Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil. I do not own the games, the toys, the books, or any of the merchandise what so ever. Capcom owns these rights, but try telling a zombie that.

The Mansion Mishaps

Chapter 1

July 1998

Northwest Raccoon City

Arklay Mountain Range

S.T.A.R.S. Bravo Team- M.I.A.

S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team- Deployed/On Route

Captain Albert Wesker, the leader of the Raccoon city S.T.A.R.S. and captain of the S.T.A.R.S Alpha team had a tremendous migraine. He was seated in the Alpha team's helicopter as the Alpahs searched the forest bordering Raccoon city. They were searching for the crashed helicopter of their compatriots Bravo team. Wesker had been with the Raccoon city S.T.A.R.S. for a few weeks now, and already he could tell that these were the most socially retarded group of individuals he had ever had the misfortune of meeting. Over the course of those weeks, Wesker had been forced to act less like a commanding officer and more like a mother.

Brad Vickers the Alpha's pilot was the most cowardly member on the team, and whined about everything.

"I don't want to fly this helicopter anymore. You all make me feel apprehensive. I have to go to the bathroom too. Can we stop now?"

Chris Redfield the Alpha's marksmen and Joseph Frost the Alpha's Technician could not keep their hands to themselves.

"Wesker, Hey Wesker! Make Joseph stop touching me! Look see, he just licked his finger and touched my arm with it!"

Barry Burton the oldest member of the group and the heavy weapons guy was obsessively cleaning all the Alpha team's guns. Jill Valentine the Alpha's specialist was gazing out the window but turned her attention back inside the cabin and noticed Barry's utter devotion to the firearm in his hands.

"Must...stay...clean." said Barry as he clenched his teeth.

"Must...stay...clean."

He wiped the handle until the handle gleamed in the darkness. Jill felt a little scared just then.

"I hope that isin't Chris' gun."

Barry examined it closer.

"Yup it's Chris'. Hey Chris, I'll give this back to you later after I'm done with it."

"Man, I don't even know if I want it back."

So this rounded up the merry band of Alpha S.T.A.R.S. Wesker shuddered to think of what would happen if there hadn't been a second captain for the Bravo S.T.A.R.S. Considering what he was working with here, Wesker wasn't all that surprised the Bravo's helicopter crashed. To his left, Brad was starting to cry and directly in front of him, Joseph and Chris were wrestling on the cabin deck calling each other names.

Prompted by this idiocy, Wesker acted.

"Chris, your a former air force pilot and trained marksmen, act like one! Joseph, that bandanna on your forehead is for badasses, would any of them behave like this right now?!"

Joseph and Chris stopped fighting and went back to their seats like two kids afraid of what punishment their father might have for them.

"Brad, show some damn back-bone, remember, your a member of an organized unit!"

"But I-"

"Cut it! Zip it! I don't want to hear another word out of you, you got that?"

Brad started to whimper.

"No noise Brad!"

Brad stopped.

"Barry, I appreciate the fact that you're looking over our firearms, but if you're going to clean the trigger guard so vigorously, could you at least put the safety on?"

"Oh...sure thing captain Wesker."

"And Jill?"

Jill turned away from the window and faced Wesker.

"Burn in hell." Jill turned away from Wesker and faced the window. She hadn't really done anything, Wesker simply didn't like girls. A professional, dignified silence fell over the cabin.

Unfortunately, Barry's finger slipped and he fired off a shot inside the copter. It didn't hit anybody, but it was enough to make Brad cry full force and gave Joseph the opportunity to sock Chris in the face. Wesker contemplated shooting all of them right then and there. The moment passed when Jill shouted that she had spotted the downed helicopter.

The Alphas disembarked save for Brad, and Wesker had them set up a perimeter around the crashed chopper. Wesker sent Joseph in to actually investigate the crash with the squad's only assault shotgun. Joseph came stumbling out of the helicopter almost as soon as he stepped in.

"Kevins- Kevins friggin in the there! He's dead, just sittin there with his left eye scratched out!" The same thought flitted through everybody's mind at once.

