So... yeah, I've always liked the character of Cullen. He's a complicated guy who has seen way too much but seems to have managed to evolve from it. His transition into his roll in Dragon Age II was surprising - especially since when we last saw him in Dragon Age: Origins he was spitting venom, ready to purge every mage from Thedas - and he shows a far more reasonable perspective than before. And now we're seeing a lot more detail on what role he'll play in Inquisition.
ANYWAY - I wrote this in 2012 and with the newer postings on DA:I, my fan girl imagination was going again, so I thought I'd share this little burble.
Thank you, Lisa, for your beta-tasticness and for looking at this in 2012 and 2014!
Purpose
Katherine Hawke stood in the center of the rebel faction's camp and shuddered. The fighting was over, her brother safe and rescued, but now the panic and fear that her adrenaline had kept at bay was threatening to overwhelm her.
Those who had fought at her side, friends who had been with her for years, recognized her need to be alone and so lingered at a distance, remaining close to the path that would lead their group away from the campsite.
She didn't hurry to join them.
Carver had come so close to death today and for what? For the revenge of a mad blood mage? The fear of magic? She felt her body begin to tremble, her fear and barely checked fury vibrating through her. Must it always be this way? Magic was supposed to be a gift, wasn't it? Yet in so many ways it was little more than a crippling burden.
Her father was dead, a lunatic necromancer had murdered her mother and her little sister was gone, her magic too weak to stop the ogre that would take her from them all. And her brother was always so irate and jealous of magic that he'd willingly taken up the role of templar, a choice that still made her stomach churn. Had it not been for the compassion and interest of the knight-captain, she had little doubt she'd have lost her brother to his pathological need to be angry with her, to blame her for every slight injustice he'd ever endured.
So here she stood, eyes closed, in the center of a blood-soaked camp, the bodies of templars and magi strewn everywhere, the conflict between the two sides no better for the sacrifices made here. In her heart of hearts, she knew a war was upon them, but how to protect those she loved… that she didn't yet see.
She sensed someone hovering close to her, could hear the familiar scraping sound of his heavy armor.
Cullen.
She didn't need to open her eyes to know it was him, his presence as familiar and desired by her more than any other. The irony of who she loved was not lost on her. The man her heart yearned for would never be reached by her love; their duties, his vows and her magic would forever separate them.
And yet…
They'd never spoken of what was between them, she and Cullen, but she knew her love wasn't unanswered: his quiet words and longing glances had betrayed his stern countenance years ago. The urge to throw herself into his strong arms had nearly won her over today, and she turned away, desperate not to betray them to others, walking quickly toward a vacant pathway, needing to put distance between them.
She paused close to Fenris and Sebastian, quietly telling her companions that she would return to Kirkwall on her own, fully ignoring their arguments against her decision as she stalked down the deserted path alone.
xXx
Cullen watched her hurry away, and felt his heart drop. She was scared and upset, he'd seen it in her eyes, and everything inside of him cried out to comfort her, but he'd stopped himself from chasing after her.
What good could he do?
He'd struggled with his feelings for her over the last six years. Their first encounter, one which took place not too far from where they were now, was still vivid in his mind. She'd aided him in defeating a templar who'd become possessed, a malicious plot by blood mages, and saved his life.
He'd wondered at her then, her features familiar to him, and he so obviously a templar, yet she'd risked her very freedom to care for his injuries. She'd freely shared the information she'd gathered regarding the templar recruits and from that day forward, they'd worked together to end the threat. He'd later learned that she was the cousin of a young woman he'd once cared for; cared for during a time when he'd still been innocent and untouched by the evils of magic.
A time ripped away from him in the cruelest of ways.
Her likening should have quashed any peace he found in her company, her lovely eyes so similar to another's, but he'd been drawn to her from the start, and he'd sensed she shared his attraction.
Their relationship had long since grown beyond business -partnering together when circumstances permitted them to - and far more than templar and apostate. Theirs was a true friendship, one built on mutual respect and consideration, a feat considering the world readily pitted them against one another.
