Project H and the Philosopher's Stone
By Panicattack
*A dark street*
Dumbledore: Well there's no better way to celebrate the death of the Dark Lord than to do so in complete darkness *flicks switch*
Street light: *Goes out*
McGonagall: Albus! I've been looking everywhere for you!
Dumbledore: Now I know exactly what you're going to say, and yes I am looking for a good time, but I only have $200 on me
McGonagall: No Albus, it's me Minerva
Dumbledore: Minerva? In that case I wouldn't pay a cent over $150
McGonagall: Albus, I'm here about the child Harry Potter
Dumbledore: Child? I've got a kid? Damn it! Who's the mother? It's not you, is it?
McGonagall: No, the child isn't yours. Harry Potter has defeated You-Know-Who
Dumbledore: Voldemort has been defeated? That bastard! He was supposed to help me move into me new house next week. I knew he'd find a way out of it
McGonagall: Do you have Harry with you?
Dumbledore: Is this Harry? *Holds up put-outer*
McGonagall: No
Dumbledore: Then no, I don't have Harry
McGonagall: Well then, where is he?
Dumbledore: Well I've done a lot of crazy crap in the last 24 hours, so I'll be buggered if I can remember. But luckily whenever there's something important I have to remember I write it on the bottom of my shoe *starts hopping up and down trying to read off the bottom of his shoe* It says:…Harry…is…with…Hagar. Hagar? Hagar the Horrible? The cartoon Viking? He'll eat Harry alive!
McGonagall: Are you sure it doesn't say 'Hagrid'?
Dumbledore: Do we know someone called Hagrid?
McGonagall: Yes. He's a half-giant who likes dangerous creatures
Dumbledore: And he's better than Hagar the Horrible, why?
Hagrid: *Arrives with Harry on a flying motorcycle*
Dumbledore: OK the half-giant bit is dangerous enough, but a flying motorbike? Do we even care about this kid's wellbeing?
Hagrid: We hit a bit of turbulence of the way here, so I had to throw Harry overboard to lighten the load. Nah, just screwing with you. He's fine, though I might have sat on him a bit on the way over
Dumbledore: Hehehe, this kid has a screwed up forehead. Hey Minerva, get a load of this! This kid has a hole in his head
Minerva: Hurry Dumbledore, we have to leave Harry on the doorstep of his wizard-hating, muggle aunt and uncle
Dumbledore: I don't know where I was when we decided on this, but this plan totally sucks
Hagrid: *Starts crying*
Dumbledore: What the hell is your problem? What are you doing? How can you be sad? You've known him for like 20 minutes. And it's not like you've had conversations with him. He's just been lying there sleeping. What's your problem? In a couple of years you're gonna be seeing him every day. How the hell can you be upset? Get over yourself, you big stupid freak!
McGonagall: Albus! Can we get this over with, "Dude, where's my car" starts at 10:00
Dumbledore: OK, I've just got to give him something before we leave him. *Takes out envelope* It's a "Where's Waldo" book, that should keep him entertained for a while. I've circled Waldo on every page, but I guess he could search for Wizard Whitebeard or something
McGonagall: Now that you mention it, whatever happened to our good friend Wizard Whitebeard?
Dumbledore: He's Witch Whitebeard now. *Puts Harry on doorstep* Well, this kid is gonna have a hell of a childhood. Seems like pretty crappy payback for saving us from the most powerful evil wizard of all time
McGonagall: Yeah, but what are you gonna do
*All walk off*
***
*At the Dursley's, 10 years later*
Vernon: Hey Harry, I've got a riddle for you. What's painful, miserable and not about to be turned upside-down by a mysterious letter that will open up new hope and excitement? Give up? Your life! Hahahaha! Seriously though, get the mail
Harry: OK, let's see what we've got. *Sorts through mail* Woah, a letter for me, I'll read it right now:
Dear Harry Potter,
Sorry, I kinda ran over your cat
Yours sincerely,
Alfred Wench from down the street
Harry: Super
*Next day*
Vernon:…..Your life! Hahahaha! Seriously though, get the mail
Harry: Another letter for me? Freaky. Think I'll read it at the table this time
Dudley: Hey Dad, Harry's got a letter
Vernon: 'Hey Dad'? That's not a bad name for a TV show…
Dudley: *Grabs letter* Look Daddy, look!
