Title: "The Chameleon"
Rating: I'll stick with PG-13, since I'm giving info about delicate case material... g
Summary: With Halloween fast approaching, some photos from Bobby's past make their way into the Major Case Squad office. This story is filled with references/hints to past roles for various actors who've made appearances on the show. See if you can spot all 14 references... (And yes, the title is a nod to one of the nicknames VDO has earned...)
Author's Note: I'm willing to revise this; I know it's not the best. But we all hafta start somewhere. And if I didn't put this out there, I might not have the confidence to write more. This is probably OOC, but I had to get this out of my system.
(plunk)
Eames and Goren looked up from their paperwork at the noise made by an envelope dropped on Goren's desk. Their eyes met their captain's for an explanation.
Deakins shrugged. "All I know is someone left this at the front desk downstairs, with instructions to give it to you, Bobby."
They would have believed him if not for the slight upturn of his lips. Or the twinkle in his eyes. Or the fact that he said, "Bobby." He only did that when things were dire, or when he had the urge to rib Goren over something. And Captain James Deakins knew how to rib people when the urge hit.
"Captain..." Goren hoped the exasperation would get the full story out of him. The pleading tone just couldn't be used on males. It worked on females—even Eames on the right day (though good luck spotting such a day)—but no way could he try that on his male boss. Not without more teasing and jokes than high school.
But Deakins walked back toward his office, tossing over his shoulder, "I said, 'all I know.'" Now he was smiling. Even as another detective stopped him to discuss something.
He might not know, but he suspected... And expected the contents would be amusing to anyone except Goren himself.
"Now what could possibly be in that envelope that would make you this nervous," Alex pondered aloud, getting up to move over to see the envelope better. When he kept staring at the envelope, dread all over his features, she grabbed it. Curiosity had to be satisfied.
Goren flinched as Alex started opening the envelope, still standing beside him. He could take it from her; he had the strength, and any tug-of-war might destroy any embarrassing items. But his ingrained manners wouldn't let him to that. And no chance in hell would he risk hurting Alex Eames, even by accident.
Instead, his left hand grabbed a pen so he would at least have something to fidget with, and his right covered his mouth, ready to cover his eyes in case it was as bad as he feared.
All he could think was thank god for the lack of potential witnesses; late hour.
Alex felt some photos inside, along with post-it notes attached to each one. Had to be at least 10 of each. She pulled them out, turning them so she could see the pictures first.
And burst out laughing.
Bobby barely resisted the urge to groan. He would never live this down. At least the other detectives still there looked away when his eyes darted around, glaring at anyone even glancing in their direction.
Unfortunately, Deakins had finished with the one detective and walked back, wanting to know what was in there. So much for avoiding teasing.
And just when Bobby thought things couldn't get any worse, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, walking toward his desk from the elevators.
Carver. Who also clearly wondered what was so funny.
Crap. His embarrassment was almost complete. Only thing missing was Bishop's presence. He covered his face with his hands, wishing he could sink into the floor.
Carver made it to Eames's side just as Deakins did, though he didn't put himself directly between her and Goren. He opened his mouth, as if to ask a question, but stopped, placed his briefcase on Goren's desk, and raised his eyebrows in shock. Deakins simply struggled against laughing, but his whole body was shaking from the effort.
Goren finally couldn't stand it and peaked out through his fingers at Alex. Laughter mostly under control, Alex finally turned the photo so he could see it. "Is this you, Bobby?" Her smile was filled with a mix of amazement and amusement.
He looked, and exhaled loudly. Swallowing, he nodded, dropping his hands to the desk. No point in trying to hide now...
"And when was this taken," Deakins asked, choking from laughter.
"During the last undercover operation I ran in Narcotics. My boss, the other detectives, and I decided that, given the case, my character had to be able to inspire fear with just his appearance."
The man in the photo didn't look too different from Bobby Goren. Well-dressed and definitely authoritative. Except that the character's hair was brown, he had a thinly cut goatee, and his gaze was very hard—the kind that tolerated no excuses at any time.
As opposed to the occasionally hard gaze Goren took with suspects, which occasionally allowed the person on the receiving end a little leeway.
Carver finally smiled in amusement, but restrained his laughter. Being a lawyer had its benefits as far as controlling one's reactions. "This... person doesn't exactly look like someone who would act like a decent human being."
Goren sighed. "If you mean that he looks like he's a first-class asshole, you're right. I had to act like one to pull it off."
