Love Like Suicide
A/N So this is my long journey back from writer's block, and it's a little different from my other stories in terms of style, and also the topic. It's a bit depressing, or so I've heard, so if you don't like that, don't read it. Then again, you probably wouldn't read any of my stories, as they are pretty much all depressing. But if you do read it, please review. Pretty pretty please?
Oh, one more thing, italics signify a flashback, so that I don't have to write flashback every two lines.
--
Heard it from another room
Eyes were waking up just to fall asleep
Love's like suicide
Dazed out in a garden bed
With a broken neck lays my broken gift
Just like suicide
I entered the room and stared at the floor, where she lay, sprawled out, her limbs in unnatural positions. Other than that, she could have been sleeping.
That and the knife that protruded from her chest, positioned exactly in between those soft breasts I had caressed so many times.
She was wearing a short black skirt, and a too-tight shirt from which those same breasts almost spilled out.
She looked beautiful, as always, but her face was deathly pale. Fitting, seeing as she was dead. Her dyed black hair extended out in all directions on the floor.
It was strange, as I looked at her. It seemed to take an eternity for me to realize what I had done. To realize that I had killed her.
She turned around and blew me a kiss, her hair swishing over her shoulder as she turned. I couldn't believe my eyes. Was this Hermione?
The very same Hermione that I had known for so long? She was suddenly beautiful, appealing to my every nature.
She no longer had an air of "goodness" around her. Quite the opposite, in fact. Her bad-girl look was complete. She was dressed from head to toe in black, her hair dyed the same color.
It was obviously a bad dye job, but this made it even more hot. Her skirt was far too short, her shirt far too low. I could feel myself blushing.
I kept my inclinations secret, and had no intention of changing that. But there was no denying it, I now had the hots for Hermione Granger.
--
I leaned against the wall and sank down onto the floor. My life would never be the same again. There would always be a missing piece of my heart, bleeding all over me.
It was love, and nothing less. I loved her. I truly did. Nothing, and nobody, can ever deny that fact. True love is impossible, but love exists. Mine does. Or until now, it did.
But that love is dead. She is dead. And I will never love again.
--
"Hermione? What happened to you?" Somewhat of a rude way to put it, especially because I didn't mind what had happened one bit. Quite the contrary, I enjoyed it a lot.
"Nothing happened. I'm just…trying something new. Trying lots of new things. I'm taking risks. I'm enjoying life! What's wrong with that?"
In all the years I had known her, I had never considered that Hermione didn't want to be the way she was anymore. That she could, and would, accept changes.
"Nothing's wrong with it. In fact, it's great." We were sitting up in my dorm, talking. We were the only people there.
I tried to keep my eyes from straying to the dangerous dip of her shirt. It was difficult, and I saw her eyes catch mine and follow them downwards.
"Does it bother you? Do I seem like a slut?" An honest answer would be that she looked like a slut. But that was something that would never leave me head.
I knew she wasn't, inside. I knew the old Hermione was there, with a new look. And that was just how I liked it.
"No, it doesn't. It's just…" I didn't finish, because I didn't know what I was going to say. No, that was a lie. I was going to tell her that I was a lesbian. I was about to do it, and stopped myself.
But she was the only person I trusted enough to tell. She was the person I loved.
"Hermione, I have a confession to make. I…I don't like guys. I like girls. I'm not normal. I'm screwed up. I'm messed up!" Tears leaked out of my eyes and streamed down my face. Suddenly, I felt my face being lifted up.
"You aren't messed up Ginny."
And then she kissed me.
--
They say if you love someone enough, nothing can interfere. They were wrong, because there were endless interferences with our love.
And I can be sure that our love was stronger than anybody, anywhere.
So I speak these words with confidence now. They were wrong.
--
We kept our relationship a secret, but you know how gossip is. It spreads like fire, and soon enough, there were snickers in the halls as we passed.
I wish I could say I loved her enough that it didn't bother me, but it did. I have no doubts that I loved her enough, but it bothered me that I was no longer invisible.
I had grown used to invisibility, to everybody ignoring me as I passed. But now I was the subject of whispers in the halls, and giggles in our dorm room at night.
I think it worried her even more that it worried me. For her the issue was her family. She knew that they would never accept her, they were already angry enough about the changes she had made to her looks.
I admit my family worried me as well. My brother Ron seemed to look over my head when he was talking to me, and I was definitely worried about him telling our parents.
Fred and George were ok with it, but then again, Fred and George were pretty much ok with everything.