He'd spent most of his life as a templar, but he still knew what it was to desire a woman, still wished for what could never be, and he recognized the return of such feelings. He'd seen it in Katherine's eyes when she'd come to love him, and had felt the thrill of it in his heart, a thrill he'd then frantically hurried to subdue.
Katherine had long been a source of ire for Knight-Commander Meredith, and Cullen knew that even the slightest provocation, real or not, would result in Katherine's arrest, and that Meredith would inflict the Rite of Tranquility upon her. The very idea made his palms sweat, vows or no; he wouldn't allow Katherine to suffer at Meredith's hands.
The confrontation between his superior officer and the woman he secretly loved was rapidly approaching, its inevitability seen by even the most uninvolved bystander. Kirkwall was a pot set to boil over, the eon long power-struggle between those with magic and those bound by the Maker to control it was rapidly coming to a head.
And now this?
His people defying their orders, mages and templars banding together, a thing one normally hoped for, but their defiance would only damage the already volatile situation further.
Once again, Katherine was caught in the center of the very worst of storms, and again, her own family was threatened.
Carver, her only living family – and a Templar – had been taken hostage by both magi and templar alike. The battle to free him had been brutal, but beyond it, the factions holding Carver had been a mix of each side of the struggle. The implications were staggering.
But they could wait.
Cullen watched her argue quietly with her friends, both good men that he knew were diligent in their efforts to safeguard her. He had faith that they would see her home, and hoped they would ease her pain, a thing he would not be allowed to do.
He tried to remain unaffected by her obvious distress, but when she moved to snatch up her pack from the ground and walked away on an isolated path, he was going after her before he realized he was moving. Suddenly aware that others may be observing him, he cleared his throat.
He would not leave her alone – could not – and decided to act.
He made eye contact with his lieutenant and issued his orders. "Night will soon fall. Report to the compound in Kirkwall for the night and ensure the prisoners are secured. I will join you there shortly; I need to speak with the Champion."
The templars responded instantly and began to leave the camp in a single file line. Cullen crossed the space quickly and then spoke to Sebastian and Fenris.
"Fenris, Brother Vael, thank you for your assistance today," he said formally. "I regret the circumstances of this event, but fear my work in this matter is far from complete. I must speak with Hawke, there are many questions still unanswered and I have no wish to return to my commander without the information I need. With your consent, I will see the Champion home."
Fenris arched an eyebrow, and Sebastian studied Cullen closely before he quietly nodded his agreement. The archer took up his quiver and said his farewell, Fenris following his comrade up the path. Cullen watched the men depart, not surprised to see the warrior elf pause before he was gone from view.
"Have a care, templar," the elf warned. "Hawke is… weary of these trials."
Sebastian leaned in and whispered in his friend's ear and the two men turned and left.
Cullen sighed and followed Katherine's path.
xXx
She heard him coming around the bend but didn't stand. Her staff and sack hung from a jagged rock and she was settled in the warm sand, her fingers toying with the gritty dryness of it as she watched the sun begin to set.
His footsteps stopped directly behind her and neither spoke. She heard him unstrap his gauntlets and they soon fell to the ground, the sand absorbing their rattle as they landed by her knee. Without thinking she picked one up and caressed it.
"I'm fine, Cullen, really," she said quietly, turning his gauntlet in her hand. "You don't need to be concerned."
"I have long since had no choice in the matter," he replied. "Concern for you tends to be at the forefront of my feelings."
She turned and gazed up at him before she reached out and took his hand. She was surprised at how warm it was and at the roughness of his skin. He held her gaze steadily, his heart showing in his eyes.
"Yes," she answered. "We've shared that for some time, our concern for one another."
He nodded, his eyes never leaving hers. "Tell me why you did not return with Fenris and Brother Vael. Allow me to help."
She sighed and shook her head. "Thank you, but I try to keep my pity parties private, Cullen, and besides, I don't believe you can help. I don't know that anyone can."
"Do you believe that I want to?"
"Of course," she said softly.
He sat down beside her, his leg against hers. "Then let me try."