"We have a Kevin?"

Wesker told everybody to fan out, to search for signs of the remaining Bravo members. Each of them went in separate directions. As Joseph was heading off, he heard a faint rustle in the bushes beside him. He raised up his shotgun...and then lowered it back down.

He muttered "Must be a dog or something." Said dog lunged at Joseph and began ripping his throat out. The other S.T.A.R.S. Followed the sounds of snarling and screaming but Jill was the first to get there and opened fire immediately.

"What the friggin hell is wrong with these friggin dogs!? AHHH AHHHH Damn i- Ahhh you friggin mutts! Ahhhhhhh stop biting my manhood!"

Without realizing it, Jill was already shooting blanks.

What the hell IS wrong with these dogs? They look half-decayed and it took me my whole clip just to bring two of them down.

Joseph's screams grew fainter and fainter until Jill was certain he was dead. That's when the others finally showed up.

"Yeah way to go guys, you showed up right in the nick of time."

"Are we too late?" Asked Chris.

Joseph's body convulsed once.

"What do you think Chris?"

The dogs turned their attention to Jill. The alpha male led the charge.

"NO!" Screamed Chris.

He fired frantically and his shots went wild, missing their marks by miles. The dogs overtook Jill, but rather than kill her, the dogs were humping her with the alpha male on top of her like a mount.

Chris swore. "No damn you! She's mine I say! MINE!"

Chris threw his handgun at the alpha male; he had run out of ammo. For an expert marksmen, Chris sucked ass. As Jill screamed, Chris and the mounted alpha male locked eyes, both of them growling.

Wesker was firing his handgun on the other dogs. He reached inside his vest for a fresh clip.

"Barry." He asked. "Why aren't you firing?"

Barry carried the biggest and loudest weapon of the whole bunch. Wesker could tell that Barry was not firing the .357 magnum revolver because Wesker's eardrum hadn't ruptured yet. Barry held the behemoth of a weapon in a shooter's stance frozen and still.

"I c-can't." he said. "They remind me too much of Fluffy!"

"Then pretend they're just cats." Wesker replied icily.

"Kay."

Barry's first shot succeeded in frightening all the dogs and they backed away from Jill nervously. Chris helped her up and looked around for any safe refuge. The downed helicopter didn't serve as a suitable prospect. In the distance however, Chris spotted a mansion. A flock of shrieking crows hovered slightly above the rooftop and dispersed with a flash of lightning. The lightning illuminated the windows of the mansion. Many of the windows were smeared with blood and ominous shadows loomed past them, in one window a man with half his face missing shuffled onward.

Chris decided it must be a safe place.

"Jill, head for that mansion!"

Jill took off running. Chris turned around to check back on the dogs, right when one of them was lunging at him. In the time frame of a heartbeat, Wesker shot the dog in mid-lunge.

"WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT BITCH?!"

"Thanks Albert." And Chris sprinted off to catch up with Jill.

Wesker suddenly regretted saving Chris' life.

Jill turned back to see Chris catch up with her and the others following closely behind still firing.

"Chris...what did you mean "She's Mine!" back there anyway?"

"ummm... head for that mansion!" Chris said dramatically trying to change the subject and make Jill forget.

"Ohmygosh!" She ran faster then asked a few seconds later

"What were we talking about?"

"umm... you said you'd let me...ummm do things to you."

"Oh okay!" Jill said cheerfully.

The fearsome trio of four heard the whrrrring of a helicopter. They looked up and saw one flying over them. It was heading off into the distance.

"Brad?! Where the hell's he going?!" Asked Chris.

Wesker fired on the helicopter just hoping that one of his shots would be lucky enough to kill Brad. Chris joined in as well, but since he didn't have a gun, he made his hand into the shape of one and shouted "Bang Bang" with his mouth. It took everything Wesker had not to shoot Chris in the face.

Jill reached the double doors of the mansion before the others... and ran head first into them. Barry picked her up, shoved open the doors, and threw her inside. Barry got inside with Wesker right behind him. Wesker shut the doors behind him and locked it.