War of the superstores

by SaRAWR

Followers of the WALLMART series. This is WAR OF THE SUPERSTORES. Join Mr Wiggles and company as the troops fight for survival in the grounds of everyone's favorite dark lord. *P.S. Please don't sue me.*

War of the superstores

Mr Wiggles was on the planet Zooptron, fighting evil space Martians with big blue heads. They pushed him down and held him in place, until their leader arrived and brandished a sword. Moonlight reflected off the tip of the blade making it look even sharper than it was. Mr Wiggles gulped. The Martian leader held up his sword ready to plunge it right through Mr Wiggles' wimpy body.

Then he awoke to the sound of his mobile ringing on his bedside table.

Mr Wiggles groaned and rolled over in his bed to grab his phone. The screen read 'smart ass calling'. Ugh. Him again? This was the fifth time this week.

Mr Wiggles' so called 'friend' had recently taken up cooking. Every now and again, when Holly was busy and he couldn't call her, he would call Mr Wiggles and ask how to open a mayonnaise jar or how thick to spread butter or which way to turn the gas cooker on. Plus, it was costing him tons calling from Ireland. What kind of friend doesn't even let anyone know his name anyway? The only person (or elf) in the world that knew his name was Holly, his companion, and she wasn't allowed to mention it. Sometimes Mr Wiggles thought of what his name might be. Fred, Bob or Randall. The very thought of that made him giggle.

But anyway, he answered his phone.

"Hello?"

"Is this Mr Wiggles?" Asked a crackly Irish voice.

"No. It's the lochness monster." Replied Mr Wiggles, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Please. Sarcasm is the lowest form of humour. Not to mention the fact that you could of left your phone somewhere or had someone else pick It up for you."

"Whatever." Sighed Mr Wiggles. "What is it this time then?"

"I just wanted to tell you that I booked a hair dressing appointment for you at Morrisons at three thirty this afternoon."

"They do hairdressing now?"

Mr wiggles was immediately distressed. His hair was famous around these parts for being massive, spiky and multicoloured. Why did he need it cutting?

"But I don't need my hair doing!" He objected.

"If you're going to be in the doochebags, your head needs to be able to fit inside a helmet." (The doochebags was the name of their group). "And quite frankly, it wont at the moment."

Mr Wiggles was speechless and outraged.

"I'll meet you there, I have to go." Said the Irish youth. "I'm making lasagne. You'll never believe how hard it is! First you have to-"

Mr Wiggles cut him off.

Timothy J Wallmart was humming along to 'Girlfriend by Avril Lavene' on his stereo when Cuddles, his bodyguard/chief worker, came bursting though the doors into his office.

Being a mastermind, Wallmart thought fast and quickly switched off the stereo.

Cuddles pointed to it and raised a bushy eyebrow.

"You do know that the speakers to that thing are up all over the building." He pointed out to his employer.

The dark lord opened his mouth to say something witty and clever, but he was interupted.

"But anyway, to the point." Continued Cuddles. "Morrisons' profit has gone up by seventy five pence. Morris, the owner, says that he has the lowest prices ever and if he continues to do this well he'll open up Morrisons all over the world."

Wallmart grinded his perfect bleached teeth.

"I've had just about enough of Morris." He said. "And those six creatures. Where have they got to recently anyway?"

Cuddles smiled. "Well, I've been keeping a close eye on that lot." He explained, feeling very chuffed with himself. "Flatulent Flaud is making the most of his unemployment. He's in Florida drinking from little half coconuts. He's not due back for a while. Bob and Francine are living with their dad a few doors down from Mr Wiggles' place. Remind me to send you footage of them by the way, it's hilarious! Holly, our little elfin captain, is underground in the city of magical creatures. She goes to visit her companion almost every day though. He still hasn't mentioned his name, not even at home. But I can tell you that he named the group 'the doochebags'. He's just started cooking as well. Not that he's any good. And as for Mr Wiggles, well, he's going to have his hair cut today at, you'll never believe where."

"Go on tell me."

"Morrisons."

"WHAT?!" Screeched the dark lord. "They do hairdressing now?!"

"Yes, I must admit it surprised me too. Especially the fact that-"

"THAT IS IT!" Wallmart screamed. "I'm going to trigger a war between the two major superstores! Asda and Morrisons! And with my own battlefield and army of flatulisers, who can stop me becoming king of the supermarkets once again?! Mwa ha ha ha ha!"

The dark lord had more of an urge to be evil than he had ever had before.

"But we cant just declare war." Explained Cuddles.

"Why not?" Asked Wallmart.

Cuddles sighed. "Because. It's not interesting. Nobody just declares war these days. They usually start with a kidnapping or something."