She smiled slightly, touched by his sincerity, and nodded. "Alright," she replied with a shrug. "Remember, though, you asked."
He took her hand back into his own and waited.
"My entire life has, and is, controlled by magic, and it's a gift, I don't forget that, but sometimes… " She paused, seeming to search for the words. "Every choice, every action and thought must be guarded lest a demon sees me slip in my diligence or a templar is near. Carver is unable to forgive me for being a mage and I have never found a way to convince him that I don't seek… that I don't wish… " Her words trailed off as she sighed. "And now, he's finally starting to feel like he's out from under my shadow -the one he believes I've purposely cast- and he very nearly dies because some frenzied idiots wanted to get to me."
"We cannot control the actions of others, Katherine," he said softly. "These people here today saw only the importance of their own desires."
"Ah, right, desperate times and all that," she said with a false laugh. "Yes, I know about such things." She pulled her hand from his and looked away. "I really should think nothing of their efforts to murder my baby brother, or of the mindless slaughter they seem to have no worry over causing. After all, such brutality has become commonplace, hasn't it?"
He watched her chin tremble and took her hand back in his. "You must be strong, Katherine. Do not let their depravity take your hope," he said with conviction. "You are a bright light amongst this darkness and you cannot let them rob you of faith. Things will get better."
"Will they?" she asked in a distant voice. "I can't remember a time when things haven't been bad, not since the Blight anyway," she admitted. "My parents are dead, my sister mutilated before my eyes and my brother," she shook her head and sighed, "my brother is very likely lost to me."
"There has been more happy than sad since your arrival," he reminded her gently. "Your friends, your fortune…"
"Cullen, it changes nothing! The city is on a precipice and there's little doubt in anyone's mind that Kirkwall will soon pitch over. My friends, my fortune, my influence, none of them can prevent this! The mages of the Circle are desperate and clearly resorting to the most terrible of choices and the templars face no better circumstances! They either accept Meredith and become a monster or defy her and face… Maker knows what. Carver isn't safe and you," she shuddered, her voice meek as she finished her sentence, "you, dear Cullen, you aren't, either."
"Katherine…"
"But the decision is impossible, isn't it? Go over the proverbial cliff, the plunge unknown, and hope for the best or leave and put as much distance between you and the fall as possible," she continued.
She looked at him, tears in her eyes.
"I made a choice like this before, I stayed here, even when the conflict with the Qunari was painfully imminent, and I never questioned that I'd done the right thing for Kirkwall. But now… now I wonder if it was some cruelty inflicted on my part, if I didn't save the city from one misery only to deliver it safely into the hands of the next," she whispered. "And this misery is far more terrifying than its precursor."
His thumb rubbed slow circles over the top of her hand and together they quietly watched the sun dip behind Sundermount.
"If I could save you from this, Katherine, I would, I hope you know that," he rasped. "But you're correct, we must all make a choice in this conflict and we must do so very soon."
"Yes, and the worst of it is, we'll most likely be on opposite sides, won't we? Fight each other or I become tranquil, isn't that what Meredith would demand?"
"I would not submit to such an order," he vowed. "I would never allow harm to come to you."
She nodded, sighing miserably. "When you return, when Meredith learns of all that happened today, nothing will be the same. This changes everything."
"It does," he agreed sadly. "Katherine, what you said earlier about Kirkwall being at a precipice; you're correct."
"I wish it wasn't so."
"I want you to leave. I want you to go while you still can, before Orsino and Meredith can rope you into this catastrophe. Go from here and be out of harm's way. I will safeguard Carver, I swear that to you."
She shook her head, shock in her eyes. "What? No! Cullen, I can't do that! I can't leave Carver or you to face this alone! Never!"
"Your friends will agree with me, Katherine, you must know this," he argued firmly. "Carver and I have our duty, we cannot go."
"Then neither can I!"
He reached out slowly and caressed her cheek. "The time for the Chantry to step in grows near, you will not be untouched by this," he said. "Kirkwall is no longer safe for you."
