A/N: I have no idea why I can't just stick to one story. I yelled at my T.V. yesterday. I watched the very last episode of season 2. Dear God, Elliot was kind of an assflake. Yeah, I use words like "Assflake." and "Fucknut" or "Fucktard." Fuck anything really. What does that have to do with what I'm writing, you ask? Absolutely nothing.
Elliot wouldn't shut up. He had been going on and on for weeks. Kathy, Kathy, Kathy. Who cares? Certainly not Olivia Benson, who was now being informed for the fifteenth time that Kathy's birthday was next week.
Why did he think it mattered to her. She and Kathy weren't friends. Far from it. Kathy had everything Olivia wanted. Elliot, kids, a perfect little house to go along with her perfect little family. Olivia despised Kathy. She even looked it up in the dictionary once, just to be sure it had a good enough definition of what she felt for the woman.
Still, Elliot was excited. Maybe she could get the bitch a present. No, bad idea. She'd probably end up buying her a license plate that said "#1 Bitch." across it, or something equally offensive.
As the day drew near Elliot only talked about it more and more. Olivia wanted to kill him.
"Pissydamnfuckyflakes! Elliot, I get it. 2 days. We all understand. Cool your jets and shut the fuck up already." She told him in the calmest voice she could muster.
"Jeez, can't a man be excited for his wife anymore?" Elliot mumbled under his breath.
The night before Kathy's birthday Olivia decided maybe she would do a little something for her after all. Olivia walked across her apartment to her computer. She downloaded a song she felt was appropriate. She then took a disc and put it in, so she could burn it onto a Cd.
After that Olivia put the Cd into a holder and scribbled "Happy Birthday Kathy" across the front. Next she left her apartment, heading to the parking garage to get into her vehicle.
This was going to be good. She was almost laughing already. Olivia only wished she could be there to see the look on everyone's faces. Finally she made it to that perfect little house in Queens. Home of the Stabler family.
She quickly put the Cd into their mailbox and drove away, pleased with herself. Hopefully no one would figure out it was her.
Early the next morning Kathy came outside to check the mail. She was overjoyed when she saw the Cd inside. She was having great birthday already. Elliot was making her breakfast, the twins had given her a card they had made earlier in the week. She could tell that Maureen had signed it for them.
Around lunch time Kathy's friends started showing up. They all greeted her with hugs and kisses on the cheek. They sat around and talked about everything and nothing. Mostly boring housewife stuff. Kathy finally decided that a little music would be nice. She was dying to see what was on the Cd she had gotten that morning.
She went over to the stereo and picked up the Cd. Putting it in, she pressed play. The song sounded like square dancing music. She wondered who the hell would send her square dancing music.
Then she heard the lyrics.
Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun
And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song
Happy birthday!
Now you're one year older!
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn't over!
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough
So let's drink to your fading health
And hope you don't remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year
Does it feel like you're doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer
Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You're starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone
If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice
But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might
Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, dear...
Kathy was shocked to say the least. A couple of her friends were giggling to themselves. Elliot had heard the whole thing. He went over and picked up the case. He knew that hand writing. He quickly made his way to the kitchen to make a phone call.
she picked up on the second ring.
"Benson." He heard her say.
"Olivia, what the hell?"
"What? What happened?" She asked, knowing perfectly well what happened. It took everything she had not to burst out laughing right there.
"Why would you send Kathy that song? She's very upset." Elliot said sounding angry all the while.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Elliot. Why would I send your wife a song?" She played dumb.
Elliot decided it wasn't worth it.
"Are you sure it wasn't you?" He asked, even though he knew it was her. He wasn't stupid.
"Wasn't me."
"Fine. I'll see you at work on Monday." He said with a huff.
"Alright. Bye, El. See you Monday." Olivia replied as she hung up the phone.
The second she put the phone down the room burst with laughter. Olivia and Casey sat and shared ice cream and laughs for the rest of the night.
"Happy birthday Kathy." They both said as they each dug into their own tub of ice cream.
I spent like 3 hours listening to that song, right before I wrote this. I did a little jig too. I had the worst cramp ever. I honestly thought I was going to die. Couldn't walk for a bit. I'm easily amused. Yay me! On a less meaningful note (which I wasn't aware was possible until this moment.) I stole a picture of my friend from my brother. I pretty pleased with myself.