Disclaimer: Lyrics are "Let Her Go" by Passenger and the characters are all Rick Riordan. Please do not review saying the lyrics aren't okay, I took most of them out for this exact reason and as much as I think it takes away from it, that's my way of abiding the rules.
It wasn't like Leo liked being alone, it just sort of happened. And he knew he had to leave her but oh god it hurt. So when he heard a song on the radio playing the exact feeling he was suffering through, he decided to learn it. It wasn't like he was the best singer, but he was okay. He was used to being forced to sing in church or during holidays, getting hit when he sounded bad helped a little (note the sarcasm).
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
...
Only know you love her when you let her go
He remembered that kiss and how it felt like the world stopped working. But this was one thing he didn't want to fix, it was okay that it stopped for her. Because oh gods she was worth it. But of course he was forced to leave...
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
...
And you let her go
Images of her fading away into the distance flashed before his eyelids, his heart ripping into pieces. Considering it was already falling apart, it was too easy. So he swore he'd come back for her, because maybe if she could sew him new clothes, she could sew his heart back together.
Staring at the bottom of your glass
He didn't have alcohol on the ship originally, but he started sneaking it in the night in small amounts. Maybe if he could forget her he could go back to focusing. But no, it only made her face clearer, more real. So it started to be a way for him to see her, because oh gods she was beautiful. More than anything ever built, more than anything the gods could come up with.
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
Leo hated how much he craved those dreams, the ones where he kissed her earlier or told her how he felt. Maybe, if he was extremely lucky, it lasted the entire time he was sleeping. But no...luck wasn't a thing he had.
You see her when you close your eyes
...
Everything you touch surely dies
Another project fell apart beneath his hands as he threw it off his workbench, his eyes burning as he just wanted to rip his hair out. "Gods, nothing fucking works anymore!" He punched the closest thing he could find which was luckily the pillow he had taped to the wall as a makeshift punching bag. He groaned in frustration, turning his eyes away from all his failed projects only to see the drawing Hazel did for him hanging on a cork board of ideas he never felt the inspiration to do. And he broke down, falling to his knees as he choked out sobs and curled his fingers through his curls. He stared at nothing as he released the dam, tears flooding his throat and clogging his nose. He coughed through it all, finally just falling onto his back to stare at the ceiling. He had almost forgotten about the stars he had put up there when he got back, trying to recreate the night sky he used to joke about with her. "You can't see the constellations? How do you see Hercules' big muscles or the ice cream in the big dipper?" She would laugh, call him an idiot and nudge him with her elbow. He missed what he thought was going to be a permanent bruise on his side from that gods dam elbow.
This is how Piper found him the next day, staring at the ceiling with dried tears on his cheeks and a lazy smile on his face. She almost had a heart attack, thinking he was attacked in his dreams or something. When he finally was kind of normal, he laughed when she asked. "Pipes, it's not my dreams that are dangerous."
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
It was almost torture looking back on his hatred for her when they first met. She was beautiful but she was cruel with her words and her glare was ever present. She yelled at him for everything, broke things just to hurt him and forced him into isolation. He hated her, even though she always smelled like cinnamon, the hurt in her eyes ran even deeper than his and her voice cracked every time she spoke. Even though she cared enough to make him eat and take notice of everything he fixed which even the crew didn't do, even though she chose to look into his past to see what clothes he might have liked. Even though she joked with him and laughed like the world around them didn't exist. Even though she wanted to learn how to do what he could, even though she wanted to listen to him talk about inventions and she would get so excited when she did something right (though she would try to hide it). Even though her voice was caramel drizzled over melting vanilla ice cream on a hot summer's day, even though her eyes lit up brighter than the stars they loved.
So no, it was not a surprise when his brain short circuited as she kissed him. When she kissed him, yes. That was a surprise. But he had never really hated her, because he fell too quickly and he was thrown away again so he needed someone to blame. And she was perfect in so many ways he needed her to hate him too. And he hated that he needed that, because it would have made the world so much easier if he just grabbed her and kissed her the day they started to like each other. Because the kiss she gave him to say goodbye was too rushed and pleading. He wanted to kiss her slowly, putting the words neither of them could say into a kiss neither of them would have minded drowning in.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
...
Only know you love her when you let her go
Leo had never hated traveling before. It was fun to watch the world rush by you in a blurry mess, eat junk food in the trunk because "No, we are not stopping. We're already late with all the pee breaks." He always loved the feeling of leaving everything behind and finding a whole new world to discover. Was there a shelter? Was a friend here with a place to stay the night? Those things were actually good to him. It meant no parents with strict words and biting punishments.
But after getting back to the Argo II, he craved something he couldn't touch or taste. He craved birds calling in the night and the banging of metal which meant screams later. He missed the smell of salt and cider in the air every day, he missed finding sand in all the nooks and crannies of his body as he changed. He missed the smell of a real flame as it's heat lapped at his face, arms pulling him away on reflex if he got too close. He missed biting comebacks with no real force behind them and laughs that echoed throughout the whole island.
