Napalm and Novocain

By: Lara Winner

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Inuyasha or its characters.

(Warning: this story contains scenes of verbal/physical domestic violence)

It was my dirty little secret.

I poke at the sickly, purple-ish red marks on my upper arm with morbid curiosity. Half sitting, half leaning on the bathroom counter, I peer into the mirror with a wince as I prod the tender flesh. The marks are from the night before and only now beginning to darken. In a few hours they will be black and ugly.

I lift my gaze a little higher to inspect a similar bruise at the base of my throat. That one is considerably smaller. It could pass for a hickey without much notice. My arm, however, will have to be covered by clothing. It looks too much like a hand print and even habitually clumsy girls only walk into door frames so many times.

A small voice in the back my mind laughs snidely. Soon they'll see through you and then they'll know the truth…

What is the truth? I can't remember the defining moment when everything became a lie. For too long I've hidden behind my smile. Those who believe they know me only see what I allow them to see and in these moments when I am left to face my own reflection it frightens the hell out of me.

Who is the empty shell looking back at me?

I know the face well enough. Wide gray eyes, pert nose, pouting lips and peaches and cream skin. I'm no beauty or anything but I suppose I'd pass for attractive. If I smile just right my features light up. But the truth? The truth remains in my eyes. I can't quite get the vacant look out of them.

So that's who Kagome Higurashi is… a lie. No more real than her smile that fools everyone.

There are small measures of truth. I make good grades in college, I love to read, I have plenty friends… all simple little distinctions that are almost like accessories to a personality that should be easy to decipher. But underneath my carefully pristine image there is only chaos and pain.

I don't share those nasty little truths. They are mine and I hold them tightly, a measure of cold comfort when I find myself alone with only that awful, seeping emptiness to keep me company.

Unfortunately, now is not the time for a minor breakdown. The day is just beginning and my first class starts in little over an hour. Almost reluctantly I reach for the compact beside me and began to apply the ivory base to my bruised skin with a skilled hand. Other cosmetics follow and in a matter of moments the image of a prefect stranger stares back at me.

She smiles.

We're riding in his car. Inuyasha's amber gaze remains fixed on the road ahead as I stare out of the passenger side window. I pay no mind to the low humming of the engine echoing in the otherwise silent car. My thoughts are as far away as the twinkling stars that dust the evening sky.

I guess that with anyone else the stifling quiet would be tense and a bit awkward, but Inuyasha and I are beyond such casual pretenses.

We have a past. It wasn't much, mostly a one-sided obsession that I offhandedly refer to as my first crush. It's something I can laugh about now that I'm older and able to look back on the years gone by for what they are, even if residual feelings are still there.

That desperate need I had once felt for Inuyasha has changed. I'm no longer smitten. It's something else now, something I don't know how to come to terms with.

A tired sigh escapes me, drawing a side long glance from Inuyasha. I know he's confused as to why I called him earlier and asked him to take me for a ride anywhere, just as long as I could get out of Dad's house.

We haven't spoken since he picked me up. I'll talk when I'm ready, he knows that, and he won't barrage me with questions because that's just not his style. It's sort of ironic how comfortable I feel with him when he's part of the turmoil I need to escape. Then again, he knows me as well as another person can. In every way possible.

But a lot has happened in the last six years. A lot has changed.

The passing street lights glitter off the small sapphire ring on my finger. I twist it, watching the play of sparkles as that lost feeling engulfs me once more. I'm not sure what I'm trying to prove. My boyfriend Suikotsu would absolutely freak if he knew I was with Inuyasha right now, especially after I deliberately used studying for my upcoming mid-terms as an excuse not to see him tonight.

The ring was his gift. Suikotsu gave it to me just last month on the eve of our two year anniversary. It should have been a token of love but I suspect it's more to make up for the heated argument we'd had the night before. He seems to think buying trinkets can make up for his horrible temper and the cruel things he says and does. The damn ring has felt like a weight ever since he slipped it on my finger.

I know it's my own fault for agreeing to wear it. But all the discontent in the world doesn't give me the courage to destroy all of my carefully built illusions.

