Title: Smoking is Bad
Rated: K
Warnings: Hints of Yaoi, but you have to be SUPER SENCITIVE to find it.
Written For: We use to have an account (Tag-Your-It) that we would dare eachother to write stories for. One a week, and it was ok, but not it's dead so I've desided to repost it all here. Mine at least.
Edward Elric yawned loudly as he climbed groggily out of his bed. He walked into the bathroom, had a quick shower, brushed his teeth, and did what he needed to do. He walked back into his bedroom, the intent of getting dressed in his mind. He had work today so he pulled on his usually bight black pants and black shirts. He pulled one sock on, and then the other.
"Brother?" Al's voice said from the kitchen. "What do you want for breakfast?"
Ed stumbled into the room, white socks clashing with the black badly. He sat down at the table. "Coffee is fine Al, thanks." He answered.
Al smiled. Ed could always tell when his brother was smiling, even being a suit of armour without a face. It must be a brother thing.
Ed took the coffee gratefully, drinking it slowly and savouring the taste. When he was done he put the mug into the sink lazily and started heading for the front door. "I'm going now Al." he announced. "Are you coming?"
"Not today brother. I was going to stay here for today and tidy up. This place is filthy and I know you're not going to do it." Al said, his voice giving of its usual metallic echo. Ed hardly noticed.
"Alright" he said. "See ya."
He pulled on his coat first, the bright red adding color to the otherwise completely black outfit. He slipped his automail leg into its black combat boot first, and then his right. Or at least he tried to slip his right foot into the boot. Picking it up he peered into it, curious as to what could possibly be stopping him from putting it on. Ed slipped his hand in and fished around for a second before drawing out a folded piece of yellowing paper, like a scrunched up card. Opening it, he read:
Welcome,
You have just been dared by Koigokoro-Love! You have three days to complete this dare. If you do not complete it within the specified time, or get caught, simply do not do it, you will find that all your black clothing will have bleach stains on them, ruining them forever. Now: you are dared to find a way to get Jean Havoc to not smoke a single cigarette for at least 24 hours strait.
Good luck.
So, he had to stop Jean from smoking for at least 24 hours? Well, that was impossible. Scrunching up the letter Ed stuffed it into his pocket, stuffed his remaining foot into his remaining boot and continued out the door.
Work was boring. Nothing ever happened, and when it did you didn't want it too. Ed had been set to do paper work along with the rest of the office, with the exception of Risa who was already done.
"I didn't know you were left handed, Ed?" Havocs voice said in his ear.
Ed jumped in surprise. Looking over his shoulder he answered, "Yeah, I am. It's really awkward to write with automail, so I switched hands."
Jean laughed. "Oh, yeah. That makes sense."
Ed looked at the cigarette hanging out of Havocs mouth. It was almost at its end. "You know, you should really stop smoking one day. It's bad for your health," Ed said, remembering the crumpled letter in his pocket.
Havoc shrugged. "I figure I'm going to die one day, why not get it over with?"
"Jean," a foreboding voice said. Both of the men looked up to see Risa Hawkeye staring right at them from across the room, hand on her gun. "Stop distracting Edward."
"Yes ma'am!" Havoc said shivering. He gave her his best salute before going back to his desk. Edward follows Jean with his eyes until the man is properly seated at his desk and leaning over a stack of paperwork. Maybe that letter wasn't impossible, he thinks as he turns back to his own paper work.
Out of the corner of his eye Ed sees Havoc leaning forward. Turning he sees the man put his hand in his back pocket and fish out a pack of cigarettes. Pulling out a single smoke, Jean lights it before placing the pack back into his back pocket and turning back to the paperwork.
Ed paled. He had to fish out a pack of cigarettes from Jean Havoc's back pocket! How the hell was he going to do that! Whoever made up this dare was sick and perverted. Really sick… and really really perverted.
Ed spent the next few hours worrying. He had managed to convince himself to save his black clothing, but how was he going to do this without the entire military thinking he was some sort of homosexual creeper? The opportunity arose that day at lunch.
Instead of going down to the mess hall to eat Risa assigned Ed and Jean to pick up some food from the bakery. Jean had changed into civilian clothing and switched his pack to his coat pocket.
Out on the street Jean tried to pick up conversation again by asking Ed about Al.
"He stayed at home today. Something about me being a slob and he needing to clean up." Jean laughed.
"I would never have guessed." They walked in silence again, Ed too distracted by the lump in the man walking next to him's pocket to keep proper conversation going. Discreetly he moved his hands together, behind his back so Jean wouldn't notice. They touched and he felt the alchemic power spark.