"That's it!" Announced the dark lord. "We'll kidnap the blonde, Francine! When is she next due at Morrisons?"

Cuddles flicked through the clipboard he was holding. He did his best to please his boss.

"Umm… three thirty this afternoon, when Mr Wiggles has his hair done."

"Perfect." Said Wallmart, drumming his pale fingers together.

"They will pay for what they did to me." He whispered. "Wont they Dr Sprocket."

The dark lord picked up his action figure and squeezed it's belly.

"I'm evilicious!" It said.

"Yes." Sniggered Wallmart.

For the first time ever, Mr Wiggles was afraid as he walked through the automatic doors and into Morrisons. He didn't even pretend that he had 'the force' and that's why he could open the doors without touching them, like he usually did.

"It'll grow back." Bob told him.

"Yeah," agreed Mr Wiggles. "But then I'll have to have it cut off again. What am I going to do?!"

"Live with it." Said Francine.

"I cant! Hair represents a person. If it's in a tight bun, you're a serious business woman, if it's a crew cut, you're in the army or something, if it's blonde and curly you're a bimbo and an easy target."

"Excuse me?!" Francine held up a tuft of blonde curls and gave Mr Wiggles an insulted look.

"This just proves my point." He went on.

Francine sighed. Trying to talk sense into a moron was just as useless as trying to make a dwarf and a goblin get married.

In the hair dressing section, a thin man in a sweater vest and a green sparkly beret seated Mr Wiggles in a leather swivel chair and placed a sheet around him.

"Now," said the man after examining Mr Wiggles hair. "Your hair is quite weak so be sure to use hair strengthening shampoo in the future."

"I'll have you know, my hair could whoop your hair in a fight hands down." Argued Mr Wiggles.

Just then Holly and the Irish kid came running into the store.

"Sorry we're late." Apologised the boy.

"Yeah, there was a crisis in the kitchen." Explained Holly. "We had a crumble explosion."

Bob and Francine raised their eyebrows.

Suddenly, a huge luxury helicopter came crashing through the ceiling, sending bits of concrete crashing to the ground and customers screaming and franticly running round trying to take cover.

The helicopter had a sign on the side.

WALMART.

(Which by the way was the evil sign of death.)

The chopper landed right in front of the doochebags. A bulky man with a sock on his head hopped out and grabbed Holly who was the nearest person to him. She squealed, thrashed, kicked and punched, but couldn't escape his clutches.

"Let her go!" Shouted the youth. But he was no match for this man.

Wallmart's chief worker pulled Holly into his copter and immediately flew away.

The Irish kid felt like breaking down to his knees and screaming nooooooooooooo. But instead, he remained calm. He did this by thinking about fake cheese.

"Come on everyone." He said to the others while striding towards the automatic doors.

"Where are we going?" Asked Francine.

"Wallmart has another scheme up his sleeve. We're going to save the world once again." He replied. They were back in the game. And even though Holly had been kidnapped, the thrill of excitement made him smile.

High up in the air in his luxurious helicopter, Wallmart's face was as red as a bowl of ripe cherries.

"AGH!" He screamed at Cuddles while trying to fly the chopper. If his bodyguard had any hair, it would be standing on end.

"What the heck were you thinking?! I said get the blonde! Not the ginger!"

"Well, it wasn't my fault!" Objected Cuddles. "I couldn't see anything through that sock. Next time get a thinner one."

"Oh please." Said the dark lord. "You must've been able to see her hair! It's a big ginger glowing carrot thing!"

On the back seat lay Holly, gagged and tied up.

"Mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm!" She said.

"I'm sorry, what?" Asked cuddles as he pulled off Holly's gag.

"I said it's not ginger, it's auburn. There's a difference."

"Actually," continued Wallmart. "Your hair is the colour of a carrot. Carrots are not auburn. They are orange. There for, orange is the colour of your hair."

"Shut up!" Shouted the elf.

"Excuse me!?" Wallmart was insulted. No one had ever told him to shut up before.

Cuddles shot Holly an alarmed look, waved his arms frantically and mouthed 'no!'

"I said shut up!" Answered Holly. "All you ever do is cause people pain! Ignore your gigantic evil brain for once! Just do what you feel is right!"

Wallmart thought for a moment. "Hmm. I've got it!" He announced.

Holly's face lit up.

"I'll join forces with Tess, owner of Tesco! That way I'll have an even bigger army! Who knows, Sapphire owner of Sainsburys might even join my side! I'll be unstoppable!" Said the dark lord.

Holly's face grimaced again.

"What?!" She screeched. "Army?! You're going to war?! With Morrisons?! But without me they're nothing! I'm the best soldier! Captain Holly Short!"

