Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot line. The characters belong to their owners of course.

Dear Diary

Chapter 1: Truth

"Truth: An Ingenious compund of desirability and appearance."

Ambrose Bierce

Dear Diary,

My day always begins the same way. I get out of bed, a titanic struggle, no matter what time I rise. I drink my coffee and wait for the caffeine to take effect. It never seems to work fast enough for me. Of course my cats never let me finish the first cup before they are begging to be fed. I always think about him when I'm feeding my cats. I always wonder if he likes cats.

Everyday I go to work and either slog through paperwork or close a cold case. I often wonder what things would be like if I had always walked a beat or stayed in the homicide division. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and the people I work with, but I still wonder. I worry about my sister too. Scotty still thinks that I don't know about the two of them. He doesn't realize that Lt. Stillman, John, tells me everything concerning my sister and Scotty. John is a good guy. He may notice Scotty's trysts, but he seems oblivious to the looks I give him. I have yet to decide if it's deliberate or not. I like to think its not because that would hurt more. If he doesn't realize I care about him then I can still pretend that I have a snowball's chance in hell with him. Maybe he thinks he's too old, maybe he sees me as a daughter (I hope not. No daughter should feel this way about her father). I guess I desire him. It's more than that though. I love him. I love his compassion and gentleness, everything about him…

Lilly Rush set aside her pen and notebook. Scotty watched her put it away. He always watched her. She pretended not to notice, as she placed her bag on her desk. What Scotty didn't know was that Lilly knew he only took up with her sister as a replacement for her. He would never have a chance with her though. She loved another. Lilly gathered up her things and shut down her computer. It looked like it was going to be another long night alone.

"Want me to walk you out Lil?" Scotty asked. She shook her head. She could already see Stillman walking toward the exit.

"No thanks. I'm fine, Scotty." She answered and started out the door. Lilly waited until they were both out of sight of the offices before she caught up with the Lieutenant and tapped him on the shoulder. He looked up and smiled softly at her.

"Calling it quits?" Stillman asked as she matched his stride.

"Yeah. Someone has to feed the cats." Lilly answered.

"I gave up pets. I'm not home enough to take care of one, not to mention my ex took our dog when we separated…" He trailed off as the reached the lobby of the building.

"I like my cats. They're misfits in this world, a lot like me." Lilly answered. While she was sorry that John and his wife had divorced, she was also secretly happy. It meant there was one less obstacle to overcome it she ever got up the nerve to ask him out. Of course fraternization with a superior officer was a big offense, but she didn't particularly care. After all a person's heart only knows love, it doesn't understand rank.

Stillman brought her back to the present when he placed a hand on her back as he escorted her to her car. He waited until she was in the car before he turned to get into his own.

"Do you have dinner plans?" She asked softly. He turned to look at her.

"No, but I don't think it's a good idea." He had a warning in his eyes. Lilly briefly thought about ignoring it, but decided against it. She shrugged gently as though she didn't care and shut her car door. She was gone a moment later and Stillman was left to contemplate the flash of her taillights.

On his way home, he wondered if perhaps he had misread her invitation to dinner. Perhaps she hadn't been trying to start something that would get them both in trouble. The more he thought about it, the more he felt ashamed for jumping to a conclusion. He glanced at the time on the radio face, noting she would have already been home for 10 minutes. At the next light he turned around and headed toward her house.

Stillman paused at the front door. He wasn't sure why he was there and hesitated for a moment longer. He tried to think it through but every time he conjured an image of her face with her soft blonde hair falling into her eyes and the jealousy that surged every time Scotty stared at her. Almost without realizing it, he knocked on the door. The sound seemed to echo in his ears and he wanted to take it back, but it was like trying to unring a bell, all you can do is wait for the sound to fade.

Lilly paused in her search for a pan. She heard the knock ad her thoughts immediately turned to Scotty. He had showed up at her house more than once in the last few months. She hoped however it was someone else. The surprise must have shown momentarily on her face because Stillman raised an eyebrow.

"Does the dinner invitation still stand?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, come in." Lilly stepped aside and led him into the kitchen. "Have a seat." She gestured to the barstools next to the island in her kitchen. She tried to remember what she had been looking for, but his presence was distracting. She kept looking at him as though she was trying to make sure he was still there, to make sure that she wasn't imagining things.

"Lilly." He paused, unsure of what to say. "Maybe I shouldn't have come." He whispered, almost to himself.

"Don't leave." She turned to face him, panic in her eyes.

"I think I should. Its not as good idea to be here, its too tempting." She moved around the island so she was standing right in front of him. There was no way he could deny what was in her eyes at that distance. He could only accept it or walk away. Lilly saw his decision a moment too late as he stepped back to reclaim his coat. Her next words stopped him in his tracks.

" I know you don't feel the same way and even if you did, I know we cant. But I love you. I have for a long time, and I will for a lot longer. I can't help it. You don't have to worry though. You'll never see it again. I'll see you in the office tomorrow, sir."

It was the softly spoken 'sir' that did him in. It was a sucker punch to the gut. She had never really called him 'sir' and meant it. He reached out and turned her back to face him, and raised her eyes to his. In them she saw all she had ever wanted from him shinning through. Then he blinked and shuttered it away. She nodded in understanding and squeezed his hand. He left then, leaving her to an empty kitchen.

Lilly smiled to herself. Her love was returned and unknowingly Stillman, John, had given her the means to unlock his resolve. He should have known better than to show her so much. She was a detective after all.

"Well John, you can't unring a bell." She said to herself with a soft smile.

"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all of you heart"

Marcus Aurelius