Holding on
Disclaimer: No. Never.
oOo
And sense the solving emptiness For borne away in deadened air At last begin to loosen. Far
That lies just under all we do,
And for a second get it whole,
So permanent and blank and true.
The fastened doors recede. Poor soul,
They whisper at their own distress;
May go the sudden shut of loss
Round something nearly at an end,
And what cohered in it across
The years, the unique random blend
Of families and fashions, there
From the exchange of love to lie
Unreachable inside a room
The traffic parts to let go by
Brings closer what is left to come,
And dulls to distance all we are.
-Ambulances, Philip Larkins
oOo
It was torture. He wanted to cry but he could not. He wanted to collapse –to break down—but he could not.
Sawada Tsunayoshi must hold on.
"Congratulations!"
Tsuna, once again, reached out his hand to shake the random stranger's hand. The stranger's hand was oddly warm and Tsuna could feel the ages creased into the rough palm. A little bit of perspiration lined the other's hand.
"I'm really sorry but I don't think I know your name..." Tsuna trailed off, embarrassed at himself. A red blush flushed his cheeks for the umpteenth time that day.
"Haha!" The other man laughed heartily. When Tsuna looked closer, he saw the age lines of the older man wrinkling the face. "It is very fine, Vongola Decimo! You are busy enough to be bothered about small families like mine!"
"Ah, Mister..."
" Marmo."
"Mr. Marmo. I do not regard any Familglia as too small or too big; too powerful or too weak. I would only care whether the Familglia are doing good things or doing bad things. I hope you understand."
"Of course, Vongola Decimo," The older man bowed a ninety degrees low, "I am sorry; I apologise for my rudeness in claiming that you are not bothered about small families like mine..."
"No worries there."
"But of course, if you must know. I am Baldo Alonzo Antonello Marmo from Nenovo Familigia. My Familigia have been allies with the Vongola for two years."
"I see," Tsuna smiled, "A new alliance then." Tsuna reached his hand out once again, "Welcome to the Family."
The other man took the hand warmly and shook Tsuna's hand once more.
"Thank you!"
"That's to my pleasure, Mr. Name."
"Alright then, Vongola Decimo. I shall take my leave and leave you to the others." He waved to the crowd that has been increasing over the course of time when Tsuna was talking to him," It would seem there are many others that wish to talk to you."
"And of course, thank you for gracing today's event."
"I will see you later, on the stage then."
"Of course."
"Congratulations once again."
"Thank you."
Tsuna breathed. Another acquaintance. Tsuna filed his name and his Familglia into the back of his head.
"Congratulations!"
Another one. One more time.
"Thank you! But I don't think I know your name..."
/
Gokudera was finding for his Jyuudaime. The petite man has been missing for one hour and the ceremony was about to start.
"Excuse me," Gokudera tapped on yet another unfamiliar man's shoulder," Have you spoken to Jyuudaime yet?"
"No!" The man burst out, as if all that was what he has been wanting to do, "I've been searching for the..."
"Thank you!" Gokudera did not bother to stay till the end of sentence before hurrying off to the next crowd of people, repeating the same thing.
"No, not yet."
"Yeah, but that was a few hours ago."
"I saw him but he was talking to someone else."
"Not really, he waved at me an hour ago but that was all to it."
Gokudera bumped into Yamamoto. The Rain was panicking as well.
"Did you find him?" Yamamoto whispered, afraid of a stranger picking up on their conversation.
"No, not yet. The closest I got from these nonsense crowds is that he waved at one of them but even that was not good enough."
"Yes, it is not good enough. Chrome just misted me that she heard someone saying that the Vongola Decimo was at the porch, entertaining someone from the Renaiva Family thirty minutes ago."
"Then?" Gokudera pressed, his face closing down to Yamamoto's.
Yamamoto shook his head, "It's a fluke. Appraently, the man who said that was from the Renaiva Family and was showing off to another Family."
"So the nearest lead is?" Gokudera asked once again.
"Chrome said that it was a woman who saw him at the balcony by himself. He caught her staring and took a finger to his lips before letting go of the curtains, covering himself from sight."
"Alright. Let's go then."
Yamamoto nodded and the duo trudged through the crowd. The people flashed smiles at them and they returned some, mostly out of courtesy but all of them are reluctant. Some people reached hands out to congratulate but they waved them off, laughing about "Being busy because it's only thirty minutes away". The people nodded and congratulated them once more.
And finally they reach the white translucent curtains of the balcony.
As they inched closer, a certain man in black suit came towards them. A cold metal gun pressed into Gokudera's stomach and Yamamoto stopped.
"Don't go any closer to the..." The man's eyes widened momentarily before nodding and removed the gun.
Gokudera growled softly, "If you dare do that again, Kevin..."
