"Alright Beca, that's it. I know something's wrong," Chloe begins, dropping her empty bowl of what used to be Apple Jacks in the kitchen sink. "And it's devastating because I can see it in you, I can feel it, but you won't let me in so I don't how what to do. I don't know how to help. Please, God, just let me in Beca," she blurts out, looking sort of relieved to have finally gotten that off her chest.
Beca freezes, unsure how to respond. She'd be lying if she said that anything Chloe articulated was incorrect. Something is wrong. The problem is, the brunette has absolutely no idea how to explain it. And aside from that impasse, letting people in that much, even Chloe, still scared Beca half to death. What if she was rejected? Put down? Judged? What if they left her? Despite knowing deep down that Chloe would never do any of those things, the DJ couldn't prevent the panic that rose in her chest when she so much as thought about being that vulnerable.
Chloe noticed how quiet the brunette suddenly was, seeing the fear, and perhaps even conflict in her eyes. She could see the way Beca visibly tensed up, jaw clenched, "you don't have to deal with everything alone, you know."
Beca looks up from the ground, her gunmetal blue eyes colliding with Chloe's, "let's go in my room first." The brunette grabs onto the older woman's hand gently, leading her to the next room.
Once they get themselves settled in on the bed, Beca wracks her brain, trying to figure out how to explain just what's going on inside her head. "I'm just… having kind of hard time right now, with myself," she attempts.
Chloe nods her head softly, urging Beca to continue. The brunette lets out a breath, one she hadn't realized she was holding, "honestly Chlo, I have no clue how to put this," she starts. "I don't know how to explain something to someone, when I don't even understand it myself," Beca continues.
She seems almost lost in her words, in herself. "It's like… it's like there's a clear wall separating me from everyone, everything else. And I'm uncomfortably aware that the wall is there, but no one else is. I'm alone on the other side. Alone with my thoughts and feelings, knowing that I'm stuck."
The DJ begins to wring her fingers in anxiety, "I can see everyone on the other side, living and breathing and just… existing, with such ease. They don't ever stop to question it."
The redhead notes the distant look on Beca's face. Her heart cracks a bit, reaching for the brunette's hand in attempt to comfort her, calm some of her nerves. She stays quiet, listening intently and hanging onto every syllable. She rubs her thumb on the back of the brunette's hand, soothing her.
Beca pauses, tears stinging her eyes. But she refuses to let them fall as she continues, "I try to escape. Join them. Get away from this feeling. I pound on the glass as hard as I can. I'm not sure whether it's in hopes that it'll break or that someone will notice, but no matter how much I bang on the glass or how loud I scream, no one sees me."
The brunette stops, closing her eyes. She stays like that for a moment, gaining as much composure as she can, "I know it sounds weird, but I don't even feel like I'm… here anymore. I don't feel like me. And it hurts so fucking much, but I don't know how to make it stop."
Beca's voice starts to crack, a single, hot tear slipping down her cheek and burning her face, "I just don't wanna do it anymore Chlo," she finally admits. Fresh tears gather at her eyes, spilling over all at once.
The redhead stays silent. Beca doesn't know what else to say and she's so nervous that she can hear her heartbeat pounding in her ears. She even worries that Chloe can hear it too. Sobs begin to wrack the brunette's tiny frame as Chloe shifts in her spot on the bed and envelopes Beca in what might be the tightest hug she's ever experienced.
Now, if it were anyone else, Beca would have begun panicking even more, if that was possible. But this wasn't anyone else, this was Chloe. So the DJ felt herself melt a little into the hug, inhaling the redhead's scent and focusing solely on that.
They sit in that same position, Beca half on Chloe's lap, with her walls finally all the way down. For the first time in so long, she doesn't choke back the tears that come rushing to her eyes. She lets them dribble down her cheeks as she lets out a couple sniffles here and there. She lets Chloe be there for her.
After a while, Beca finds the strength to say something else, "I don't want you to think I don't appreciate you being in my life though, Chloe. Because I do. So, so much. You have no idea how much you help me on the days where I don't even know how to help myself."
The DJ pulls back from the older woman slightly, "and it's not all doom and gloom. I do have moments, usually, I find, I'm with you when these moments happen. When we're wrapped up together in a million blankets on the couch, watching some cheesy chick-flick that you somehow always convince me to watch with you," Beca smiles slightly, a a few memories coming to mind.
Chloe lets out a slow breath, considering her next words, "I'm glad I can be there for you like that. I'm glad I can help." She squeezes the brunette's hand a little before continuing, "But you don't need to start acting tough again so soon Beca. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay if you aren't okay."
Beca nods, her heart aching as she chooses what to say next. "I'm not okay, Chlo," she confesses.
In an instant, the redhead pulls the DJ into another soothing hug, "I know."
They both heave a sigh, hoping that maybe, it'll ease the pain. "I love you Becs."
"I love you too."
A slight smile washes over Chloe's features, "Wanna curl up on the couch and watch some chick-flicks with me?"
A chuckle escapes Beca's lips as a smile tugs at her lips. And for the first time in a while, Chloe can see that smile crossing her eyes too. It doesn't just stop at her lips. She's smiling, genuinely. "Of course I do," the DJ replies.
Tomorrow, the older woman decides, they would find a way to help the brunette. They would see a doctor, and figure out what steps they'd take to make things easier for Beca.
But for tonight, Chloe was going to give Beca all the hugs she could handle. They were going to pop some corny chick flick into the DVD player, snuggle into each other, and just exist.
And that was enough for both of them.