Wisps of cobalt rolled off her skin like smoke. An aura of energy surrounded her, twisting and shifting in the air, a swirling vortex of anger. Even from a distance, Kaidan could see the fine hairs along her arms standing on end as she paced. He could feel the static of her biotics against his skin, biting at his flesh like a million little ants crawling over him. Her scent filled his nostrils, an intoxicating blend of grapefruit and mint rolling in on a wave of eezo.
Kaidan had seen Shepard angry before, witnessed her charge headlong into battle, blowing enemies away with a shotgun and an endless barrages of biotic assaults. He was by her side after every meeting with the Council or Udina when she stalked off, seething and ready to purge her frustration on anyone who dare aggravate her further.
Kaidan was rather well acquainted to Shepard's temper, but this was different. This was something more, something that stemmed from so deep within that there was no controlling it, no reasoning with it, no calming it down.
For the first time, her anger frightened him.
He thought about leaving. Her rage was blinding, she hadn't noticed him yet. He could easily disappear before she ever realized he had been there. But his feet were frozen in place, his breath caught in his throat, his gut urging him to stay put, to see it through.
"Commander?"
Shepard ceased her pacing and whirled on him, her pale blue eyes narrowed into slits, her face twisted into a scowl.
"I, uh...a few of the marines said you were down here throwing stuff around." He felt her biotics spike. "Do you have a minute?"
A dark, forced chuckle cut through her lips.
"I'm not really in the mood for talking, Kaidan."
She spat venom and it burned, burned through his flesh and deep into his core.
Before today, before that damned warehouse full of mercenaries and a piece to Shepard's past, they had been so close. Toeing the line between what Alliance regs would allow and what they wanted to do in spite of the rules. Before he caught sight of a part of Shepard he hadn't known existed. A part he didn't want to know existed.
His hands balled into fists, his jaw clenched, he spoke through his teeth. "I can't leave this alone, Shepard."
Her reaction mirrored his own. "I was acting as a Spectre-"
"Don't give me that bullshit, Shepard."
Kaidan's mind screamed for him to stop, warned him of his insubordination, but he pushed on.
An accusatory finger pointed in her direction, "You tortured that man."
Shepard flared again, her normally gun-metal blue eyes burned bright cobalt, her piercing stare boring through him with such intensity he struggled not to falter.
"He deserved worse." Her words came out sharp, biting.
"He deserved a trial!"
Teeth bared, fists clenched and knuckles white, Shepard growled. Stride at full length, she ascended on him. He swallowed, hard, but didn't move; he wouldn't let himself flinch, he wouldn't back down from this.
If it came down to it and she wanted him removed from her command, so be it.
Shepard stopped mere inches away. He could feel the heat radiating off of her, infinitely magnified by the biotics her rage wouldn't allow her to reign in. The energy pulled at him, bit at his flesh, provoking the eezo in his veins to surge, to beg for release.
She jabbed a finger into his chest, hard, hard enough to force him back a step.
"That man tortured Toombs for years, Alenko. He was the reason my entire squad died on Akuze."
Kaidan paused. He couldn't begin to imagine what she must have gone through on Akuze; it wasn't something she talked about. In fact, she avoided the topic at all costs. All he had to go on were the official reports, reports that were devoid of feeling, comprised only of military significant details. Sparse as they were, those reports painted a grizzly picture.
But Shepard had tortured a man today. He had watched her beat him nearly unconscious, watched her take her time in killing him, with only shock and the warning arm of a Krogan to hold him back. In the end, hadn't even been kind enough to put a bullet in his brain. She had ordered them to move out, leaving the scientist to bleed out on the floor of the warehouse. He died alone, surrounded by dead mercenaries, choking on his own blood.
"He was just one man, Shepard, he worked for Cerberus."
"I know." Shepard stepped back, her arm falling to her side. "I'm going to make sure that entire fucking organization burns."
Kaidan stepped back as well, aghast. Her tone was leaden with conviction; he didn't doubt she would follow through on her promise, he only doubted if he would be along for the ride.
Finally, the cerulean tendrils surrounding Shepard dissipated. With them, it seemed, some of her anger receded as well. Left behind was Shepard, her tanned skin pale, her eyes sunken with fatigue. A Shepard he recognized, despite her worn appearance.
"If you can't handle it, I won't bring you groundside."
Gone was the hostility from her eyes, replaced by a steady, cautious stare. Her tone was even, neutral, almost disturbingly so given the situation. Kaidan recognized that tone, he had heard it before, any time that Shepard divulged too much about herself and had to backtrack, to pretend she hadn't exposed part of herself.
She was offering him a way out.
A way out, he knew, not just of being by her side when she went after Cerberus, but out of whatever it was they had been doing, dancing around each other and fraternization regs aboard the Normandy.
Kaidan held his breath inadvertently, realizing the gravity of the offer. It was he who had advised her to always leave a way out, a way to make sure no one got hurt further down the line. He hadn't thought she would ever apply that advice to him.
"Shepard..."
Movements so subtle he wouldn't have caught it if he hadn't been watching her so intently, a twitch of her lips, a blinking of her eyes that lasted a millisecond too long, made him pause. Her fingers curled into her palms, her jaw clenched, bracing herself.
"I can't stand by and watch something like that again, I won't." Kaidan exhaled a light sigh, "I care for you, Shepard, and I'm worried about you."
He paused, his eyes searching hers desperately for any sign of emotion. She kept her face remarkably plain, unreadable. He stepped forward and she didn't move away.
"I think...I think you should talk to somebody."
Pale blue eyes widened ever so slightly, her words regained a modicum of bite. "Somebody like you?"
"If you want to, sure, I'd like that." he rubbed at the back of his neck, "Just somebody, Shepard. Whatever you have going on in there, it's going to tear you apart if you don't let it out."
Her brows furrowed, unforgiving eyes scanned his face unabashed, searching for something unknown to him. He only hoped she found what she was looking for.
"Good to hear you're sticking around, Alenko."
Shepard stepped around him, began moving toward the elevator. Kaidan turned to watch her. Her hands were still in fists at her sides, her back straight and her stride stiff. His mouth fell open, then clamped shut. For now, there was nothing more to say.
He scrubbed the back of his hand over his forehead and watched her disappear into the elevator. It wasn't until the door was inches from closing that she looked at him again, her expression heavy, her eyes clouded with what he could only guess was remorse. The door closed and Kaidan continued to stare where Shepard had just been, unsure if the regret he saw in her eyes was genuine, or if he had imagined it. He hoped it was real. He needed it to be real.