Tom Hanson entered the chapel and went straight to his desk. It was a quiet day and there wasn't anything for him to do. No activity was happening and going undercover wasn't necessary. He sat down and led out a big sigh, leaned back, and looked up at the ceiling. Tom focused on a spot and thought hard. He didn't know what exactly what he was thinking or looking at, but it was better than just sitting there, doing nothing.
Hanson was looking at the spot for so long that it seemed like it was moving, he knew that it was his mind playing a trick on him, but he seemed to enjoy it. Tom followed it with his eyes and fell out his chair when "it" moved a little too far. The bang of the chair on the floor got everyone's attention. He looked up with embarrassment and got up.
"Sorry" he said with a little smile as he picked up the chair and placed it where it was and tucked it back in. He acted like nothing happened as he casually walked to the coffee pot.
The only thing that was good about coming in the morning was the coffee, it was better than the stuff he made. Tom would have several cups throughout the day, making him a bit hyper towards the end of his shift.
Tom grabbed a mug and it nearly fell out of his hand. He noticed and caught it before it crashed to the ground. He didn't know what was wrong with him. As soon as he entered the building, his luck changed. Tom couldn't think why he was having an off day. He placed the mug back on the table and walked back to his desk. He had nothing to do, he was bored.
He sat back down and grabbed a ball from the top drawer and started to throw it up into the air and catching it. The ball kept getting higher and higher, until it hit one the of the lights, making the ball bounce off and fly, almost hitting the cop sitting in the next desk. He looked up at Tom who had a disapprove look on his face. "Sorry".
Tom sat up straight in his chair and sighed. He saw the crossword on the desk, grabbed a pencil and went thru the clues. Tom wasn't in the mood to think, but he wanted to look busy.
Within minutes of picking up the paper, Doug Penhall entered the chapel. He had a look of disappointment. A look of worry. Hanson couldn't think why Doug would be in the mood he was. Doug never had a problem; he was always the one helping others. Tom was hoping that it wasn't serious. It was kind of a bummer that Doug was feeling the way his was. He made his way towards him. Hoping that seeing Hanson would make him feel better.
"Hey Doug" Tom said in an innocent tone. Doug walked past him without saying a word. This was strange. Tom looked at him in shock. He didn't know what to say or do. Penhall's never ignored him. He was always happy.
Penhall sat down and placed his head on his desk, Hanson wasn't sure if he wanted to approach him and asked what was wrong. He didn't want Doug to think he was invading his space, but they were together all day, every day so Tom didn't think Doug would mind. Tom wanted to be a good friend.
Doug wasn't thinking straight, he didn't want to come in to work today. He had a blank stare. He was lost. Seemed like his whole world came crashing down. He became unresponsive. He was now in his own world. And there was nothing you could do to get him out of it. Tom snapped his fingers in front of him to get his attention. He was getting a little scared.
Penhall leaned back into his chair; he rubbed the tiredness from his eyes. Clavo was up all night and he kept waking up Doug. He began to get frustrated because he wanted a good night sleep. He didn't know what to do.
Tom handed him a cup of coffee. Doug yawned as he accepted the cup. He smiled in thanks, took a sip and placed the cup on the desk. Doug wasn't able to concentrate on any of the paperwork. He kept getting distracted. Kept pacing back and forth. He seemed nervous.
It was a weird situation because Doug never asked for anything. Doug dealt with things in his own way. He was alone in the world and dealing with things without any one's help was something he learnt at a young age. He had to grow up fast. Doug never forgave himself after his mom died. His dad was never around, he lived by the bottle. He had a brother, but before the death of their father, he left; leaving Doug to fend for himself and take care of their dying father. They never seen or talked to each other since then. Tom had no idea about Doug's background, till a year ago, when they were working on a case.
Tom knew that Penhall blamed himself for his mom's suicide. He kept thinking he didn't love her enough. He was 6 years old, when it happened. You never forget that. Hanson kept telling him that it wasn't his fault. What else could a friend say or do to make him feel better.
"Doug, you got to sit down and relax" Tom finally said something.
"I can't, there are too many things going through my head to relax" He answered in a panic tone.
