Disclaimer: You know the deal. The idea came from my demented and twisted mind, the characters belong to J.K. Rowling. As does the cash. Unfortunately.
A/N: With positive reviews, I'll probably write more chapters. However, your ideas for more random stuff to happen will be MUCH appreciated and will probably, at some point, be used. This is story is... different, to say the least, and the structure of it reflects that- it sort of jumps from one random storyline to another. But, seeing as how it's not supposed to make any sense anyway, I don't think you'll mind :-) Enjoy.
Something in the Pumpkin Juice...
Harry walked into the Great Hall one morning for breakfast, sitting down at his usual seat between Hermione and Ron. "Hey Ron, hey Hermione," he said happily.
Hermione giggled, covered her mouth and then threw a cup at him, spilling hot tea all down his front. Both Ron and Harry stared at her- well, until Harry yelled in pain as the steaming tea seeped through his clothing and started to scald his skin in various places.
Draco looked up from his cup of pumpkin juice, sniffing the air. "I smell... pain." He practically dissolved on the spot to reappear next to Harry, who was frantically trying to get his clothes off while Ron was stuffing muffins in his pants and Hermione was still laughing hysterically.
After staring at the scene before him for several moments, well, more accurately, staring at his greatest rival shedding clothes as fast as he possibly could Malfoy leapt on Harry and began making out with the emerald-eyed boy as hotly as possible.
Albus Dumbledore, intelligent and serene as ever, threw a potato at them. "That's terribly cliché, Draco. Do something the readers haven't seen before, please." And, like a Roman leader watching a mildly amusing scene of two Gladiators beating the crap out of each other in a Coliseum, he relaxed in his gigantic Headmaster chair thing and clapped twice.
The effect was immediate. Draco jumped off of Harry, who was perfectly stunned about having just made out with his arch nemesis while he was half-naked, and the blonde began a strip-tease for Ron.
Strangely enough, Ron pulled out an American $20 bill and stuffed it into the boxers of Draco Malfoy. "Yeah! Work it!"
Albus shrugged, "At least it's not Harry and Draco... I mean, honestly, there are so many fanfics about them you'd think the bloody pairing was canon."
A very, very, very large group of fangirls suddenly appeared in the Great Hall, squishing many Hogwarts students. "IT SHOULD BE!" they all cried in unison, and then disappeared, leaving many children in much pain.
Dumbledore raised both eyebrows, and shrugged once more. He watched as Draco continued to strip for Ron who was becoming steadily more flushed with excitement, until Harry got jealous, dive-tackled the blonde and they began making out again. Dumbledore chuckled and then turned as Snape seemed to appear behind him, his black cloak billowing even though he wasn't moving. "Hello Severus. The only reason I wasn't scared out of my skin from you appearing behind me like some sort of terrifying vampire was because I am Dumbledore and I have awesome ESP and such."
Severus, who'd looked quite drawn and worried, raised one eyebrow. "ESP like Elven Super Powers?"
"No, Severus, you're thinking of Legolas in Lord of the Rings."
"Oh... right," Snape muttered, and then looked twice as worried and fidgety as before. "Um... Headmaster... what if I told you that Harry and I were having a secret love affair?"
Dumbledore studied him carefully with his twinkly eyes. "I'd say that was rather cliché, much like the storyline of Draco getting Harry pregnant and having a row with Lucius to the point of the father and son killing each other," the old man answered in one quick breath.
Snape wrung his hands. "But what if I told you these secret love affairs often occured on your desk while you were out?"
The old man hid a smirk. "Then I'd tell you that I was not, in fact, 'out', and that a favorite past time of mine is reading large books whilst hiding under an invisibility cloak."
It was then that Severus Snape made a face much akin to this: O.O
Meanwhile, Dobby and Winky were standing in the doorway, sipping tea and watching this insanity.
"Really, now, you'd have thought the humans would realize how perfectly stupid they are," Dobby said, in the most prudish voice the little elf could muster.
"Indeed, old chap, indeed. It must be something in the Pumpkin Juice," Winky said primly, taking a quiet sip of tea.
"I make that Pumpkin Juice," Dobby said, sounding supremely unconcerned.
"Well, that would explain it, wouldn't it, darling?" Winky answered, turning and heading back to the kitchen.
Dobby frowned slightly, watching as Filch and McGonagall made out heatedly on the Ravenclaw table. "Well, it's a good entertainment source," he muttered, shrugging, and walked over to join them.