Yamamoto gave Gokudera a slap on the shoulder, "Gokudera, Kevin is just doing his job. He is Tsuna's butler through and through." Yamamoto gave Kevin a thumbs up, "in fact, I would have fired him if he did not do that to you. It would mean he would be going against Reborn's teachings of 'Threaten first, Look later'".
"But even so! He pointed his gun at me and pressed that gun into my stomach!"
"Well..." Yamamoto tittered softly. He looked up at Kevin again before affirming, "If you are here, would it mean that Tsuna is at the balcony?"
Kevin nodded.
Gokudera gave a reluctant gratitude before pushing open the curtains and entered the balcony.
Tsuna sighed when Gokudera and Yamamoto pushed open the curtains and said, "Kevin, I told you not to..." Tsuna saw his two guardians and smiled, "Ah, it's you two."
Tsuna gave a fleeting look before turning back to watch the scenery.
"You'll catch a cold..."
Tsuna smiled sadly before lifting his head up, feeling the cold air bristle against his defying-gravity hair. The cold air caressed his face softly and Tsuna leaned towards it. His eyes was closed and a smile graced his features.
"Tsuna..."
Tsuna opened his eyes slowly. The young brunette, ever once innocent and timid, who has changed to become mature, wise and perhaps, even older.
"I know. The Inheritance Ceremony is in 10 minutes, right?"
"Yes, Jyuudaime." Gokudera bowed, which have seemed to be appropriate at that moment.
"Hayato," Tsuna glared. Gokudera gulped, wondering whether if he had done something bad. Tsuna softened before chiding, "I told you not to bow already. You are not serving me; You are my Guardian; You are my family."
Gokudera rubbed his head, "Haha. Sorry Jyuudaime! Bit of a habit here."
"Then rid of it, Hayato."
"Yes!" Gokudera cheered softly.
Yamamoto frowned as he glanced at his phone again, "Tsuna, there's only five minutes left!"
Tsuna stretched and yawned lazily. The lazy and cute side of him have never once left him, despite growing older.
"Okay..." Tsuna frowned, "I was getting tired of the constant handshakes and fake congratulations from all these..." Tsuna waved, drawing imaginary circles in the air and grimaced a bit before fitting in with the vaguest word—"people."
"Well... Tsuna, we really need to get ready at the back stage."
"Yeah, I know." Tsuna was already halfway up from the rattan chair before staring into the distance. His eyes locked onto a family of birds that was perched on an old poplar tree.
"Tsuna...?"
Tsuna placed a finger to his lips and all three of them looked at the family of birds. The biggest bird, probably the oldest, was sitting (if a bird could sit) on the edge of the nest. The second biggest bird, which had ruffled feathers, stepped up into the nest and spread his wings.
At this moment, Tsuna smiled faintly at the birds. The other birds chirped and circled the nest a few times before landing next to the second biggest bird.
Tsuna turned his back and exited the translucent curtains. He pushed it open, allowing himself to go through it and held it there a few moments more for his other two guardians. The curtains fell back into place, slightly ruffled by the action of the soon-to-be Vongola head.
The biggest bird chirped weakly—happily—before closing its eyes, falling down from the tree.
Down.
Down.
And—
/
"Congratulations!"
"Thank you!" Tsuna replied with forced joy. He glanced purposefully to his watch and right back at the other man, "I'm really sorry... Don—?"
"Nunzio Edmondo."
"Don Nunzio, from the NunzioEd Famiglia, I presume?" Tsuna threw out his truest, fakest (Oh! The oxymoron!) smile.
"Yes, Don Vongola—"
Tsuna raised his hand and inclined his head slightly in an apology," I am afraid you are mistaken, Don Nunzio. I am yet to be Don Vongola..." Tsuna's eyes sparkled, "and I am afraid I might have to leave you now. My grandfather is waiting."
"Yes of course!" Tsuna raised his eyebrows at the overly enthusiastic boss from the NunzioEd Famiglia. "I'll see you at the Inheritance ceremony then! And after which, I can officially greet you Don Vongola!"
Tsuna smiled, "Yes, thank you."
And he parted ways with the other. Secretly, Tsuna was relieved. He hated all these hypocritical people who simply wanted to buy their way into the alliance of the Vongola. Even if they are already an ally, they wish to suck up (Tsuna cringed at his lack of choice of better words) to Tsuna, the next boss, such that they can have better standing in the Vongola alliance.
And so they think.
Tsuna is fair, as much as pure white feather that floated down from the doves that flew overhead. Tsuna is going to be the Vongola Decimo, not a Mafia boss. Perhaps to many others, there was no difference at all. However, to those that knew him, there was a vast difference. Sawada Ieyasu or better known as Giotto in Italy, was Vongola Primo (or is Vongola Primo; Tsuna cannot differentiate whether his reign has passed or not) but was not a Mafia boss. The same cannot be said for his grandfather though. Timoteo or the Vongola Nono is a Mafia boss (but in 3 minutes time, he will no longer be).
