"I Wish I Was"
A Dance for Hutch
Starsky balanced the beer, pizza, and snacks with his hands while banging on Hutch's door with his foot.
"Come on Blondie," he shouted, "Open up, I've run outta hands here!"
"Hang on Starsk, I've run outta hands in here, too! Give me a second," Hutch's muffled answer came back.
Starsky wondered what his partner could be doing. Through the door he could hear muffled cursing and something falling to the ground. Knowing his clumsy partner, Starsky had visions of long legs and blond hair sprawled all over the furniture.
"I mean," Starsky thought, "the goof did almost walk through a plate glass door a couple of weeks ago," laughing at the memory.
"Huuutch, open the door, this stuff ain't gettin' any lighter!" Starsky yelled in frustration.
"All right, I'm coming, hold your horses," Hutch said.
Starsky could hear the lock turning and Hutch opened the door. "It ain't the horses I'm holdin' Blintz, it's dinner and it's heavy. Here, take the beer," Starsky said as he shoved the six pack into the blond's hands.
"Well, if you wouldn't get a pizza with all the works, it wouldn't be so heavy," Hutch said, trailing Starsky into the kitchen, putting the beer in the fridge.
"Yeah, well, a pizza without all the works is…" Starsky started to say, opening the box.
"…a pizza that's good for you." Hutch finished looking over Starsky's shoulder at the food.
Looking back over his shoulder, Starsky replied by making a face at Hutch, which was promptly ignored.
"Whatever," Starsky said, shrugging his shoulder and grabbing a plate. "I'm starved and ready to eat. You don't like it, go find some wheat germ or somethin'. Be more pizza for me!"
"Hold on Starsky, I need your help first, then we can eat," Hutch said, closing the pizza box and ignoring the pained look on his partner's face.
"Aww Starsk, don't worry, we'll be done before you die of starvation," Hutch said, patting Starsky's tummy as he headed back into the den.
"Well, at least let me have a snack, ok?" Starsky asked grabbing the chips and following Hutch.
Starsky plopped down on the couch intent on propping his feet on the table, but it was full of cables and gadgets. Looking around, Starsky saw Hutch's TV pulled out from the wall and a strange looking machine attached to it.
"Hutch, what is that?" he asked warily, popping chips into his mouth. "Looks like something from Star Trek."
"It's a VCR," Hutch answered, looking at the machine in confusion. "You know, one of those machines that plays tapes of stuff that's been recorded?"
"Oh yeah, I heard some of the guys talking about it. Heard 'em say that one day we can record shows straight off the television, and play'em any time ya want." Starsky said in awe. "Just think Hutch, that we means can watch scary movies all day long. Great idea!"
Thinking for another second, Starsky asked, "Hutch, how did you get one a these? Aren't they kinna expensive?"
"Well, I 'borrowed' it from supply, told Bigelow I needed it for a case." Hutch said with a guilty smile. "Which is almost the truth," he added under his breath.
"Only problem is that I can't make the damn thing work! Biggey told me how to hook it up, but it's not working. The video going in is not going out, all I am getting is snow!" he said throwing cables on the floor.
"Hey, s'all right Hutch, we'll figure it out. Lemme take a look. You go get a beer or somethin'," Starsky said as he crouched behind the TV, looking at the mass of cables and cords.
A few minutes later, Hutch heard Starsky's shout of victory and the TV came to life, no snow in sight.
"How did you do that, Starsk?" Hutch asked coming back with a beer in his hand.
"Just looked at it like a car that needed a new set of plugs," he said heading to the pizza box. "Once I figured which way the plugs went – it was easy."
"Now," Starsky said, plopping back down on the couch with pizza and beer, putting his socked feet on the table, "What are we gonna watch? A monster movie? A gangster movie? What?"
Hutch stood, staring at Starsky's feet, sending his worrisome partner a silent request to remove those feet, which the worrisome partner ignored with an innocent smile. In defeat, Hutch threw up his hands heading for a package by the TV.
"We're going to watch this, Starsky. A bit of culture all the way from Russia. Anna danced to Swan Lake a few weeks ago. She asked that a tape be made and sent to us. A way of saying thanks for protecting her." Hutch said, a wistful look on his face.
Right away, Starsky went into Hutch Protection Mode, remembering the time after Anna had left. He and Hutch had worked hard to make sure that Miller, Steinmetz, and the group they were with went to prison for a very long time. Only Starsky knew how upset Hutch was when Anna left. He even stayed at Hutch's place a couple of nights, knowing it would take him time to get over her It was during those restless nights that Starsky would hear Hutch call for Anna, uttering Tashika again and again. Starsky was worried that watching Anna dance would bring back those haunting memories.
Hutch put the tape in the machine and felt the worry coming from his friend. That invisible connection they had, always keeping them in tune with one another. "Starsky," Hutch said quietly, his back still turned toward his partner. "I'm OK, please don't worry."
"Okay, Hutch", his sock-footed partner answered quietly, not totally convinced.
Sitting on the couch, Hutch picked up the remote aiming it to the TV. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Starsky eyeing the remote in amazement. Hutch made a mental note to hide the gadget from his mischievous partner, who was eyeing it like a kid wanting a new toy.
Suddenly, music filled the room, and Anna was on the screen dancing to Swan Lake. Both men marveled at the beauty of her movements, her jumps, landing gently and twirling into another pattern of pliés, pirouettes, and grand jetés.
Too soon the dance came to an end, the strains of the music fading as Anna took her bows. She was acknowledging the applause of the audience, but her smile was for Hutch alone and he felt her love.
Hutch hit the pause button. There was another dance, but he wasn't ready to watch just yet. His emotions on seeing Anna were stronger than he thought. Trying to hold them in check, Hutch strode to the patio, his place of refuge and peace.
