A/N: So, first Rookie Blue story. Eeek! I've been itching to write something for Rookie Blue since the premiere, but nothing seemed to work in my head and tonight's episode apparently sparked something... but gosh, I NEVER, EVER imagined I'd be writing anything other than Sam and Andy. Well, I guess I am writing Sam/Andy – but still... Creativity apparently flows out of me at three-am.
My CSI:NY girls – I'm sorry for the teasing about having an update in your mailbox from me, but I think you guys should totally read this anyway... and watch Rookie Blue if you don't already. It's one of those ones you'd kick yourself about for missing. Trust me!
Anyway, I do hope you give this one a chance – any thoughts and comments would be hugely appreciated.
ETA: for some reason was giving me the whole, "unable to locate story.." blahh, so I deleted the last post and decided to re-post. I'm absolutely gutted I lost those lovely reviews I received, but *sigh*. Silly .
All of it made sense now.
He'd thought. Suspected. But never wanted to believe it.
The snide comments. The glares from Sam. The opposing opinion regardless of what it was about. The beat down in the re-training exercise. It wasn't Sammy being Sammy and Luke just being overly conscious... It was Sam Swarek feeling sorry for himself. It was Sam Swarek trying to get one over on him. It was Sam Swarek showing Andy that he could hurt too: that he wasn't as strong as what she obviously assumed he was.
He hadn't wanted to see the jar, but it had been right there. It was staring at him- and although it had Sam Swarek's name within the jar, it had Luke Callaghan all over the outside. He couldn't have missed if even if he tried his hardest. It had screamed his name.
In fact, it was almost like she'd wanted him to see it.
Well, she probably hadn't wanted that. She wasn't that bad. She'd made mistakes. Everyone did. It was a mistake. That was all. It wasn't something he imagined she'd set out to do. But, she'd done it nonetheless, and God did it hurt.
His reputation in regards to dating rookies probably did him no favours, but it wasn't that he set out with the intention of dating a new rookie every year. It wasn't that at all. It just happened. And really, where the hell else was a homicide detective supposed to meet a girl that would understand the hours and demands that came with his chosen career.
Andy understood. Well, he thought she had, but something told him that she hadn't understood his dedication to his job completely.
He'd wanted to test the waters beforehand: see how she was. If there was any inclination on her part that she was going to tell him the reason why Sam's name was written on a post-it note by her and sealed in a jar in freezer. What was he? Put on ice until Andy made her mind up about her options? Who seemed like the better choice?
He'd put up with her leaving when she felt like things were getting too much because he knew despite her fears, she'd come back to him, and he'd be ready to welcome her back with open arms. She'd not told him everything, but he had a pretty good idea that she had some confidence issues, stemming from her past, along with a constant need to second guess herself. To talk herself out of being happy.
He could deal with that. He could. But he wasn't going to put up with any form of competition.
He'd kept the accusations out of his voice to begin with. He didn't want to fight with her. That wasn't what he was going for. He wanted the truth. The straight up, God's honest truth.
When he'd asked her: what was going on with her and Swarek, he'd seen it in her eyes. She had looked like a deer in headlights. He read people, day in – day out, and she was no exception. The 'what do you mean?' she'd offered him was something he'd quickly come to realise in his line of work that whomever he was speaking with knew exactly what he meant – they were just buying more time to collate a reasonable answer together.
When he had merely shaken his glass, he hadn't meant for it to be patronizing or rude – but he felt that words were going to fail him otherwise. He didn't want to go all out and tell her he'd seen Sam Swarek's name in her freezer.
Not many things were coming to mind in regards to what the symbol of Sam's name in a jar in the freezer meant, but he did know that it wasn't good.
But, he also knew it wasn't his name that was in the freezer. He wasn't the one on ice, and despite everything, it stood for a little something. Something that was quickly overlooked.
'One night. I- I don't know what that means, I don't know what you're saying, but I do know it's not nothing. It's not, Andy.'
He'd been there. He'd seen the changes. He wasn't blind. He just hadn't wanted to acknowledge what was going on right in front of him.
He'd seen the silent conversations, communicating only through their eyes and body language. Sam Swarek and Andy McNally were one in a million. Was he jealous? Yes. He was. But he'd thought that at the end of the day, Andy was with him – not Sam.
Boy was he wrong.
It was common knowledge that sometimes partners tested the waters into something more. With the extended amount of time they spent together, of course feelings could be misconstrued. Misunderstood. A hell of a lot of trust needed to be the foundation to a partnership – and Andy and Sam had that. He'd seen it today. When Andy was about to go into the room to question Rebecca's mother, her eyes had searched Sam for directions. Not him. She'd not even looked at him, even though he was the one arguing her case. He was the one that had given her this opportunity to shine. Not Sam, yet she was the one he went to.
He'd seen it in the division a handful of times. Jerry and Traci were an item as far as he knew. The blonde - Peck and then Diaz. They were... well, they were caught in the moment – but it was still something.
Andy and Sam. They're weren't just nothing. They were definitely something. And as much as it hurt – he wasn't going to hold Andy back. Yes, he was hurt. Yes, he was pissed that she'd cheated on him. But Andy's heart didn't lie with him. And he couldn't blame her for that. She should have been honest – he'd given her no reason to be anything other than... but a part of him figured that she'd wanted to make it work. Desperately. She wanted what could have been with him as opposed to what already was with Sam. Things with Sam were complicated. Difficult. Sam was admittedly harder to figure out than he was. What was there was what you got: career driven, heart on his sleeve, not afraid to put himself out there, Luke Callaghan.
Sam Swarek? Who knows what he was made of... He had so many layers to him, he didn't have a clue in regards to where Sam started and where he finished.
Andy never had been, and never would be his. He'd hoped that once they found their footing in their relationship things would feel better. They'd be better. But a voice within him had been telling him all along that she wasn't in it how she wanted to be. She was only half there in their relationship.
He'd wanted it to work – he'd wanted them to work... but he couldn't do that with half of her heart. And as he shut the door to her apartment, it dawned on him – it really only ever was him in the relationship.
And although it hurt him to walk out – he was doing all three of them a favour.
Because hell, if having half of Andy McNally's heart gave him the rush he'd had over the past few months, he dared not to even think about what having all of her heart would be like.
All he knew was that Sam Swarek was one hell of a lucky guy.
Usually I tend not to go for a narrative type of story, but this was the way it flowed from my fingers onto word, so narrative it was. Thanks for reading - I hope you enjoyed and Luke's thought process was follow-able. lol.
So yeah, thanks again for reading - and any thoughts or comments would be extremely appreciated!