Vernon: Shush, I'm working out the plot of this new TV show. It'll focus around this dude named Mr Kelly, and then there'll be this fat kid who likes hanging around him…
Dudley: DAD!
Vernon: What? This better be about production funds
Dudley: Harry got a letter!
Vernon: Was it a T? When I play Wheel of Fortune I always go with T first
Dudley: What the hell? He got a letter in the mail
Vernon: Oh right. Sorry, I can't stop thinking about TV shows at the moment *looks at letter* ….uh oh….ANTHRAX! Better burn it *throws letter in fire*
*Next day*
Harry: Cool, another letter
Vernon *Burns letter*
Harry: Hmm…
*Next several days*
Harry: Cool, heaps more letters
Vernon: *Burns letters*
Harry: Hmm…
*Sunday*
Vernon: Hey Dudley, I've got a riddle for you. Why is Sunday the most awesomest day ever?
Dudley: Church?
Vernon: Close
Harry: No post?
Vernon: Closer
Everyone:…
Vernon: NO POST!
Harry: But I just…
Letter: *Comes flying in*
Several hundred other letters: *Come flying in*
Vernon: Hmm, I don't think the Anthrax story will hold up now. Time for another of our random house evacuations to houses out in the middle of the sea
Harry: I love these!
***
*House in the middle of the sea*
Harry: It's my tenth birthday and I'm on the floor blowing out a cake made of dust. Does this rule or what?!
*Door breaks down*
Hagrid: Sup guys?
Harry: Santa?
Hagrid: Close, I'm a half-giant with a pink umbrella
Harry: Yeah, that sounds like Santa
Hagrid: Anyway, I'm here to rescue you from your aunt and uncle and take you to a world of magic.
Harry: Gee, are you sure you're not Santa?
Hagrid: Pretty sure. I think Santa runs a B&B in Dublin now
Harry: Nice. So, we gonna go now or what?
Hagrid: Not yet, I brought you some cake
Vernon: Hold up. I'm not gonna let you take away the nephew I despise and would love to get rid of
Hagrid: Makes sense
Vernon: We were planning on sending him off to Acrobat School. It doesn't start until he's fourteen but the waiting lists are horrible. You have to apply 3 years in advance, can you believe that?
Hagrid: Shocking. You'd think with the world-wide acrobat shortage they'd try to make the system more efficient
Vernon: Some world we live in, eh? Some world
Hagrid: Yeah….so can I take him or what?
Vernon: Nah, that ain't gonna happen
Hagrid: Any chance of you reconsidering?
Vernon: Sure whatever, just leave the cake
***
*Streets of London*
Harry: Alrighty, I need a cauldron, spell books, wand, the usual jib-jab
Hagrid: Sweet. First thing's first, we gotta go to the pub
*The Leaky Cauldron*
Hagrid: Sup Tom?
Tom: What's going down, H-dog?
Hagrid: Oh this and that. No time for a drink though, I've gotta take Harry to get some school supplies
Tom: Bless my soul, it's Harry Connick, Jr.
Hagrid: No, Harry Potter
Tom: Oh, screw that. Go on through
***
*Ollivander's wand store*
Ollivander: Hi there
Harry: Hello old man
Ollivander: How 'bout a wand?
Harry: Sure, why not?
Ollivander: Because they're dangerous
Harry: ………not really sure how to answer that
Ollivander: Here, try this one
Harry: Made in Britain? No thank you
Ollivander: This one?
Harry: *Reading label* Best before 1504?
Ollivander: Vintage model. OK, you seem like a guy of refined taste, what about this?
Harry: A packet of Fisherman's Friend?
Ollivander: Sorry, I've got a sponsorship with them and have to advertise them at least twice an hour
Harry: I can relate. I was sponsored by an erectile dysfunction treatment all throughout primary school. I thought it would be a disaster but the principal was quite interested in what I had to say
Ollivander: Nice. Anyway, I'm done messing with you. Here's you wand *hands Harry wand*. Ya'll come back now!
