Congratulations, it's 2009, and we're ready for some new material! Well, at least I need something new to write. Thank god I just picked up this series. This is an apology for not writing a Christmas fic. I promise to write one next - wait, THIS year. Haha, I nearly tripped myself there.
Oneshot, Tony-centric, post-Kill Ari. AU. Rated for strong language.
Disclaimer: Just borrowing a few characters from NCIS. Nothing big. I promise to return them in working order. Don't sue for any minor damage, I'm pretty sure that my insurance does cover it.
Please read responsibly.
It wasn't easy the past several months. Looking back on it, Tony couldn't even believe to imagine everything that had happened recently, with the plague, the car bomb, Ari, Kate…
Kate. He sighed. If only.
Fingering his new suit and fidgeting nervously with his tie, he slipped on his new Gucci shoes. In fact, all his apparel was new; he spent $550 on his shoes alone. He told himself it was all for Kate.
He did a lot of things for Kate. He'd pushed himself harder on the treadmill, stayed longer hours reviewing cases, scouring crime scenes over and over, the whole time telling himself it was for his late team member. He kept up the typical DiNozzo façade, trying not to worry his fellow co-workers and friends.
All for Kate.
He didn't know how to feel. Should he be angry with her? Angry for what? he mentally reprimanded to himself. Because she died and it's your entire fucking fault? Great job, DiNozzo. Just great. He scrubbed his tired face with his hands before standing up and stretching, his spine popping from the strain.
What an idiot.
He reluctantly dragged his feet to the door and drove to work, making sure the radio dial was turned off.
For Kate.
He'd dropped off the evidence – a set of car keys, hair clips, and some blood samples – on the large steel table in the forensics lab. He was waiting for Abby to appear, as she had not yet arrived (he'd come to work extra early), and spotted Bert sitting, quite forlornly, on a cabinet by the door.
With meticulous and precise steps, he made his way towards the stuffed toy hippo Abby adored so much, and fingered the soft gray material, smiling sadly. He remembered when he'd hid it under Kate's old battered jacket, playing it innocent when she marched around the bullpen looking for the culprit that tricked her to sit on it an elicit a flatulent sound.
Hearing the heavy clomping of boots, he gently set Bert back onto the wooden shelf, before turning to the forensic scientist, immediately rattling off instructions to the Goth.
"…and Gibbs wants to know if you can pull any prints off of the –"
"Tony, are you okay?"
Dull green eyes widening in surprise at the sudden interruption, he raised an eyebrow before replying, "Sure… Do you want me to get you a Caf-Pow? You don't look too hot yourself."
"No…it's just that you don't usually call Gibbs…Gibbs. Y'know, like, Boss?"
Tony turned away, more interested in the plastic bags that rested contently on the table. But Abby wasn't done with him yet.
"Not only that, but you haven't made a single movie reference since Monday. Monday, Tony! That's three days without a movie reference! You know how upset and worried you're making me because of that?"
"People change, Abs –"
"No, Tony. I mean, I know that people do change, but this isn't it. You've come in to the office early this past week, and yet you were always late in the past. You hardly tease McGee – even though you shouldn't either way – and you've never had an argument with Ziva. You don't say hi to Ducky or listen to his stories –"
"No one listens to his stories anyway," Tony mumbled under his breath.
Unrelenting, Abby continued her excessive monologue, "You don't even hug me anymore! Everyone else still hugs me, so why can't you? What's different? It's like…like you can't even bear the prospect of having to stand in the same room with anything that reminds you of Kate! We all know she's gone now, so let her go!"
Once the words flew out of her mouth, Abby immediately wished that she could grab them all and shove them back into her mouth. Even though he hid it well, she could see the pain reflected in his tired and resigned eyes.
But she wouldn't stand down. What was done was done; there was no turning back. It was for Tony. He needed to be strong and get over Kate's death and enjoy life.
She watched as Tony left her lab, suddenly feeling something settling in her gut.
Tony stood silently on the raised platform, looking over Kate's empty desk. Ziva had left it to interrogate a suspect on their current case. His mouth was creased into a frown. His coat and tie hung limply from the back of his chair. He noticed the phone on his desk rang, but didn't move.
For Kate.
A sharp smack to the back of his head drew him out of his reverie. He rubbed the back of his head and half-heartedly threw a glare at Gibbs.
"Grab your cell, DiNozzo. We're going out. Don't forget your keys – you're driving."
They sat in the Mustang for a while, sitting in an awkward silence. Gibbs sipped his coffee, blue eyes staring straight ahead. Tony sat with his head bowed, hands folded in his lap.
For Kate.
He almost cried. He felt like when he had on the drive to his mother's funeral, how he said not a word, hands firmly tucked in, head down. It was cold in the limousine, and he shivered the whole time, even during the funeral in under the sun, barely protected by the old willows. Death had a way to twist peoples' perspectives.