Forcing that thought away I look back at my companion. Not for the first time I absorb the drastic contrast between Inuyasha and Suikotsu.

For starters Inuyasha, being a hanyou, has an untamed look about him. His shock of silver hair is messy despite being pulled back, one of his furry ears is pierced with a sliver hoop while there's a piercing in his tongue as well and he always manages to looks like he's just rolled out of bed after a night of rough sex. As usual he's dressed in a faded t-shirt, scruffy jeans and his well-worn leather jacket. For being a self-proclaimed bad ass his overall appearance fits the part remarkably well. In the dim light of the car I catch a peek of a tattoo rising just above the collar of his t-shirt on the backside of his neck.

Suikotsu, on the other hand, is anything but rough around the edges. He's a doctor in the first year of his residency and coming from old money, his style reflects his wealthy upbringing. Ever polite and cultured, it only adds to his charm that he is handsome with understated good looks that mesh very well with his preppy flair. And he is human through and through. There's no doubt about which one of them my father prefers.

"You're staring."

Inuyasha's soft chuckle brakes the stillness between us and I look away, a light blush staining my cheeks. "I was just thinking," I mutter.

When I don't elaborate he needles, "About…?"

I glance back and smirk. "That to look at us we make quite an odd pair."

And it is true. If Inuyasha wasn't my older brother Miroku's roommate and lifelong friend we would never have socialized in the same circles. He's a metal punk and I'm a yuppie wanna-be. Talk about strange bed fellows.

"Keh, I guess," he shrugs, as if he's never considered that before. "You know, you come up with the weirdest shit sometimes."

"Whatever," I roll my eyes, turning back to the window once more.

It's his turn to smirk. "So do you have a destination in mind or am I going to waste a tank of gas? That crap is expensive."

"Go wherever you want. I just needed to get out of the house," I sigh, "I'm sorry to bother you. I know you have better things to do than baby-sit me."

"Nah. If it was a problem I'd tell you."

And Inuyasha would because he's painfully honest like that. It's one of the things I lo- like about him. If only I could be half as honest with myself then maybe I wouldn't be under so much pressure.

"I'm thinking of transferring colleges," I blurt out abruptly, diving into one of the many decisions I'd been pondering lately. The safest one.

"You're almost through with your second year. It took you this long to figure out you don't like the university?" He asks incredulously.

"It's not the school itself. I think I need to leave here for a while. I've been thinking of transferring far away."

His eyes narrow. "Exactly how far away?"

"A different continent maybe," I admit.

This time Inuyasha's laugh is sardonic. "Okay don't you think that's a bit much?"

Again I look at the unassuming ring and it glints cheerily back at me. Do I really have the guts to run away? Probably not. I liked to think a fresh start would be the answer to the hollowness I feel eating away at me. But more than likely it will only be another distraction and the novelty of my new surroundings won't last long. Soon enough I'll be miserably homesick.

"Sometimes I just wish I could disappear," I reply softly.

Inuyasha glances at me again, frowning, "What's gotten into you lately? You've been all gloom and doom and crap. You need to snap out of it."

All my perfectly built illusions…

"Doesn't everyone think about new beginnings now and again?" I quip, forcing a light tone, knowing there are some things I can't bring myself to tell him.

"Well yeah but… what the hell do you have to complain about? You're the only person I know that's got their shit together. Believe me. I don't mind being your sounding board when you need to vent but you've got the perfect set up. I mean, fuck Kagome, enjoy it."

I level his profile with a tolerant look. "You know nothing is ever perfect."

"Ahh," he says with a knowing nod of his head, "I got it now. You and money-bags had another fight."

"Money-bags" is Inuyasha's favorite dig for Suikotsu and I ignore it as usual. "I really don't want to talk about him right now."

"Fair enough." He falls silent for a long moment but when he speaks again his voice holds a note of envy, "At least your relationship is better off than mine. I swear Kikyou is gonna be the death of me."

Of course he just has to mention her. Another reminder of how childish I am to cling to the past. The sapphire twinkles and another piece of my heart goes numb.

"You two are made for each other," I quote, repeating what Miroku seems to think. "I'm sure you'll work things out."