***
*Diagon Alley*
Hagrid: Guess what, Harry?
Harry: What?
Harry: Go on, guess
Harry: Just show me what's in the bag, you stupid over-weight oaf THERE I SAID IT! We've all been thinking it, but no one had the guts to tell you, but there you go. It's out for the world to hear
Hagrid: I got you an owl *lifts up cage*
Harry: ………it's dead
Hagrid: ………excuse me a minute *goes back into store*. Hello, I'd like to make a complaint about this owl
Shopkeeper: What's wrong with it?
Hagrid: It's dead
Shopkeeper: No it isn't
Hagrid: It is
Shopkeeper: *Nudges cage* There, it moved
Hagrid: You just nudged the cage!
Shopkeeper: Did not
***
*Train station*
Hagrid: Alright Harry, you've got everything, ready to go?
Harry: Sure am
Hagrid: Common sense would advise me to see you off to the bizarre wizard station, BUT FREAK THAT! I do things my way. There are three ways to do things in life; the right way, the wrong way, and the Hagrid way. I'm gonna go get me some ribs *disappears*
Harry: *Makes way through station* Aww, this sucks
Weasleys: *Hustle, bustle………..castle*
Harry: Uh, could I have a hand here?
Mrs Weasley: Yes of course. Ron's a complete idiot and needs help with it too. Just run straight at the wall
Harry: Seems pretty feeble for a wizard world
Mrs Weasley: Just run though the damn wall, Einstein
Harry: *Runs through damn wall, Einstein* Nice
Ron: *Runs through damn wall, Einstein and hits Harry*
Harry: Son of a b-
Ron: Sorry about that. Oh, did I cut you off mid sentence? Please finish
Harry: Son of a Birmingham couple named Ted Irving has gone missing in the county area. He is 166cm tall, medium build with light brown hair. If you have any information, any at all, please contact the police
Ron:…what?
***
*On the train*
Ron: I'm Ron by the way, Ron Weasley.
Harry: Did you say Ron Howard?!
Ron: No. Is it true you have a scar?
Harry: Is it true you suck? Damn, I am on fire right now. Surely I can get a hi-five
*Hermione walks in*
Harry: A girl?
Ron: I've read about those, when they turn red it means you've forgotten something
Hermione: Has anyone seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one
Ron: Wait, wait, wait. The boy's name is Neville's Lost One?
Hermione: No, a boy named Neville has lost a toad
Ron: Neville has lost a toad?
Hermione: Yes
Ron: That's his name?
Hermione: No, his name is Neville
Ron: OK, what about him?
Hermione: He's lost a toad
Ron: A boy named Neville Has Lost A Toad?
Hermione: Yes
Ron: I thought you said his name was just Neville
Hermione: It is
Ron: But I just asked if it was Neville Has Lost A Toad and you said 'yes'
Hermione: I meant 'yes, he has lost a toad'
Ron: …….what?
***
*Sorting ceremony*
McGonagall: OK, you will now be sorted into one of four houses in front of the entire school in what can only be described as 'really embarrassing'. This will be followed, no doubt, by a serious of hazing rituals by your fellow students that will more than likely kill you. Sound fun? Good. But first, a song by the sorting hat, accompanied by Jay-Z
Sorting hat: Yo, yo, yo. Anyone here from…..East London!
Crowd: *Cheers*
Sorting Hat: Alright, let's make some noise!
McGonagall: Actually, we'd better not. The neighbours complained last time.
Sorting Hat: Fair enough. But remember kids, if you keep your feet firmly planted on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants *rimshot*
McGonagall: Yes, thank you sorting hat. The hat also asked me to remind you all that he is available for bookings for all sorts of functions whether it be weddings, birthdays, hen's nights etc. He's also not afraid to work "blue". Now, we're short on time so we're just gonna sort you like this; good guys in Gryffindor, bad guys in Slytherin, everyone who sucks goes in the other houses? Got it? Good. Oh, but Neville, even though you suck you're going in Gryffindor. It'll make sense in about 5 years though, don't worry about it
***
*Potions class*
Snape: My name is Professor Snape; I'm mysterious, I dress in black, and I speak in one tone. Quick impersonation for you: Clean-shaven Goth Jesus
Harry: *Writing* Clean…..Shaven…….Goth……Jesus
Snape: Taking notes? 10 points from Gryffindor. Crooked tie? 10 points from Gryffindor. I read on your Myspace page that you like the Foo Fighters. They suck, 10 points from Gryffindor
Harry: Woah, where did all that come from?
