Summary: A Sakura that blooms in much more than violence, could only be more vibrant.
Semi- AU: What if Sakura experienced a trauma before she ever had the chance to disillusion herself from ninja life? What if Sakura becomes vicious and motivated long before the Chunin Exams and in a much more jarring way?
A semi-dark Sakura fic with a happy-ish ending.
AN: So, so violent and dark, but also strangely empowering?
Rated for graphic violence and implied rape.
It is not so much an event of intrigue or terror, as it is an overwhelming trauma that jolts her, rather sharply, into a new reality. She was caught up in her measly problems, only studying the books and following the rules when wham! – her whole life changed in the blink of an eye.
(And not in a positive way.)
No, it is not positive at all to have your lack of skill be capitalized on and, well, even in ninja villages there are dangers. Especially when it comes to perverted old –
Especially when it comes to older ninja – more skilled and crueler than she had ever known.
And it is a rather forceful awakening. One that twists her and shatters her into a broken little girl and she can't wait till she gets her headband because she's going to break them right back and where is her headband - give her a headband. Give her strength, give her proof that she can be strong –
Because she will be strong.
(She will rip them to tattered flesh under her teeth. The tears on her own skin still healing and the rips in her heart burning like corrosive acid to her soul. She will never let them touch her again – she will bite off their fingers and pluck out their eyes before they ever have a chance to harm her.
They will not find any more pleasure in her newfound violence as she will be the bloody reckoning they ought not to have triggered. She will be the force that casts judgement and contempt on her enemies.
She will be the fire, raging and untamed – not just its will.)
She is a feral girl lost in her mind, still so utterly kind, but skittish and instinctual. She kills and maims and claws at the world, but she cares. She still has love and kindness, but now she rips out the throats of those who threaten what little she still loves.
She loses interest in Sasuke and romance because boys are scary-
No, boys are monsters, people are monsters and she is going to become strong enough to kill all the monsters in this world.
(Does that make her a monster?)
No, she will kill the monsters and if that makes her one then so be it. She will not let the darkness of men flay her alive once again; she will not let this world live in the shadows of corruption and crooked grins.
(Her own grin is bloodthirsty, like a savage animal with too sharp teeth and blood dripping from her maw.)
She loves so fiercely though – but her hate is oh so vibrant in its violence.
(But, oh, her love; it is an unwavering thing – if only Sasuke had seen how fiercely she could love before she shattered her weak and pathetic crush on him with all the unrelenting force of a tycoon.)
Sasuke watches her with wide eyes as she all but dismisses his existence. He finds it strange when he is more disappointed with it than he thought he would be after he sees her tearing the hair out of Ami's head during training because she insulted Ino's figure.
She is all but a vicious animal and it is intoxicating. She collects the kind and the pure like tokens, and shatters all their fears with her bruised fists and bloody nails.
She looks back at her old self and sneers, almost glad for her shattered sanity, because now she can be strong. She can tear apart monsters with her teeth and the blood of the cruel pours like rainfall underneath her thumb.
(She will not be weak again –
The word jeers in head, mocking her with cruel laughter. 'Weak,' they called her weak.
She will not be weak.)
When she gets her headband, she ties it on top of her head like a trophy and its weight is heavy and soothing to the ache in her soul – stronger, it says, make me strong.
Her hair is a sharp-edged bob, cut uncaringly with a kunai and short on her head like the pink petals of a cherry blossom signaling rebirth.
(She was born again from the fire of her trauma like a broken stemmed flower, once prim and well-maintained, now growing untamed and thorny like a wildflower.)
Kakashi finds Team 7 in their classroom with an idea of exactly what they'll be like in mind, only to have his perceptions shattered immediately.
Mizuki, the traitor, never put the work into changing Sakura's file after her sudden mood shift. Iruka had confirmed that Sakura had put more effort into her training recently, but had not said more than this. Kakashi is immensely unprepared for the unhinged smile and the thinly veiled hatred she exhibits. She only displays bare tolerance for Sasuke and is extremely protective over Naruto.
(Sasuke seems disgruntled.)
Sakura's words ring in Kakashi's head for days – "I like innocence and kind-hearted souls. I hate perversity, scumbag men, and needless cruelty. My dream is not a dream, but a goal which I will make reality. I will be strong enough to kill any monster in this world."
(So similar to Sasuke's, yet so very different.)
At the training ground the next day, Kakashi brings out his book, and she snarls. He expected Naruto to jump in head first, but she is vicious and fast and Naruto only joins in after a brief period of wide-eyed gaping.
What he doesn't expect from her attacks is for her to focus them on his book with a single-minded intensity and to forgo the bells completely. Her words ring through his head and he smiles, until he sees the anger and ferocity in her gaze and that she is indeed coming at him, like he said, with the intent to kill – so much more intent than a genin should have.
He frowns, and makes a mental note to figure out what exactly happened to make her so bloodthirsty. Eventually, he puts the book away, but she stays steady next to Naruto and catches him when he falls.
(If only Sasuke'd join the fray.)
Naruto still gets tied to the tree, if only because of Sasuke's arrogance and Naruto eating the bentos before lunch. This time, though, Sakura doesn't hesitate to give Naruto her bento and Sasuke follows her lead.
(Sakura scares him, sometimes, so he thinks it's best to be on her good side.)