"Jyuudaime, we have reached."
Tsuna was welcomed by the sight of his other guardians as well the Vongola Nono's guardians. As expected, Hibari was sulking at one corner, mildly fascinated by Hibird. Ryo-nii was entertaining Lambo who were both on the sofa, playing something that vaguely represents paper-scissors-stone. Mukuro and Chrome were at the other corner, directly opposite Hibari's (and Tsuna was mildly surprised they were so obedient that they listened to Tsuna when he had ordered them to stay away from each other because he had no intention of settling a fight) but Tsuna had no idea what the duo was doing.
The Vongola Nono's four remaining guardians (Timoteo had been devasted when his Cloud and Rain passed away. Tsuna did not know them personally, in any case, none of his guardians liked Tsuna much) were huddled in a circle near Timoteo who was sitting in the leather armchair he had loved so much (because it was his first gift from a 15-year-old innocent Tsuna five years ago). The frail-looking Timoteo looked up when Tsuna entered the room.
Tsuna gave a smile to his guardians as he passed them by and paced towards Timoteo.
"Grandfather."
Timoteo nodded before placing pressure on his walking cane, trying his best to sit up properly. Tsuna cringed when he saw his grandfather took so much effort to simply sit up straighter and quickly offered a helping hand. His grandfather shook his head and insisted on doing it himself.
Tsuna's heart clenched tight and he bit down on his lips. His eyes showed his worry but he smiled lightly (and he kept telling himself it was okay, it was okay, itwasokay, itwasokay, itwasokayitwasokayitwasokay—)
"Tsuna."
Tsuna smiled and grasped onto his weathered arm, gripping so tight (so afraid that it will crumble and disappear)...
"It'll be okay." (And Tsuna did not know whether his grandfather was comforting him or himself.)
Tsuna gave a pained smile and nodded. Unconsciously, he had tightened his grip on the hand.
Another hand gripped tight on his shoulder and Tsuna knew whose hand it was, even without looking up. The size of the hand was one thing, but the warmth...
"Reborn..."
"It's time, Decimo."
Tsuna's eyes clenched tight; his eyelashes hitting the skin. When his eyes opened once more, he stood up, and nodded at the full-grown Reborn (which is another story).
"I'll be going, Grandfather."
Timoteo nodded weakly and was taken aback when Tsuna pressed his lips on his crumpled, wrinkled forhead.
"I'll be back soon, Grandfather."
"Yes...Take care..."
(but by that time, I would be gone...)
/
.
.
.
"And here I announce the next Vongola boss. Vongola Decimo, Sawada Tsunayoshi!"
Tsuna completed the entire procedure, as he had rehearsed only a few hundred times before the actual, making sure that nothing could go wrong.
Nothing ever could ever gone wrong, right?
"Thank you."
Tsuna bowed slightly as the Vongola mantle was placed onto him where the black material flowed.
"I would like to introduce my guardians; my family, that has gone through thick and thin together with me. Regardless of anything, of everything, I will not tolerate disrespect to any of my guardians. They are handpicked and accepted by the Vongola... by me and Vongola Primo.
"I present to you my 7 guardians!"
His seven guardians stepped out into the light and stepped right behind Tsuna.
"Gokudera Hayato, my Storm Guardian."
Hayato bowed.
"Yamamoto Takeshi, my Rain Guardian."
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Hayato, Takeshi, Kyoya (All the guardians widened at this but Hibari simply 'tch-ed'), Lambo, Ryo-nii, Mukuro and Chrome are my family and nothing ever can replace them."
Tsuna smiled brightly, nodding at his seven guardians as they held out their respective Vongola rings (which Tsuna had Talbot to make them be able to take the shape of a ring just for this event). They closed their eyes and with one voice they bellowed, "We, the guardians of Vongola Decimo, Sawada Tsunayoshi, pledge to follow him till his death and be with him through hardships. We will defend him from treachery and sins. We will protect him with our lives."
Their wills shone brightly, in different colours –all inhibited by the flames on their rings.
Tsuna smiled and nodded in acceptance as he shone his ring with his flame as well. He turned back and spoke to the huge crowd who cheered, "We shall now invite Grandfather, Vongola Nono, up on stage to say a few words before stepping up to take place as the Vongola Senior Advisor."
His grandfather, who was seated directly in front of him made no notion to move. A smile was fixated on his face and Tsuna's eyebrows frowned.
"Grandfather?"
His guardians looked slightly ruffled before pushing Tsuna forward slightly, urging him to check on Timoteo himself. Timoteo's guardians are nowhere to be found (after all, they hated Tsuna's ideals) and the other guests are afraid to approach the Vongola Nono.