Snape: I've been saving that up for like 30 years, your dad was a jerk. I also have material about his 'Vanilla Ice' record collection and parachute pants, but I guess that doesn't apply to you
***
*First Flying Lesson*
Madam Hooch: Welcome to your first flying lesson. First, a joke- How is a broom like a man? It works best when you grip it hard between your legs! OH HI-FIVE!
Class of mostly 11-year-olds:…..
Hooch: Ah, wrong sort of crowd. I do the late night shift at "Hogsmeade Comedy". That's OK though, I can work to a younger crowd. Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
Class: Can we, like, start flying now?
Hooch: Because he wanted to see Pooh! Ahahaha, never gets old. OK, we can fly now
Neville: *Flies, dies…..pies, fries, skies, size, tries, guys*
Draco: *Picks up remembrall* Maybe if the fat lump had given this a squeeze, he would have remembered to fall on his fat arse!
Harry: Give it here Malf----oh, wait, I get it. Ahahaha!
Draco: *Flies into air* Come get it
Harry: Hey, what? I thought we were cool now
Draco: *Throws ball towards ground*
Harry: *Catches ball*
McGonagall: He caught a ball! Woah, that just screams child prodigy
Harry: I'm not being expelled?
McGonagall: No no, we don't expel sports stars. Just like how celebrities can't get arrested. Hey Wood, we've found you a seeker
Harry: Seeker? Oh wow, I love The Seekers. Do they need a new band member?
Wood: Eh, are you sure about….?
McGonagall: Trust me, he's good
***
*On the stairwells*
Hermione:…father was a quidditch player, favourite colour yellow, allergic to talcum powder…
Ron: It's weird, she's knows more about you than you do
Hermione:…owns 12 pairs of socks, size 9 shoe, 3-inch peni-
Harry: HEY! WOAH! Let's keep some things between ourselves
Ron: Think fast, gang. Seems the stairs have a mind of their own
Hermione: Oh no, this is the third floor!
Harry: A lesser group of 11-year-olds would go back, but not us
Fluffy: ROAR!
Harry: You know there's something to be said for that lesser group
***
*Quidditch training*
Wood: Well this is certainly a perfect scenario. Here we are a few weeks out from our first game and I have to teach the rules to our new player who's never seen a quidditch game in his life. Splendid. You don't even know any of the key lingo. I mean, if I were to fly up there and splunk my fangle before wickering an opponents doogle, you'd have no idea what I was doing. If I began to wonker the centre before making a thug to the phuss you wouldn't understand it a bit. If I were to take off my belt, tie you do a stake and whip you raw, you wouldn't know what to make of it
Harry: Yeah. Wait….what was the last one?
Wood: Nothing. Now, there are four balls…
Harry: Stop! I don't want to hear any more about being whipped raw!
Wood: No, four balls in quidditch
Harry: I've heard of hazing in schools! You can't fool me! *Runs*
***
*Charms class*
Flitwick: I'm tiny, I have a long beard, could I be more wizard?
Hermione: I'm pretentious, I'm talented, could I be more brilliant?
Ron: I'm frowning, I'm putting my head in my arms, could I be more grumpy?
Seamus: I'm Irish, I blow stuff up, could I be better comedic value?
***
*Grounds*
Ron: She's a nightmare, honestly….I think I'll marry her in a few years
Hermione: *Runs past crying….as in she was crying when she ran past, she didn't run past a guy named 'Crying'*
Harry: I think she heard you
Ron: I think you suck! BAM!
***
*Great Hall*
Quirrel: Troll in the dungeon! Catcher in the Rye! Cat's in the cradle! Brown girl in the ring! Born in the USA! Dancing on the ceiling!