What bothered me the most was that so many people treated me like I had a disease. They wouldn't make eye contact, and many wouldn't even sit next to me at lunch.
I felt like shouting at them, telling them that it wasn't contagious, let alone anything wrong. For yes, Hermione had convinced me long before that there was nothing wrong with me.
Quite the contrary, in fact. There was probably something wrong with every person that didn't accept me for who I was.
I knew she was having some of the same problems I was, and we remained each other's comfort. I'm sure it helped, but nothing could ever take away the hurt of somebody running out of the room as soon as you entered it.
Bit down on the bullet now
I had a taste so sour
I had to think of something sweet
Love's like suicide
Safe outside my gilded cage
With an ounce of pain
I wield a ton of rage
Just like suicide
I let out a scream of rage, thinking of what had happened. It wasn't fair, not fair at all. Why couldn't we have a happily ever after?
Was it because we were both girls? Was it true that God hated us for being gay? Was it true that there was a God?
No, I stopped believing in that a long time ago. There is only one reason I would have to believe in God.
Not to have something to believe in, but to have someone to blame. To pretend that it wasn't my fault in the first place.
--
It wasn't long before it came to be time to tell my family. I couldn't hide it anymore, that feeling whenever I went home for the holidays.
Ron avoiding eye contact, and me feeling like I was hiding something the whole time. Which wasn't a lie, I was hiding something.
Hermione begged me not to tell, she pleaded with me to keep our secret. She knew what was coming, she could practically see the future.
I didn't realize the impact of my actions for a long time. I was caught up in my own world, ecstatic that my parents still accepted me.
In fact, the only person who wasn't ok with it was Percy, and it wasn't like he mattered anyways. To him it was just like there was one more freak in the family.
I didn't think of the consequences of what I did, what would happen after that. All I saw was my own happiness.
But it so happened that the world were not as trustworthy as I would have liked it to be. Gossip spreads, and you would think I had learned that lesson the way it had in school.
But as it was bound to happen, the news somehow reached the ears of Hermione's parents. I have never found out to this day whether she decided to tell them herself, or whether they found out some other way.
It took me a while to find out that this had happened, as she didn't tell me immediately. But I will never forget the look on her face when she did tell me.
With eyes of blood
And bitter blue
How I feel for you
I feel for you
What happens when somebody is too afraid to kill themselves? What happens when the person wants to die so badly, but they can't take that final step?
What happens when you owe someone something? What happens when that person asks you to repay your debt?
What happens when you are asked to do something impossible?
She lived like a murder
How she'd fly so sweetly
She lived like a murder
But she died
Just like suicide
"They know. They know our secret," she whispered to me with a tear-stained face. I could tell she had been crying for God knows how long.
Her eyes were red and puffy, and her throat dry from screams of anger. She was losing her sanity, slipping away from life, minute by minute.
Losing faith is a horrible thing. When you come to terms with the fact that nothing and no one can help you out of the situation you are in. This is the point she had reached.
The point of no return.
"They are going to lock me up. In a mental institute. They think I'm insane, Ginny. They think I'm losing it. Am I losing it?" She sounded so desperate to hear someone say no. So I said no.
"But it doesn't matter if I am or not. They are sending me there anyways. I tried to kill myself, Ginny. I tried really hard." She opened her clenched fist and revealed a knife with a short but obviously sharp blade.
"Ginny, do you love me?" I nodded vigorously, but I dreaded what she was going to say. I prayed for the first time at that moment. I actually asked God to let this work out.
But I knew inside what was coming. I wasn't as surprised as I should have been when she handed me the blade. I hesitated for a moment, but then she said it.
"Do it for me."
I loved her. So I did it.
She lived like a murder
But she died
Just like suicide
--
A/N Song – "Like Suicide" by Soundgarden
I'd like to take a minute to talk about the issue expressed in this story, because there is actually a message behind it. A lot of people don't realize that homosexuality is becoming more and more prominent today, and with it comes many more issues. It is very real, and to those who think they can cure it, or change it, I can't be bothered to try and convince them otherwise, but I would have to put them in the category of ignorant.
The hate shown toward gays in our society can be expressed in smaller ways too. Without realizing how offensive they are, people use words like "fag", "queer", and just the word "gay" to mean things like stupid or idiotic. If you use words like that, please stop. Realize that they mean something, and they are just as offensive as using the n-word is. We need to eliminate them from our vocabulary, just as we have with the n-word.
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