"Hey look were here!" Ed said excitedly, pretending to miss Havoc's arm and grabbing his pocket instead. The pocket disappeared and the cigarettes fell into his hand. Quickly he tucked them into his own pocket without Jean noticing. He repaired the hole when Jean was ordering from the counter. Checking the time he saw it was exactly noon. No smoke must reach the lungs of Jean Havoc until lunch tomorrow. He thought.
"He Ed, did you see my cigarettes when we were in town? I can't find them." Havoc asked when he got back into the change room. His last one must have been finished.
"No, I didn't." Ed said taking another bite of the sandwich he was eating.
"You smoke too much anyway, Jean." 2nd Luet. Brenda said from across the room. "Try taking a break from it for once."
"Alright, I'll get another pack when works over." He said.
Ed sighed inwardly. He didn't have to worry about anything until… how the hell was he supposes to stop Jean from smocking after work hours!
Ed snapped out of his state of shock only when Risa dismissed everyone. "Hey, wait up Jean, I'll come with you. I live right near you anyway." He called to the 2nd Luet. who he was now set on stalking.
"Alright Ed. Hope you don't mind me stopping to get another pack along the way though. I'm dieing without it right now!" he laughed.
"Work was so boring today, don't you think?" Ed said, trying to make conversation the reason he was going to walk home with Jean.
"Yeah, it was. I can't believe Roy made us do that."
"Probably thought it was piling too high." Ed laughed.
"It was. Didn't you see his office?" Ed shook his head, looking bemused. "Well, the papers reach up to your waist and stretch out almost as far as the door! It's hard to walk!"
"Wow! Really?"
"Yeah. One sec, I'm just going to pop in here for a second alright?" Jean said, pointing to a convenience story.
"Sure," Ed said, following him in.
Jean bought is pack and, once they stood outside, stuck his hand in his pocket to find his lighter. It wasn't there. He laughed again. "One more second Edward."
Waiting outside Edward watched as Jean spoke to the man at the counter, laughing about having to come back in. Nervously Ed stuck his hands back into his pocket, brushing the stolen pack of cigarettes and dropping in the newly stolen lighter.
"Alright, here we go." Jean said, reaching back into his pocket only to find the new pack to be missing again. "What the--. Oh, never mind. I'm sure I have another pack at home."
"You ok?" Ed asked.
"Yeah, but now my new pack is missing. You don't happen to be stealing them do you?" Jean asked light heartedly.
"No. Why would I do that?" Ed laughed with him, slightly more nervously. Instantly he put his hands in his coat pocket where the stolen cigarettes and lighter now were.
"No idea. So were do you live Ed? I never see you taking this way to work." He asked.
Sweat started to form at the back of Ed's neck. "Oh, it's a bit passed your house I think." He said, brushing off the comment.
"Really? I'll have to come visit some time."
"Yeah, you will." He said, reminding himself to never, ever, invite Jean Havoc over.
"Well, this is my place. See you tomorrow Edward." Jean said, waving and walking up the steps to a small house, cramped somewhat awkwardly between two others.
"See ya," Ed waved, continuing to walk right by. Once Havoc was inside he doubled back. Using Alchemy he formed a hole and slipped into Jeans basement.
Conversation could be heard above, but Ed couldn't make out any words. Creeping up the stares he cracked the basement door open and peered around the edge. Jean was talking to another man, about Jeans age, with dark brown hair a strong jaw.
"—and they just kept disappearing!" Jean said.
"Well, sorry Jean, I smoked the last one two hours ago. There might be another pack up in your bedside table though." The other man said.
"Alright, I'll go check." Jean said to the other.
"But really, you smoke about a pack a day. You really should try and stop." The man called.
"Thanks George, but I haven't had one since lunch!" He called from the closet where he was hanging up his coat.
The man named George rolled his brown eyes and turned away. Taking the chance Ed darted out the basement and up the stairs. Looking into each door it only took him two try's to find a bed room. He ripped open the bedside table, but nothing was there. Searching through all he found were a few books, papers, and an abandoned lighter.
Hearing footsteps Ed dove under the bed. The footsteps stopped, a door opened, but no one came into the bedroom. That was when Ed realised that there where new military uniforms in the open cupboard.
Putting his ear to the wall Ed heard someone moving around. He created a small hole, big enough to see through, and close to the floor. Looking through he saw shoes. This must be the cupboard. Moving slightly left and re-filling in the hole he had made Ed created another space big enough for him to fit in. Once on the other side he closed that too, and peered around the edge of the closet. Jean was facing the other way, on the other side of the bed.
Using moves he had learned during his training Ed rolled silently from the cupboard to the bed, and shuffled his way up to the dresser. Seeing Jean moving to open the window Ed used alchemy to jam it shut. That should keep Havoc busy for the moment.
Opening the drawer and keeping his ear sharp to the sounds of Havoc's misery with the window Ed grabbed the pack that was sitting on top of the books and other gadgets. Closing the door he snuck under the bed and, only because he felt sorry for the man, un-jammed the window.