Crowd: *Screams*
Dumbledore: Everyone, return to your dormitories! Teachers follow me to the dungeon! Draco, stop dancing on the ceiling!
Harry: Ron, Hermione doesn't know about the troll
Ron: Big deal
Harry: True, but this is your best chance to get inside the girl's bathrooms
Ron: You're right! Let's go! I'll probably never get the same chance again. It's not like we're, for example, gonna spend next year going in and out of a girl's bathroom to brew a potion that will turn us into Crabbe and Goyle
Harry: Of course not, how ridiculous
***
*Girl's bathroom, it's like a boy's bathroom but without genitals drawn all over the walls*
Hermione: *Crying* Oh, I've wasted half my life
Troll: Groar!
Hermione:…..you know, in all honesty I wasn't expecting to walk out of the toilet and see a troll. I really wasn't
Ron: I'll save you Hermione. The only way I now how, by throwing wood
Harry: I'll save you an equally useless way, by grabbing his club
Draco: I'll save you in an even less effective way, by dancing on the ceiling
Club: *Hits Troll on head*
Ron: Awesome, I did something useful. Going by the Ron Weasley average, I won't do another awesome thing for at least 4 years and even then it will be underwhelming
McGonagall: Endangering your own life, Miss Granger? Well I guess that's no biggie, no one really likes you. Minus 5 points. Saving the entire school, Potter and Weasley? No biggie, most of the kids here are pretty ugly. 10 points for Gryffindor
***
*Quidditch*
Quidditch players: *Quidditching*
Harry: *Being careful not to be whipped raw*
Flint: *Kinda hoping to be whipped raw, he's a lonely guy*
Harry: *Almost gets thrown off broom by teacher*
Flint: *Kinda hoping to get thrown off broom by teacher, he's desperate for any form of attention*
Harry: *Catches ball in mouth*
Flint: *Kinda hoping to….no, I won't go there*
***
*Corridor*
Harry: Snape's going to get past the big dog, case closed
Hermione: Agreed, lets ask Hagrid what he knows
*Hagrid's*
Harry: Hagrid, what do you know?
Hagrid: No, I only tell things to people who get me drunk
*3 hours later, at a bar*
Hagrid: And I said to Dumbledore, you don't know me!
Harry: That's great, Hagrid. What can you tell us about Fluffy?
Hagrid: That bastard still owes me money. And he slept with my wife
Harry: No, the dog! What can you tell us about what Fluffy's guarding?
Hagrid: Fluffy? That's what that bastard used to call my wife!
Harry: Fluffy, your three-headed dog!
Hagrid: Ah, all questions should go through Nicolas Flamel
Harry: Alright, well that's something
Hermione: Yeah, let's go. C'mon Ron
Ron: *Flailing his arms* Don't make me go upside your face!
Hermione: Oh no, Ron's drunk
Harry: No, he's not
***
*Great Hall*
Ron: Knight to E4
Harry: You sunk my battleship *laughs uproariously*
Hermione: I'm going home for Christmas
Ron: Conveniently my family has chosen to stop loving me briefly so I'll be staying over Christmas.
Harry: Conveniently my family has never loved me so I too will be staying over Christmas
Hermione: Inconveniently you need to look in the restricted section of the library for information about Nicolas Flamel
Harry: That's totally barbaric!
Hermione:…..huh?
***
*Christmas*
Ron: It's Christmas
Harry: I know, I can read
Ron: You've got presents
Harry: Ah, this new Christmas impresses me. At the Dursley's, Christmas meant me being hoe tied to a log and being roasted on an open fire. It was good for a few years but I crave variety
Ron: Variety you say? How about an invisible coat?
Harry: Awesome, where is it?
Ron: Eh….damn, I put it down somewhere *spends next three weeks looking for it*
***
*Nighttime in the library*
Harry: If I had to write a list of top things I'd do if I was invisible, visiting a library wouldn't be near the top. I'm glad no one is here to see me doing this, and if they were here, they wouldn't be able to see me anyway…..who am I talking to? *Picks up book and opens it*
Book: God, I'm hungry. Can you bring me a sandwich or something? Please
Harry: Can you tell me where I might find Flamel?