He'd never really had a home before. Even Camp wasn't really a place he could see himself staying in forever. He didn't fit in with anyone but his siblings and he didn't want to grow old with them. But he fit right into a mechanic shop with a humming girl handing out cider and stew to customers and workers, laughing as Leo caught himself on fire. Again. He fit into that picture like the center puzzle piece. It looked weird without him and it was hard to get the other pieces together without him. Which was a weird feeling, being that.
After a while, he figured out why he was staring out across the sea trying to see a little island with a pissed off Calypso, why he was craving getting laughed at with just the slightest bit of sass. He was homesick. Not for a place, he could care less about Ogygia after the war. His home was the girl staring at the ocean, hoping in the back of her mind that he actually came back while the rest of her tried to forget.
Calypso was home, and he was going to see her again. Even if it took the world down with him.
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
...
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
"Leo?" Hazel stuck her head into his cabin, hoping to find him working on something. But all he was doing was staring at the ceiling in the dark, his eyes blank and far away.
Well you see her when you fall asleep
...
Cause you loved her too much and you dived too deep
Maybe that's what lead him to do what he planned next, climbing into the insides of the ship for hours as he slaved away in suffocating spaces to fix the only thing besides her that he loved enough to try with, Festus. Maybe that's why he dived into his work so hard and fast that Percy couldn't even swim after him, if any of them had even noticed. She was the only one who yelled at him to eat, to sleep or tried to help knowing he couldn't just put his project away.
He couldn't blame Hazel and Frank. He'd pushed Frank away with as much force as he could muster, even hurting Hazel in the process. Because he couldn't deal with things that Piper didn't even remember anymore and he apparently didn't talk to Jason about. Piper might have lost a boyfriend, but Leo lost his two best friends in one afternoon. And this time? There was no group of three before they started dating. There was no room or time for him. Because they really didn't know each other after all.
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
...
Only know you love her when you let her go
The sun was burning through the deck above him, he knew that at least. But he couldn't force himself to bask in it's warmth or memories, killing himself slowly in the most painful ways possible. He couldn't walk out knowing he'd feel the cool breeze of the sea instead of the cooling blanket of the wind in the trees, how he'd smell the bacon and waffles Percy asked for that morning instead of cinnamon cider and sweet fruits that made his mouth twitch. Leo knew he would go into the sun and feel smooth wood underneath his feet instead of rough sand, tickling grass or the cool stone of her cave. He knew if he walked into the blinding light, he wasn't going to see a girl in shop clothes with her hair braided out of her face so she could stare at wires as her nose scrunched and she bit her lip in thought. He was going to see Jason watching the ocean while Piper chatted quietly with Annabeth about how worried she was about the mechanic downs stairs, while the blonde agreed but neither did anything. He would look up to the nest and see Nico ready to fall apart, refusing help that was offered to him making Leo's gut twist. But he wouldn't be able to force himself to look in their direction unless he wanted his eyes to sting with salt.
So the mechanic boy just stayed below deck, scrounging in tight spaces and fixing problems. Because that what he did. No one noticed and he didn't look at them. It was how it worked.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
...
Well you let her go
Leo just wanted to grab Percy but the shoulders some days, just shove him as hard as he could till he was steaming mad because "What is your problem?" would ring through the air and Annabeth would be at his side in seconds with that glare he hated. But he would just be looking at the boy who liked to think himself better than Hercules because he wasn't an asshole. But he left her on that island. He asked about it and then forgot because the gods totally understand time and will remember that they swore to free her.
And Leo would feel the fire slowly rising in him as he growled out her name, watching Percy's anger turn to ash against his fire. And he would get to tell him how broken she was because he promised and he forgot. He would tell the perfect boy, that his Sunshine had cried over for too long, that Leo had swore he would save her and not even to her face. She would never know the oath he made, the pain he would suffer if he didn't save her. He would watch Percy's eyes widen, he would watch Piper and Annabeth finally understand that he knew he was going to die. And he didn't care. He would turn on his heel and leave them to try and pick up the shattered glass he was made of that they had crushed into dust underneath their feet.
But he knew he couldn't, because his fire would leave him to deal with the remains of its rampage and he wouldn't know how to fix it. People were too easily broken or burned. Metal could be melted but it would just be molded into a new shape, that's what made it so easy to work with. And Calypso? Well, her fire burned stronger than Leo's and she had metal in her bones. But her heart was like titanium, so strong but so hollow. Leo hoped his fire was enough to fill it.
Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
...
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
...
Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
...
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
...
And you let her go
People always say the goodbyes are the hardest. The not knowing if you'll ever see each other again or knowing you won't, the tears and the hugs as you beg them not to go even if you know they have to. It isn't their choice, if they could they would stay. Maybe if Leo got a goodbye he could have apologized to Frank, hugged Hazel one last time with all the strength their tiny selves could supply, kissed Piper's cheek one last time. Maybe he could have forgiven Percy, gave his plans to Annabeth. But all those things felt unearned. Hazel and Frank knew what he was going to do, they'd forgiven him and replaced it with trust. Piper didn't remember him anyway, just the guy that was best friends with her boyfriend instead of best friends with her and Jason. But her first, always her first. Annabeth's plans were usually better anyway and he didn't think Percy deserved it. It wasn't Leo's job to forgive him, it wasn't his right. So what was the point in saying goodbye?