"Have you slept at all?" Hanson asked trying to get some information from him. He was concerned.
Doug was pacing back and forth between the desks. He would pick up items, play with it and place it down on another desk. "It's been 3 days, Tom, 3 days. The kid is driving me crazy. I can't sleep because he wakes me up every 10 minutes with a problem. I can't function." Penhall finally let it all out. He made his way back to his desk and sat down. Tom wanted to help, but how.
"What can I do to help?" Tom walked over and sat on the edge of the desk. He picked up a slinky and started to play with it.
"I don't know" Penhall yawned and looked up at Hanson, who was more into playing with the slinky then offering to help. "Maybe you can take him off my hands for a few days. I can catch up on some sleep"
Tom looked at Doug. "Come on, you serious?"
"Yes, I'm serious. I've seen you with him. You get along."
"I don't know. Doug" Hanson placed down the toy and looked at Penhall. He wasn't sure if taking care of a kid he hardly knew was the right thing to do.
"Hanson, please I need this."
"I'll think about it and I'll get back to you."
There was something else about Doug that seemed off, besides having problems with Clavo. Penhall was more in a darker place then Tom thought. He knew there was something else, but he couldn't figure it out. Maybe having Clavo wasn't working out. Maybe it wasn't going as planned. It could be a bunch of things.
Doug wasn't the type to talk about his problems. He always hid them. Even when there were people there trying to help, he wouldn't accept it. Tom was his best friend and even he never really knew what was going on sometimes. After Doug told him about his childhood, and what happened to his parents. Doug never seemed to get that piece of him back. He was helpless. There was still a little piece of him inside that wanted to get out, that little kid that disappeared after his mom died.
You don't forget what happened to you when you're a kid. The smallest thing can be cherished in every aspect. No matter how good or how bad. Doug did everything he could as a 6 year old to bring his mother back. It was the only thing he knew how to do at that age. His mother never came back and it crushed him.
Doug stood up and went upstairs to the lockers. You could hear his footsteps going up the wooden staircase. He sat on the bench; he's never been so upset. He wanted to be left alone. A million thoughts raced through his head and there wasn't anything he could do about it.
He never knew how hard it would be to take care of a child. Especially when you work full time. The worst part was not knowing what was going to happen on the job. Tom and Doug have been on some of the worst cases and not knowing how it was going to end frightened Penhall. He wasn't scared before because he was always putting up a front, but now that there was a child in the picture, he didn't want to take any chances.
Doug put his life on the line on a daily basis and there have been times where Penhall could have been seriously hurt, even shot and he couldn't do that to the poor kid.
Penhall rested his head into his hands and hoped that there was something for him to do. There were questions that had no answers. He became distinct from the people around him. He hardly said a word in the past few days. He hadn't crack a joke which was out of character. There wasn't anything anyone could do, but stand there and watch him be silent. A sign that something was wrong.
Doug sat there in silence, thinking. Trying to figure things out. Eventually after what seemed like a lifetime of being alone. Penhall heard someone come up the stairs. He didn't bother turning around. He knew who it was. Tom stood behind him, leaning against the railing.
"Everything okay?" Tom said to break the silence.
"Yeah, everything's fine." Doug lied. "I'm just thinking." He looked up. He knew that everything was not going as planned. His world that he once knew was crashing to the ground.
"Does this involve Clavo and having to take care of him?"
Tom moved to the bench not knowing what state Doug was going to be in. He was hurting. There was something deep down that was bothering him and there was no way of fighting it. He was angry. Everything was happening to fast and Penhall wasn't able to deal with what life dealt him. He was a simple guy who knew what to do.
"It involves a bunch of things." Doug choked up. He was hopeless. He knew that Tom wanted to help. He always did. Both of them combined have been to hell and back and he knew that he could trust Tom with his life. "You want to talk about it?" Tom turning his body towards him.
"It's frustrating because I thought it was going to be easy, I never knew that taking care of a 6 year old was going to be challenging." Doug admitted trying not to sound upset.
"What do you think it was going to be, he's a child. Kids don't come with an instruction manual. If they did, then there weren't be any cases for us to work on." Tom said jokingly trying to make Penhall break a smile. He sat there in silence. He was really hurting. "What are you planning on doing with him? You're not going to send him back to El Salvador?"