Starsky sat on the couch a minute longer, giving his friend a chance to compose his thoughts and feelings. He knew Hutch needed to deal with this on his own…but not too long on his own.
When he went outside, Starsky found Hutch staring up at the sky, like he was trying to see Anna in the stars, make her face visible to his. He walked up to his friend placing a comforting hand on Hutch's shoulder; waiting for him to make the first move, speak the first word.
"You know Starsky, we never made love." Hutch said quietly, wistfully.
A little surprised, Starsky moved so he could look at Hutch. He remembered the state that Hutch was in that morning at the hotel: disheveled, clothes not quite in place, his gun not where he could reach it in an emergency.
Still looking across the heavens, Hutch continued, "I wanted to love her Starsky, to love all of her, to love her all the way. And, she wanted the same. But, we knew the consequences, what could happen, how it could affect her career, her life. So, we loved by holding and talking to each other."
"What did you talk about?" Starsky asked even quieter.
Hutch smiled slightly, "We talked about tea, friends, trust, our homes, our families. If we had children what they would look like, a snowbank and a sunrise. We laughed, shared stories, compared handstands, and," with a devilish grin at Starsky, "even arm wrestled."
Starsky looked at Hutch with a hint of embarrassment. Hutch laughed more and cuffed Starsky on his arm, "Don't be so ashamed partner, she beat me too…the second or third time around." Turning, he walked toward the bench.
"We also talked about secrets," he said sitting down, motioning for Starsky to join him.
"What kind of secrets?" Starsky asked as he sat down.
"Secrets between friends, that only friends know."
Looking at Starsky, Hutch saw that he understood. The two of them had many secrets from the world, but not from each other.
"Did you love her, Hutch?" Starsky asked ever so quietly.
Hutch glanced back to the heavens, once more looking for Anna.
"Yeah Starsk, I loved her, I loved her a lot. But," Hutch said, "It had to be a secret love. Our lives, our worlds, our everything is so different. It couldn't have worked and we both knew that."
The two sat together a few minutes longer, sharing the peaceful silence of friendship and comfort.
Then, Starsky's stomach rumbled, and Hutch laughed, both at the rumbling and the embarrassed look on his friend's face. "Come on Gordo, let's finish that pizza. I'm hungry too. And, there's another dance from Anna to enjoy."
Minutes later, they were settled on the couch and Hutch hit the play button. There was Anna once more. But Hutch could tell she was in a different place than the theatre. It looked like a practice hall. Anna was staring into the camera, straight at Hutch and into his heart.
"Hootch, my love" she said. "This is just for you, Misha is helping to record this. No one else can know about it. This is my dance for you."
And, the strains of a song so familiar to Hutch and the singing voice so familiar to Starsky began, along with a dance of love.
Gracefully standing her arms in a circle above her head, Anna became the sun reaching out in space. She hugged herself, as if she were a chilly morn, and then she held her face as if to give it warmth.
Anna crouched a little, her arms bent at the elbows, fingers splayed open, her hands weaving in the air toward each other, as a spider would with a web to weave. Then, she clasped her hands together tightly, like she was clutching a fly that could never leave.
Standing tall, swaying to the music, Anna put her arms out straight, hands dangling down, with a sweet, scary look on her face, like a scarecrow with a scare or two. Then, she took her arms and created a circle in front of her, like she was holding a stalk of corn, her protecting it.
And, then with a loving look on her face, Anna crossed her arms in front of her, rocking them back and forth, like she was a pillow soft and gentle. She laid her head in her arms, as if the pillow were holding a weary head. She looked at Hutch with such caring, alone, just him and her.
The music ended. Anna once more looking straight into the camera, blew a kiss, and Hutch felt the whisper of it touch his face. "I love you my Tashika, always, I love you," she said. And the screen froze on her face.
Hutch's eyes filled with tears as the dance ended, astounded at the gift Anna had just given him, one he would treasure forever.
"Hutch," Starsky called softly, "What does 'Tashika' mean?
"It means friend, Starsk, a special friend, someone you care for and trust more than anything." Hutch said, looking at Starsky, sharing the word with him.
"I'm sorry Hutch, sorry you can't be with Anna, sorry you can't love her, sorry that you can't be together," Starsky said rubbing Hutch's back, offering him comfort.
"Me too Starsky, me too." Hutch said softly, thinking of Anna, so many, many miles away. In his thoughts they were walking hand in hand, with too much of this world keeping them apart.
"Hey blondie," Starsky said, trying to bring Hutch back home. "Let's unplug the space machine from your TV and find us a movie to watch."
Hutch smiled, only Starsky could make him feel better at a time like this.
"OK, Starsk, let's see what we can find."
Hours later, after pizza, beer, and Godzilla, Starsky was snoring softly, his head resting on Hutch's shoulder. Hutch stood and stretched his friend out, laying a blanket over him. He watched Starsky sleep, and realized again just how lucky he was to have this man in his life.
"Goodnight, Tashika. Goodnight my friend."
I Wish I Was
David Soul
I wish, I was the sunlight
Gently reaching out in space
And I wish you were the chilly morn'
So I could warm your face
And I wish, I was a spider
'Cause I've got a web to weave
And I wish you were a captured fly
So that you'd never leave
But I'm just a man
And you are just a girl
Though we walk hand in hand
With too much of this world
Oh and I wish, I was a scarecrow
'Cause I've got a scare or two
And I wish you were a stock of corn
With me protecting you
And I wish, I was a pillow
'Cause I've got some softness too
And I wish you were a weary head
Alone just me and you.
Songwriter: David R Soul