Jackie Chan Adventures, Dragonball Z, Ranma ½, and Leonard Malton are not
owned by me - I wish to infringe no copyright laws in the writing of this
story. Jackie Chan Adventures is the idea of Sony, Jackie Chan, and several
others whom I inconveniently forget at this time. That's unimportant
though.
It was a cold day in San Francisco, and absolutely nothing was going right. First, Captain Black had tried to fax Jade a message, but Uncle, in his unlimited wisdom, destroyed the so-called "Evil" fax machine. It was an important fax too - it had the current whereabouts of the Dark Hand - but we'll get to them later.
At 8:45, the store was supposed to open, but today, things weren't even close. Tohru had misplaced his pants, and Uncle somehow ended up wearing Jade's clothing - even though it was obviously 11 sizes too small, Uncle didn't seem to mind. While Jade (still wearing her pajamas) was searching for a different set of clothes, she found Tohru's missing pants, and... Viper's mask? What was that doing there? Jade wondered. She got her answer when a scream came from the next room.
It was 8:50, and Jackie had just awoke to find Viper sleeping on him - AGAIN - for the FOURTH day in a row this had happened, and Jackie had no recollection of anything ever occurring once. He quickly zoomed out of the room without waking Viper, when he collided with the still scantily-clad Uncle, now wearing only Jade's undergarments. It was official - the "In" color for the Fall Season was Senility.
Jackie and Jade had to work together to try and fetch Jade's clothing and redress Uncle, and it was a struggle. He tossed, and turned, and kicked, and screamed, and eventually just got up and walked out of the store STILL wearing Jade's undergarments. Captain Augustus Black was not ready for a sight like THAT at 9:00 in the morning, and it showed. What was once a clean, white, workout shirt was now drenched in hot coffee. Jackie quickly pulled Uncle back into the store and managed to get Jade's clothes back to her. Captain Black could do naught but stand and scream in the door while his skin was burnt by coffee. It wasn't a good start to the day. Nope - not at all.
"Uncle?!" Jackie asked. "What's wrong with you today?!"
That wasn't a very smart question, as Uncle answered with a two-fingered slap. "You will not question your uncle's motives! It was part of a chi- spell to remove the evil from that device!" The fax machine stood still. It didn't look very evil to Jackie. Jackie also knew that no chi-spell involved wearing an 11 year old's underpants. Uncle was about to begin his chi spell when he was called from the other room.
"Sensei", interrupted Tohru. "El Toro Fuerte has faxed us news of a disturbance down at the Lucha Libre ring at the center of town!" Uncle gave an "AIYA", which Tohru couldn't stand. Another paper came from the fax. "Oh no! Captain Black's superiors are telling us that the Dark Hand has stolen the talismans - again!"
Uncle slapped Tohru. "Talismans are not important! What is important is Jackie's underpants!" Viper, who had just awakened, stepped out from the next room. "If I had a dollar for every time I said that!"
The room was silent until Jackie spoke. "You'd have 62 cents, Viper - now please leave." Jackie demanded that Jade and Tohru escorted Viper out while Uncle pondered where the 62 cents had come from - but then ANOTHER piece of paper came from the fax machine. Tohru read it. "The Pan Ku Box has been stolen by Valmont - again. Signed Valmont. Jeez - he's not very original with these threats, now is he?"
Uncle decided that he would let the villains have their fun - at least for an hour. His store was half an hour late in opening his store. He needed those sales! "Ii-yahhh!" He exclaimed. "I'm going to go buy some tea - if you have not made one sale each by the time I get back, then I'm going to do something not nice!" Indeed, he was planning something not nice.
Jade sighed. "As long as he doesn't go on one of those Viagra Adventures like he did last time - that was sooooooooooooo embarrassing." Captain Black had stepped in just in time to hear Jade's line, and it was a memory he didn't want to bring back. "Don't remind me of that, Jade!" He yelped. All Jade could say was "Sorry 'bout that..."
