A/N:This is an old one, not one of my best. It is absolute nonsense. just a funny bit of fluff. I wrote it years ago...do forgive me.
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Trek in any way shape or form.
Gooses and Gamehens
By: Adami Rose
Lt. Tom Paris stood outside Janeway's ready room, wondering what had just happened, and how to explain it..
bee-boop
"Come" Janeway said as the doors swished open.
"Tom, what can I do for you?"
"well Captain..." Tom started then noticing that Chakotay was seated in the chair across from Janeway's desk. "Um, it can wait until you're not busy, Sorry to interrupt."
"It's no problem Tom, I was just leaving." Chakotay said as he stood to leave.
"Actually Chakotay, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to stay for this one. You may get a kick out of it." Paris offered. Chakotay looked confused, but just took his seat again.
"Tom, as much as I like to see you and Chakotay getting along, I am rather busy, so could you please tell me what's wrong?"
"Well Captain, I uh, don't know how to put this, but on my way to the bridge from the Mess hall, I was goosed" Tom said sitting down rather quickly.
Chakotay tried hard to stifle a laugh, but was unsuccessful.
Janeway sat in her chair looking slightly confused "Goosed, you mean someone gave you an Earth Fowl?" She asked, trying to figure out what her pilot meant.
Both Tom and Chakotay almost fell out of their chairs with laughter.
Chakotay was the first to speak up "Not THAT kind of Goose Captain, this one is a little different".
Janeway was starting to get annoyed with the two laughing idiots in
front of her." Enough! would someone explain this "goose" to me,
please?"
Both men stopped laughing and looked at each other, and Tom spoke up first. "Chakotay, why don't you give the Captain an example of the 'goose'?"
Chakotay's eyes became as big saucers, and he sputtered "Tom, I..I.. I don't think that's a good idea."
Chakotay jumped as Janeway spoke up "Why not Chakotay, are you afraid of me or something?"
"No, Captain, it's just that, well, I haven't goosed anyone in a very
long time, and it wouldn't be appropriate to goose you, that's all."
Janeway stood up and did her best pout "Please Chakotay, I really really wanna know what this 'goose' is."
"Alright Kathryn, but you have to promise me one thing, you won't throw me out an airlock, or in the Brig, or kill me in general."
"OK I promise." she said as she sat back in her chai r.
"OK, well the first thing you'll need to do is stand up, and come around to this side of the desk, and turn around."
Janeway looked at him quizzically, but did as she was told.
Chakotay gave Tom the "If I die, I'm taking you with me" look, as he reached down and grabbed the Captain's butt.
"Chakotay! what the Hell do you think you're doing?" Janeway yelled when he grabbed her posterior.
"That, Kathryn was a goose. now before you kill me remember that you promised not to!" Chakotay stuttered as he took several steps back to get out of arms reach of his Very Pissed Captain.
"Very Well" she said as she sat back down at her desk. "So, Tom, who is the pervert that 'goosed' you, and why didn't you just go to Tuvok with it, as it is a security matter?"
Well, Captain that's just the thing, it was Tuvok who 'goosed' me."
"Mister Paris, I find that VERY hard to believe, since Tuvok would have no need or desire to..."
"Kim to Janeway"
"Harry, can it wait I'm a little busy right now?"
"Um Captain, I think you need to get out here right now, we have a problem. "Harry said sounding anxious.
Janeway could hear muffled sounds in the background. "I'm on my way, Janeway out."
Janeway strode out onto her bridge, only to find that Tuvok was wearing a pink tutu and dancing around the bridge singing "You Are My Sunshine" badly off key at that.
"What the Hell is going on here!" Janeway asked, trying to figure out why her Chief Tactical Officer was dancing around her bridge.
"Captain, Darling, come dance with me" Tuvok said stepping out of hercommand chair and taking her hand.
"Um, not right now, Tuvok, maybe later. right now the Doctor wants to sing with you, so lets meet him in sickbay, shall we?" She said as she walked him towards the Turbolift, stopping only to give Chakotay a signal to inform the Doctor that they were on their way.
Chakotay tapped his com badge. "Chakotay to sickbay"
"Sickbay here" came the disembodied voice of the Doctor
"Doc, the Captain is on her way down with Commander Tuvok,
he seems to be having a bad reaction to something."
"Can you be more specific Commander?"
Just then Chakotay heard the doors of sickbay open and close over the Comm channel. "Does that explain it Doc?"
"Good God Almighty!" was the only response.
"Chakotay out"
In sickbay, the Doctor stood, dumbfounded at the sight of their Vulcan security officer standing in front of him in a Pink tutu,
"Doctor, would you mind helping me out a little here?" Janeway asked, struggling to keep her balance under the weight of the Vulcan.
