This just came to me, and it explains why Jasper always looks like he has a stick up his ass. He's not allowed to do any fun stuff! This is Fifty Things Jasper Is not Allowed to Do!

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1. Use Post-It Notes

2. Have any supply of alcohol

3. Tell drunk gay sex stories about the Civil War

4. Watch Nick Swardon's Pretend Time

5. Quote stuff from Nick Swardon's Pretend Time

6. Go to strip clubs

7. Give Rosalie a haircut

8. Give Alice a haircut

9. Teach Edward how to French kiss

10. Teach Edward various sex positions

11. Get his skin bronzed

12. Get an odd nickname

13. Join Jersey Shore

14. Wear skinny jeans

15. Go to the hospital with Carlisle on Bring-A-Child-To-Work day

16. Tell Bella that Edward chose Jacob

17. Tell Edward that Bella chose Jacob

18. Tell Jacob that Bella chose Jessica

19. Pour more glitter on the others

20. Go around Irish guys and scream "He's after me lucky charms!"

21. Sing show tunes at the local bar

22. Read the Twilight Saga

23. Watch the Twilight Saga

24. Egg Charlie's house during a "power orgy"

25. Go to the Volturi and ask for some sugar from Jane

26. Use his empathy powers to make random people horny

27. Play the Sims using real people he kidnapped

28. Go bar hopping with Emmett

29. Stick his "pee-pee" in the water hose

30. Argue with children under three

31. Go to a high school reunion and ask, "This isn't the class of 1865? My bad."

32. Go to a wedding to try to get a woman to sleep with him

33. Go to a funeral to try to get a woman to sleep with him

34. Go to a funeral/wedding to try get to a man to sleep with him

35. Hold up a vibrator in an adult shop and say loudly, "Edward will love this."

36. Shoot Bella and break the news to Edward

37. Scream, "I didn't enter!" as Edward runs after him with his pants pulled down

38. Make videos of intense conversation and put it on Youtube labeled "the talk."

39. Cut Carlisle's head out of photos and replace it with a Emmett throwing up booze

40. Make a list of things Jasper can do

41. Send letters labeled "Entry to Hogwarts denied because you are a total douche bag" to people

42. Stick his "pee-pee" in the toaster

43. Make pot brownies

44. Make crystal meth cupcakes

45. Wear tube tops and a witch's hat claiming to be a prostitute

46. Ask Alice to get a boob job

47. Ask Alice to wear a bag over her head while having sex

48. Ask Rosalie if she would participate in a power orgy with the other Cullens and Charlie

49. Ask Rosalie why he hasn't decided to have children yet

50. Dress up in old Civil War uniform and shout, "Drop down and give me 20!" at random people

...

This doesn't make a shred of sense because I haven't had sleep in over 25 hours.