Jackie, however, couldn't sit idle and wait for a sale. He had to get to the bottom of the three disturbances - and he had to get away from the Viper! He quickly ran to the Lucha Libre ring, with Viper close behind and Jade clinging to his back without him noticing. This left Tohru standing in the middle of the store with Captain Black for about 55 minutes, until Uncle returned - and he was very peeved.
"Ii-yahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" You fools have not made one sin-gle sale yet?! What kind of apprentices are you? Lou-sy ones, that's what you are! You do no work, yet you get myyyy profit which you do not deserve! Where is Viper? And Jade Chan? And... Jackeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"
Captain Black did not like the looks of this - it appeared as though Uncle was about to crack. After the Viagra Saga, he didn't know what to expect from the old man, and the fact he was wearing a bright orange "my first bra and panty set" that was ten sizes too small this morning didn't ease Black's nerves either. He had to get away from that old man.
Tohru's nerves weren't doing much better. It had just occurred to him that Uncle was the one who caused his pants to be missing. He was visiting his mother during the entire Uncle Viagra Saga, but he had heard horrible stories from Shendu, Hsi-Wu, Majin Buu, Soun Tendo, and Paco... Uncle's Antique Shop was the LAST place Tohru wanted to be right now, but Uncle had a surprise for him... an antique pair of fuzzy handcuffs... this was gonna be ugly.
After Tohru escaped Uncle's clutches, he went to hang out in section 13. He noticed Captain Black curled up in a corner. When Tohru asked what was wrong, Captain Black began to stutter, trying to bring words out of his mouth that just didn't want to show up. Tohru thought he heard something about a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue with Uncle, but he couldn't be sure. Come to think of it, he didn't want to be sure. He just pretended that Captain Black wanted his coffee and was nervous without it - a much better thought.
Those on the evil side of things weren't faring much better. Sure, they had all aligned with each other, and they had all twelve talismans, but there was always infighting, and no place to put 30,000 Shadowkhan. It was especially tense because Daolon Wong and Pu Kong (no relation to Daolon Wong or Donkey Kong (who is owned by Rare) or even Louie Armstrong) had learned that all three enforcers, Finn, Ratso, and Chow, all secretly harbored an unrequited love for their charming Englishman of a boss, Valmont. Valmont didn't know about any of the three, but he wasn't into that sort of stuff anyway - ESPECIALLY after the Uncle Viagra Adventure. He preferred women - and NOT of the Pu Kong or Tohru's mom variety (another LONG story). However, Hak Foo knew about all three of the enforcers' feelings, so he stayed away from Valmont in order not to make the others jealous.
The first phrase out of Shendu's mouth was "Set me free so I can enter Jackie Chan's body and take over the world!" He didn't realize he already was free. The first word out of Hsi Wu's mouth was "Jade", so the author of the story fried him right then and there, to the chagrin of many around the world. Valmont smiled - well, one less person to worry about. Tso Lan, Bai Tza, and Dai Gui were playing Monopoly or something like that - some strange game where one could amass more money than Valmont. Tso Lan was playing as the thimble, his favorite. Tchang Zu and Xiao Fung were off in the den, more likely than not watching the Spice Channel. Valmont really hated those dragon-demon sorcerers.
Ratso and Chow knew of each other's feelings for Valmont, so they weren't getting along as of late - but they both thought Finn was straight - a thought that, if anyone who had watched the show regularly would have had, they would have laughed at their own ignorance. Daolon Wong, however, planned to inform them of Finn's point of view. For, you see, Finn had written a poem, entitled "Ode To Val-Halla-Mont", which will not be read right now by anyone except Daolon Wong, and he'll have a field day with it. (He did) Not only did Daolon Wong tell the enforcers of the poem, but he told Valmont of the enforcers' feelings as well.
"You see" Daolon Wong started, "Finn loves Valmont more than you two ever could!" "UH OH!" screamed Ratso at the top of his lungs. "That can't be possible! We - er... I am the right one for Valmont! Finn could never get the great Valmont to go with him!" Chow wasn't happy about the situation either. "Well, what are you going to do then?" Daolon laughed, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Anyway, back to Valmont. The stuck up man in the green suit had many plans, but first and foremost was to get rich, and then find a woman so he could get rid of the enforcers and lead a normal life. He had had enough recurring nightmares about Finn's Leather Strap, and Ratso's Love Tonic, and Chow's Duct Tape To A Bed Technique that he tried to spend as much time as possible with Hak Foo, who he only knew was straight because he had found Foo reading pornographic magazines while he was supposed to be on duty - but he was still the most mature of the enforcers. Valmont really really really hated his life.
