A/N: So this is a story I recently started, and it really isn't like the "4-parters" I've been writing lately. This one might actually have a happy ending. Anyways, I already have the 2nd and 3rd chapter written, they just need to be edited. I won't however post 'em if you guys don't like this, so tell me what you think. The whole thing is written in Ashley's POV. Enjoy everyone!
Losing Every Thing Never Hurt So Good
Chapter 1: Ripping Out the Soul
"I don't get it Ashley! Why, why have you ignored me these past few months? Does our friendship mean nothing to you anymore?" she asked, tears falling across her face.
My heart was breaking. I didn't think it was possible. My heart was no longer with me.
"NO! What we had, our friendship, it meant the world to me!" I quickly replied.
She stepped closer to me.
"Then what is it? Why are you doing this? We've been best friends for five years! What did I do?"
"You didn't do anything. It's me. It's me, okay?"
"Please, just tell me how we can fix this. I just want to understand. You've always told me everything. Why are you hiding?"
"Because….I'm in love with you," I muttered.
I jolted out of bed. I looked around to find myself in the black of my room. I was covered in sweat, again. I've had this dream almost every night for months now. I just wanted it all to end.
"So Ashley, is there anything you specifically want to talk about today?" Dr. Simon asked.
"Well, these dreams. The ones I've told you about," I replied.
My therapist. He's been there for me for almost six months now. A week after it happened, my mom introduced us.
"What about them?"
I watched him pull out his notebook. The one that he wrote my life story in. I hated that book.
"They haven't gone away. It's the same one every night. I mean, I never had that conversation. I've never met this girl. And, I most certainly am not gay."
"You say that, but how do you know?"
"How do I know what? That I'm not gay?"
"That, but also how do you know you've never met this girl?"
"Okay, I don't know for sure whether or not I met this girl, but I'm 110 percent sure that I like boys, not girls!"
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to offend you."
"Whatever. Just, what the hell does the dream mean?"
"To be honest, I'm not 100 percent sure. I can tell you a few of my theories."
"Okay, go for it doc."
He frowned at my response.
"It might be you're mind's way of explaining a few events in your past. It could be your own way of dealing with what happened. Or…"
"Or what?!"
"Or, this girl is a symbol. A symbol for what your subconscious knows, but your conscious refuses to believe."
"What? That my best friend didn't kill herself? That she didn't say she was in love with me in the letter she left me? That she didn't scratch my name into her arms?!"
I was now crying. It's been almost six months. I miss her so much.
We were lying on the green fields that surrounded her house, staring up at the sky.
"I love watching the clouds. It makes me feel closer to something great."
I turned and faced her.
"Do you believe in God Jay?"
She shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I mean, sometimes I look around at the world's beauty, and wonder, how could there not be a greater being. Then, I watch the news. I see all the pain and hurt, and I quickly doubt it. What about you?"
"I think…I think God does exist. I mean, he must, because he gave me such a great best friend."
She smiled.
"Thanks Ashy."
I'm sitting here, in my room, holding the letter that I've read every day, every day since I found out. She killed herself at midnight, the midnight after my birthday. After we spent the whole day together, doing everything we loved. And just like I did the first time, it made me cry. I couldn't help it. Every time I read it, I realized just how much I failed her.
"What do you mean she's dead?! I was just with her. Just an hour ago!" I couldn't control my breathing. It was my first panic attack in weeks.
"Please, breathe sweetie."
"Breathe?! How the fuck am I supposed to breathe right now?! My best friend just killed herself!"
"I know that Ash, but she wouldn't want you to have a panic attack!" my mom said in tears as well. My mom always used to call Jamie my long lost twin; her other daughter; my sister. And now…she was dead.
"She left something for you," the officer said, approaching me.
"She did?" I asked looking up.
"Yeah, a letter."
He held it out to me. I took it, very hesitantly. I suddenly wanted to vomit. I didn't want to know what it said…but I did, all at the same time.
I opened it…very slowly.
Hey there Ashy. Before you read anymore, please, don't ever blame your self. Don't ever say that this was your fault, or you should've tried harder to help. It wasn't your fault that I never told you the truth. It's not your fault that I hid my life from you. You never did anything wrong. Because of you, I do believe in God. God sent me an angel and her name was Ashley Davies. Do you remember that one night I snuck into your window and slept over? We stayed up all night talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. I think I'm gonna miss that the most. Those little things we always did: Laying in the fields, listening to music for hours at a time, inside jokes, playing on the swings in your front yard, The Office marathons. I know that what I've done is probably killing you, and for that I'm sorry. I've never wanted to hurt you. Truth is Ashy, I'm…in love with you. I have been for a while now. I never told you because, well I was scared. I was scared of losing you. I would've rather kept you as my best friend, then to tell you the truth and lose you forever. I'm sorry that I was selfish in that aspect. Please Ashy, just take of your self. Remember the good, never the bad.
Love always,
JayJay
How could I have not seen it? It had to have been there, right? The thing that made me mad the most, is how I never noticed how she felt. I never would've shunned her for it, though. As much as I don't think I could've handled the truth, I still wish she had told me. We never kept secrets. But obviously, she did.
"Hey Ash," Anna greeted.
"Hey An," I replied.
We walked to French in silence. This is how it was every day. Even though we were close, she still couldn't replace my Jay, and everyone knew that.
"So, are you going to Selena's party tonight?" she asked as we sat down.
"I think so. I've been waiting for a night to just get hammered and forget, you know?"
"Yeah…I gotcha," she frowned.
"I don't mean it like what you think," I quickly said.
"How do I know that, huh? Every since she died, you've gotten shit faced every weekend and have had more one night stands than any hooker I know."
"What the fuck Anna?! You have no right to talk to me like that! I already have a God damn mother!"
"All I'm saying is, it's not healthy. She wouldn't want you doing this."
"Well she's not here, now is she?"
"No," she sighed in defeat.
"Don't you dare fucking look at me like this is my damn fault!" I yelled.
"Well it is. She cried for an hour in the bathroom. A whole God damn hour! Who else am I supposed to blame?!" Marc screamed.
"It's not my fault your bitchy girlfriend thinks she can give me advice, like I'm some sort of fucking kid."
"You're being one Ash. No one knows you anymore. Why are you doing this to your self? You think this would make Jamie happy?"
"You don't even fucking know her," I said through my teeth.
"But I did know her Ash. I knew how much she cared for you. How much it'd break her heart if she knew you were doing this!"
"Go fucking tell your girlfriend I'm sorry or whatever," I replied, walking off.