"I may have to. I'm not getting any sleep, my work is suffering." Doug stood up and started to pace. He was panicking. His hands were in the pockets of his jeans. A sign that he was anxious.
There wasn't anything Tom could do. He sat there on the bench watching him walk back and forth for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. "That's not a good reason to send a kid back to his home country. Especially what's going on down there. Remember what happened to us. It's not fair."
Hanson was right. El Salvador wasn't the ideal place for a kid Clavo's age. Words can't describe what he was feeling. Angry, upset and irritated were on top of the list. He was numb. Doug wasn't able to calm down. Was this a mistake? Bringing Clavo back home with him. A child he never knew or even existed.
"What are you planning on doing?"
"Honestly, I don't know. Every time I come up with something, I keep thinking it's not good enough for him." He stopped in front of the lockers and leaned against them. He sighed and became quiet.
"What do you mean not good enough?" Tom didn't understand. "He's 6."
"I think if I sent him back then he's going to get hurt. If he stays here, then he's not going to get the attention that he deserves." Doug went back to the bench. "I can't figure it out." His eyes began to water. "Then there's the thought of sending him back alone. He's already been thru a lot. Imagine the crap he's seen." The tone is his voice was in a whisper. You could tell that he was on the verge of tears.
"There is nothing to worry about." Tom was trying to comfort him. "You did the right thing in bringing him back here."
"Do you think it was worth it?"
"Was it worth it? In my head, yes it was, but my heart says, no. It's a culture shock. Would you want to be taken away from the only place you've known? Going from a home where you knew everyone to leaving for a place where there's a language barrier."
Once again, Hanson was right. Doug didn't want to be in the position Clavo was in, but when he thought about it he has been in worst scenarios. Clavo still has a mother, he was able to talk to her, see her, and hug her. Doug lost his mother when he was the same age. And he still blames himself for what happened.
"I can relate to him in a way. He was taken away from his mother." Penhall choked back tears.
"It was his mother's idea to bring him here. You had no choice in what your mother did. You were 6 years old. You didn't know that she was going to do what she did. Your mother was very sick. It was the only way she knew how to fix things. Clavo's mother didn't want him to be raised in a war zone."
Penhall was in shock. He could have helped his mother. There was so many times when Doug could have approached her, but by the time he figured out the words to say to her, it was too late. He was left to grow up without a mom.
Then there was his father who drunk constantly. He was never there. Doug was never able to talk to him because he was always out. He never took his dad seriously. There was a time after his mom died where he didn't talk to his dad for months. There was no way you could blame the poor kid.
Penhall felt for Clavo. Doug didn't think it was right. You couldn't take a child away from their family.
"Whatever you decide to do. You know I'm going to support you, but you have to think about the consequences. Think about the kid. Have you talk to him? Ask him what he wants."
"I don't want him to think I don't want him. He already thinks that he's getting passed around from family member to family member because he's not loved. He'll be crushed. I can't watch his heart get broken. He needs a lot of attention right now and working all day and hardly seeing him at night is really hurting Clavo right now."
There wasn't anything else Tom could do. It was all up to Doug. It was hard because he couldn't get inside Doug's head without drilling him with questions. He wanted Penhall to have his space and help him deal with the problems, but he also wanted to see Doug figure out a solution.
"What other things are there. Doug?" Tom was backing off. He was slowing trying not to get too involved.
Doug was panicking. He wanted to give up. He had one of two choices. Give up the kid and send him back or he could quit the police force and take care of him full time. He loved being a cop, but in a way the kid was more important.
"Quit Jump Street." Doug said in quietly.
"What do you mean quit Jump Street? You love it here."
"I know, and it's great. Couldn't have asked for a better job, but things change. If another life wasn't involved then I would consider staying. There are a million things I could do and this is on top of the list. It's something I have to do. I'm sorry, Tom." Doug stood up and walked down the stairs leaving Tom alone.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Doug didn't mean what he said. Nobody took Doug seriously, he was always cracking jokes and acting out. Maybe this was his way of getting attention. Tom didn't know if he should go to Fuller about this or let him deal with it himself.