The Hellsing 'Institution'
Institution is right... as in they should all be institutionalized. Anyhow, insert standard (albeit useless) disclaimer, and here we GOOO!
Integra sat hunched over her desk, her elbows resting on the polished surface. She was reading one of the many pieces of paper spread out before her. She frowned slightly before grabbing a cigar and lighting it. With a small sigh, she removed her glasses and massaged the bridge of her nose.
"I despise paperwork." She puffed on her cigar and watched as the smoke swirled its way to the ceiling. A soft knock was heard at the door. "Enter."
Walter opened the door and walked into the dark room. Only a small desk lamp was on, and the curtains had been drawn so not even the moonlight could offer extra illumination. He stopped in front of the desk and gave a little bow. "How's the paper work coming, Sir Integra?"
Integra huffed angrily and snatched one of the papers up, sneering. "I just don't understand!"
"Ah. May I?" Walter took the paper from Integra and adjusted his monocle. He 'hmm'd and 'haw'd for a minute before nodding. " I believe that would be the actor 'Johnny Depp', sir." He handed the paper back to Integra, who seemed dumbstruck.
"Huh." She took one more puff before putting out her cigar, which was still almost new. "I didn't know he was in 'Willy Wonka.'" She pulled out another cigar, and Walter lit it, eyeing the one in the already half-full ashtray with chagrin. He had just emptied it only half an hour ago.
"It is getting rather late, m'lady."
"Yes, I know." Integra waved her hand flippantly. "But with all this paper work-"
"I'm sure your crosswords can wait until tomorrow." Walter said with a slight smile. Integra never liked to go to bed without finishing her crossword puzzles. It had been like that for years. "Perhaps you'd like some chamomile tea to help smooth your frazzled nerves?"
Integra ran a hand through her hair. "No thank you. I'll be fine with opium." Walter blinked. "I'm joking, Walter."
"Heh. Right. Of course." Walter gave her a sideways glare of suspicion. Is that why she always seems so calm? He checked his pocket watch. "Miss Victoria and Master Alucard should be up shortly, so if you'll excuse me-"
Integra nodded, causing the lamplight to glare of her glasses and obscure her eyes. Walter cringed as the light reflected directly into his eyes, temporarily blinding him. Nothing he wasn't used to, though. It seemed to be a common occurrence, actually. With another small bow, he took his leave, blinking rapidly in an attempt to restore his vision. By some miracle, he managed to make it out of the door and down the hallway without a major accident. Integra picked up her pen and went back to her crossword.
"Fourteen across…Johnny Depp." She penned in the name, then sat back in satisfaction and puffed her cigar contently. "I knew that."
About, oh, forty meters underground, Seras Victoria was snoring away happily, drooling with content. She was having the most wonderful dream
"Here's a chocolate cake for you! Because we're such good friends!" Integra smiled cheerily from underneath a wide-brimmed straw sunhat. She was wearing a pink flowery dress and carrying a small Chihuahua in a pink Prada purse. Like Paris Hilton or something. Seras smiled, squealing in delight.
"Just what I wanted!!" She graciously accepted the cake from Integra, who disappeared as soon as the cake left her grasp. Seras sat down at a random palapa on an equally random, sunny beach, and began to eat her cake. Suddenly, the spirit of Harkkonen appeared, fluttering and squiggly as always. Seras scowled.
"What do you want?"
"Shouldn't you shaaaaare?" Harkonnen drawled creepily.
Seras glared. "No." With that, she pulled out a Desert Eagle and shot Harkonnen in the forehead, then went back to her delicious cake. She was happily munching when a shadow fell upon her.
"You know you can't eat cake, Police Girl." She turned to find Alucard standing behind her, looking none too happy. She dropped her cake and stood up.
"M-master! What are you doing here??"
Alucard looked around nonchalantly, poking at Harkonnen's corpse with his foot. " So this is what you dream of, hm?" Seras blushed slightly. "Sitting on a sunny beach and eating chocolate cake." He stared at her. "Pathetic."
"Bwuh…I-" Seras watched with wide eyes as Alucard drew Jackal and pointed it at her forehead. A sadistic smile spread across his lips.
"Wakey wakey, Police Girl."
Walter jumped as he heard a loud 'thunk' come from Seras' coffin, followed by a pained groan. He chuckled inwardly as he set the packet of blood on the table. Sure, she never drank them, but she would eventually. Uh, right?
Seras shoved the lid of her plywood coffin to the side and sat up, rubbing her forehead ruefully and mumbling darkly.