They pass, and Kakashi is left with a team where not a single member is well adjusted or mentally sound. It's a terrible combination, but it turns out to work immensely in their favor. After all, broken pieces fit so much better together than smooth edged stone.
They turn into a family of sorts, all broken hearts and malice, and Sakura learns to let some men in – even if they are perverted and terrible at their jobs. She even starts to care for Sasuke again, and adds him to her list of those she holds close to her heart.
When Zabuza's water clone attacks Naruto – sweet, pure, childish Naruto – she snarls and slashes her kunai with all the ferocity of an enraged beast. She does not let him lose his headband, she does not let Zabuza through her bloodstained wall of red and pink.
(His sword burns, yes, but her fury burns worse. It is stronger than her body, it is fiercer than her pain. It is a force that puts all thought of rationality to the back of her mind.)
Tazuna does not matter to her with his drunken schemes and manipulations that endanger her precious people. The missions do not matter to her, just her strength and her people – the pure and the kind that the world does not deserve.
Kakashi sees her walk up trees and over water and she is sent to guard the bridge builder anyways. She does it grudgingly because she is strong and she will do what she can to stay with those she protects.
(She must seem loyal to the village or she will be killed. She must seem loyal so she can protect and love and fight for those who matter to her. She must seem loyal because those she loves are loyal.)
She sees red on her skin, red on her clothes and in her eyes and the red on Naruto – pure, sweet sunshine of a boy – is oh so encompassing and she wails for she is not strong enough to stop his suffering.
(When will she be strong enough?)
She is a wounded animal in the meantime; a crying ball of instincts and nature. She watches and writhes for his anguish and hates –
She hates and she hates and she hates, because Naruto is the sun but they beat him down. They hate him and so she hates and curses that she can't raze Konoha to the ground.
(He is not the monster when he so gladly could've been. He is life and love and she will be the monster for him – for his sake and Ino's and her parents and the children of this world and those innocents she loves – she will be the bringer of retribution.)
Naruto knows what it's like to be eaten by fury and rage – the chakra of the fox is pure hatred; how could he not know? He watches Sakura descend like a plague onto Gato's men alongside the demon of the mist and wonders what happened to her innocence.
(Monsters aren't born, they're created. He wonders if the fox inside of him killed for a reason. Was the beast ever really a beast at all?
What makes a monster, really?)
She comes out of the battle wounded with superficial cuts, but she is smiling because death is not an issue to her. Killing the cruel doesn't hurt her conscience – doesn't make her bat an eye.
(One less piece of scum does not harm her, after all.)
This Sakura already has green hands, hands of healing and peace, but these hands can tear and break just as easily.
(She has been practicing because she has to be stronger.
'Weak', they called her; she is still too weak.)
Her hands heal Sasuke and herself with an ease unparalleled because she still has her heart - her soul. She is still kind at her core, but there is an unforgiving beast inside of her. It kills, but it kills kindly.
(She devours the monsters of humanity, and yet, still keeps her own; if only just barely.)
What cuts from her tongue is wildlife and nature, swift and swindling and fierce like a rainforest. She is sharp words and soft lullabies – a bipolar matrimony of savagery.
She stabs her kunai into her thigh and knocks Sasuke out of his fear in the Forest of Death long before he has a chance to move.
(Because fear is a constant, but her pack – her people – are not to be touched.
Even if it took months for Sasuke to become one of her people.)
Orochimaru chuckles low and melodic at the kunoichi who is more animal than girl. She is vicious, still weak, but vicious like a cornered animal.
She drags Sasuke through the woods and doesn't stop in her flight until she is knocked unconscious in the battle.
(She is stronger, but not strong enough. Orochimaru is an S – ranked criminal, after all.
But, she will be stronger.)
When she wakes, she drags her team – her precious, precious team – to the same spot; the clearing with the alcove in the tree roots. This Sakura, though, is deadly in her trap making – uncaring as to who will die in the fires of retribution she seeks. Seeking retribution for the harm caused to her people.
So, when the Genin from the Sound arrive they are only two heavily injured ninjas out of their original three and it is oh so easy to rip them to shreds.
Their blood is brilliantly vivid against the forest green grass. It is dark and viscous and the beast in her chest purrs. She is satisfied with her kill – they are not innocents, they are cruel without purpose, cruel to those she loves.
(And cruelty needs a purpose – she should know.)
The preliminary matches are different here. They are missing three ninjas from Sound, so when she faces down Tenten with a wicked smirk, she wins.
(Rock Lee does not face Gaara here, but instead fights Kiba and wins. There is no grave injury to cause him life threatening consequences; he doesn't even take off his weights.)
By the end of the match, Tenten lies unconscious in a pool of blood and a crater – not dead, for she was never cruel, never quite monster enough to die.
And people are suitably terrified when Sakura stands, unflinching, with kunai jutting out of her like jewelry and her opponents finger in her mouth.
Naruto and her train under the Toad Sage and she is a ruthless and demanding force. Jiraiya was, at first, unwilling to even consider her as a student – she knows why he picked Naruto, bright girl that she is she hasn't lost her smarts, just a little of her sanity. But she was relentless and refused to be far from Naruto anyways, so he gives in to her demands.
But she is vicious and violent and uncaring of rules and respect. The various kunai and shuriken imbedded in the tree where he was just sitting show him that she does not tolerate perverse behavior from anyone – even a Sannin.
She stands wild eyed and heaving after throwing these kunai – kunai thrown with the intent to kill – and he has the sudden, horrific realization of why exactly she is how she is.