Valmont had already released the demons with the Pan Ku Box, so he planned to sell it on E-bay for a hefty sum - it was encrusted in jewels, after all. His dream was to be able to bathe in a tub full of gold coins - that was also Finn's favorite dream, but we'll leave that alone. Anyway, Valmont had to check on his Shadowkhan Minions disturbance at the Lucha Libre ring - they were trying to unearth the omni-masks of power for the Shadowkhan king. Valmont jumped in his super-jet and flew towards the action. Those masks were things that he could use to rob the US Mint, or something of the sort. Maybe even hire better, less bungling enforcers - yes, that would be excellent.
Whatever he was gonna do, he had to do it before Tarakudo, the Shadowkhan king, gathered all nine oni masks. If he did, it wasn't going to be pretty, and nine oni generals would be released - not to mention it might bathe the entire Earth in darkness. Yeah, that would suck. As Valmont approached the Lucha Libre ring, however, he felt ready for anything - anything except what he actually was going to see when he got there. Then again, nothing really could/
Uncle was interested in only one thing. His "co-workers". He was either really senile, really drunk, really aroused, or a combination of the three. He insisted on playing strip poker with his niece and nephew, but they both backed off, not allowing him to fulfill his hopes and dreams. He did, however, find another bottle of his "little blue friend". Jackie couldn't stop him in time, and Uncle took down the entire bottle - again. Jackie could only watch in horror as Uncle once again gave his best Popeye impersonation. Jade's eyes grew as big as volleyballs. Jackie wanted nothing more at this moment than to kill his two closest relatives.
Will Uncle go on another Viagra Adventure? Will Valmont get rich from the Pan Ku Box? What's wrong at the lighthouse? Find out next time!
Read and review! Is it better or worse without the disclaimer? (we all know the answer)
It was a cold day in San Francisco, and absolutely nothing was going right. First, Captain Black had tried to fax Jade a message, but Uncle, in his unlimited wisdom, destroyed the so-called "Evil" fax machine. It was an important fax too - it had the current whereabouts of the Dark Hand - but we'll get to them later.
At 8:45, the store was supposed to open, but today, things weren't even close. Tohru had misplaced his pants, and Uncle somehow ended up wearing Jade's clothing - even though it was obviously 11 sizes too small, Uncle didn't seem to mind. While Jade (still wearing her pajamas) was searching for a different set of clothes, she found Tohru's missing pants, and... Viper's mask? What was that doing there? Jade wondered. She got her answer when a scream came from the next room.
It was 8:50, and Jackie had just awoke to find Viper sleeping on him - AGAIN - for the FOURTH day in a row this had happened, and Jackie had no recollection of anything ever occurring once. He quickly zoomed out of the room without waking Viper, when he collided with the still scantily-clad Uncle, now wearing only Jade's undergarments. It was official - the "In" color for the Fall Season was Senility.
Jackie and Jade had to work together to try and fetch Jade's clothing and redress Uncle, and it was a struggle. He tossed, and turned, and kicked, and screamed, and eventually just got up and walked out of the store STILL wearing Jade's undergarments. Captain Augustus Black was not ready for a sight like THAT at 9:00 in the morning, and it showed. What was once a clean, white, workout shirt was now drenched in hot coffee. Jackie quickly pulled Uncle back into the store and managed to get Jade's clothes back to her. Captain Black could do naught but stand and scream in the door while his skin was burnt by coffee. It wasn't a good start to the day. Nope - not at all.
"Uncle?!" Jackie asked. "What's wrong with you today?!"