"Oh, of course Captain, I was just a little surprised to see Commander Tuvok dressed like that."
The Doctor and Janeway led the prancing Vulcan to the Biobed, and sat him down. The Doctor picked up his tricorder, and scanned Tuvok, and was examining the readings. "Hmm, I think I know what the problem is Captain. Mister Tuvok seems to be suffering from a chemical imbalance, caused by something he ingested. A counter agent should return him to his normal Vulcan self."
"I see, administer the counter agent, and get him out of that outfit,
please." Janeway said while thinking of how many ways to kill her
Talaxian chef.
"Um Captain, it's not that easy, I don't know exactly what it is that is
causing the chemical imbalance, so I don't know what to use." The doctor said quietly.
"I see" she said as she tapped her Comm Badge. "Janeway to Neelix"
"Neelix here Captain, what can I do for you?"
"Well, you can get your fur lined ass down here with whatever you fed Mister Tuvok this afternoon, and then you can jump out of the nearest airlock!" She yelled into her Com badge.
"Uh alright Captain, I'm on my way. By the way, where is 'there' at
right now?"
"Here is sickbay, where my Chief of security is dressed like a
ballerina, and singing badly off key!" Janeway was about to climb
through her combadge and strangle the Talaxian right then and there.
"On My way, Neelix out"
"Uh, Captain, maybe you should calm down, you seem to be a little agitated, I can give you a mild sedative if you would like." The doctor said cautiously.
Janeway grabbed the hologram by his uniform, and shouted "Just why the hell should I calm down!"
"Well for starters, you requested that Neelix jump out of an airlock,
and you are trying to physically harm your CMO, who happens to be a hologram" he stated calmly.
Just as she was about to respond, the doors to sickbay whisked open, revealing a rather out of breath, and disturbed Neelix.
"Captain, Doctor, What's wrong with Mr. Tuvok? "He said before he saw thepink-tutu-clad Vulcan.
"THIS is what is wrong, Neelix, one of your dishes caused a chemical imbalance in him, and now look at what he's doing!" Janeway yelled
"bu-bu-but Captain, the only thing I gave him was some of my Yabba-Yabba pudding. No one else seemed to have a problem with it." Neelix stuttered as he watched Tuvok to a pirouette around the Biobed.
"Mister Neelix, would you give me that please?" the doctor asked
indicating the container Neelix held in his hands.
"Of course Doctor, Here." he said handing the container of pudding to him.
The Doctor took the bowl, and scanned it with the tricorder. "mmm-hmm, I found it, I should have a counter agent in a matter of seconds." he walked over to the replicator, and programmed something into it. He came back with a Hypospray in hand, and pressed it to Tuvok's neck.
"There that should do it" He said, smiling one of his smug and arrogant smiles, "Am I the best or what?"
"Captain, Doctor, what am I doing here, and what am I doing dressed in this manner?" Tuvok said, saving Janeway and Neelix from the lecture they were about to get from the Doctor.
"Well Tuvok, you had a bad reaction to Neelix's Yabba-Yabba pudding, and you needed to be treated for it, as to why you are dressed like that, it was a side affect of the reaction you had. You may want to change before you go back on duty." The Doctor said, while eyeing Janeway and Neelix.
"I see, Thank You Doctor." was Tuvok stated as he walked to the
replicator to replicate some clothes.
"Mister Neelix, where are you going?" Janeway asked as she noticed theTalaxian heading for the door.
"I was going to go jump out an airlock, like you said." He responded
"OK, have fun!" Janeway said cheerfully.
"Captain" came the doctor's voice "You can't be seriously considering letting him do that, can you?
"
"Oh alright, Neelix, I didn't mean it, I was just angry, please don't
jump out an airlock." Janeway said halfheartedly.
"Oh, Thank You Captain!" Neelix squeaked, and ran out of sickbay before she could change her mind.
"you know Doc, we should have let him jump." she said
"yeah, I know, but there's so much paperwork when something like that happens." The doctor said smiling.
"True. Well, as much as I would love to stay here, and debate why we didn't let that fur ball jump, I have a little something to take care of on the bridge." Janeway said, smiling as she walked towards the door.
Captain Kathryn Janeway walked onto her bridge, and directly up to her first officer, who looked very worried. "Is everything alright Captain?"he managed to choke out.
"Yes Chakotay everything's fine." She said just before she grabbed his groin area.
"Captain! what was that?" Chakotay yelped, a pitch higher than
normal.
"That, Commander" she said with the biggest grin the bridge crew had ever seen "was a Game Hen."