It was so obvious, with the flinching and the adversity to men. She is an outlier, though. An aggressive shell of a kind girl blooming from trauma. He has not seen someone act like this in a very long time.
He wonders how terrible it must have been – but shrugs off that thought because there is no measure for trauma. No mending ones' sanity once it shatters.
(And anything can shatter sanity if it is sharp enough and in just the right place. Yes, anything can shatter sanity.)
Jiraiya makes sure to never mention anything sexual near her again.
(He can be serious when he needs to be.)
The Chunin Exams dawn with a sunset as red as blood.
(Red like hatred, red like the nine-tailed fox sleeping in Naruto's belly, red like the blood in her veins – red like passion.)
She is to face Kankuro, the matches are so similar to before…
(Naruto and Neji still fight and so do Sasuke and Gaara, but, this time, Shikamaru fights Rock Lee and Temari fights Shino.)
Kankuro still backs out of his match and Sakura throws him a sharp toothed grin filled with promise – he swallows heavily and looks away.
When Sasuke – the foolish, angry, traumatized boy – runs after Gaara to fight him, she does not hesitate in waking all the fellow genin trackers and Naruto and almost races away in pursuit before Kakashi gives her Pakkun and sends them off with a clear mission.
When they reach Kankuro she sends the others off with a nod of her head and rips his puppet to pieces. He is heavily injured in their fight and she ties him up, swiftly, and takes him as a prisoner of war.
If he causes any problems she will gladly kill him, but he has only shown a retreat so far. She is not sure that qualifies as cruel. Rather, she thinks he's quite a coward and cowards deserve shame, not death – unless their cowardice harms those she loves.
Then, she will blast off his head.
(She has an explosive tag on his throat for a reason.)
She reaches Naruto and Gaara's fight in time to heal Sasuke and watches Naruto save a monster from himself.
Something deep inside of her pangs at that with a profound and pervading sadness. Why are her hands so good at destruction? The peaceful fighting of Naruto is so inspiring. Could she save monsters rather than kill them?
(Could she be saved?)
She shakes her head. No, she doesn't need to be saved at all. She isn't a monster, she's a judge, jury and executioner for monsters who cannot – will not – be saved.
She isn't a monster.
(Is she?)
So, she doesn't kill Kankuro, big deal. She's not getting cold feet. No, she just didn't need to kill him. It would have been cold blooded murder and that is needless cruelty. So, of course she didn't kill him.
She's not looking at her palms and seeing red asking herself if she's got any humanity left. She's not. She's not wanting to be whole and happy again, she's really not.
(Except she really is.)
Naruto hugs her when he sees her tears and her worries settle. Naruto loves her, she's alright. The beast in her chest sobers and she hugs back.
This Sakura has no debilitating crush to prevent her from going on the Sasuke retrieval mission. Shikamaru personally seeks her out because he does not want to face her wrath if she were not allowed to participate. She stops beside Choji to face off against Jirobo and heals all the stragglers as much as she can, staving off the fear of death before it can even begin to permeate the air.
She knows what it's like to be corrupted, tainted, by someone else – to be powerless in the face of power – so she does not blame Sasuke at all for succumbing to his mark. But she will not yet forgive him.
(He hurt Naruto, her precious teammate, her sunshine boy.)
She is like Naruto in that she wants to tear Orochimaru to shreds. She is not stupid, she knows he is too strong for her right now. But she swears that one day she will make sure he dies. If not by her hands, then by Sasuke or Naruto's. They deserve that much for the pain he put them through.
(She remembers the seal on Naruto's belly. The locked chakra and unbalanced energy that endangered his very life.
Yes, Orochimaru will not get away with this alive for she will be his nightmares, his greatest fears. She will be his gruesome downfall.)
Secretly, she wishes for Sasuke to come back, but she is still angry and hurt over his betrayal. It is an open wound she is nursing – licking at like a wounded dog. Naruto gives her time to grieve and she does. She still won't forgive him yet, but she will do what she can to bring him home.
(It is the least she can do for a boy violated by darkness.)
Naruto leaves and she is left with the rest of the remaining rookie nine to train. She threatens Jiraiya to protect Naruto above all else and he swears on his life to do his best.
She is reassured but she still packs Naruto's bag with an overabundance of kunai, shuriken, food pills and explosive tags until she is satisfied he will be safe. She teaches him how to use sealing scrolls and makes him a diet plan that still includes ramen, and she smiles because she knows he'll never change.
She makes a calendar to count down the days till his return. It is filled with training regimens and encouragement and she laughs because she knows the only danger Naruto will be in is overexertion.
(It is the same for her.)
She trains harder, faster, stronger under the legendary Sannin, Tsunade, and masters healing at age 15, choosing to continue to hone her skills even after mastery. Her name is frequently muttered in the Konoha Hospital. They call her 'the second coming of Tsunade' and whisper terrified praises of her strength and prowess.
She is strong and she feels free. She runs with coiled muscles and breaks mountains with her fists. She snaps bones with one finger and heals failing hearts with the other. She is an immovable force; a tsunami of blood and kunai washing away her enemies. She learns mercy and she learns brutality. She becomes the precarious balance in between.
(She kills and kills and saves and saves – she is a dichotomy of her very self.)
Her and Naruto fight Kakashi Sensei with all the brute strength of a hurricane and just as little subtlety. Sakura is straightforward while Naruto is as sneaky as a fox, but oh so flamboyant.