Book: Nah, but I can knock over your lamp *knocks over lamp*
Harry: Why would someone design a book to be like this? I mean, seriously? What the hell can be gained from it? A screaming head in a book? And why did publishing let that get through? Authors toil away for years to put together quality pieces of work that may never even be published, but someone decided to give the green light to a screaming face between two covers. No wonder you can't get kids to read. They open books and faces scream at them. WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS BOOK?! Who says to themselves "A gritty murder mystery novel? Nah, I'm gonna go with the screaming face idea"?
***
*In some room*
Harry: A mirror?
Mirror: Wow, a real genius here
Harry's parents: Hello
Harry: Hello
Harry's parents:……
Harry:……
Harry's parents: So……
Harry: Yeah……
Harry's parents: How's life?
Harry: Fine. You look well
Harry's parents: We're dead, and we're in a mirror
Harry: Point taken. I'm gonna get a friend
***
*Same room*
Harry: Ron, take a look in this mirror
Ron:…….in all honesty, I really didn't think this was what your had me get out of bed and risk detention for
Harry: Yeah, but this is a seriously awesome mirror
Ron:…..there is something seriously wrong with you, my friend
Harry: Just look
Ron *Looks*
Harry: Do you see my parents?
Ron: No, I see myself as head boy. And quidditch captain. And….
Harry: What?
Ron: No no, that's it
Harry:…..is Hermione in there?
Ron: Well……maybe
Harry:…..is she wearing clothes?
Ron:…….she's not not wearing clothes
Harry: Get away from the mirror you creep. *Steps back in front of it* Oh wait, she's naked in my vision too
Both: *Stand in front of mirror staring into it*
Ron: *Leans in for closer look* that's a strange place for a birthmark
***
*Same room, now sitting, with old man in background*
Dumbledore: Back again, Harry? Our caretaker sure is doing a crap job keeping students out of the corridors at night. I trust you now know what the mirror does?
Harry: Well basically you can use it to perve on girls
Dumbledore: True, but there's more to it than that….probably. Anyway, I plan to move the mirror somewhere else, so please don't go looking for it
Harry: Some top secret operation?
Dumbledore: No no, but I'm moving it into my bedroom and I don't want you coming in every night
Harry: Super. I'll be going then
Dumbledore: No probs, and tell your friend Ron he's a creep. *Steps in front of mirror* Oh wait, Hermione's naked in my vision too. Never mind
***
*Library*
Harry: I snuck in here at nighttime. Jealous?
Ron: Of course
Hermione: I had you looking in the wrong section, how could I be so stupid?
Harry: Ah, so the nighttime visit did absolutely nothing but risk expulsion?
Hermione: Precisely. It says here that Flamel worked with Albus Dumbledore on the Philosopher's Stone. That's what Fluffy's guarding and what Snape's trying to steal
Harry: Let's review: Flamel has lead us to Dumbledore, who's been with us the whole time. We now know we're searching for a stone, which doesn't affect us in the slightest as it could have been a donut for all it matters. In other words, we're exactly where we were at the start of the year before we even started investigating
Hermione: Well when you say it like that…
***
*Hagrid's*
Harry: Hagrid, we need to get past Fluffy to protect the stone
Hagrid: Sure you do. Look, I have a dragon
Ron: Where did you get it?
Hagrid: Off a bloke down the pub. I get everything off guys I meet at the pub; dragon eggs, beard-care advice, my first kiss…..I've said too much
Egg: *Hatches*
Dragon: *Breaths fire*
Malfoy: *Looks through window*
Everyone else: *Panics*
***
*Back at school*
Harry: So what do you think Malfoy will do?
McGonagall: Hello
Harry: Hi, we were just discussing what Malfoy will do now he's seen we're out of bed
McGonagall: He'll get Professor McGonagall
Harry: He will? Damn. Can you stay here and keep a look out for her?
McGonagall: Sure *stands guard*
*3 hours later*
McGonagall: ……hey, wait a minute!
