I don't own Cruel Intentions and never will.

The only sound I hear is the pounding of my heart.

I'm so furious the rage fills me up like a balloon inflating inside me the air comes there's more air and I can't stop I just have to move.

Sir Sebastian, one of the maids call me but I don't hear them I can't hear anything as I march up the stairs my entire body shaking with anger because it's gone too far too much I've done everything for her I've done everything for Kathryn and then-- then

We fucked.

And it was the best night I'd ever had. I had forgotten that Annette even existed, all blondes erased from my memory because it was only her in there her in my body me in her body and everything was beautiful oh fucking christ we were perfect together.

She had smiled and told me she was glad I was back, that I should never leave her again like she was chastising a child and I nodded just nodded, filled with her scent her smile her fucking pussy wrapped around my dick, claiming me. I went willingly. I fucking went willingly just as I had known I would.

She was different that night, I know it. I just know it.

My throat is clogged my eyes grow watery even though I've no intentions of crying because the rage has frozen my tears and now there is nothing else to do but to see her to scream and yell: Why wasn't I enough why couldn't you have been normal for just one more day god why did you have to do this to me why did you have to kiss me and suck my dick and nuzzle my neck and cuddle and talk like that? Why did you let me stay why god why why why you knew this would happen didn't you you knew it and you just can't stop yourself you just can't stop destroying everything you come across even if it's me.

Kathryn holds on tighter and her mouth was softer and her eyes reflected mine and we were in our own glass ball protected by everything else and she had sighed and pouted and stroked my cheek my hair kissed my forehead and said

I think I love you, Sebastian. Isn't that strange?

And then stupid, stupid me why the fuck am I so gullible I believed her and I said that maybe I loved her too and then she smiled so brightly, without any trace of malice.

For a while I think we were normal and in the span of a few hours safely locked in her bedroom we detached from everything else. Even ourselves. And we were great for a while, she laughed more and touched me more and I paid her compliments and we didn't curse unless we were kidding and we never fought we just kissed and fucked until we were both too tired and she just wrapped her arms around me and asked me to tell her again.

Please please please she'd asked, drowsy and her voice thick from fighting sleep. She'd taken my hand and kissed my palm. Please tell me again Sebastian I'd like to hear it.

So then I stared at her.

And said:

I love you.

And then she smiled again.

So I said it one more time, punctuating it with a kiss.

She did it again.

I had been filled with a kind of light that I couldn't explain it wasn't so bad being detached from everything (including ourselves). Because I didn't feel awkward when I said it and I didn't hesitate and I didn't try to hide it or to take it back like I probably would have if we weren't inside that glass ball.

So I said it again and again and again as much as I can, murmuring I love you I love you I love you Kathryn.

But then, then the light in her eyes dimmed. Dimming. Dimming. Until they were so sad I could feel the glass ball cracking I need to fix it how do I fix things how can we stay detached like this and still be able to fully function as was expected of us?

Help me don't leave I know you can find a way I told her, only I didn't really tell her that. I just repeated it. Love you love you Kathryn Merteuil there was never anybody else why couldn't you see that?

It worked. She kissed me and touched me and I could see she was tired but she stayed awake and we fucked and fucked and told each other things we normally hid little secrets and I hugged her so tightly when did she become so small and delicate like this? Not that it matters because I love how she feels against me I love how she said

Goodnight, Sebastian.

So sweetly it was hard to believe it came from her.

But then I couldn't be sure.

It was too quiet.

So maybe she didn't say 'Goodnight'

I think maybe it was

Goodbye, Sebastian.

Because she kissed me for a long time before sleeping. She kissed me like she was going on a long trip without me.

So when I wake up the following day,

(You must understand I am still angry I am still shaking I still want to scream and yell and hurt things and destroy lives and stab her heart over and over again, but I just need to tell you why why why I do this why I feel this way you need to understand that.)

And when I wake up, I am still smiling like I slept with the smile on my face my mouth even hurts maybe I had kept smiling throughout the night. I turn and there she is there's Kathryn my love. The girl who is everything. She's also sleeping and I can't help it sue me like I said I loved her so maybe this is excusable.

I sneak in a kiss. In her hair. And she moans slightly but doesn't wake up. I just grin. And I told myself that it's going to be so much better now that everything in my life has finally come to order no more shrinks needed, thanks very much.

My stomach grumbles so I tear a page from my journal and scribble a note because I don't ever want her to think that I've left her like that because I never will never again.