They end up winning with words rather than fists.
They are supposed to start small, ease into the missions for Naruto's sake, and she is probably a little too indignant on his behalf.
Do they think she can't protect him? Do they think he is weak? Do they think she is weak? Is she not strong?
(She will be strong. She will be stronger. She will be strong enough for them.
She will for she cannot be weak.)
But then, a missive from the sand alerts them of Gaara (twisted, tortured boy turned weapon) and they are off to save the Kazekage – Naruto's friend. Victim of malice and circumstance. Marked, cursed monster turned angel.
(Victim. Victim. Victim –
Innocent little boy wrapped up in violence turning to starlight shining through the night.)
They rush like hell hounds are on their heels and make it in time to save Kankuro. She is glad to be strong – stronger than the granny she threw into the wall when she attacked Kakashi, strong. She's so very glad she saved him all those years ago. This boy of fierce loyalty to the light – to the sunshine.
He reminds her of a dog – so loyal and protective, with a bark sometimes bigger than his bite. He protects those he loves against much larger foes even when he's afraid. She may have thought he was a coward, but she now knows that he can fight through fear even though it is his constant.
(After all, bravery is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of it. Brave little boy off to fight with men.
Brave little boy left to die painfully; this is needless cruelty.)
She curses Sasori of the Red Sand because he is cruel. If he really believed he had won and wanted to kill Kankuro he should have slit his throat right then and there. His arrogance wasn't his only fault – he wanted Kankuro to suffer.
Needlessly.
Oh, she doesn't mind torture. Torture is often deserved. Torture for serial killers; torture for corrupt men who thrive off of other's misfortune; torture for pedophiles; torture for rapists; torture for torturers.
It's ironic, isn't it? To torture a torturer because he tortured. But she finds a key difference in it. The torturers she tortures, torture for fun; she tortures out of necessity.
(She tortures as punishment.)
She is not a sadist, she isn't. She only feels contentment with righteous bloodshed. When she is sent to kill the enemies of the village (those who are only evil because of their headband) she does not enjoy it. She does not feel the beast in her chest purr.
She does not feel disgust, but she does not thrive off their deaths. Does not feel justified by their choked pleas.
(The way of the ninja is murder. One does not get far without the stomach for it. At least she has found a reason for her deaths to matter.
She is one of the lucky ones who is unperturbed by the throes of mortality. Who can watch men choke on their blood and shrug at their life as if she was watching a flower wilt.)
They rush to save Gaara and she does not question Naruto's drive – does not wonder why he cares or why he works so hard.
After all, she works just as hard – this Sakura understands how to bleed for a cause.
She is a cougar poised to strike, racing along the branches with crushed foliage underfoot.
(She imagines them as the bones of the Akatsuki out to hunt Naruto and Gaara and finds pleasure in their creaks and cracks. Bones can be so very brittle.)
She watches Deidara sit on the corpse of Gaara and mock him and she sees red.
(Little does she know it is not only the chakra of the nine-tailed fox, but also her own anger seeping through her veins.)
How dare he disrespect the boy, the child who overcame hatred (who is so much stronger than she), who grew up in violence and shed it?
How dare he disrespect a corpse? Any corpse?
(Even she is not so heartless to mock the dead.)
It is a hard choice to make – to fight (no kill) Sasori or Deidara. Naruto makes it for her.
Sasori is left standing before her and she is ready to be his reckoning.
She smashes his puppet to pieces and doesn't give him a chance to recover. This Sakura does not pause, does not falter and wait for monologues. Her and Lady Chiyo make quick work of as many puppets as they can before Lady Chiyo is poisoned and has to retreat.
This Sakura rips him to shreds and gets a grudging acknowledgement of strength and valuable last words.
She smirks when he mentions Tenchi Bridge. Even a monster like him can recognize the foulest men: men who experiment on children and taint others with a touch.
(She worries, worries, worries for Sasuke. For the boy in the snake nest. She worries, but she pretends she doesn't.
She is so, so glad for Sasori's information.)
She both hates Sai and loves him. Mainly, she just wants to rip apart ROOT and its poor excuse for childrearing.
(He is a product of his environment. A monster of someone else's making. How can she hate him for this?)
He is sad, she can tell (can feel it in her very bones), but it is no excuse for antagonizing Naruto. For provoking and poking at open wounds.
She could care less about her beauty, but if that is all he will say about her then so be it. He is a shallow boy, and she will not accept comments on her appearance. He may have received a few too many bruises from her fists, but she refuses to apologize for it. If he cannot respect her body and her person, she will not respect his.
('Weak,' rings in her head like a jail sentence. She refuses it, refuses to be weak. She is strong.
She has to be.
She will be hellfire and brimstone for the cruel. She will be strong and unbreakable. She has no room for weakness.)
Yamato seems exasperated with her and she is almost amused by it all.
(If not for the simmering anger underneath her skin, the unprocessed trauma bubbling in the back of her mind. Whispering, shouting, screaming like an open wound.
It is still so fresh, an untreated tear in her flesh hemorrhaging in her mind, steadily, fueling all her actions with the blood that never stops pouring from her skull.)
She wants to rip Kabuto apart like the people he experiments on; the monster he is does not deserve mercy. She wants to know the age of the youngest child he has torn apart, wants to make him beg and plead like his 'test subjects'.
