Title: An Undecided Affair
Author: rowanstar
Rating: NC17 overall
Setting: AU; Sunnydale
Spoilers: None
Distribution: Please contact me first.
Disclaimer: Characters and settings of Buffy the Vampire Slayer owned by Joss Whedon and the good fellas at Mutant Enemy.
Summary: Willow Rosenberg's life was perfect. She had the perfect job, the perfect husband, and the perfect house often filled with her perfect friends. Yes, she thought she had it all until she met Tara and what started out as a clandestine meeting became a struggle between what she thought she had always wanted and what she never knew she needed.

Author's Note: This is my first fanfic, but it's been a long time coming. Let me know what you think of this chapter and we'll see if I can write a few more.

Prologue

Willow woke slowly, drowsily from slumber, her eyes blinking into focus in the stark darkness of the room. She felt…blissful, completely and blessedly languid. She wanted to stretch but refrained as her lover stirred against her back, pressing them closer, entwining their legs even further.

She sighed in pleasure, her small grin stretching into a huge smile. She felt giddy with happiness; she almost wanted to giggle and she wouldn't have been able to fight the urge if she hadn't caught sight of the clock.

3:30 AM. Shit.

Her eyes slid closed as she cursed her own stupidity. 3:30 in the goddamn morning.

Shit.

She knew she had to move quickly, but damn it she really didn't want to have to leave this bed. She shook her head and opened her eyes, banishing away all thoughts of staying. She had to go.

She steeled herself, lifting the arm that had been resting peacefully against her stomach and slipping soundlessly from the nest of warm flesh. She walked around the room gathering her clothes and slipping on her jeans and t-shirt. She couldn't find her panties and almost gave up on her bra until she saw it lying underneath the bed. She wondered how it got there.

As she bent to retrieve it she glanced once more at her lover, who had stretched across the bed and buried her nose into the Willow-scented pillow as if she couldn't get enough of the red head. More then ever, Willow wanted to return to her arms. She looked stunning, the moonlight running through her golden hair, illuminating the smooth planes of her naked shoulders. The sight made the red head want to touch her, but she knew where that road would take them and she couldn't waste any more time.

She glanced at the clock again. 3:45 AM. 15 minutes had already passed. It was time that she left. With that she turned towards the door, her shoes dangling from her fingers so she wouldn't make unnecessary noise. She was almost there when she made a mistake. She forgot about the squeaking floorboard and as she stepped on it, it made a loud keening cry.

She froze hoping against hope that the sound hadn't woken her love. No such luck.

The blonde stirred, reaching across the bed where the redhead had slept as if to pull her closer. Her brow furrowed as she realized that side of the bed was empty and she came fully awake. She glanced around the room until her eyes landed on her now fully dressed lover. "Willow?"

Willow sighed. "Yeah baby, it's me."

The blonde rolled over in bed, sitting up while pulling the sheets closer around her naked body. The red contrasted beautifully with her skin and Willow couldn't help but remember what it looked like framing her body as they made love hours before.

"What are you…?" The scantily clad woman shook her head, the frown of confusion that had marred her face slipping into understanding. "You're leaving."

It was not a question, but Willow felt the need to explain. "I'm sorry. I must have fallen asleep. But I've really got to get home. Oz is…"

The sentence trailed off, the unspoken taboo flying around the deathly silence of the room.

She had said his name.

His name. The name of a man they hadn't spoken of. Not here. Not in this most sacred of places.

Willow opened her mouth, wanting to say something, anything that would erase what she had just done, the name she had just spoken. She looked at her lover, who sat forlornly on the bed, and grimaced.

"How many times do you think we've made love?" The question startled Willow. It hadn't been what she was expecting.

"Well…uh…I don't know, a few hundred." The redhead grinned, but it slowly faded as she realized how solemn her lover was being.

"And how many of those times have you stayed with me, spent the night with me?"

Willow shook her head, confused. "Tara, what…"

Tara held up her hand stopping the redhead's words. "How many times Willow? Do you even know?" Tears welled up in her eyes. They spilled over and made tracks down her cheeks.

The clothed woman remained quiet as her lover pulled the sheets closer into herself, shielding herself. Tara shook her head, stared at her fingers as they clutched the bed cloths in her lap.

"No more. I can't do it any more Willow." She sniffed, swiping the tears from her eyes. "I thought…I thought," She shook her head once more as if to clear it. "Huh, I don't even know what I thought. And it doesn't matter. I can't do it any more. I won't."

Willow looked in her lover's eyes. They were like steel, even as they shimmered with falling tears. She was serious. Dead serious. She didn't know what to do with that. Didn't know what she should be feeling. She wasn't sure if she had even heard her right.

Tara drew in a long breathe, held it and let it out in a soul deep sigh. "Don't come back Willow."

At that, Willow shook herself, opening her mouth to protest. The blonde cut her off.

"If you walk out that door don't come back. Not until you've decided…" She paused, swallowing her tears. "Not until you've decided who you want to be with."

The redhead stood frozen. Sweet Goddess, it was like a nightmare. She didn't know what to do. She felt trapped, like she wanted to scream and holler and beg, get down on her hands and knees and beg her lover not to do this, not to throw away what they had.

She looked at her Tara in shock, the anguish already spilling over her features, clicking into her brain. Tears sprang to her eyes and she wanted to let them fall, wanted to crouch on the floor and sob. But she didn't. She drew herself up, squared her shoulders, and walked to the door.

Because Tara was right. They shouldn't have to live like this. She shouldn't have to live like this, watching her lover slip from her bed every morning so she could go back to her husband. It was unfair of her to expect the blonde to live with it.

She turned back to her love as she reached for the door handle. The other woman was biting her bottom lip, trying to keep the tears at bay. Their eyes locked and the redhead almost went back as she saw pain and love and fear and hate flash through her beloved's eyes.

But Willow just nodded and left the room, a wail of anguish filtering through the thin walls as she walked down the hall.

She had made the right choice. It was the best thing…leaving. She couldn't stay.

Not until she decided.