Her hand covered his and she closed her eyes, leaning into his touch. A tear slipped from her lashes and ran down her cheek. "I can't leave, Cullen, I can't. He's my brother and I… I love you. I'm sorry, I know we're not supposed to admit what's between us, but…"
His thumb touched her lower lip, stilling her words, and she opened her eyes.
"I am all that prevents Meredith from succumbing to the madness that snaps at her heels," he whispered, leaning closely. She kissed the pad of his thumb. "But my feelings for you…" His words trailed into silence. "If I could, I would surrender to them and protect you as a man does the woman he loves. But I am bound to the Maker."
She stifled a sob and he rested his forehead against hers. "Please, Katherine, ease my burden and flee this place."
She cried softly as she whispered, "No."
A ragged sob escaped his own lips before he finally pressed a kiss to her mouth. She responded instantly and melted into him, their first kiss filled with years of yearning and restrained passion. He'd stolen a few kisses in his youth, but the primal response he felt as she eagerly returned the kiss was dizzying. She slowly moved into his lap and wrapped her arms around him, pressing herself against his chest plate piece.
His tongue hesitantly traced her lips, begging for more contact, and she opened to him. Shivering with desire, she wished they would never be parted, praying that somehow, someway, this kiss would banish the shadows of hate and anger that simmered in the city and lurked at every turn.
But it didn't.
He pulled back first, his breath coming in small gasps while his hands still cupped her face. He wavered in what she recognized as his stoic resolve and he placed another kiss onto her swollen lips.
"Stay," she pleaded. "Kiss me."
"We cannot," he rasped but returned her touch.
They clung to one another, their lips moving in feathered kisses; her desperate for him to remain, and him, wanting above all to comply.
"Katherine," he breathed before he succumbed once more to her pull. She was trembling and he felt it, his desire for her beyond his comprehension, almost outside of his control. He broke the kiss, knowing he had to adhere to his vows.
"No," she whimpered, kissing his chin. "Cullen, please, touch me."
He shook his head even as he kissed her again. They continued like this, their need for the other's touch fueling their senses and hearts, but again he struggled to gather himself.
"I cannot," he whispered as he pulled back gently. Her need clouded her eyes and her lips were red from his touches; it took everything inside of him not to ignore his vows and make love to her in the sand. "I love you, I want nothing more than to love you, Katherine, but I cannot. We cannot."
Understanding penetrated her passionate fog and she nodded as her chin quivered. "I know."
He placed a gentle kiss to her brow. "In another life we would have grown old together," he whispered. "In another life I would awaken each day with you in my arms and our family thriving, our home safe and secure."
She smiled through her tears and pressed her palm to his cheek, his stubble rough against her hand. "I love you, Cullen, in every life."
"And I, you."
xXx
Mere weeks passed before their fears were confirmed, and Katherine was standing toe to toe with Meredith, her eerie red eyes glaring coldly at her as she screamed forth her hate and bile. The commander of the templars' lunacy manifested fully, brandishing a glowing sword.
"You recognize it, do you not? Pure lyrium, taken from the Deep Roads. The dwarf charged a great deal for his prize."
Katherine gasped, realizing that it was forged from the tainted idol, the one Bartrand had stolen from the Deep Roads nearly seven years earlier. The ferocious power of the raw lyrium had feasted on the wretched woman's paranoia and bitterness, twisting her mind into a maze of illogical accusations and theories.
Waves of energy pulsed from her and despite Katherine's efforts to reason with her, Meredith was unwilling to relent. The tall woman charged forward at Katherine, her massive sword drawn menacingly as she shouted to her people to kill not only the Circle mages but Katherine and her companions as well.
Meredith was rapidly closing the gap between them and Katherine saw Fenris racing across the courtyard to protect her. She began frantically casting, but her magic had always been most powerful in the schools of medicine and restoration; her weak fire spell was barely curling the blonde woman's hair.
"No!" roared a man's voice and she was pushed backward, nearly losing her footing as she backpedaled.
She saw the familiar ginger hair and panic filled her. "Cullen! Be careful!"
Cullen's sword was drawn and he was braced for a fight; she realized he was placing himself between her and Meredith.