Wants to hear his screams.
She is ready. She is strong.
(Claws poised over pulsing veins, teeth sharpened for the kill.)
But – red, red, red – chakra fills the air –
(– No, no, no. She isn't strong enough. She isn't strong enough to save him.)
And she is screaming in her mind because this is hatred and Naruto and hatred do not mix so he is burning. She watches his skin peel and she hates, hates Sai running away to do Danzo's dirty work, hates Kabuto's healing hands.
And in her hatred, in her anger so feral and anguished, she runs after Sai.
She isn't strong enough to save Naruto, but Sai has left them. Abandoned them.
(And no, this isn't about Sasuke at all. This isn't because Sasuke left them to taint himself with darkness. This doesn't have anything to do with his betrayal, his abandonment - his sharp kunai cutting Naruto's thigh. His chidori jabbed to kill.
No, her tears are purely the wind in her eyes. Her deep-set bitterness is only for the boy who left them on a breaking bridge to die.)
She wanted to trust him, wanted to give the broken boy a chance; like Naruto does. Naruto always gives monsters a chance.
(A voice in her head mocks her, says that's why he's her friend – that he wants to save her. And sometimes, that's not such a bad thought. Sometimes she wants that too.)
She sees red in the air, in her eyes, her pink hair swaying violently in the edge of her vision. Sees Sai's wide eyes as she digs the kunai under his chin. Sees his fear, his humanity, buried under all that trauma. Buried under his emotional stiltedness.
And she tears herself away with a cry, because this is the first time she has looked someone in the eye before killing them. This is the first time she can see, can understand, that mortality means something.
(And later, she is so, so glad that she didn't kill him. That the little scar underneath his chin is there to remind her of her humanity. That his presence beside her and Naruto in battles is as steady and comforting as a heartbeat.)
And, looking in those fear stained eyes, she dies a little more, falls a little farther, darkens up her world with shadow. She's a monster, she knows this now. She is built of broken glass and gasoline – a Molotov cocktail of self-destruction. A disaster of a soul.
Where is her happiness? Where is her strength besides in body? Why is she here if not for violence and barbarity? Has she turned into the cruel she hates so much? Has she fallen to the whims of brutality? Where is the line she will not cross? Where do her principles begin?
She is a monster now. A demon in the midst of sunny days and smiling faces. She is the sneer on a child's face; the snarl so misplaced; the sharpened smirk of a criminal.
She is corrupted by her hatred of corruption and it is killing her.
(She is killing herself with her madness – with the beast in her soul.)
She is a monster, and she doesn't want to be. Doesn't want to see Sai's wide eyes playing mockingly behind her eyelids. Doesn't want to feel this guilt this self-hatred this humanity in herself claw for freedom.
Because she is a shell of a broken girl who never picked up her pieces. Who played with her shards of a soul rather than built them back up. Who stayed hollow as a drum, taut with tension; a bowstring of viciousness.
This Sakura weeps for she does not know where to begin to be human again.
('Naruto,' her mind whispers, 'Naruto. Naruto can save you.' The boy who plays with beasts and saunters alongside his demons.
Naruto can save her. He can save anyone.)
This Sakura weeps and wails and rises from her broken boned self like a phoenix. She is a determined force. This Sakura will never be soft, she will always be sharp edges and straight lines, but she will make herself whole again.
(She will be strong in body and mind. She will be a taped together picture of perfection. She will be better.
She will be whole.)
She pushes down the beast in her that wants to kill, kill, kill at the sight of Sai tied up – traitor, traitor, traitor – pushes it down.
(Swallows it like broken glass.)
And watches him fight Kabuto with an unhinged grin, glad that for once she has made a positive difference.
(For once, she feels good.)
Sai meets Sakura's eyes and although he can't remember the last time he has felt proud, seeing Sakura's broad toothed smile – fierce, feral and genuine – reminds him how it feels to be satisfied with oneself.
They face Sasuke down and Sakura is once more so very happy that she spared Sai. Sai's hands grip Sasuke's tanto and she almost rushes over to turn his blade back against him.
She pushes the urge down because she knows Naruto would never forgive her for it. Would never recognize that Sasuke just tried to kill him and that she wants nothing more than to return the favor.
(Oh, why does she still love this boy of little light – of little love. He is turning into everything she hates and yet he remains rooted besides Naruto in her heart like a particularly stubborn leech.)
They return to Konoha with new vows inside of each of them – new perspectives and ideals swimming in their heads.
Sai watches his… friends and smiles, strange and stilted but real (for him, it is so very real).
Naruto begins to train, begins to get stronger – his ambition is palpable, his determination unwavering. Just like Sakura's, but Sakura's has changed. Has morphed from single minded goals to broad sweeping ideals.
Sakura feels and feels and smiles in a new kind of satisfaction during her shifts at the hospital. She feels relief at every saved life, feels joy at a child leaving with a smile on their face. She saves because she wants to help, wants to see her hands mend people back together.
She feels and feels and almost topples over from the immensity of it all.
But this is just the beginning.
(This isn't the end.)
The Leaf Village begins their assault on the Akatsuki and she is beyond surprised when Asuma dies.
She volunteers team 7 to back up team 10 immediately after hearing of Shikamaru's plan and is more than frustrated when it is revealed that Naruto's new jutsu must be completed if they want to help.
(He is working so hard and she will not make it seem like she would be disappointed if he does not complete this impossible task.
