Do You Think It'll Always Be Like This?

I don't own these characters, I just like to spend time with them. No other profit to be had.

(AN: I posted this on another site and had no intentions of putting it here. But a friend of mine kept at me until I did. So here it is. Thanks, David for the prod. *NOTE* I will no longer respond to unconstructive criticism from anyone. So if you have nothing decent to say, don't say anything.)

(*(*(*(*(*M&K*)*)*)*)*)

"Matt?" Blue eyes regarded him seriously. "Do you think it'll always be like this?" She asked him seriously as he lay beside her catching his breath from their lovemaking.

"Do you mean…" He hesitated, not sure how to say it delicately. "I mean… like we are right now… like this?" He asked.

"Well,…" she paused. "Yes and no. I mean, yes like this physically but more than that. I mean in love like we are now. Will we always love each other like this?"

Matt rolled over in the bed and tucked a bright auburn ringlet of hair behind her 20 year old ear and bent his head towards her, softly kissing her before replying.

"I don't know, Kitty." He finally answered. "Right now, especially after what we just did, I… I don't think we'll ever change or ever want to. We'll always be just as we are right now, alive and in love. But…"

"But what?" She frowned worriedly. "You think you'll grow tired of me?" They'd been intimate lovers now for over two months and neither one had so much as looked at another in that time, but she wasn't a fool. Though, she'd quit taking men to her room, she was still a saloon girl and he was still a handsome US Marshal with the whole world before him.

"No." He answered. "I don't think I'll ever grow tired of you. It's just that…"

"It's just what?" She insisted worry turning to irritation. "What do you mean?"

Matt sat up in the bed with a deep sigh. "Kitty, I'm a lawman. You know that. You know how dangerous my job is. I could get gunned down any day."

Kitty nodded. "Yeah, and I could get shot in the saloon or run down by a wagon crossing the street. But what does that have to do with my question? I wasn't asking how long we'd live. I was asking if we'd be the same with each other no matter how long that is."

"But that's what I'm getting at, Kitty." Matt wasn't much a talker on the best of days and talking about feelings and emotions was most times right down impossible, but he needed to try. "Look, like I've told you before, with my job as it is, I couldn't ever marry you. I couldn't ever even claim you for fear someone would use you to get to me."

"So?" Kitty sat up next to him, pulling the sheet up across her bare breasts. "I know that. I've accepted that, Matt. I've not asked you to change, have I?"

"No." Matt agreed, "And I doubt you ever would, but, honey, with things like that between us, there's always a possibility that you'd grow tired of giving your love to a man that can't ever publically return it. It's not that I'd grow tired of you, but I'm afraid, you might grow tired of me."

But instantly, Kitty shook her head and placed a deep passionate kiss on his lips, silencing his fears. "Never." She answered, as she pulled him back down.

Several years passed and though the specific words were forgotten, Kitty had never forgotten that conversation. Daily, she worked at not only her thriving business, but her relationship with the tall man who had so taken her heart. But one day, she received a letter and that letter made her once again question.

"Matt, no one ever knew me like you do. I never let anyone. Now if there's something I just don't feel like talking about…"

Matt leaned over and laid a warm hand on her forearm. "I wouldn't ask you to." He assured her. For several moments after their conversation was over and Matt had left the saloon, Kitty sat, pondering that assurance. Once he found out about Tucker Ferrin, she had a feeling he would no longer accept her silence and that question from years ago might be answered a different way.

Several days passed and Kitty drove the wagon slowly down Front Street, young Thad sitting solemnly in the seat beside her. "Matt, I've got some things to tell you." She told him waiting to see condemnation or worse in his eyes. "But not right now."

Matt nodded and helped her out of the wagon. His warm gaze let her to know that so far nothing had changed but she knew once she told him everything, it just might.

Late that evening, with Thad stowed away under the loving care of Ma Smalley, Kitty and Matt sat in her room, untouched glasses of amber liquid sitting on the table before them. Kitty trembled and looked down after telling Matt everything about the outlaw Tucker Ferrin and how she had come to hate him.

"Matt? Do you think it'll always be like this?" She asked timidly when, after several long moments, he hadn't spoken.

"Like what?" He asked quietly.

Kitty looked up and met his gaze. "Like this." She answered, valiantly trying to stifle the tears that were wanting to fall. "Us, distant from one another."

Matt stood up and paced over to the window. What Kitty had told him, disturbed him. She had gone through so much at the hands of that bastard and yet had said nothing to him about it. In his view, she hadn't trusted him enough to tell him.