That wasn't a very smart question, as Uncle answered with a two-fingered slap. "You will not question your uncle's motives! It was part of a chi- spell to remove the evil from that device!" The fax machine stood still. It didn't look very evil to Jackie. Jackie also knew that no chi-spell involved wearing an 11 year old's underpants. Uncle was about to begin his chi spell when he was called from the other room.
"Sensei", interrupted Tohru. "El Toro Fuerte has faxed us news of a disturbance down at the Lucha Libre ring at the center of town!" Uncle gave an "AIYA", which Tohru couldn't stand. Another paper came from the fax. "Oh no! Captain Black's superiors are telling us that the Dark Hand has stolen the talismans - again!"
Uncle slapped Tohru. "Talismans are not important! What is important is Jackie's underpants!" Viper, who had just awakened, stepped out from the next room. "If I had a dollar for every time I said that!"
The room was silent until Jackie spoke. "You'd have 62 cents, Viper - now please leave." Jackie demanded that Jade and Tohru escorted Viper out while Uncle pondered where the 62 cents had come from - but then ANOTHER piece of paper came from the fax machine. Tohru read it. "The Pan Ku Box has been stolen by Valmont - again. Signed Valmont. Jeez - he's not very original with these threats, now is he?"
Uncle decided that he would let the villains have their fun - at least for an hour. His store was half an hour late in opening his store. He needed those sales! "Ii-yahhh!" He exclaimed. "I'm going to go buy some tea - if you have not made one sale each by the time I get back, then I'm going to do something not nice!" Indeed, he was planning something not nice.
Jade sighed. "As long as he doesn't go on one of those Viagra Adventures like he did last time - that was sooooooooooooo embarrassing." Captain Black had stepped in just in time to hear Jade's line, and it was a memory he didn't want to bring back. "Don't remind me of that, Jade!" He yelped. All Jade could say was "Sorry 'bout that..."
Jackie, however, couldn't sit idle and wait for a sale. He had to get to the bottom of the three disturbances - and he had to get away from the Viper! He quickly ran to the Lucha Libre ring, with Viper close behind and Jade clinging to his back without him noticing. This left Tohru standing in the middle of the store with Captain Black for about 55 minutes, until Uncle returned - and he was very peeved.
"Ii-yahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" You fools have not made one sin-gle sale yet?! What kind of apprentices are you? Lou-sy ones, that's what you are! You do no work, yet you get myyyy profit which you do not deserve! Where is Viper? And Jade Chan? And... Jackeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"
Captain Black did not like the looks of this - it appeared as though Uncle was about to crack. After the Viagra Saga, he didn't know what to expect from the old man, and the fact he was wearing a bright orange "my first bra and panty set" that was ten sizes too small this morning didn't ease Black's nerves either. He had to get away from that old man.
Tohru's nerves weren't doing much better. It had just occurred to him that Uncle was the one who caused his pants to be missing. He was visiting his mother during the entire Uncle Viagra Saga, but he had heard horrible stories from Shendu, Hsi-Wu, Majin Buu, Soun Tendo, and Paco... Uncle's Antique Shop was the LAST place Tohru wanted to be right now, but Uncle had a surprise for him... an antique pair of fuzzy handcuffs... this was gonna be ugly.
After Tohru escaped Uncle's clutches, he went to hang out in section 13. He noticed Captain Black curled up in a corner. When Tohru asked what was wrong, Captain Black began to stutter, trying to bring words out of his mouth that just didn't want to show up. Tohru thought he heard something about a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue with Uncle, but he couldn't be sure. Come to think of it, he didn't want to be sure. He just pretended that Captain Black wanted his coffee and was nervous without it - a much better thought.
Those on the evil side of things weren't faring much better. Sure, they had all aligned with each other, and they had all twelve talismans, but there was always infighting, and no place to put 30,000 Shadowkhan. It was especially tense because Daolon Wong and Pu Kong (no relation to Daolon Wong or Donkey Kong (who is owned by Rare) or even Louie Armstrong) had learned that all three enforcers, Finn, Ratso, and Chow, all secretly harbored an unrequited love for their charming Englishman of a boss, Valmont. Valmont didn't know about any of the three, but he wasn't into that sort of stuff anyway - ESPECIALLY after the Uncle Viagra Adventure. He preferred women - and NOT of the Pu Kong or Tohru's mom variety (another LONG story). However, Hak Foo knew about all three of the enforcers' feelings, so he stayed away from Valmont in order not to make the others jealous.