"Yeah yeah yeah," He grouses.

Since Inuyasha seems to expect it, I smile, but it never reaches my eyes.

The dance music is loud and the base thrums through my chest like a second heartbeat. I hold back the urge to cough from the strange sensation but remain in close proximity to the large speakers all the same. It's a convenient excuse not to have to talk to anyone since the music would be too loud to hear them.

It's Miroku's birthday. His long time girlfriend Sango along with a few of their friends have pooled finances and rented a beach house for the weekend to celebrate his twenty-third birthday with a killer party. Being his sister, I was obliged to attend.

The entire living room is converted into a dance floor with the sound system set up in front of the fire place. From where I stand I watch the throng of writhing bodies with little interest.

Taking a sip of the red liquid in my plastic cup, my nose wrinkles. The concoction is supposed to be some sort of fruit punch but I taste more alcohol than anything else. The feeling of uneasiness curling in my gut tightens painfully and I take another liberal swallow hoping to take the edge off.

I have no reason to be nervous. I know all of Miroku's close friends and a few of our cousins have shown up as well. While there are also many people I don't recognize no one seems to be paying me much attention. I should have been in a festive mood ready to mingle and have fun, but the truth is I'm wishing I could be anywhere else at the moment.

A warm touch comes to rest on my shoulder, long slim fingers curling around to caress the side of my neck in an intimately possessive gesture. I don't look up at Suikotsu. Instead I notice he's nursing a newly refilled bourbon and seven. That would make it number three. He's just getting started.

I feel him lean closer and then his lips press a soft kiss to my temple. Through the corner of my eye I catch Sango's knowing smirk.

There's only a moment of panic, where it flares to a fine peak almost consuming me, and then it's gone leaving only that blissful numbness that seems to fester within me. Smiling, I lean into his side and forced my stiff muscles to relax.

It's not long until he nudges me to get my attention and motions with his drink for me to follow. Ever the obedient girlfriend, I comply. He leads me through the kitchen and out the side door onto the deck that overlooks the ocean. Outside the night air is cool in comparison to the body heat indoors. A gentle breeze goes right through my thin summer dress and I shiver.

"Are you cold baby?" His voice is smooth as velvet.

I shrug, "A little."

He laughs huskily and leans down to whisper in my ear. "We can take a walk down to the cove and I could warm you up."

His lips brush my skin sending a tingle all the way down to my toes. The traitorous tingle turns into a pulse of heat as he slides his hand to the small of my back, down the curve of my hip and back up again.

Suikotsu smirks triumphantly, as if knowing I'm losing the battle before it even begins. "I doubt anyone will miss us."

I turn to him, knowing better than to trust his charming smile. I want to deny him. I want to so badly… but my heart thumps and my breath stutters as his fingers knead my hip. I weaken under his cinnamon stare, my body's betrayal sapping my resistance. "Alright."

"Good girl," He says, far more smug than he has any right to be.

I bristle but my scathing retort remains unspoken as Suikotsu leans in close for a thorough kiss. His hand tangles in my hair holding my head just right so I can not pull away. He nibbles at my bottom lip until they part and takes the kiss a step further as my body reacts with a mind of its own and curves closer to his.

Even though my blood hums with sexual energy there is a small part of me, deep down in the shadows of my being, that he will never be able to reach and it mocks me keeping me from completely losing myself to the cheap thrill of his touch.

I could forgive myself if there was honesty here but when he touches me like this it's rarely Suikotsu I'm thinking of. Another little white lie…

"Oi, can't you two get a room! There's plenty upstairs!"

The sarcastic shout has me jerking back with a mortified blush as everyone within hearing range turns to look at us.

Suikotsu curses, casting a murderous scowl over my shoulder. "No one is forcing you to watch Inuyasha," He snaps, adding under his breath, "Dickhead…"

"And I sure as hell don't want a free show so why don't you take it somewhere else." Inuyasha mouths back.

I take a large gulp of my spiked juice before turning to face Inuyasha. He winks at me. I know he's teasing me and trying to piss off Suikotsu in the process, and it works. Suikotsu is fuming. Not a good combination when added to the fact that he's been drinking. I start to tell Inuyasha to leave well enough alone but just then Kikyou appears looping her arm in his, stealing his attention.