"Matt." Kitty's voice wavered. "I'm sorry. I… I just… I wanted so much to tell you what he did. I wanted…" She reached over and grabbed her glass, taking a deep drink of it before continuing. "I couldn't tell you, Matt." Her voice was a little stronger now. "You were out of town at the time it happened and at first I wanted more than anything to just forget it. But the next day, after thinking about it, I decided I would tell you. I didn't want to keep secrets from you. But then that trial, you were at, dragged on and…"

"So you're saying this is my fault?" Matt turned and looked at her, anger and hurt clearly written along the strong lines of his face.

"NO!" Kitty protested. "No, Matt, never. It was… it was my fault more than anyone's except Tucker's. If I hadn't…" She closed her eyes and dropped her head in shame. "I didn't want him to…" She stopped and then after a moment tried again. "He wouldn't stop. I tried to fight…" She wiped away a tear that had slipped past her defenses. "I was so ashamed." She said finally, softly. "You and I were new to each other and I thought… I didn't want you to hate me."

Matt studied her for a moment, his anger and wounded pride forgotten as he thought of the pain and hurt she must've endured. Swiftly, he stepped back over to the settee and pulled her up into his arms, cradling her close, raining kisses onto her forehead. "Never." He whispered into her hair. "Never."

Not too much time went past before they were again, sitting side by side, contemplating their lives.

"Kitty? Do you think it'll always be like this?" Matt asked softly, watching her intently. 'Will you always feel so…" He stopped when she rose and stepped away from him without answering.

Wrapping her arms around herself, she went over to the window, staring out into the street, seeing nothing.

"Kitty?" Matt rose and went to stand behind her. He wanted to touch her, pull into his arms. But he didn't. He was sure that right then, she wouldn't welcome his touch. "Nothing… nothing physical happened between us. I promise you that. It… it wasn't like that."

Kitty continued in her silence, thinking of all he'd told her about Sarah Drew and his time with her. Part of her hated the woman for even thinking of taking what was hers, and yet a part of her was so grateful that she had protected Matt and literally saved his life. Still yet another part of her was wounded and hurt that Matt and Sarah had shared something so intense while she was back here in Dodge, worried about him, assuming he was on his way to Hays. Hurt even more by Matt's confession to her that he'd felt something for Sara.

"Did you love her, Matt?" She asked quietly, holding her breath, afraid he'd answer in the affirmative.

Matt considered that question for a moment, scaring her even more, before finally, he shook his head. "No, Kitty. I didn't love her. I cared about her in some way, but it wasn't love. It wasn't what I feel for you. I have never loved any woman as I love you."

Cupping her shoulders, Matt gently turned her to face him. When she refused to raise her head, he raised it for her with a finger under her chin." "I love you, Kitty Russell. I don't know what else to say."

Kitty locked eyes with him seeing the truth of his words, hidden in his blue depths. Finally, she accepted his apology and his love and relaxed her rigid stance, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. "Do me a favor?" She asked as her head rested against his chest.

"If I can." He answered.

"Don't attempt to take another woman to Ft. Wallace." She said as she raised her head and looked up at him, a twinkle in her eye at last.

Matt chuckled and bent his head, capturing her lips in a kiss. "Never."

A year passed and the two were closer than ever. Happily they were looking forward to the Ford County Sociable, until that wire arrived.

"KItty, I'm sorry. But I've got to go to Topeka." Matt had told her. He couldn't understand why this was so important to her. Why couldn't she just go with Doc and Chester as she had to so many other functions when his job pulled him away.

Kitty understood that his job was important but she couldn't understand why he didn't get that she loved HIM. That she wanted to be with HIM. Not Doc and Chester. Why couldn't he see that his escorting her to the dance spoke volumns that no words could match. That action alone would tell the whole of Ford County that she was his and he was hers. But either he didn't see it, or wouldn't.

A week later, with Ad Bellam laying on a slab at Percy Crump's, Matt and Kitty sat quietly at dinner in Delmonico's.

She was grateful that he had returned in time to save her from the pyschotic man and that he seemed to understand why she had even allowed the man near her. But she was disturbed a bit that he didn't seem to care.

"Matt?" She asked. Do you think it'll always be this way?"

Matt looked up from the food he'd been pushing around his plate. "Like what?" He asked politely but not warmly.

"LIke this." She looked around to make sure no one was close enough to overhear their conversation. Matt had instilled an overabundance of caution in her a long time ago. "We're polite and all but that's about it. Matt, I want..."

"I know what you want." He said quietly. "You want a man who'll show you affection and attention and not just in private. You want a man who can take you to dances and dinner and vacations without having to back out due to his job. You want..."