The first phrase out of Shendu's mouth was "Set me free so I can enter Jackie Chan's body and take over the world!" He didn't realize he already was free. The first word out of Hsi Wu's mouth was "Jade", so the author of the story fried him right then and there, to the chagrin of many around the world. Valmont smiled - well, one less person to worry about. Tso Lan, Bai Tza, and Dai Gui were playing Monopoly or something like that - some strange game where one could amass more money than Valmont. Tso Lan was playing as the thimble, his favorite. Tchang Zu and Xiao Fung were off in the den, more likely than not watching the Spice Channel. Valmont really hated those dragon-demon sorcerers.
Ratso and Chow knew of each other's feelings for Valmont, so they weren't getting along as of late - but they both thought Finn was straight - a thought that, if anyone who had watched the show regularly would have had, they would have laughed at their own ignorance. Daolon Wong, however, planned to inform them of Finn's point of view. For, you see, Finn had written a poem, entitled "Ode To Val-Halla-Mont", which will not be read right now by anyone except Daolon Wong, and he'll have a field day with it. (He did) Not only did Daolon Wong tell the enforcers of the poem, but he told Valmont of the enforcers' feelings as well.
"You see" Daolon Wong started, "Finn loves Valmont more than you two ever could!" "UH OH!" screamed Ratso at the top of his lungs. "That can't be possible! We - er... I am the right one for Valmont! Finn could never get the great Valmont to go with him!" Chow wasn't happy about the situation either. "Well, what are you going to do then?" Daolon laughed, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Anyway, back to Valmont. The stuck up man in the green suit had many plans, but first and foremost was to get rich, and then find a woman so he could get rid of the enforcers and lead a normal life. He had had enough recurring nightmares about Finn's Leather Strap, and Ratso's Love Tonic, and Chow's Duct Tape To A Bed Technique that he tried to spend as much time as possible with Hak Foo, who he only knew was straight because he had found Foo reading pornographic magazines while he was supposed to be on duty - but he was still the most mature of the enforcers. Valmont really really really hated his life.
Valmont had already released the demons with the Pan Ku Box, so he planned to sell it on E-bay for a hefty sum - it was encrusted in jewels, after all. His dream was to be able to bathe in a tub full of gold coins - that was also Finn's favorite dream, but we'll leave that alone. Anyway, Valmont had to check on his Shadowkhan Minions disturbance at the Lucha Libre ring - they were trying to unearth the omni-masks of power for the Shadowkhan king. Valmont jumped in his super-jet and flew towards the action. Those masks were things that he could use to rob the US Mint, or something of the sort. Maybe even hire better, less bungling enforcers - yes, that would be excellent.
Whatever he was gonna do, he had to do it before Tarakudo, the Shadowkhan king, gathered all nine oni masks. If he did, it wasn't going to be pretty, and nine oni generals would be released - not to mention it might bathe the entire Earth in darkness. Yeah, that would suck. As Valmont approached the Lucha Libre ring, however, he felt ready for anything - anything except what he actually was going to see when he got there. Then again, nothing really could/
Uncle was interested in only one thing. His "co-workers". He was either really senile, really drunk, really aroused, or a combination of the three. He insisted on playing strip poker with his niece and nephew, but they both backed off, not allowing him to fulfill his hopes and dreams. He did, however, find another bottle of his "little blue friend". Jackie couldn't stop him in time, and Uncle took down the entire bottle - again. Jackie could only watch in horror as Uncle once again gave his best Popeye impersonation. Jade's eyes grew as big as volleyballs. Jackie wanted nothing more at this moment than to kill his two closest relatives.
Will Uncle go on another Viagra Adventure? Will Valmont get rich from the Pan Ku Box? What's wrong at the lighthouse? Find out next time!
Read and review! Is it better or worse without the disclaimer? (we all know the answer)