Tsuna reached Timoteo and shook his slightly, on his shoulders.
"Grand...pa?" Tsuna asked softly, kneeling down; Tsuna tried looking into Timoteo's eyes.
(Please be okay. Pleasebeokay. Pleasebeokaypleasebeokaypleasepleaseplease.)
Tsuna smiled hesitantly and touched Timoteo's hands.
(Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. Be. Warm.)
They were cold.
Tsuna grasped Timoteo's hands tighter and asked, at a louder voice, "Grandpa."
No response.
(Please let him still be breathing. Please.)
Tsuna reached a shaky finger to the nose.
No air.
No warm air.
Tsuna bit his lips and stared at the chest for a while before going into it. Leaning into Timoteo's chest and hugged the wrinkled old man tight.
(Let his hands curl against my body and hug me back. Let him tell me once again, "Too tight, Tsuna. Can't breathe." Let Reborn hit me with his hammer for—)
A small warm hand wiped away the tears that had been unconsciously rolling down Tsuna's face. A small figure edged closer and leaned towards his ears.
Tsuna replied softly, "I know, Reborn. Just give me 10 seconds... just 10."
Reborn waited.
Tsuna backed away and his tears were dried (or cleaned off) and he took a shaky breath before returning to the podium.
(And Grandfather smiled with his last breath. He was happy... Right?)
"He was happy, Jyuudaime. He smiled. He wanted this, Jyuudaime."
"Yes.. Tsuna, he was happy."
"Boss, he took his last breath, smiling because you took over Vongola."
"Sawada... Don't be... Everything will be okay. It's... part and parcel of life."
"Omnivore.. One month; I'll postpone our training match till one month later."
"I can sleep with you for an entire month if you want... Tsunayoshi."
"Tsuana-nii... Is..." A sob. "Old Grandpa dead?"
Tsuna smiled, with tears in his eyes and stroked Lambo's hair before returning to face the curious crowd.
"I... am—am so—sorry." Tsuna choked. He looked at Reborn, who was on Timoteo's shoulders and took another deep breath.
"Grandfather won't be giving his speech.
"Nor will he ever be speaking again."
The crowd murmured, looking confused.
"Everyone here, will have their chance in death. Everyone here, will die—whether due to injuries, old age or diseases, we will die. And when we pass away, our loved ones will mourn for us. They might cry and kick and shout at God to return the deceased back to us.
"But we all know that that can never happen. This isolated, private affair—death, is that one thing that is common between all human beings; something that we will all experience yet that one experience we can never share.
"And today, we witness the passing of my beloved Grandfather, Timoteo, Vongola Nono. He passed away; took his last breath, smiling at me taking over his position. He passed away, wishing, hoping and knowing that Vongola is in good hands. He passed away, knowing that it is I who took over Vongola and smiled at that.
"He passed away happy.
"He passed away with his heart and mind in peace.
"Let's take one minute to recall his greatest achievements and everything he has ever done to you—whether it was good or bad, sour or sweet, recall and chew on it. Some of you have experiences with his longer than I have and I know that within that few years, he has done something good for you. Let's take a minute of silence to recall this great man, Timoteo, Vongola Nono."
.
.
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.
/
"My condolences, Vongola Decimo."
"May the God be with you."
"It'll be okay. The feeling will pass."
/
"Tsuna, are you okay?"
Tsuna looked up at the ceiling. He was still donned in his black suit he wore at his Grandfather's cremation that morning. His Grandfather had insisted a cremation and wanted Tsuna to separate his ashes into 7 different parts.
One to his family and six others for his guardians.
It was six in the evening and the Tenth Generation guardians were gathered around the dining table (and for once, no one was bickering and were all giving surreptitious worried glances at Tsuna).
Tsuna arrived back at the mansion at two in the afternoon and refused all concerns, making excuses to get back to his room. At ten to six, Hayato dragged his boss to the dining table to have his dinner (where Tsuna had repeatedly rejected the offer but he had done the same thing for the past three days as well).
"Yeah..."
Kyoya raised his eyebrows and asked, "Really?"
Tsuna glanced over and smiled, "I'll be fine."
All his guardians gave worried looks and Tsuna sighed.
"I'm not okay now. It's not easy for Grandpa to leave just like that and obviously I would be affected but I'll get over it."
Tsuna picked up his utensils and was about to start eating before he remembered something.
Something extremely important.
"Jyuudaime?"
Tsuna looked up and looked at them very seriously before asking, "Has anyone told Xanxus yet?"
(And of course, Xanxus would not know about it, after all he hated Tsunayoshi's guts to turn up for the Inheritance ceremony. And what with Tsuna acting like a zombie after the death, no one will remember to tell Xanxus. But when he found out, it will not be pretty but that's another story.)
(c) Joliesme