"Good evening, Miss Victoria." Walter smiled. Seras twitched a little at his voice, then smiled, slightly embarrassed.
"Good evening, Walter. Still haven't gotten used to this yet." She knocked on the cheap-ass coffin and laughed nervously. Walter nodded in response.
"I suppose it would take a while." He chuckled a bit, then left, leaving Seras by herself. She sighed and slumped over, her left eye twitching.
"Why'd you have to ruin such a good dream, Master?" She whined quietly to herself before getting up and going through her evening routine. She brushed her teeth- dental hygiene is VERY important for vampires, as you could probably imagine- and changed into her uniform.
"Why do these things have to be so damn slutty?" She frowned as she tugged the material here and there until it fit right. "You'd think they'd at least let me wear pants." Realizing the situation was out of her hands, she sighed and walked out, ready to be told what to expect that night.
Alucard was already up when Walter entered his chambers. Because we all know he's too cool to have a simple 'room'. 'Chambers' are so much cooler. The two nodded in salutation, and Walter tossed Alucard a packet of blood before leaving. Alucard, slouching in his chair, was feeling too lazy to drink, so he just ripped open the packet and dumped the blood on himself, which he then absorbed through blood osmosis or some such process. Feeling refreshed, his trademark crooked grin was on his face once again as he melted into the shadows. Shadow travel was his preferred method of transportation. He owned shares. Hell, he just p0wned.
Integra had drawn open the curtains and was standing at the large window, surveying the landscape under the silver moonlight. Amazingly, she hadn't lit up another cigar yet and was still working on the one Walter had lit. She inhaled deeply. GAWD she loved smoking! Smoking and being Protestant. Life didn't get any better than that. Her desk had been cleaned of crossword puzzles, and instead there was a small manila folder in the center of it.
"There's a job for you two."
Alucard appeared from the shadows and smiled. Integra continued without turning.
" In the mediocre town of Mozzarella, there is a Wal-Mart that has been infested with cheap ghouls."
Seras burst through the doors- literally, through the doors-, apparently forgetting about the whole 'super-strength' bonus that vampires got. "Oops." She said meekly, blushing at her blunder. "Sorry about that. What did I miss?"
Integra slapped her forehead and muttered something about 'retards' under her breath. "You have to go to the town of Mozzarella-"
She was interrupted by Seras' loud guffaws. Integra wasn't impressed.
"What's so funny, Police Girl?" Integra snapped, contempt evident in her voice. Seras snickered.
"Cheddar, Mozzarella…what's next, Goudaville?"
Integra blinked. "There haven't been any reports of vampire or ghoul activity in Goudaville as of yet." Integra deadpanned. Seras instantly stopped laughing.
"You mean to tell me that there is a place called 'Goudaville'?" Integra rolled her eyes and nodded. Seras burst out laughing again. Integra and Alucard both stared at her like she had just sprouted a lizard head and was busy chewing on pre-thawed rodents. After a few minutes of patient waiting on Integra's part (Alucard had simply left via the wall), Seras settled down, tears still streaming down her face. However, she wasn't still doubled-over with laughter, and she could get a sentence out without erupting into a fit of giggles. Integra sighed as she put out her cigar in the ashtray.
"I hope you're finished." She stated dryly. "Because the next time this happens, you're eating nothing but garlic for a month." Seras wouldn't have like that, vampire or otherwise. Satisfied that her threat had worked, Integra continued just as Alucard randomly floated up through the floor and Integra's desk, leaving a thin film of green ectoplasm on the shiny surface. Ew.
"As I was saying," she threw an accusing glare at Seras, who flinched in response. " the Wal-Mart in Mozzarella has been overrun with ghouls. As far as we can tell, there's only one vampire, so it should be a relatively easy job."
Seras' shoulders sagged. " Wal-Mart? Why couldn't ghouls infest some place cool, like a Bootlegger or Hot Topic."
Integra gave Seras an odd look. "Normally you don't hear 'Bootlegger' and 'Hot Topic' in the same sentence."
Seras huffed with indignation. "I'm a complicated individual."
Alucard snickered. "You're about as complicated as any Brittney Spears song." Seras gave him a death glare.
"Even I'M not that simple." She crossed her arms and scowled. "Let's just go to Havarti."
"Mozzarella." Integra corrected, lighting up another cigar. "Damn I love to smoke."
"Let's go, Police Girl." Alucard ushered his fledgling out of the room. "Before my master goes into another one of her odes to smoking."