"Enough! This is not what the Order stands for. Knight-Commander, step down! I relieve you of your command!"
"My own knight-captain falls prey to the influence of blood magic," Meredith hissed. She cursed them, swinging her possessed sword in wide arcs as she bellowed at them all. Carver arrived at Cullen's side, his weapon drawn.
"You'll have to go through me!" Carver declared.
"And me," Cullen added. The remaining templars slowly drew their swords, coming to stand behind their knight-captain, and Meredith shrieked in fury.
"Traitors! I'll have both your heads!" she snarled as she buried the tip of her weapon into the cobblestones of the courtyard, unleashing the full power of her lyrium great sword.
The ensuing battle was staggering, the crazed knight-commander nearly besting them all.
And then it was over.
The dust from the destroyed statuary billowed around them, the opaque clouds impeding Katherine's view of the others, but she felt a hand grasp hers and she turned as Cullen pulled her into his arms, quickly pressing a kiss to her temple before stepping away and distancing himself from her. Their gazes were locked and he turned his head, gesturing to the center of the destruction around them.
A red-hot glow emanated from the middle of the courtyard and as the collective survivors approached cautiously, Katherine gasped. The knight-commander was transformed, her body petrified and twisted as red flames licked her features and glowed from where her mouth and eyes had once been.
A female templar approached hesitantly and slowly reached out a gauntlet covered hand, poking the remains carefully. Standing, she turned to her knight-captain and shook her head.
Katherine's companions came to her side, Cullen standing a few feet from her.
"What now?" Isabela whispered, looking at the large number of templars that still surrounded them.
"Champion!" Cullen began, his tone elevated so that all could hear. "You have slain the abominations and blood mages who threatened our city and helped us to defeat the knight-commander, who clearly was under the control of a most powerful magic! Our duty is met!"
Isabela grabbed Katherine's elbow and Sebastian and Fenris inclined their heads to Cullen, whose eyes were on Katherine. She resisted her pirate friend's urgent tug at her arm and Cullen stepped close, lowering his voice.
"Katherine, go now. Please."
"But wait! What of you?" she whispered urgently, looking at what used to be Meredith. "There may still be abominations roaming within!"
"Something that we are well-trained to address," he said formally. "It is not your place to remain."
His words were pointed and she realized her hesitation to leave him was drawing unwanted attention to their discussion.
"Right," she replied, nodding quickly and backing away. "We shall return to the city and see what aid we may offer."
Isabela wrapped her arm around Katherine's waist and the four friends hurried from the Gallows.
xXx
A month had passed since she'd seen Cullen.
The contents of her home were carefully being packed away, Varric having convinced her that it was best she not remain in Kirkwall. Templars had been pouring into the Gallows and the city, much to Aveline's true consternation.
Circles throughout Thedas had begun to fall, the fighting in Kirkwall used as a battle-cry for mages and templars alike. The Chantry was clearly caught unawares by the grave unhappiness within each circle's confining walls and now the ancient institution was scrambling to control even the smallest holdings.
Bodhan and Sandal had left her employ three weeks earlier and the large house was horribly empty. Carver had visited her once and only then to offer his farewell. He'd been reassigned to a posting in the Anderfels and blamed his relationship with her for the remote assignment. They'd parted on tense terms.
She glanced around her box-filled great room and sighed; Varric would be arriving soon with men to help move her possessions to a warehouse in Lowtown. She counted the crates and realized she'd not yet carried down what was in her bedroom. She hurried to her room.
Lost in thought, she quietly finished one crate and began to pack another.
"Hello," said a well-loved voice from behind her. She turned to see Cullen standing just outside of her bedroom entrance.
"Cullen!" she answered in surprise, a large smile blooming across her face as she turned to him. She hurtled herself into his arms. "You're well?" she asked quickly. "Come in! I'm packing!"
He hugged her tight. "I am now," he replied. "And you?"
"I'm fine. I have missed you though," she confessed. "Greatly."
A small grin tugged at his lips. "Carver delivered your note, though it's not the only reason I've come. I would have done so much sooner, had I a choice in the matter," he explained. "Rest assured, I did not."