K--

Went to get breakfast. And a smoke.

(I feel a little tentative writing the next part, but I write it anyway)

I love you. Don't forget.

S.

I leave it on my pillow and sneak in one more kiss (on her cheek this time) before I head to my room and shower. When I am dressed, I peek into her room but she's still there prim and proper, gorgeous as always even with her mouth sort of open she's still sleeping and my note's still there.

So I head out for breakfast. I take a walk because I feel like walking I feel like being seen I feel like talking to random people and I laugh a lot I think some of them think I'm nuts or something even the attractive girls are a little wary of me. But they still tried to flirt, can you believe that? I apologize and say no thank you, I'm seeing someone.

I get a bagel and a cup of coffee and a pack of Gauloises. I almost stop to buy flowers but then I just roll my eyes it's too much isn't it? So instead I make another stop at Starbucks and get another cup of coffee and a cup of tea and a bagel for her because I'm not sure if she'll want coffee or tea today.

But when I get home.

When I enter her room--she's sitting there waiting for me. And my note is gone. There's a piece of crumpled paper on the floor.

My heart beats thumpthumpthump faster.

I brought you coffee and tea and bagel, I set everything down and try to smile try to kiss her placid face and she doesn't move doesn't react when I do. Her skin is so cold.

You know it was a one time thing. She says, big green eyes looking at me. It can't happen, Sebastian. Do you understand me? Never again.

But

but

but--?

Don't we? Wasn't it?

And she doesn't reply for a while. She looks at the steaming cups and the paper bag with the bagel inside.

We can't. She says.

Then I hate myself so much for saying what I said next:

Were you just pretending last night, Kathryn?

And I make it worse:

Do you really love me?

And worser still:

Because I want more of this with you.

And I dig dig dig my own fucking grave:

I've never wanted someone this much. Ever.

And Kathryn, she's just there. Sitting. Staring. Like a fucking statue.

Then she stands up.

I'm going out with my boyfriend. She tells me. I'll see you tonight. Have a nice day.

I take a chisel and strike my pride.

Once.

What are you talking about? I thought things were going to be different now!

Twice.

I love you, goddamn it! Why won't you ever let me love you?

Thrice.

Don't leave me.

But she does anyway. And my pride is powder, just dust dirtying her heels.

And it began there, this rage.

It began to build and build and build up.

With every guy she brought home. Every guy she introduced as her boyfriend, every guy she kissed and touched in front of me. I took it all, you know. I took it all in and I still loved her somehow I still wanted just wanted her so much every pussy is nothing every girl is meaningless.

And then, then, then--

Kathryn comes home one day and our parents were home and she's all smiles glowing just glowing just breathtaking.

David and I are getting our own place when we go to college. She says, ignoring my grief ignoring my heart shattering and cutting my insides I grip my fork and mentally stab something. I'm leaving in a week.

Everyone is so happy for her why wouldn't they be David is fucking perfect fucking good moral wealthy everything they want.

Now--

I can't take it anymore she leaves tomorrow and I feel suffocated I cannot fucking breathe this love it chokes me so much.

I open her door and find her suitcases and she's flipping through a magazine and then she sees me and puts it down.

She sighs.

Oh, Sebastian.

That's all she says.

And I finally have enough.

Something breaks.

Oh, Sebastian? Oh, Sebastian?

I grab her arm and pull her up. She yelps in pain. Then I throw her against the wall and insert my finger inside her I know it will hurt and I love that she's crying out like that. I kiss her and nearly bite her mouth off and she's trying to push me off but I'm too strong.

Mmph no what--

I don't stop there is no stopping now!

I kiss her more and more she turns her face trying to avoid me but it's impossible to I know her every move I love her so much.

Her pussy gets wet. Slick, hot wetness in my hand creamy fucking pussy. My love.

And then she starts to moan, gyrating against my hand and she even bites my lip too so we kiss with saliva and blood and it's delicious. I grab her breast and she rubs my dick and we're both moaning groaning sighing.

I fuck her hard.

Pounding into her watching her face contort and redden and then, then--

this darkness comes over me and it scares me so much but as I am about to orgasm I pull out of her and then it is like I am not me anymore.

I say:

Look what you've turned me into.

And I grab the pillow.

I drown her with softness.

Crying crying angry horny fucking undone fucking ruined

I die with her.

A/N Don't worry I don't intend to make the lack of quotation marks part of my writing. I just needed the writing exercise and then thought of posting it here.