"Gah." Seras frowned. "How could anyone like smoking so damn much!?"
Back in her office, Integra had already gone off into a monologue. Poor Walter, who had just shown up to see if she had changed her mind about the tea, was forced to stay and listen as Integra prattled on about the miraculous wonder of the world called tobacco. He sat down heavily in the chair opposite Integra and slouched deeply, staring up at the ceiling. Last time he was in that situation, he counted three hundred seventy-five tiles on the roof. He was determined to see if his last count was indeed correct.
Seras climbed out of the armoured humvee she had gotten a ride in and stared at awe at the huge Wal-Mart.
"Whoah…I've never seen a Wal-Mart so huge." Indeed, it had four levels, three swimming pools, a petting zoo and an apartment complex. She turned back to the dude that had given her a ride. "Thanks for the lift! I thought nobody was going to pick me up with that ridiculous sign!" The owner of the vehicle passed her her cardboard sign that said 'Mozzarella or Bust!" and smiled.
"Hey chicky, mind if I get your number?" He drawled, a perverted gleam in his eyes. Seras laughed uncomfortably.
"I don't have a phone. Sorry."
The man glared at her, hurt. "If you didn't want to give me your number, all you had to say was 'no'." With a racking sob, he slammed the passenger door shut and drove away. Seras stared after the tail lights, dumbfounded.
"…huh." She shrugged before walking off towards the building, Harkonnen slung over her shoulder. "Good thing he didn't ask too many questions and had a lot of interior space. Although I'm still not sure what he meant when he asked if I liked 'S&M'." Seras shook her head slightly.
"My god, you are stupid, aren't you?"
Seras spun around to see Alucard shaking his head in disappointment.
"Master! You know what it means?"
"Of course I know what it means." He rolled his eyes.
A sparkle could be seen in Seras' eyes. "Then you'll tell me what it means?"
"No." The sparkle was gone. "Now come on. We have a job to do." He grinned sadistically. "Time to p0wn some zombie ass." He pulled Jackal and Casull out from under his trench coat and laughed maniacally. Seras blinked a couple of times before proceeding to the Wal-Mart, seriously questioning the sanity of her master.
The automatic doors slid open with a dull 'bing'. Seras gasped in horror at the sight that met her. Ghouls were everywhere, pushing dark blue shopping carts full of competitively priced items! And random body parts! OMG!!1! The ghoul greeter ambled up to her and smacked a flyer in her face while simultaneously trying to bite her arm off. She screamed and punched him/it in the face, causing it to reel back and groan piteously.
GodDAMN Police Girl! How many times do I have to tell you that you need to shoot them in the HEART! DAMNIT!
"Can't we all just get along?" Seras whimpered, using the Harkonnen as a baseball bat of sorts to whack the ghouls away from her.
Ugh…don't use it to hit them, use it to SHOOT them! That's what it was MADE for!
She cringed at her master's harsh reproach. "Y-yes, Master." She loaded a shell, then aimed down one of the checkout isles which was, amazingly enough, still full of people waiting in line. She squeezed her eyes shut as she pulled the trigger. The sound of the shot was followed by wet, slapping, flesh-exploding noises and screams of abject terror.
"Oh my GOD! GERALD!!"
"Mommy! I can't see! There's blood in my eyes!"
"MY LEGS ARE GONE!! AUUUGH!"
Alucard stepped up behind Seras and sighed. "You're supposed to be killing the ghouls, Police Girl, not the survivors."
Seras' eye twitched. "Heh heh…oops?"
Alucard simply shrugged. "It's my master who has to do the paper work." With that, he raised the Casull and shot 'Gerald" right between the eyes. "Hah." He then resumed his ghoul p0wning, leaving Seras to twitch and spasm in horror.
"Maybe you should check out the petting zoo. Make sure the bunnies are still soft." Alucard offered, fearing the ramifications Seras' mistake could have on her already fragile psyche. She nodded absently before walking off, shooting whatever ghouls got in her path. Alucard sighed. "She better get it soon, or I'm going to lose it." With a sigh, he returned his attention to the now clear gaming section. "OOH! They have Gears of War set up!" He looked around shiftily before running over to the controller. "Sweet…Dom you bastard! Get behind that piece of rubble! No! Don't run towards the emergence hole with reckless abandon! DAMNIT!" Alucard sighed angrily. "You're almost as bad as Police Girl!"