But she also knows that Naruto is the master of doing the impossible.)
She is prouder than she can express when Naruto and Yamato fetch her to back up team 10. She follows Yamato's orders begrudgingly and is more than pleased to hear how well Naruto did, and is beyond angry that the jutsu he needed to protect himself hurt him as well.
How strange to hate the meta-physical.
Sasuke kills Orochimaru and she feels a grim satisfaction at that, even if the defeat is tinged in bitterness. She cannot even help the twisted pleasure when, although he's still traitor, he kills his brother also.
And then Jiraiya dies and Naruto breaks a little and she is scared because Naruto cannot break or she will break all over again. Naruto is the sun, she is orbiting him and him alone and his splintered light is agonizing.
She hears the name Pein and she hates.
(She will be his reckoning. His heady war-torn spirit will not win against her. She will heal and heal and save and save and Konoha will not be razed to the ground because she will not let it happen.
She will save if only to spite the man who has caused Naruto so much anguish; and by the end of the day, Naruto will be safe no matter what.)
And Naruto is safe – forgiving and forgetting like this man did not just break his heart as if it were merely a piece of fine china, fragile and brittle. And she wants to cry but she only laughs, because this is Naruto. What else did she expect?
She hears whispers, though, the stirrings of war and she halts. Her thoughts are weak and she hates herself for it but she cannot stop the primal despair and astonishment that goes through her when Tsunade lies in a coma, unseeing and unfeeling as the world falls to pieces around her.
Danzo – the crooked man that she wants to rip and tear to see his blood ooze out of his veins slowly and painfully, the crooked man that is watching Naruto, that is playing power games and hurting Sai –
( God how could she ever think of hurting him –
– Sai.)
Danzo plays Hokage and she trembles in rage and anger, it only grows when she hears that Sasuke has joined the Akatsuki and she has to hold herself back from flaying him alive right then and there because Sasuke –
– Sasuke has just crossed a line that she had hoped he never would. She was already so close to unleashing her anger upon him, Naruto being the only thing holding her back, but now?
She is furious and there is nothing that anyone can do to stop her – the madness playing on her face seeps in like water and many shudder because how could they have forgotten the bloodthirsty beast that stalked inside her chest. How could they forget the look of murder that could darken pale green eyes to emerald?
(Sasuke has joined the Akatsuki and she will not show mercy to a boy who seeks to capture and kill his childhood best friend.)
This Sakura cannot lie to Naruto, though. Cannot play with him like a toy – refuses to.
This Sakura has sworn off men and the pleasures of the skin. This Sakura does not want to play romance on the battlefield of life.
(Doesn't want love. Doesn't need it.
Doesn't. Doesn't. Doesn't – she doesn't! She really doesn't want love!
Does she? She does, she does, she does!)
Oh, she has lost her monstrous brutality (to a certain degree) and learned mercy but she is still healing. This is a process that will take more than understanding that mortality means something.
Her sewn up heart is still torn in places. This is a patchwork job that will take years.
(This isn't the end of this all.)
Her morals are still a convoluted mess that even she doesn't understand, but she knows that Sasuke needs to be stopped, so she prepares to kill herself if it kills Sasuke along the way.
Naruto doesn't need to be told an empty love confession for him to step aside as he sees her face – the solemn promise of death with an unrestrained fury underneath. If he focuses hard enough he can almost taste blood in his mouth and he thinks he can feel the cuts of kunai on the harsh and snowy winds that surround her body.
So she prepares to die, to kill Sasuke and die - she just doesn't get to.
(Naruto's arms wrap around her, steady and strong and warm, so very warm.)
She wants to claw out Sasuke's filthy Uchiha eyes. Wants to shout that she believed in him, that against all odds she had loved him. She wants to bear her soul and scream until her throat bleeds raw in anguish and hatred –
Because you need to love someone before you can hate so completely as this.
And, oh, this hate. It is spitting underneath her skin and she wants to bathe in his blood.
This boy of little faith. This boy of brittle faith that crumbles under his electric palms, that stifles under his bloody fists.
This boy is not a boy anymore and she hates the man he has become.
(She hates and she hates and she hates and she –
she is so tired of all this. Why is she even here if she is only made to hate and hate and hate?
Why does she hate at all? Why do they make her hate so much?)
But Naruto is there, and Kakashi and –
Oh why does she even try?
So they leave, abandoning the boy to his darkness and she feels a dark pleasure in that. There is no guilt as she leaves him to stew in his emptiness. At this point, all of his misfortune is reaped by himself.
She has no more patience for him.
They are readying for war, sending Naruto off and raising the banners of five nations to fight off a force much bigger than themselves. She is scared in a way that raises the hairs on the back of her neck and makes her eyes flitter from one corner to the next.
She is scared in a way that makes her muscles taut for a fight and her fingers itch for her kunai pouch.
She is scared but she is ready and every cell in her body knows it.
(She will raze Madara Uchiha and all his army to the ground.)
They start with the headbands – allied shinobi forces – and then comes the unit placements until, suddenly, the separation between nations seems obsolete in the face of their forced diversity. She is rubbing skin with those she might have killed on sight mere months ago and it is strange to heal their wounds.
The days blur and she is swaying on her feet. Her vision is blackening but she stands strong – her medical prowess is well known and there is no time for her to rest. She cannot bow out of this, cannot claim exhaustion when there are people bleeding out beneath her palms.