The frustrated groans of 2nd Luet. Jean Havoc could be heard from above as he opened the bedside drawer. "Stupid day…" He muttered. "George! There's none up here!" Jean shouted.
"Then get another pack in the morning! I have dinner made." George's voice called back up through the house.
"What a nice room mate." Jean muttered. "Dinner, but no smokes."
Edward remained under the bed the rest of the night, listening for the door when Jean was downstairs, and holding his breath and trying to make his stomach not growl as loud when Jean was upstairs. He slept over at the house that night, waking up in an irritable mood because he had been squished under a bed on a hard floor the whole night. The prospect of keeping Jean from smoking for another six hours didn't make him happy either.
He followed Jean out, stalking him as the man made his way back to the convenience store.
Ed's planes were good, at least in his mind. To the first convenience store he transmuted the boxes on the shelves into a solid pack of paper, the remaining chemicals jammed as tightly as possible into the middle. The second he hadn't gotten a chance too, so he merely made Jean trip and drop them all into a puddle in the middle of the road. The third and final store was the trickiest. Jean had come out of the store already holding one in his mouth. To Ed's annoyance he had pretended to be a child, hiding his coat and running quickly past Jean, grabbing the pack from his hands and knocking the one in his mouth out and grabbing it from mid air. He thanked his training for his amazing abilities in that moment.
Another day of paper work made the final hours of his dare simple. All he had to do was stall an irritable Jean, who had had almost less sleep them Edward himself, so that he didn't walk out. It was simple; move all of Ed's paperwork to Jeans desk without anyone noticing.
"I GIVE UP!" Jean roared at 10 to 12, eyes practically burning with more heat then Mustang could have created with his gloves.
"On what?" Ed asked. He really did feel sorry for the man, honest.
"On life! The last day has been dreadful! I haven't had a smoke since lunch yesterday. I NEED a smoke!"
"Calm down Havoc, you can get one on your lunch break." Brenda said.
"No! I need one now!"
"Don't leave us here to do paper work on our own." Fuery chimed in. He was instantly grabbed by the shirt and pulled inches to a smoking Havoc's face.
"I need it NOW!!" Jean fumed, enunciating every syllable.
"Calm down, Jean. Get back to work." Mustang said.
"Yeah, Fuery's right. It's not fair if you leave it all up to us." Ed piped in.
Havoc turned slowly to face him. "You…" He breathed.
Uh-oh. Ed thought, knowing the danger of getting caught… or killed. Both wouldn't do.
"Have you been stealing my cigarettes?" Havoc whispered, death written on everything about him.
"Why would I do that?" Ed asked innocently.
"Every time yesterday that I went to buy a new pack you were their."
"Well then get one in the morning Jean. Ed had nothing to do with it." Mustang said, slightly frightened.
"You'd think that wouldn't you!" Jean laughed. He was sounding steadily more insane by the minute. And he only had a minute left! Unfortunately for Edward, Jean's mind broke in that minute. Havoc lunged for the gun in Hawkeye's hand, catching her off her guard. Grabbing it he ran to Edward, put his arm around the boy's shoulders and held the gun to the side of the blonds head. "Give me back my luck or else!"
The rest of the office stared blankly at the crazy man holding Edward hostage.
He… took… he took my gun! Hawkeye thought pathetically, still shocked that he had gotten it out of her hands.
Always knew he was nuts, Brenda thought, excitement taking over the concern. Fuery and Falman owe me money for this! I can't believe he's missing this!
All over a pack of cigarettes! Damn… he really was crazy. Fuery thought stunned.
Edward… Roy thought slightly panicking for the poor blonds well being.
The clock in the office chimed 12 and Edward let out a break. "How bout we go get you another pack Jean. I'm sure someone in this building can spare you one." He said calmly.
"Oh!" Roy said. "One second, I'll be right back!" He rushed into his office, returning with a pack of cigarettes in his hand. He tossed them at Havoc in surrender. "Now hand back Ed, or I'll fire you."
But Jean wasn't listening. He was on all fours, grabbing like a child for the dropped pack and fumbling in his pocket for the lighter he had bought the day before. Once he had both in hand it took him no time at all to light up, leaving the rest of the office to stare at him.
"Hey guys? What's up?" Falman asked brightly, coming in late. "The train was delayed yesterday so I only got in a few hours ago. I brought back a letter for you Roy and – what's wrong with Jean?"
Note to self… Ed thought. Do not take cigarettes away from Jean Havoc unless you are suicidal. Also, do not fulfil any dares from anonymous letters.
Another moan of pleasure came from the center of the floor, where Jean was sitting in a slump, a look of haven on his face.
Whoever Koigokoro-Love is, they sure have a twisted sense of humour…