Seras followed the signs with a creepy six-legged goat to get to the petting zoo. Amazingly, it was relatively unaffected by the ghouls. All together, there were three hamsters, two goats, seventeen rabbits and a porcupine.
"Huh. A porcupine." She poked with the end of Harkonnen and watched as it puffed up and hissed, its quills standing on end. "That's interesting. Wait…what kind of petting zoo would have a porcupine!?"
"You're smarter than you look!"
"No I'm not!" She retorted to the insofar disembodied voice. "Oh, wait…" She paused for a second. "Who are you!?"
"Who am I?? WHO AM I!?" A man stepped out of the shadows. He had on the regulation blue Wal-Mart vest, and had a nametag that read 'George, General Manager'.
"Oh. You're George." Seras said simply. George stopped.
"Uh, yeah. I -GURK!" And he suddenly died from a blessed bayonet to the heart. He fell to the ground in a pile of ash, which slowly blew away as the background gradually changed to black and white. Bold white text floated in mid-air.
"Eternity, by Kalvin Klein."
Seras looked around wildly, trying to discern the origin of the voice. "Where the hell did that come from!?"
"The deepest pits of HELL!!"
Seras' pupils dilated at the very sound of that voice. "Anderson…" She watched as the nut bag crazy-ass 'priest' walked out from the shadows ('My, but there seems to be so many shadows around here,' she commented blandly), smiling creepily. He held two bayonets in front of himself in the shape of a cross.
"BLAH BLAH BLAH SCRIPTURES BLAH!"
"Uhh…aren't you supposed to actually say the scriptures? And what happened to your accent?"
"SHUT UP, HEATHEN!" Anderson raged, hitting Seras squarely in the throat with one of his bayonets. Again.
"HGHGWARRRGH!" Seras gurgled in surprise as she stumbled backwards. "GWAH!" Knowing that the battle was too much for her, she turned and ran. "Must…find…Master…" She wandered through the isles until she found him in the gaming area. "HCGGHCAAH!"
"Mhm, be right there." Alucard said irritably, sticking his tongue out in concentration as he manipulated Pheonix on the screen.
"Master…" Seras managed to gurgle out as she stumbled over to him, blood loss starting to affect her motor skills. "Help." She reached for his arm, but he just brushed her hand away irritably.
"I'll help you as soon as I reach the next checkpoint- oh. There it is." He paused the game and looked down at her. "You know that bayonets to the throat are bad for you, right?" He grabbed it and ripped it out of her throat. She gurgled some more and whimpered in pain. "Hmm…blessed. Anderson is here, isn't he?"
Seras nodded weakly before collapsing on the floor. "Buttercream pancakes, Master."
Alucard ignored her. "Perfect." A huge smile crossed his face. "We're going to have fun tonight!"
"Speak for yourself." Seras mumbled darkly.
"AAAANDERSON!!" Alucard called tauntingly. "COME OUT!" Heavy footsteps were heard coming from the ladies' underwear section. Anderson stepped by two racks and nonchalantly threw a bright blue bra he had been sniffing (dude, they're new) over his shoulder, a sadistic smile on his face.
"Hello, you sin against nature!" He greeted, twirling one of his bayonets eagerly. "Ready to DIE!?"
Alucard just grinned. "Wanna play Gears of War with me? That AI really sucks."
Anderson paused for maybe a millisecond before haphazardly throwing his bayonets to the floor.
"Hells yeah! Thought you'd never ask!"
Seras sputtered in confusion as Alucard and Anderson both picked up controllers and began playing.
"Ah, you're already at the train station?"
"Yeah. Someone else had already started a game, so I just played on that campaign. Might as well finish it."
The two played until they had defeated General RAAM. They celebrated by giving each other high fives, then Alucard gave Anderson a shot to the forehead courtesy Casull, and Anderson, in return, let Alucard keep a bayonet that was now embedded in his thoracic cavity. It was a nice gaming session.
Anderson walked off through the panties section again, prancing and throwing undergarments into the air like a little girl would do with flower petals. Alucard grinned and picked up Seras by the scruff of her neck.
"He took care of the vampire, didn't he?" Seras nodded. "Good. Let's go back to headquarters. I have to tell Walter about the ending to that game." Seras sighed and nodded in agreement. Smiling, Alucard dissipated, leaving Seras to fall heavily to the floor.
"Oof! HEY! What about ME!?" She clambered to her feet and shook her fist at nothing in particular. "Oh, you bastard!" She growled as she retrieved Harkonnen, found her sign, and stood by the highway again.
Teh End. R&R per usual.