Listen to "Particles" by Olafur Arnalds

After the world conference, Arthur and Francis went back to the home they shared together. Francis went into the kitchen and started preparing a special meal for them, as he did on quite a few occasions but this night he wanted to do something special for Arthur because it was his birthday. Being an Englishman and a private sort of person, Arthur didn't want anyone to make a fuss just because he was another year older and he hadn't even mentioned it all day, nobody said anything and that's just how he liked it, however Francis was the sort of man who wanted to show his love in any way he could, so he set about cooking, whilst Arthur got on with some work in his study. Francis put on some music and started chopping up vegetables and cuts of meat. A particular song started playing by a band called Olafur Arnalds. It was called "Particles" and he'd never heard it before, but as it started to play, he listened to it, captivated by it, as it seemed to say something to him. The chords were quite sad and it evoked a feeling of sadness within him. Francis began to think of himself and Arthur and everything that they had been through together, as he continued with his cooking.

His mind, however was elsewhere, cast back to a time long ago, when he and Arthur were at war, during the Napoleonic wars. The sea battles they'd fought against one another, the times he'd stood with his countrymen against the man he loved, and each time it broke his heart to fight with him, regardless of who won. All of those years he'd ached for Arthur and yet their rulers, their so called Kings and Royals fought one another, and so they'd had to fight… Francis remembered how he didn't want to hurt him at all and on numerous occasions he had deliberately let Arthur win… and why? Because he loved him. Those were wasted years, a time when their love could never be, even though it was all either of them wanted. Having to fight the man he loved was a terrible thing…and he began to wonder if it was the same for Arthur? Had he felt like that too? But this was ridiculous, he was getting all sad because of the song, because the music sent his mind into thinking about things that were already in the past… and yet… Something came to him, a memory, when he was so close to death. The time he'd almost drowned because of one of their battles...

That day, he and Arthur and their troops had fought a terrible sea battle, and it came to the point where it was going to be him or the Englishman… they stood facing one another during the battle of Trafalgar, and he'd gazed over to Arthur who was struggling to stay afloat, finding it hard to even stand up, and instead of feeling triumphant he'd felt like a murderer… a bastard for hurting him like that… and so what did he do? He stopped fighting and hesitated… because he couldn't bear to see England… and his Arthur… hurt. As he looked over to him, and Arthur looked back at him, it was as if he understood, and gazed back at him too, as if apologising for everything. Francis stared at him from the deck of his ship and Arthur watched him… that was one of the moments when they really understood one another, but their sailors and fighters had to follow orders, and the next thing Francis knew, a rolling broadside from Arthur's ship pounded the hell out of his.. and amid the smoke, the flames and the confusion, the ship flailed in the waters, her mighty mast fell and her sails, and her French tricolour flag were wrecked by the onslaught from the HMS Victory. The ship went down, with many of the French Navy on board, Francis amongst them, unconscious, dying… He awoke in the water, feeling weak, drained of energy and life, surrounded by death, and confusion… he cried out a little, but his clothes were too heavy for him and he couldn't swim.

Arthur watched it all from the HMS Victory, in horror. Had his countrymen really done this? It was horrific… and for them to say they were doing it for him… for England… this wasn't what he wanted… and yet they'd broadsided the enemy.

The flags on the mizzen spelled out Nelson's orders "England expects that every man will do his duty…"

"England expects…" muttered Arthur not sure what to think. He loved Francis Bonnefoy, loved him.. understood him… and yet… so much fighting… he wasn't going to let him drown so without a moments thought he took off his Navy jacket and jumped into the water after him to save him from drowning.

Francis felt his life ebbing away as he felt himself go under the water.. and yet there was someone there, someone who wrapped his arms around him and hauled him up on to a piece of floating wood, that supported him and then that person stroked his hair and kissed him, trembling and shaking… and he recalled the words he said were in English and he said "Don't you drown Francis… I love you…"

He heard him say it, but he refused to believe that it could be Arthur… as the Englishman would never save him like that… He wanted to sink into the water and die, and yet the man wouldn't let him go, he kept him afloat till his countrymen approached.

"Remember Francis… one day I hope things will change. I'm so sorry… I'm irrevocably sorry for this… I wish it could be different…"

Then he was gone. The man who saved his life that day disappeared and left him for his countrymen to find…but crucially he hadn't let him drown. Why had he remembered this now? Why? Perhaps it was the music… or perhaps it was because it was Arthur's birthday… but he remembered it clear as day, for the first time, probably since it happened.

Francis shook it off and tried to get on with the cooking but the memory stayed with him and wouldn't stop. Could it be true? Did that really happen or was it just wishful thinking?

Something really got to him as he was thinking about it and he felt tears come to his eyes, as he put the food on the stove to cook. He poured himself some wine and drank it, whilst he was working around in the kitchen.

Arthur was in his study and had no idea about anything till he passed by the kitchen and heard something that caused his heart to turn over in his chest, and make him panic a little… it was Francis, and he was crying, just quietly… but it was unmistakable. Slowly he opened the door and went into the kitchen hoping he was mistaken, but he wasn't. Francis was indeed crying and he was really upset, not just a little but a lot. He stood at the stove trying to cook their dinner, and sobbing gently.

"Francis?" Arthur uttered and put his arms around him. The Frenchman turned to him and held him, hugging him tightly. Arthur didn't know why he was crying but that didn't matter, only that he could make it better for him. He held him and stroked his hair gently, kissing his head. "Just cry… its alright… its alright sweetheart…" It wasn't the first time Francis had just started weeping for no apparent reason, so Arthur just held him and allowed him to let go. Even so, seeing the man he loved like this, made him feel upset and over emotional and he couldn't hold back either, tears fell from his eyes on to Francis shoulder.

"What's caused this my love?" Arthur uttered through his own tears. "Tell me…"

Francis couldn't tell him as he was just so overcome by the thoughts and feelings of that memory that had surfaced. He hadn't realised that Arthur was the one who had saved him all those years ago, that Arthur must have loved him even back then, and further back… he wasn't sad, he was overwhelmed. There were times when he thought Arthur didn't love him at all, and they had petty arguments and fall outs over nothing, but remembering what happened on that day, made everything pale into insignificance. He wished he could tell Arthur how deeply it affected him, how it brought him to tears, not because of sadness but because of the love… the pure undying love that had moved Arthur to save his life that time and other times..

"Do you love me Arthur?" Francis whispered tearfully.

"Enough to die for…" he whispered back.