***
*Detention with Hagrid*
Filch: Ah Hogwarts, where else does detention involve pointless risking of student lives?
Hagrid: Norbert got sent away, meaning that all you guys got caught out of bed for absolutely no reason at all. Into the horrendously dangerous forest we go
***
*Horrendously dangerous forest*
Hagrid: You probably think that bringing you guys into the forest with me was as dangerous as it could get. Wrong. Harry and Malfoy, you guys are going off on your own
Harry: Hey look, a dude in a coat. Let's ask for directions
Dude in coat: Grrrr!
Malfoy: *Intelligently runs away*
Harry: *Stupidly stands still and allows the dude to come and almost kill him*
Firenze: What are you, stupid? What the hell didn't you run like the other guy? WHY DID YOU STAND THERE LOOKING AT THE DUDE IN THE COAT?! WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Hagrid: Alright, Firenze?
Firenze: No I'm not alright, this guy is a complete idiot!
Hagrid: True, but we can pass off his stupidity as being brave and standing up to his enemies
Firenze: Whatever, it's your funeral
***
*McGonagall's office*
Harry: Hey McGonagall
McGonagall: Ssh, I'm keeping a look out for Harry, Ron and Hermione in case McGonagall comes by
Harry: Well while you're doing that, is Dumbledore around?
McGonagall: No, he thought that while the school is housing one of the most important artifacts in the world that in the wrong hands could mean the end of civilization it was as good a time as any to pop off to Acapulco for a fun weekend of sun and surf
Snape: Boo!
Harry: Aargh!
Snape: Up to no good?
Harry: Never
Snape: I think you are
Harry: You'd be wrong
Snape: I don't think I am
Harry: I'm telling you you are
Snape: I've never been wrong before
Harry: I think you have
Snape: You have no proof
Harry: I do now
Both: *Stare awkwardly at each other for several hours before eventually walking away*
Harry: Let's go protect the stone!
Hermione and Ron: Yay!
***
*Common room, late at night*
Harry: OK, we know we need music to put Fluffy to sleep, so let's bring nothing musical with us
Hermione and Ron: Agreed
Fluffy: Zzzzzzzz
Harry: Aww, what a cutie. Who dares me to give him a kiss?
Hermione: Quick, down the hole
Fluffy: Hole? I love that band
Hermione: Aargh! He's trying to steal my 'Best Of…' compilation! Down the hole!
Everyone: *Down the hole*
Plant: Grr! Get off my lawn, you kids! And by that I mean get off myself
Hermione: Guys, just relax. This is Devil's Snare. Just relax. It's like a bully; if you ignore it, it will leave you alone
Harry: Yeah, I put that to the test once with a bully. I spent 3 years in a coma
Ron: Aargh! Get me out!
Hermione: He's not relaxing is he?
Harry: Don't worry, I've got my Dido mixed-tape. That oughtta cool his jets
Hermione: No, we need fire. Devil's snare hates fire
Harry: Well then make some fire already!
Hermione: But there's no wood
Hooch: No wood? Sounds like my honeymoon. Ahahahaha, no seriously, you kids are alright
Ron: It's cool, I'm free now. I just yelled 'FIRE!' and the Snare got scared and dropped me
Harry: I question how intelligent it is teaching 1st years about a plant you are using to guard an irreplaceable treasure
Hermione: Yeah but what are you gonna do?
***
*In a room of magical flying keys*
Ron: Look at all these keys, it'll take hours to find the right one
Harry: There it is
Ron: Oh OK, well it'll take hours to fly up there and get it amongst all the other thousands of keys
Harry: Got it
Ron: Oh
Harry: We run a tight ship here Ron, get with the program
***
*Giant Chess Board*
Harry: Chess? That's how they've decided to protect the Stone? Ok, so Voldemort may not be a chess master, but someone like Garry Kasparov can just waltz in and nab the Stone
Ron: Ooh Harry, I'm ever so good at chess. Let me take control
Harry: Alright then, I guess you should be the King to ensure you last the longest
Ron: Nah
Harry: OK then. Be the Queen so you're the most powerful piece
Ron: Nah. I'll be a horsie
Harry:…..yes. Yes you will
*Ron dies*
Harry: You could have been the King, but no, you wanted to be the horsie
Hermione: You know he only fell about 6 feet, he should be fine
Harry: Yeah, but he's a pansy
Hermione: You should go on, Harry. Fight Voldemort alone
Harry: Seems fair. So let me get this straight; we fought a plant that first years are taught how to beat, caught a battered up flying key and won a simple chess game, and that's all it took to get to the Stone? Is it just me or did Dumbledore stop caring a while ago? I mean look over there, there's a giant neon sign saying "Philosopher's Stone- This Way (P.S. Quirrel's the bad guy)"
Hermione: Go on, Harry. Stop Voldemort
Harry: Why don't you go, smart arse?