He was startled when Gibbs finally barked.
"DiNozzo!"
He tentatively peeked up at the older man.
Gibbs scowled at his cowering Senior Field Agent. "Look here, DiNozzo, and I'm only saying this once, so you better pay attention for whenever next time comes around the corner. And believe me, it's going to come around whether you like it or not.
"You need to get a grip here, kid. It's already been a few months, but I'm not saying that things go away that quickly. In fact, it's probably never going to go away. But you need to know that it's always better to get it over with from the start, or it's going to just continue gnawing away at you until you go insane. And believe me, you don't want that to happen. It's easier for the rest of us."
"Maybe I just need some more time."
"Time doesn't change anything, DiNozzo. Actions do."
With that, Gibbs slapped the back of the younger man's head.
"Now, shut up and drive."
Tony picked up a small bouquet of flowers on his way home, a colorful display of delicate petals and leaves.
He drove home, careful not to disturb the flowers that bounced in shotgun, and slowly pulled up onto the curb. He exiting the car, he barely glanced up at the looming apartment building before stepping inside.
Inside his room, he dug around in a large box of photo albums, jewelry, and letters, before triumphantly pulling out a single handmade card. He reached his hand in and rummaged again, before pulling out a case. He closed the box and headed back outside to his car.
He drove for a little more than half an hour, and immediately stopped at his destination. He looked out, released a nervous breath, and exited the car, reaching up to loosen his tie. When his fingers clawed at his open collar, her frowned and looked down.
Damn. He'd left it on the chair with his coat.
Muttering under his breath about the "stupidity he'd inherited from his father," he tread with measured steps down a long winding path, past the large, ominous gates, and past several grave markers. He eventually stopped before a large monument, complete with a cherub holding a cross.
Caitlin Rebbecca Todd
August 5, 1975 – May 24, 2005
Sister, Daughter, and a Friend to All
She Will Be Missed
Tony wiped some of the caked mud that encased the edges of the stone, crouching down. He heard a rustle, and looked up. Through the low-hanging willows, the sun shone madly. He squinted past the harsh light where two figures stood at the top of the hill. He offered a small smile before looking back down at the grave.
He sat down, holding the flowers in one hand, the case and card in the other. Gently setting the flowers down in front of the grave, he sat and watched the gentle breeze blow through the neatly trimmed grass.
He drew in a shaky breath before starting. "Kate… I know I should've came before… I'm sorry. I was just so upset at the funeral, I didn't think…" He trailed off and sniffed. "Well, I brought you your favorites. Forget-me-nots, daisies, and chrysanthemums. You better like them, 'cause they were an absolute pain to find."
He laughed a sad laugh before continuing.
"I brought you some other gifts too. This card," he drew out the said paper, "I made it originally for my mom, but we moved before I had a chance to...to give it to her." A tear slid down his cheek, but still he smiled. I wanted you to have it. She would've liked you so much…"
He gently eased it under the flowers, before prizing open the case.
"Remember that time on the shooting range with Gibbs? How he taped my hat and your PDA to the target and told us not to hit it?" Another choked laugh. "Well, I took mine back from Ziva and decided to give it to you. I would've gotten you your PDA, but it was so long ago and they already took out the trash…"
He stopped himself, as the tears that were now continuously running down his cheeks were softly dripping down onto the grass. He angrily swiped at them, but the wetness frustrated him even more, and it took him a few minutes to finally calm down again.
Glancing up once again past the willows to the sun, he sighed and whispered, "It's never like this in the movies. In the movies it's supposed to be raining, and everyone's crying or on the verge of tears, hugging each other."
He barely suppressed the sob that rose from his throat. "It's like when my mom died. Sitting under the willow tree, the sun was too bright… And that damned card. I wish…I wish I could see the both of you again…"
He hung the NCIS hat – riddled with two 9mm holes – on top of the cherub, before immediately taking it off again. "Maybe I shouldn't… I'll just leave it here with your card." He set it next to the flowers.
Tony suddenly grinned, and unhooked the golden chain that hung from his neck. He fingered the small cross that adorned it, before putting it back on. "Well, thanks for the necklace, Kate. Hope you don't mind. I'll…I promise to give it back when I'm ready."
He brought a shaky hand to his lips and kissed the tips of his fingers before lovingly brushing her name with it.
"Bye, Kate… I'll come back, I promise."
He stiffly stood and nodded to the pair on the hill. They slowly made their way over, stopping in front of Kate's grave.
Gibbs set a weathered hand upon his shoulder, and Abby fiercely hugged his scrawny frame. They then silently made their way past the gravestones, past the looming gates, and down the winding pathway. Only when they were about to leave in their respective cars did Abby ask, "Hey Tony… What was on the card?"
Giving Abby another one of his sad smiles, he whispered into the wind, so scarce could the other pair hear, "A last farewell…"
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