Just that quickly I'm forgotten. A pang of bitterness twists my heart before I seek a fitting distraction. Taking Suikotsu's hand I grin at him impishly, "How about we take that walk now?"

Sometime later Suikotsu and I make our way back to the house. I'm still shaking sand out from uncomfortable places as we approach the steps that lead up to the deck. A quick glance tells me that we are both hopelessly rumpled and anyone with half a brain will give an educated guess as to why.

We didn't have sex. Despite Suikotsu's cajoling I'm not about to do that on a beach where anyone could happen upon us. Still, we'd done just enough to keep a contented smile on his face and the private romp also allowed time for the alcohol to wear off a bit.

I'm not about to lecture him on drinking. I've made that mistake once before and it's not something I intend do again. So instead I use other methods to try and keep him mellow. If it helps me from having to deal with a mean drunk later then it's well worth the effort.

But I'm tired. It's mentally exhausting trying to constantly stay one step ahead of him just so I can avoid these horrible arguments. One day I'll get the courage to end this chimera of a perfect relationship. But I can't say when so I keep telling myself tomorrow. Only problem with that is one tomorrow has turned into two and two turned into a month and that month will eventually become another year that I will never get back.

I've asked myself a thousand times why I stay and every time the answer is the same. He's what I'm used to. He is someone to have because the one I long for doesn't notice me. He not always cruel. My father adores him. Everyone says we make a good pair.

But there are darker, masochistic reasons. Sometimes the pain is a thrill and other times it simply reminds me that I'm alive and I can still feel something. Maybe he's right. I deserve it. And what would everyone else think if they found out the truth? Would they call me weak for staying or would they pity me? Would I disgust them? Maybe they would blame me too.

Not that it really matters? Everyday I stay it becomes that much harder to leave. Perhaps I'm already past the point of no return.

My melancholy thoughts are interrupted the moment Sango spies me.

"Kagome where have you been?" the older girl exclaims, "I've tried looking everywhere for you. You've got to come see this. Bankoutsu brought his karaoke box and we've convinced your brother to give it a try."

Caught off guard, I blink. "Eh… Miroku's going to sing?"

"I know," Sango laughed, "Inuysaha's hunting down a video camera as we speak."

"This I have to see," Suikotsu snickers.

"Yeah no kidding," I agree.

As we follow Sango back into the house I notice that most of the crowd has thinned out while we were gone. Miroku, our cousin Bankoutsu and two guys that I recognize as Miroku's co-workers are setting up the wiring from the karaoke box to the speakers while Inuysaha is busy looking over their shoulders telling them how to do it. The girls are making themselves comfortable on the sofas and chairs scattered around the large room.

I force myself to relax as Suikotsu wraps his arms around me from behind but my nerves will not settle so easily. There is a sense of anticipation in the air. Something is going to go wrong, I can feel it.

It's hard for me to get caught up in the humor as Bankoutsu takes a turn singing first. Then Miroku lives up to his word and gives it a shot. To my surprise he isn't half bad. His voice has a soft tenor that carries well but I suspect that if he were actually sober he would sound even better.

The razing continues and several other reluctant people get coerced into giving karaoke a shot. When they turn on me I practically run for the door.

"Come on Kagome," Miroku prods, "You took choir for years. I know you can hold a tune better than half of these losers. Show them how it's done."

"I'm really not that good…"

Miroku laughs, "Sure you are. Just one song."

"I'm not doing it."

"Just one song," he repeats, being unusually pushy.

"Nope, I'm not singing," I insist wiggling against Suikotsu trying to get out of his hold and away from my tipsy brother.

"I'll sing." Suikotsu offers, a little too good naturedly in my opinion.

While it appeases my brother and his friends, I look at Suikotsu sharply trying to judge what game he's playing now. But he just flashes me a secretive smile that sets my internal warning bells ringing.

The song is simple and purposely romantic. His eyes never stray from mine as he sings and when the song ends he continues to watch me, almost expectantly.