She noticed he wasn't wearing his templar uniform. "Have you deserted?" she asked teasingly. "I've not seen you out of uniform, Cullen. You're quite dashing not surrounded by tin."
He chuckled. "It's good to have you teasing, Katherine," he admitted. "I was worried for you."
She glanced down but didn't answer.
"As to my uniform, I'm not on duty, and my purpose in coming here today… well, it seemed an inappropriate choice of dress."
"Your purpose?"
"Yes," he said quietly as he took her hand. "Did Carver advise you of his relocation?"
"He did," she replied. "He's not very happy with his new orders; he blames me, for my involvement in what happened with Anders and Meredith."
"I apologize. Had I known he would think such I would have informed him it was my decision to send him away."
"You? But why?"
His fingers toyed with hers. "The fighting there will be the lightest, at least for the time being. The Chantry has decided to bring the disenfranchised templars to heel."
"Maker," she whispered. "That means he'll be…"
"Fighting well-seasoned warriors with skills and training to match or exceed his own, yes."
"Thank you, Cullen." She leaned into him and hesitantly rested her cheek against his broad chest, loving the feel of the hard muscle underneath the soft jerkin he was wearing. She could smell his soap and realized how restrictive to his movements his armor must have been.
His arms slowly wrapped around her and he held her close. "I promised you I would safeguard him."
She looked up at him and touched her fingers to his chin. "Yes, you did." She gazed into his warm eyes and a chilling thought jolted through her. "But that means you'll have to fight!"
He cupped her cheek. "It should. Which brings me to the purpose of my visit."
She pulled herself from his embrace and backed away, fear in her eyes. "You're here to say good-bye!"
"No."
"Then what?" she demanded.
"My replacement has been sent from Val Royeaux. She should arrive in the next few weeks."
"What?"
"I will not fight my brothers and sisters, Katherine. Most especially when the side I would serve is so clearly in the wrong. I petitioned Revered Mother Hannah for a release from my commission. She has granted my request."
"You're no longer a templar?" she stammered.
"I serve until Knight-Captain Justine arrives, and until then I am preparing to be discharged from my service."
She blinked rapidly, processing his announcement. "But… Cullen, what about… don't templars need lyrium? I don't want you to, ah, well, to be in pain."
He glanced down to his boots, avoiding her eyes as he answered softly. "You're correct, we do. This is also why I have not been to visit. I am being weaned from my dependency. It's my prayer that by the time of Justine's arrival, I will be free of my need for it."
She smiled reassuringly when he finally met her eyes. "And you're, I mean, you're all right? Will you be all right?"
He nodded. "I am determined, Katherine. I have a strong motivation to succeed."
"Is that the purpose you spoke of earlier? Are you going to tell me what it is?"
"Yes, I've not shared that yet, have I?" he asked, looking nervously around the room. He rubbed his hands together and paced a few steps. He gestured to one of the moving crates. "Where will you go?"
Wondering at his change of topic, she shrugged and answered him. "I haven't fully decided. I wanted to talk with you first."
He nodded quickly but did not speak further. Her curiosity won and she moved to him, taking his hand.
"Cullen, please tell me what's going on! What happens next?" she demanded, gasping as he pulled her against him. He kissed her.
"I'm not certain," he rasped against her lips. "But, Maker willing, we shall find out together."
She wound her arms around his neck and buried her nose into the crook there. "Together?" she asked quietly, her breath against his skin.
"If you'll have me."
"If I'll have you?" she repeated with an incredulous laugh. "As if there could be any doubt?"
He cradled her face tenderly. "I did have hope," he confessed with a grin. "When the knight-commander drew against you that day," he closed his eyes and swallowed, "it was the worst moment of my life. Sending you away after… I could only pray you understood that I did so for your own protection. I feared my people were too shaken, that someone would strike out against you."
"I love you, Cullen," she whispered.
"Can we leave this place together?" he breathed. "Shall we have the life we spoke of?"
"Yes," she answered through trembling lips. "I want nothing more than you."
The End
:)