So she draws the chakra to her hands, stitching flesh and mending sinew; she is a bloody mess of restoration for the waning souls that come under her heavy fist.
And when White Zetsus turn them against each other and bring chaos to the camp, she levels her head and fights back.
(Because this is war and she will not falter in the face of the enemy.)
The information she reports to headquarters is lifesaving and she smiles, pleased in a way that she hasn't been in a long time. Pleased about winning the war or saving people, she isn't quite sure.
But she is pleased and it warms her to her core.
The battle rages on and soon, even the medics must prepare for the front line.
She is oh so ready to fight back.
(Her hand twitches to her weapons in anticipation and her blood pumps quicker than lightning. She is ready to spill their blood and wash the fields in their failure. The world will not bow to their arrogance. The world will not bow to their whims.)
The Allied Shinobi Forces gather for what is most probably their final fight and she breathes in pure adrenaline, focusing on the chakra pumping through her rushing legs. They reach the valley and fight long and hard, putting their all into trapping the beast, but even with Naruto's help it is no use.
Naruto is injured amidst the destruction of the great battle – violence stews in every corner of the ruined valley but she focuses on him as the countless lives trickle out of existence. Today, a thousand souls have twinkled into stardust and she cannot bring herself to grieve for all that she loves is still safe.
(She has not seen Neji fall nor watched her sensei be torn in half. She does not know the sting of grief yet, but she will.)
The Allied Shinobi forces give their all, but even then, it is not quite enough so when the resurrected Kage arrive, she is more than happy to let them take on this larger than life foe.
(If only Naruto didn't join them as well.)
But then Sasuke arrives and she sees red – red like the blood on Naruto's jacket when Sasuke stabbed a chidori through his chest – but Naruto is there again, blocking her with his arm. And she knows, knows in her very soul, that he is here to help.
Somehow, it makes her even more angry.
And he is giving speeches! Speeches of greatness and she is fuming, the bloodlust roiling off her in waves.
He says he will become Hokage and not even Naruto can hold back his anger so they attack as one until Hashirama reminds them of what's at stake, but she is not ashamed. What is one second lost if this boy is still ignorant? What is the cost of this boy's pain?
(She will not let him get away with his misdeeds.)
She does not even need to explain that she isn't weak anymore because Naruto and Sasuke can see her strength and have seen it countless times before. This Sakura has refused weakness from the very start and her strength ripples across the air like an indomitable cloud of
terror, reaping her enemy's souls.
She swipes her hands across the clones and the clay soldiers fall to her feet like dominos. Her fists make thousands bow down in submission and her fingers break the flesh of those few who deny her. The clones fall but there are far too many and Naruto and Sasuke join forces to fight the main host.
She is left to the thousands of wounded soldiers. Her chakra is depleting and her strength is waning, but she refuses to succumb to her fatigue.
(She will not be weak.)
They restrain the Ten-Tails as best as they can but against all odds, Obito becomes its' jinchūriki. The tree rises and people's very lives drain in front of her eyes.
(And still, she does not grieve.)
But Shikamaru is there too, and there is nothing Katsuyu can do, so she rushes to his side and prays that she can save him. But there is no religion in her heart, no spirit in her bones that she believes in. No, her prayers are wrapped in the sticky blood of decaying corpses. Her prayers are of brittle bones and dried out husks of men.
(Her prayers are wrapped in violence so that no violence can reach them.)
But her prayers are not working and despair lays like a blanket over the battlefield. She pushes and pushes but he is fading and she tries everything until – Naruto's chakra rushes over him like a warm gust of wind and his skin begins to glow with health. Shikamaru looks at Sakura's relieved and sweaty face and can only see the woman she has become. The shy little girl from the academy has all but vanished from his mind.
The battle rages on behind her as she heals and heals and heals, until Gaara arrives, worry clear on his face, and tells her something she'd never thought she'd hear. She sits beside Naruto, incredibly low on chakra, and refuses to see his downfall.
(Naruto – the boy who saved a thousand men. Naruto – the boy who was too bright for this world. Naruto – the boy she thought would never die.)
Naruto was sitting in her arms, dying, choking on his last wisps of life like he was drowning.
She refused to see it happen.
(She will not be weak. She will not let her people die. She will not let him die.
She will not – she refuses to.)
But Naruto has lost Kurama, and his heartbeat is waning fast. They rush to the fourth Hokage but she is not sure they'll make it in time.
It is a split-second decision, but it is the only way. She slices his side and reaches her hand in to cover his pumping heart with her fist. She begins to squeeze and meets his mouth to keep him alive. It is a play of primitive practices and bloody, empty hopes, but she hopes anyways.
It is a relief when they reach the fourth, but she does not stop pumping her hand around Naruto's heavy heart. Even as he performs the transference, she remains steadfast.
But Black Zetsu interferes and the hole in her heart that was slowly mending back together breaks free. The hope she had been building crushes and her chest feels like a vacuum.
Naruto – Naruto has no chance left anymore.
No, no, no! He won't die! He can't! Naruto is life itself! He is the sunshine on a stormy day, the light at the end of the tunnel. He is her savior and her friend, the boy who just can't die or she'll die along with him.
He's still here and she feels dead just by allowing herself the possibility. Is this grief?
(But she will not let him die, she will not watch his breaths stutter to a stop. She will not!)
She keeps pumping.
But Obito fights back against the Black Zetsu and somehow regains control. Against all odds, Naruto makes it.