"NO!" Though she didn't raise her voice, her tone was stern and definitely caught his attention. "I want you. I love you. I've told you so many times, since we met, that I understand about your job that I'm tired of saying it. I DO understand that you can't always be there. What I didn't understand was why you couldn't see how I felt. Why you couldn't understand how much I wanted to be with you. YOU. Not Doc and Chester but you."

Matt was quiet as she spoke and it finally began to dawn on him how she must've felt, when after promising her for so long that he'd take her to the dance, he suddenly pulled out just a couple days before it and acted as though she was a spoiled child who wasn't getting her way.

"I love you, Matt." She whispered. "I'll never love anyone as I love you. But as long as you continue to see me as nothing but an inconvience where your badge is concerned, than I guess my love is not enough. Ad Bellam was a disturbed man. He was two different men, bad and good. But at least the good side of him knew how to show a woman that she was important." She grabbed her reticule prepared to leave.

Her words stung. He knew she was right. He'd taken her to dinner with the thought of 'forgiving' her for her lapse of judgement in taking up with Bellam, but he realized it was he that needed to apologize. He had, after all, driven her to it.

Looking back up at her he reached out and took her hand before she could rise and leave him. "I'm sorry, Kitty." His voice was soft and sad and remorseful. "You're right. I never once gave any consideration to how you felt about this. I... I'm sorry."

Kitty relaxed in her seat. "We both made mistakes here, Matt." She pointed out. "We were both wrong. But that's not as important as what we do from now on."

Matt shrugged. "You're right. But I can't promise that my job won't interfere with our plans anymore, Kitty. I can't promise that I won't have to leave at the last minute again."

"I'm not asking you to." She answered. "I'm only asking you to consider my feelings when you do have to leave and don't treat me as some kid you can appease with a toy. Please?"

Matt nodded. "I can promise that." He smiled for the first time that night. "Will you promise me something?"

"What?" She asked, relieved to see his smile.

"You won't nurse any more men with head injuries unless me or Doc is with you."

"Never." She grinned.

Four more years passed. They had settled into a comfortable loving relationship that seemed stronger as each day passed. They had endured some of the most horrible things two people could and yet each thing seemed to only make their bond stronger. People who had tried to destroy either or both of them, soon found out it was easier said than done.

But then Kitty took a trip and returned with an Indian necklace and a man named Crowley that she owed a favor to.

"Matt? Do you think it'll always be like this? You so… ?" She stood behind him as he stared out in the streets from the jail window. "Will you…"

"Kitty…" He waved her off for a moment, trying to get his emotions and his thoughts under control before anything else was said by either of them.

"Marshal, let me tell you about that woman." Crowley had said as the two dead men were carted over to Percy Crumps and Matt took him to jail.

"I know about that woman." Matt had replied, confident at the moment that he did. But did he? Though technically, she hadn't actually lied to him, she had withheld information from him that had contributed to two men's death. The fact that those men were bank robbers and murderers, didn't change a great deal.

And yet, he couldn't hate her, he couldn't even really fault her. She HAD owed Crowley her life. Matt owed Crowley. He had been there when Matt hadn't. Running a hand through his hair, he shook his head at all the thoughts swirling around in it.

"If…" Kitty hesitantly spoke from behind him. "If you don't... want… to be around me, for a while, I'll understand."

Matt didn't move, didn't turn, and didn't speak. Kitty figured she had her answer. Biting her bottom lip, she dropped her head and started for the door.

But Matt stopped her with a hand on her arm, before she could get it open. "You were only returning a favor? You didn't have feelings for him?"

Kitty glanced down at his hand and shook her head. She now understood just a little more. "I owed him my life, Matt. Not my heart. Anyway, I couldn't give him something I'd already given to you and you still own."

It was the answer he'd wanted. Tugging the arm he held, he pulled her into a fierce embrace, heedless of the fact that they standing in the jail in front of the window where anybody could see them. Several seconds went by and nothing was said by either of them, as their hearts took over and began the work of mending the rift that favor had caused between them.

Finally Matt pushed her back just slightly and looked down at her. "No more favors." He said sternly, yet with a twinkle in his eye.

Kitty grinned for the first time in days, eager to agree. "Never."

TBC

AN: In the episode, Miss Kitty, Season 7, there is a scene where Matt and Chester are talking about Tucker Ferrin and Chester and Matt mention that they remembered him. Chester states that he used to come into the Long Branch and thought he was a big lady's man. That comment combined with Kitty's comment that Thad's mother worked for her leads one to believe that Tucker Ferrin's interaction with Kitty was after she came to Dodge and bought into the Long Branch. That is why I have written it this way. (Of course the timing doesn't jive with Thad's age but then timing never really was the GS writer's strong suit)