Deakins took the photo and read the note attached to the back. "'Goren, I think you know that you scared the shit out of a lot of people with this guy. Even within the department. Good thing you stick to the stubble; makes you a little less scary.' He's right."
Deciding that anything he could say would only increase the teasing, Goren kept quiet.
Alex pulled out the second photo, and her pealing laughter made Deakins and Carver back off before looking at the photo. The latter was the one shaking from restrained laughter this time, and the former let out several shorts laughs before reigning himself in by covering his mouth.
"My god, Bobby..." Alex could barely be understood through the laughter already threatening to burst her sides. Bobby was positive he knew which one that photo showed.
Deakins finally managed to speak. "And I thought my uncle had the stupidest mustache in existence."
Bobby's lips twitched from the confirmation, and a tiny smile appeared as he remembered the evolution of that character. "I knew it was stupid from the beginning, but he had to seem a bit... off... for me to infiltrate that particular organization. I endured enough jokes about from the Narcotics Squad already, thank you very much."
Alex smiled and put the photo behind the first, showing mercy. "Well, I have played some odd people myself. For this one undercover op for Vice, I pretended to be a shrink's daughter."
Bobby's eyebrows raised, momentarily forgetting about the rest of the photos. "Why?" His question was echoed by the other two men's faces.
She shook her hand in dismissal. "Long story, and I'm in no mood to tell it."
Bobby felt cheated; why should he have to bear all the teasing? I swear I'll get that story out of her one day... Maybe a bribe consisting of a margarita and some high-quality chocolate...?
As his mind ran through possibilities, Alex pulled out the next photo. This time she didn't laugh. She just stared.
So did Deakins and Carver. They all looked shocked. Which made Bobby a little concerned. "What?"
Alex finally turned the photo around. "Bobby, this guy, this..." She paused, turning it back to look more carefully at some detail. "This marine looks like he's been to Hell and back. Tell me that those clothes are the primary cause of this-"
He shook his head.
"God, Goren..." Deakins looked dismayed. "How much weight did you put on to create this guy?"
A long, loud silence. Then... "Seventy pounds."
Deakins gave a low whistle, quieter than even Bobby thought could possibly be heard by the human ear. His expression strongly resembled those "bitter beer face" commercials from God-knows-how-long-ago.
"I hope it was worth it, Detective." Carver couldn't think of anything else to say.
"I'll admit losing the weight wasn't fun. In fact, gaining it was almost as bad."
Alex whipped that photo behind the others, muttering, "I hope you never even think about shaving your hair off again. It doesn't suit you. I'd think being in the army would've made doing that undesirable."
Bobby contemplated several responses to that, but Alex's wide-eyed reaction to the next photo brought him back to reality.
"Who's this guy supposed to be, a hic farmer?"
He didn't need a photo to remember that character. "That case led us out to the countryside. Yeah, I played a farmer to get what we needed. A dim-witted farmer."
Carver took the photo, glanced at the post-it note, and slowly smirked. "What was his name?"
"Bill."
The ADA seemed disappointed. "I was half-expecting 'Edgar.'"
Bobby's eyebrows arched in confusion, but Alex and Deakins both caught the meaning; they both smirked. Alex nodded. "Make the skin paler, loosen it around the neck and face, and you'd have a nice Edgar suit."
"Eames, what are you talking about?"
Alex's eyes widened. "You mean you missed the movie 'Men in Black'?"
The blank look she received as an answer said it all.
Deakins shook his head with a smile as Carver handed him the photo. "I can understand my kid not getting it when my wife and I dressed as Ginger Rodgers and Fred Astaire, respectively, one Halloween. But this..."
Grateful for the chance of even a temporary change of subject, and trying to see if he could make it permanent, Bobby commented, "I hope you two had a good time."
Deakins wasn't fooled, but smiled anyway. "We did." Then he grimaced. "Till I banged up my knee." Several seconds silence told Bobby that no further answer was forthcoming.
Which meant that he was still in the hot seat. Damnit.
"Not nearly as big of a disaster as the year my whole family decided to pretend we worked at NASA," Carver volunteered. "Calling it a comedy of errors is putting it mildly."
Alex grabbed the next photo before Bobby could think of a delaying comment. He opened his mouth, but nothing could be heard over the explosion from next to him.
Carver had to place one hand on Goren's desk to help control his shaking as the other kept any sounds from escaping his mouth. Deakins didn't restrain his laughter this time, even clapping his hands together once. Alex, on the other hand, stumbled over to her chair, trying not to fall over as the laughs wouldn't stop coming out of her mouth.
