VOLDEMORT'S REVENGE

by the psychotic house elf

The Dark Lord Returns

At last, he was free. Free of that godawful land of nothingness.

Lord Voldemort, the darkest wizard of all time, the most evil man in history, the most feared human being ever to turn himself halfway into a snake, laughed maniacally as he examined his pale, six-and-a-half-foot-tall, spidery-fingered, red-eyed, snake-faced, decidedly non-dead-baby-ish self again for the first time in over one hundred million billion years.

"I live again..." he murmured reverently. "I live again..."

"My Lord?" said one of the Death Eaters in his throne room. "Are you all right?"

"YES! SHUT UP!" Voldemort shouted at him, as loudly as he possibly could. The Death Eater's head exploded because the Dark Lord's voice was amplified about a hundred times by magic. The rest of the Death Eaters were a lot smarter than their comrade and did not ask Voldemort if he was all right.

"I must buy one of those watches that tells me the date as well as the time..." muttered Voldemort to himself. "BELLATRIX!" he called.

Bellatrix threw herself at his feet. "Master?"

"What is the date?"

"October 30, 1981, Master."

"A-HA!" Voldemort shrieked, and another Death Eater's head exploded. "WORMT- Oh. JUGSON!" Jugson was the Death Eater whose head had exploded earlier. "Travers!"

"My Lord!"

Finally, a living Death Eater. "Find Peter Pettigrew and bring him to me! Be sure to physically abuse him in every way possible, and make a lot of rat references!"

"At once, My Lord!"

"Selywn! Get Snape in here immediately, and make sure he knows I am very displeased with him for reasons I am not going to reveal to anyone, because if I did it would make him feel less anxious about not knowing what he has done wrong!"

"Yes, My Lord!"

"Mulciber! Get me someone I can torture by pulling their eyes out through their nose!"

"Right away, My Lord!"

Voldemort sat down in his extremely evil-looking, spiky black throne, feeling better than he had in just over a hundred million billion years.

Limbo really, really sucked. Like, industrial-strength suck. A maelstrom of suck. So much suck that you would not only drown in it, your soul would remain trapped in the suck because there was no place without suck. He had spent most of those hundred million billion years floating through Limbo as an ugly, ruined, mutated, mutilated dead baby, and there was absolutely nothing to do when you were stuck in the useless body of a dead baby. Needless to say, Voldemort had gone completely insane. More completely insane than he had been when he died, anyway, which was saying something.

But now he was back. Back and still completely insane.

Things were looking up, Voldemort thought as Bellatrix lounged on the floor beside his throne, two unfortunate Death Eater grunts cleaned up Jugson's remains with Muggle mops while Rowle whipped them and called them lazy bags of dragon crap, and Mulciber brought him a very annoying Muggle in a cheap suit who looked like he was probably an encyclopedia salesman.

This is something that I will update in between updates of my other stories. If anyone has any suggestions for chapters (you'll get the general idea of how it works once I post one or two actual chapters, which I'll do over the next few days), tell me and I'll give you credit for coming up with it if it's really original. Oh, yeah, and this is not betaed, nor will it ever be. However, if I have made a mistake, feel free to point it out.