Author- Emily-Grace Mendes (Brookebynature)
Disclaimer- I don't own the characters or the show. I don't even own this title as I stole it from one of my favourite songs.
A/N- I hate to think that Nathan died, but I'm feeling somewhat depressed (God only knows why. Must be the teen hormones) soI wrote this just now. Hope you enjoy, and please review xxx
Feeling A Moment
She waits until everyone has gone until she cries. She watches them all do it before her, first Brooke and then Peyton, Karen, Deb, finally Lucas when Brooke whispers something into his ear that nobody else hears. And then there's just her left. Only Haley to shed a tear for Nathan, let everyone else see the pain that she's in.
They know, but they don't see.
Her hands are holding one another tightly, probably too tightly, but she doesn't feel anything. Just some sort of pain in her chest. But it can be ignored.
--
She just stands there, cold while they all hug her, tell her how much they'll all miss Nathan, tell her how sorry they are. It's then, when Haley wonders why people ask if there's anything they can do. It's a rhetorical question really, one than can never be answered, because the reality is there is nothing they can do.
They all sit there in a row in church, and even Dan hugs her. Dan who never showed any emotion before for the son nobody thought he loved, for the daughter in law he seemed to hate. But when Lucas climbs up to the podium and tells everyone how much his brother meant to him, it's Dan that squeezes Haley's hand, it's Dan that whispers 'I'm sorry'
And Haley can't speak. It's just as well. She wouldn't know what to say anyway.
Then it's her turn to go up to the podium, her turn to tell everyone how much she loved her husband, how much she needs him in this world with her. But the words won't leave her mouth, and Lucas helps her down, the tears clouding her vision.
It's now that they all see her cry.
--
As the coffin is lowered into the ground, ready to be covered by soil packed tightly, Haley's hand is resting loosely in Brooke's, the friend that she never thought would be. And she's more than grateful to have her here now.
Peyton leaves.
Then Karen, because the memories of being in the graveyard are too painful for her.
Haley can see that it's getting too much for Lucas too, and it's Brooke that makes his decision for him. They leave, but not before kissing her on her cold cheek, and they tell her that if there's anything she needs, just let them know.
She needs Nathan, but there's nothing they can do.
It's Dan and Deb that are left there with her after everyone else has gone. And they try to persuade her to come home with them, to sleep in Nathan's old room if she wishes. But she doesn't go, she can't go. She just stares at the fresh mound of earth, the mound of earth that her husband lies beneath.
And it's then that Haley realises how unfair the world is. Dead people should get more recognition than just a place under the ground people walk on, than a headstone with their name and date of birth on, a short message if their relatives care enough.
--
She hasn't seen Lucas in weeks. Brooke has been over, offering cookies that she's tried her best to make, both chocolate chip and fruit. But she hears, somewhere through Brooke's almost constant stream of words, that he's not doing too well, that he cries into her chest at night.
But Haley's chest aches too much to say anything.
Deb visits. Brings a lasagne.
Why is everyone bringing food?
Haley doesn't eat it. It stays in the fridge growing staler as each mealtime passes that she doesn't eat.
She's become thinner now, she noticed when she was putting on a pair of sweats that now hang loosely. They fitted before, they fitted when she bought them while on a shopping trip with Nathan. He'd liked the colour. She'd liked the comfort.
Now she was just grateful for the memory.
--
She doesn't think about where he is now. She doesn't like to question God. But then, how can she not? He took Nathan from this world, from her.
Lucas finds her crying against the gravestone. It's the first time he's seen her since the funeral. They don't say anything.
She just cries into his chest like he does with Brooke. And she's grateful that he's here now, and he feels the same way towards her.
The bunch of flowers are limp in her hands now, she hasn't been able to let them go. Clinging onto them is, to Haley, like clinging on to Nathan. And if she lets go, she loses him.
But Lucas reminds her that he's gone anyway. So she rests them on the grass which has now started to grow. It doesn't look quite so fresh now, Nathan's funeral doesn't seem like it was just yesterday.
--
One day, Deb suggests that she give Nathan's stuff to charity, maybe give the autographed basketball to Lucas. She tells Haley that she'll help her.
But she shakes her head. No.
She can do it on her own.
--
But it turns out it's too hard without someone there. And when she sees the number 23 basketball jersey she feels different. Like someone is there with her after all.
And then she turns around. There's nobody there.
Pulling it off the hanger, Haley breathes in the musky scent that she was used to waking up to every morning. It's then, that a silent tears escapes form her brown eyes. It slides down her cheek, just that one. No more.
She doesn't know why they don't fall, she doesn't think about it.
But her skin has goose bumps now, she notices. There's a tingling in her arms, and she feels light, like she might faint.
The bed is soft beneath her as she falls onto it, the jersey still in her hands, held tightly to her face. Her eyes are shut, and that pain in her chest is back.
She knows what it is now. It's her heart. And she knows it's breaking.
But there's nothing she can do.
It's the one moment she's felt, the one time when she's focused on her feelings for once. And it hurts her more than anything else.
But it's now that the tears all fall, salty rivers down both cheeks. And that pain is still there. But it's escaping along with sobs which had been stifled.
--
Brooke enters, no food this time, but Lucas, holding onto her hand. And when Haley sees him smile at his girlfriend slightly, she prays that they hold onto that moment, and that they both feel it.
They hug her, at the same time, and there's no air in between them all. But it doesn't matter because this time Haley hugs them back.
And she lets them see her cry because she can now, because she's felt that moment. She's felt Nathan reassure her with his presence.
She knows he was there. And she knows he'll be there when it's her turn to go.
And she clenches that jersey in her hands when Brooke and Lucas leave, because she's trying to feel that moment for as long as she can.
Please review xxx