Bobby finally couldn't take any more, and since Alex was in hysterics he reached over and managed to snag the envelope and loose photos out of her hands. Not that she seemed to notice that she didn't have them anymore; once she reached her chair, she folded her arms on her desk to rest her head as the laughs continued.
As he started stuffing the loose photos back inside the envelope—no way was he looking inside at the rest of them; he'd had enough embarrassment to last him for months, and these might just find their way into the first fireplace he could gain use of so no one else could tease him over them—Deakins got himself under enough control to speak. "Was your hair actually that long then?"
That last photo was in Bobby's hand at that instant. He glanced at it, did a double-take, and then clenched his face. "Um... it was." At the three expectant looks he got—Alex managed to pull her head up and get her laughter under control—he decided to capitulate on that score. "It was on the heels of an earlier operation, during which I grew my hair out. Turned out to be convenient that I didn't immediately get a haircut."
"You actually bleached your hair blond," Alex choked out. His silence was enough of an answer for her. "Oh, my god..." She was lost again.
Bobby looked one more time at that photo, trying to see what was so funny. He was in jeans and a dirty-white sleeveless shirt, with a reddish baseball cap on top of blond hair that went almost all the way to the base of his neck. The car door next to him, combined with the dirty hands, declared that his character was a mechanic. Acknowledging to himself that he didn't make a great blond, he stuffed that photo away and put it firmly inside his leather binder. No one was going to touch them now...
Carver slowly composed himself. "I'm sorry, Detective. I simply needed a good laugh after this week, and that should sustain me for a while. I'm glad I chose to come over here on this errand myself instead of sending my assistant."
"Glad to help." Bobby's sarcastic tone could've been detected from the other side of the floor, despite how quiet his voice was. Though he felt that it was a good thing that the assistant didn't get to hear this; at least Carver would know to keep this quiet at the DA's office.
"In any case, here's the paperwork you resquested, Captain," Carver said, pulling out a folder and handing it to Deakins. "Now I need to leave to help my office prepare for a Halloween party. One room is being set up like the inside of a submarine. I volunteered to be the sonar technician."
"And when I get home, I'll need to make sure the doctor's coat my wife got for me actually fits." Deakins nodded at Carver, who took his leave as quietly as he arrived. Bobby resisted sighing in relief; he still potentially faced some more jokes from his boss.
Instead, Deakins commented, "You know, all this thinking of odd connections reminds me of something one of the young officers said. He remarked that he thought of the whole 'Mortal Combat' world whenever Wallace's name came up. He never could figure out why." He glanced at Goren to make sure he didn't seem too disjointed by mentioning her, but Bobby seemed too preoccupied with the teasing of moments before to react beyond an arched eye. The relieved captain walked back into his office, leaving his best detectives to their thoughts.
He didn't see the shadow that started to appear in Bobby's eyes, or the frustration. But Alex did. "Bobby, if you're concerned about whether Nicole ever saw any of those photos—say the mustache—or ever might, I promise you that if I hear her laugh, I'll make sure she can't laugh at anything again."
The deadly calm in her voice told him that she was serious. It was enough to help him relax a bit. "Thanks."
She shrugged, like it was no big deal. "Partners look out for each other."
"Even if they nearly bust a lung laughing at their partner's undercover characters," he said with a pointed look.
Alex gave him an unrepentant smile. "Well, you have to admit: most of those guys you played seem damn funny given what I know about you."
Bobby sighed. "Maybe someday I'll see more of the humor." He actually reached more some of the paperwork that he detested, hoping it would push the past several minutes out of his mind for the remaining work hours.
"Hey." Her voice softened, making him look up without thinking. An apology in her eyes, she offered, "How about I tell you about some of my unusual characters, starting with the time I went to a Halloween party as a death row inmate? We could do it over dinner and margaritas..."
He didn't need to think twice. The worst times with Alex were better than the best times he had alone. "Deal. After work?"
"Done."
Several minutes passed in mutual silence as they filled out paperwork. But Bobby found something on his mind that he had to get out. "You wanna hear something strange?"
"Sure."
She had no idea what he could be thinking of, and she still agreed to hear it. He must have been good at some point to earn her as a partner. "Shortly after we arrested Atwood, I had this weird dream where he was an FBI agent investigating me."
Alex snorted. "Get back to work, Goren." And he did, this time with a smile.