Hermione: Me? Book and cleverness…
Harry: Cleverness? Ooh, we are one to blow our own horn now aren't we?
Hermione: You're a great wizard, Harry
Harry: No kidding, Sherlock. I toppled the most powerful dark wizard in the world at age one. Alright, I'll go and face him, but you go and send an owl to Dumbledore. Not that it'll help but he'd probably like something to eat. And I know how he likes his owls fresh
Hermione: Go on and face Voldemort alone, Harry
Harry: Well why don't you go and marry a book you little brat!
***
*Inside the….big, round room thing with the mirror*
Harry: Quirrel, so you're the bad guy?
Quirrel: Of course, when have you known a neon sign to lie?
Harry: Well it said 'Girls Girls Girls' but I went inside and it was only one. Sure, she was a Siamese twin but the other one kept her clothes on
Quirrel: Well here's the Mirror of Erised. Don't know how to get the stone out of it though
Weird voice: Use the boy
Harry: Woah, awesome ventriloquism
Quirrel: No no, Voldemort's under my turban. Oh damn, ruined the surprised
Harry: Don't worry, I can act surprised when he comes out
Voldemort: *Appears from under the turban*
Harry: Voldem….oh my goodness!
Voldemort: Nah, not working for you kid. Say, can you come here and look into this mirror for me. Apparently I'm supposed to use it to get the stone but all I can see is Hermione naked
Harry: Yeah, we've been getting a lot of that *looks into mirror and stone lands in his pocket*
Voldemort: Wait a minute! Is that a stone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Harry: Uh…..no, not a stone. Just enjoying this naked Hermione mirror
Voldemort: You can't fool me, boy. No one could be aroused by a naked Hermione, she's repulsive. Hand over the stone!
Harry: You'll have to fight me for it
Voldemort: I plan to *draws his wand*
Harry: *Draws genitals on the mirror*
Quirrel: *Dies of laughter*
Voldemort: Damn, I needed that body. Until we meet again….*flies away to his magical lair, where nothing is as it seems and all the furniture is stuck to the ceiling or something*
***
*The hospital wing*
Dumbledore: Harry, I've decided that as the next few years are gonna be so darn crazy, I'll visit you at the end of each year to explain things
Harry: OK then. Where do babies come from?
Dumbledore: *leaves*
***
*The Great Hall*
Harry: Good to see everyone's well
Ron: Yeah, I'm feeling great
Harry: No, I mean it's good to see everyone's well over there *points to a well*
Ron: Wow, I can't believe you just made that joke
Harry: Wanted to sneak it in before the year was out
Dumbledore: Well the end of the year, and Slytherin have won the house cup. But bias is a beautiful thing, so 50 points to Ron Weasley because I don't want to appear racist against red-heads. 50 points to Hermione Granger for…you know….all the mirror stuff. 60 points to Harry as the door prize, and 10 to Neville so his year doesn't totally suck
Hermione: We've won!
Dumbledore: And 15 to Herman Bunblooza from Slytherin for picking up 10 papers. Slytherin win!
Harry: Well you can't win them all. Or any, in our case
***
*Hogwarts station*
Harry: I suppose this is it, such ends my first year at magic school
Ron: Time to go home I guess
Harry: I'm not going home, not really. I'm going to prison for three months on an aggravated assault charge
Ron: And what will you be doing Hermione?
Hermione: Destroying the mirror of Erised!
THE END