I am alone.
I lay here on the cold, hard wood floor of a large white tower, waiting to die. Each day I watch the room grow lighter and retreat back into darkness as it changes with the rising sun. I have no knowledge of what is going on outside. I want to know. It is my earnest wish to know. Is everyone okay? Are they alive? What has become of them? Inoue, Chad, Ishida, Hanataro, Ganju, Renji.
Ichigo.
There is no hope to cling to. There was never any hope to cling to. With brother out there, there is no hope. They will all die, if they are not already dead. And it is my fault, simply for knowing them, being with them, making any small amount of contact with them.
Loving them.
It is all my fault. I deserve this. I deserve to have no hope, I deserve to die because I am not here only for the transfer of powers. No, I am here for something far worse. Far worse then giving a mortal my power, far worse then staying to long in the world of the living. No.
I am here for murder.
It is my fault they will die. It is my fault their family and friends will suffer and weep for their loss. It is because of me. Because it is my fault.
I deserve this.
I always stare out the window, its view showing my executioner, the Sokyoku. I do not know why I look out the window. Why look at the thing that will take my life? Or is it that I try to look for my rescuers? Trying to find them, to contact them, to tell them to run...or to tell them to help me? To take me away?
There is no hope.
There can not be any hope. If I believe there is hope, I will only be full of regret as I die. There is no hope. There can not be any hope. No matter how much I want hope. No matter how much I want to cling to that small hope and embrace it. Embrace it to make it a reality.
There is another reason.
Another reason why I go to the window. Not to stare down my death, not to cling to my false hope. It seems that a black butterfly always comes to the windowsill. I know what they are of course, the hell butterfly is a soul's contact and transport. It can send messages to others and it is the only way for a shinigami to go to the human world and come back. I know this. We were taught this at the academy. Yet, this small one comes everyday and stays with me to rest its wings. At nightfall, it flies away again only to return at dawn. I don't know why it is here.
I tell it to leave.
I tell it to leave me alone. Leave me to repent for my crimes, to wither away from my lonliness. I yell and scream and push it away. "Why are you here?! You can not be here?! Why stay with criminal? A failure? A disgrace? A murderer?! Why?!" But no matter what I do, or how much I yell and scream...and cry...
It always comes backs.
It comes back and sits with me by the window. Even when I'm not there, it still comes. I lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling. It comes, let's me know he's here and waits by the window for me to come. He checks on me and makes sure I'm still there. Makes sure I'm alive.
He's my only company.
Look at this, I'm calling it 'he'. I suppose that is because he reminds me of Ichigo...everything does lately. The sunset. Ichigo. The cold floor. Ichigo. The ceiling. Ichigo. But he, truly reminds me if him. I remember when I lived with him for those two months, every night, he would open his closet door and check on me. He thought I never knew, but I did. To check if I'm still there. To check if I'm alive.
To look out for me.
Maybe. Maybe they can do it. I know this is wrong, I know I will die with regrets if I think this but I want them to. I want to be saved. I want them to take me away from this lonely cold tower. To take me back to the human world. Why do I have this hope? When I deserve everything that is happening to me, when I deserve to die, why do I want to live?
The will to live is a human instinct, isn't it?
So I will cling to this one hope, this hope that this little butterfly gave me. For I believe that this is his reason for coming. This little butterfly.
We walk into Soul Society, actually, we fall into Soul Society, hard. Damn it hurt. But before we set out on our journey, I noticed one of those black butterflies Yoruichi told me about. Only I have one. What the hell am I going to do with a flimsy butterfly? Better put it to use, right? So I sent him on a mission.
"Hey, you black thing, find Rukia, and stay with her. I heard she's in the tower right? Check on her and report back to me. I guess I'm used to checking on her. Keep her comapny, keep her safe..."
"And give her hope. 'Cause I'm coming to save her."
I thought of it watching a Bleach ending...and the episodes...there's always a butterfly by her window all the time...maybe its Ichigo's...I think its cute. You should always have hope...even if its small and out of reach. I hope you liked it.