The relief hits her like an avalanche, the stress melting into euphoria and she giggles madly with her glee. Grief could be such a troublesome emotion, especially unwarranted.
But then he asks her for a favor and she almost laughs. She thinks, 'healing Naruto was your payment for destroying hundreds of lives, you just got yourself even,' but she bites her tongue, the blood tasting strangely sweet. He asks her to destroy the rinnegan and she smiles, viciously, eager to maim that which had hurt so many lives. This Sakura stabs Obito's eye without even batting her lashes and so much changes from just that, that it might be the biggest difference.
She is spat out of the other dimension just as Madara appears and tenses for a fight. Madara reappears, livid, his eyes locking with her bloody kunai as he charges. Her chakra coalesces and her Byakugō races across her skin in striking lines that make her darkened eyes pop like emeralds. She straightens and then rushes forward to meet him, her leg muscles bunching and pushing with the force of her propulsion.
He is too much for her, though –
(Weak, they called her weak. She is not weak.)
– and Naruto and Sasuke rush in to back her up. Their hands are seals, opposites and reflections of each other and they seek to touch him simultaneously.
She can help with that. Madara can slice her bare before she will give up. She flips around him, intent on distraction and watches as Naruto and Sasuke join together an Amaterasu fueled Rasen-Shuriken. She holds onto the staff that has dug clean through her rib cage and out through her back and digs her heels into the ground so he cannot move. She flings her head back to avoid the flames and relishes in the pain she sees contort the Uchiha's face.
In seconds, he is sealed away.
(She will never be weak – her flesh burns as it sputters closed, muscle and tissues drawing together and knitting back to form smooth skin. Her mouth is bloody, but it tastes sweet. The pain is numb to her and she relishes in the slick of her tongue on her stained teeth.)
But Black Zetsu still lurks and he informs them of his deception as he attacks Sasuke for his eyes. Kaguya Ōtsutsuki is only a concept to them, a far-off villain of the night and they fight Black Zetsu with all their might to prevent even the chance of her resurrection.
Her Byakugō has diminished and her chakra is dangerously low as she sways in front of her enemy and she is unsure if she will even be able to take a step forward. This is her fourth day of constant chakra usage and she is wary of her remaining usefulness.
But, no!
(She will not be weak!)
She straightens her stance, resolve pushing away the reservations and boiling her blood for battle. Her kunai flashes and her hair sways with the chakra heavy air. It flits in her face like a curtain of pink, reminding her of innocence and making her snarl in defense.
(The delicate flowers in Konoha's fields were the same color and she used to sit among them crying, wailing her fears to the sky. Pink makes her think of fragility and the petals felled on paths that she crushes under her heel. Pink reminds her of her failures.
Pink makes her heart flutter with resolve. She will not be the delicate flower of her namesake, for she will bloom into a steel bouquet. She will be tough as iron and sharp as a knife, her stem thorny in retaliation.)
The rookie eleven arrive – missing Neji, oh god, no, where's Neji – and she almost collapses in relief. The Kages join their side and she knows there is no chance left for the creature in front of her.
He knows it too, and runs in fear from their glaring stares. He does not make it far before Sai seals Black Zetsu away with his ink drawings. They avoid the horrors of a chakra goddess, unknowing of even the extent of her prowess.
All is greater than it could have been, just because of her pure viciousness. It's ironic that her demons saved the world from so much strife. Her taste for gore saved countless lives before they could even begin to form.
(There is no thought in her mind on what could have been. There is no inkling of a chance to her that in some other life she may not have reacted so instantaneously.)
But Sasuke – stupid, stupid boy – wants to kill Naruto, wants to take over the world. The surrounding leaf village ninja are incensed and she is quivering with hatred. This shell of a man has spat on everything she loved and trampled her heart like a bulldozer. He has betrayed Naruto and her a thousand-fold and she was just letting him back in?
When did she become such an optimist to think he would have truly changed? Saving the Earth is not such a noble thing if you're one of its occupants.
(She forgot that he could have joined selfishly. Stupid, how could she have not seen?)
So, she throws her kunai straight at his head with a narrow-eyed glare, and spits, "You wish."
She knows she cannot beat him – can feel his power from afar – but she will not take his tyranny lying down.
But, Naruto intervenes, saying he wants to fight him alone and although she protests, she knows this fight will be out of her league. She would only be a nuisance to both sides if she were to attempt any aid at all.
So, she watches, with hatred spilling out of her eyes like tear drops, as two boys (barely men) try to tear each other apart.
They fight to unconsciousness and she falls to its realm as well as they somehow reconcile over their shattered pieces.
How is it that after all this time, they still fit together so well? Like a jigsaw puzzle of broken glass.
Sasuke reaches her after his change and she is still so angry, so hurt, but he holds out his arm and –
She takes it in her own, pulling him into a hug while tears of relief, pain, and anger – she doesn't even know which – fall down her cheeks.
She takes his severed arm and her hands glow green as she heals the boy who has caused her so much pain. She realizes that she just made a choice that will define everything, and somehow, she can't find it in herself to care.
And, on this day, she realizes that she is stronger than her demons, fiercer than her fears, and now, on this day full of mercy and kindness and choice, she blooms. Not out of violence, not from the strength set deep into her bones, but from the wreck of a person she was before. This Sakura blooms twice – in violence and in humanity.
(Where is her weakness now?)