"I love you Kagome," he says and waits for the feminine "oohs" and "awws" to quiet before he pulls a small velvet box from his pocket. It's then the pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place. Sango's knowing looks, Miroku's pestering, the tension I'd felt in the air all evening…

Grasping my hand Suikotsu flashes me a photo worthy grin, "Will you marry me?"

I can't speak. I can't even breathe. The air is literally lodged in my throat as the ground seems to fall out from beneath me. Panic nearly overwhelms me as the last ember of hope I have to ever be free seems to fade out right before my eyes.

I could say no. Theoretically it would be easy. But over twenty pairs of eyes are trained on us, waiting for my answer. If I say no they will want to know why. My father will disown me. If I deny Suikotsu not only will he be humiliated, he will be livid.

If I say no he will kill me.

In the split second it takes for those realizations to hit me with brutal force my mind is already resigned to the inevitable choice. The lies come all too easy. But will it ever stop?

Tears of frustration brim in my eyes and still I find myself whispering yes. Suikotsu beams with complete satisfaction. Our audience applauds mistaking my tears of resentment for those of happiness. As he slips the sparkling diamond onto my finger, it isn't just muted anger that consumes me. This time I feel something vital die.

"It's freakin' huge!"

The excited squeal nearly rises above the hum of the bustling campus coffee house. A table over three guys snicker and I blush beet red. "I'm glad you like my ring Eri."

"Ring? Honey that's a rock. I knew you snagged a hottie but I never realized he was that loaded. It must have cost a fortune," Yuka practically screeches.

"It belonged to his mother," I explain with noticeably less enthusiasm, "She insisted he use it for his own engagement."

"Aww Kagome, you're the first one of us to get engaged. And he serenaded you first and then asked you in front of everyone. That's so romantic." Ayumi sighs dreamily, her doe eyes sparkling.

As my three friends drool over the sparkly diamond, I sip on my mocha latte and pray to every Kami I know for patience. "I could have done without everyone watching," I admit.

"But why?" Eri asks, aghast, "That's part of what makes it so special. He wanted everyone to know how much he loves you silly."

"Maybe. But you have no idea how weird it is to have everyone staring at you waiting for you to answer," I cringe at the memory, "It was like I was cornered."

"As if you were going to say no." Yuka scoffs, "Suikotsu is the best thing that ever happened to you. Guys like him don't come along too often so you had better hold onto him with both hands."

That was the very point my father drove home at every opportunity. Of course my friends would feel that way too. My stomach tightens and I push the rest of my coffee away, suddenly feeling sick.

It feels strangely like invisible walls are closing in on me. Is Yuka right? I know things aren't how I want them to be between Suikotsu and I, but maybe it is my fault. What if I'm simply not trying hard enough? He always says I don't know when to shut up, and so he has a temper and it doesn't take much to set him off… Is that really so bad?

Still that rebellious part of me beats against those invisible walls like a madwoman, screaming and clawing; Yes, it says, it's bad for you and no matter how much you lie the truth is you don't really want this. You can't let everyone else make this decision for you. They don't know the other side of him. They're not the ones he pushes around behind closed doors…

But is the happiness I seek worth the price? Can I truly destroy the flawless "Kagome" that everyone adores? For as long as I can remember I have judged my accomplishments through the eyes of others. When have I ever broken the mold solely to please myself? It seems far too late to start now.

"If I could get Jiro to give me a ring he'd be worth keeping too," Eri jokes.

As the conversation changes direction I laugh along with Yuka and Ayumi. And if my friends notice that my smile isn't quite as bright as it should be, they don't comment.

A.N.- So in the true fashion of being a glutton for punishment and because I really should know better by now, I've resumed working on this story.

I started this years ago when at that time I had a co-worker who was going through an abusive relationship. She thankfully ended it before it got too bad but when we talked about it she gave me an interesting insight as to how these things happen even thought you know it's not healthy. This fic in particular is difficult to write because Kagome is a strong character and putting her in this situation while trying to keep her from becoming completely ooc is a struggle.

Worry not, the story is far from over. I am using my mother-in-law's computer to post this so don't freak out if it takes me a little while to update again. I'm saving up for a new laptop since my old one sadly passed away.