Fighter Pilot in Training Pants

Part 3 of Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Toilet Series

A/N 1: A sequel to Deep Deep Water, How To Train Your Mini Marine, and James and the Giant Whoops. While this story can stand by itself, you might be a little lost without reading its predecessors.

A/N 2: Contrary to my son's assumptions, only parts of this story were based on trying to train him!

Harm is flabbergasted by the fact that both of his children can speak three languages by the time they are three years old, yet they can't seem to master the concept of using the "big potty". Mac figured that since she and Harm were fluent in international law, her children should be fluent in several languages. It would be easy to teach them, since she was fluent in several herself. She rationalized that she was solidifying their future worth regardless of what country we were at war with in later years.

He thought that training Trisha was hard, but he was at wits end trying to train Matthew! Mac was pregnant again so once again potty training fell to dad. He was really going to have to work on his schedule of impregnating Mac! As if! There was no planning of any kind involved. There was a never a time that they took preventative measures to stop anything. With as often as they went at it, he was surprised they didn't have half a football team living under the roof already. He just couldn't seem to keep his hands off of her, and she didn't seem to mind. They would be meeting with the doctor soon to have her first ultrasound, and she seemed to be packing on more weight than she had with either Trisha or Matthew. She claimed it was just because she was older now and her metabolism was slowing down, but Harm was wondering if there was another reason for it. He vaguely remembered being told once upon a time that women required more body fat than men. He had almost gotten smacked by Jordan for his retort, so he resisted asking Mac if her weight gain was being sponsored by Hostess Twinkies, thinking she probably wouldn't find it funny either. And Mac can be a lot meaner than Jordie ever was. Even if he managed to avoid being physically assaulted by his wife, she would not so politely remind him that he was the one to blame for her weight gain anyway. Best to just avoid that whole conversation altogether.

Firstly, Matthew had a habit of trying to open their door in the middle of the night to announce that he had to go potty. If the door was unlocked, he would open it and flip the overhead light on, thus waking him and Mac up as well. If the room was locked, he would knock repeatedly until one of them came up and acknowledged his presence. He had experienced more than one accident directly outside their bedroom. This usually happened when either Harm or Mac was scrambling to put some clothes on before opening the door. Secondly, the poor boy had no aim whatsoever. For the son of a fighter pilot, this was highly disconcerting. Matthew would go into the bathroom and stand in front of the vanity cupboard with his sleeper unzipped and his "willy" out, ready to fire. Either Harm or Mac would have to slide him over to where the toilet was, and sometimes it was too late as Matthew was already mid-stream. Even if you got him in front of the toilet, he still hit the wall, the floor, and anything else but the inside of the toilet. It also didn't help that Matthew was growing like a weed, so his point of reference kept changing. He had definitely inherited his father's genes; he was going to be a very tall man when he got older.

Harm decides to read up on some ingenious techniques to see if he can aid Matthew along. He also considers his flight training experience to see if any of the strategic military approaches can be put to use. He might consider applying fluid dynamics, but he highly doubts that Matthew can grasp the concept at age 3. He just knows that he better figure out a solution quick before he ends up with less hair than his former commanding officer, Admiral Chegwidden.

General Cresswell has done some restructuring at JAG and Harm is now the Assistant Judge Advocate General. His new position focuses more on him training the younger attorneys. Several will rotate in for a few months just to attend the training session he has developed in relation to rules of engagement, and to observe how some of the higher profile cases are handled at the headquarters level. Unfortunately, his job also involves him being the investigator on particularly complex cases. While he still loves investigating, with a lovely wife and two children at home now, he prefers to be with them. Thankfully, Bud is still at HQ, and pretty much Harm's right-hand man. He will consult his guru for some advice on training Matthew since Bud has successfully trained two boys already.

It is a particularly slow morning when Harm and Bud are in the conference room working on budgets. Harm decides that now is as good a time as any to ask him for some suggestions. "Hey Bud, do you happen to have any pointers that might assist me in getting Matthew potty trained?"

Bud smiles as the former top gun pilot turned family man and suggests using cereal as a target. "Just throw a few Cheerios or Fruit Loops in the bowl and tell him to aim for the little hole in the middle."

Harm ponders this approach, but considering how bad Matthew's aim is, he thinks he might have to start with larger targets. He chuckles as he tells Bud, "I'm not sure that Matthew is ready for precision strike attacks just yet. However, that does give me an idea of where to start. Would you mind proofing the last section of the comments under the facilities requirements? I'm going to let the General know that I'm securing early, and going to grab Matthew from daycare so that we can get started!"

Bud chuckles at Harm's instant enthusiasm. As Harm is walking away, Bud calls out, "Don't forget to let Mac know that you are leaving early too."

Harm has the good sense to look ashamed. "Good idea. I don't think the little woman would be too happy if I forgot to mention that to her. Thanks, Bud."

Bud shakes his head at his one-time mentor, "Um, Sir?"

Harm looks back, "Yeah, Bud?"

Trying to be as tactful as possible Bud mentions, "Just a thought, but you might want to leave out the little woman part when you tell her. I don't want to have to call an ambulance when you piss off a pregnant Marine."