"Mwa ha ha ha ha!" Wallmart's evil laugh echoed around the copter. "Maybe kidnapping the ginger wasn't such a bad idea after all."

Holly screamed and thrashed as Cuddles gagged her again. Wallmart was right. He would be unstoppable.

Or would he?

The Irish youth, Bob, Francine, Mr Wiggles and Morris owner of Morrisons waited eagerly in the Morrisons lab for a red blip to appear on the plasma screen. The blip would tell them Holly's status, exactly where she was and who she was with. Morris was talking on the phone.

"You hang up first!" He was saying over and over again.

"Ugh!" Bob cried out. "This is stupid! We know where she is! She's in Asda with Wallmart! Why cant we just go and rescue her?!"

"Because that's exactly what he wants us to do." Replied Francine.

At that moment, Morris finally hung up.

"No its not." He said.

"What?" Asked Mr Wiggles.

"I just finished talking to Wallmart on the phone." Explained Morris.

Everyone looked rather disturbed.

"He said it was my last chance to cross over to the dark side." He went on. "Never! I said. And then he started saying how he declared war. Apparently he's joined forces with Tesco. He'll never get Sainsburys to join him though. Sapphire is one of my good friends. She'll help us fight."

At this point, all of the doochebags were dumbstruck. Apart from the Irish kid, who was never anything of the sort.

"So, Asda and Tesco are going to war with us and Sainsburys." He whispered.

Mr Wiggles bit his lip as his pea sized brain was stretched to full capacity.

"Asda has its own battlefield." Said Morris. "Midnight. The war is at midnight. That only gives us four hours to prepare."

"Oh no!" Cried Mr Wiggles. "I cant go!"

"Whyever not?!" Asked the youth.

"Midnight is past my bedtime." Came his reply. Francine rolled her eyes.

"Sometimes bedtime doesn't matter." She said.

"Come on then people." Said Bob, rummaging through a cupboard. He pulled out a load of shields and swords. "Lets get kitted up."

"AHH! You pasty faced moron! How the hell are you supposed to defeat Morris and Sapphire with a stinking army of farting one legged freaks?!" Tess screamed at the dark lord after he had explained about his army of flatulisers.

Wallmart found himself quite scared. Tess was one of the only four people that had as much power as he did. Plus she looked like a proper super villain. Her long dark hair tied back in a tight ponytail, her eyes glowing blood red and her big purple cape trailing along the ground.

"But the army's not the main point!" He continued. "I invented a super deadly evil super evil laser that'll vaporise most the opposition's army before they even get close to ours!"

Tess did her evil laugh. It was exactly like Wallmart's. Every bit as girly.

"That's my Wally." She laughed. "Such an amazingly evil brain." Then she stepped on Dr Sprocket, Wallmart's action figure.

"Evil super villains don't wet themselves!" It said.

"Ugh. That was one time!" Muttered Wallmart.

"What is this?" Tess asked the dark lord.

"It's… Umm… Cuddles toy!"

Tess started crying of laughter. "What a baby! And I thought he was a manly hunk!"

"Uh, huh. Yeah. Not a many bone in his giant muscular body." Wallmart was outraged. Dr Sprocket was his second favourite toy after 'puppy go walkies', and he was being insulted.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go check on the prisoner." Announced Tess as she strutted out the door.

Wallmart grinded his teeth.

Holly was stuck in a cell directly underneath the battlefield with no magic, no weapons and no communication with the rest of the doochebags.

All she had was a rusty spoon, which at the moment she was using to try and tunnel out of her cell. She quickly hid the spoon behind her back as Tess entered.

The dark lordess hesitated for a moment before speaking.

"Not trying anything are we?" She asked Holly. "No, miraculous escaping techniques?"

Holly looked down at the floor. Anything to avoid eye contact.

"Well, you'd better not be." Continued Tess. "Or you'll have moi to deal with." She walked back out the big metal door the way she came in.

"Oh, and you might want to know that the battle will be taking place at midnight tonight in exactly two hours forty two minutes, and it's going to be right above your head." Tess added.

Holly diverted her gaze towards the grid in the ceiling. Maybe, she thought, just maybe, I might be able to get a little advice through to my companion before the war starts. She knew that the rest of her group hadn't a clue how fight. They wouldn't stand a chance against the Asda and Tesco army. Not on their own.

But although Holly did not know it, they were not alone.

"Ugh! For the fourteenth time! I step forward, you step back!"

No, the Irish youth was not teaching Morris how to dance. He was teaching him how to swordfight.

"Ahh! I give up!" The kid screamed. "You made me, give up."

"For god's sake!" Moaned Morris. "I own a superstore! I'm no fighter!"

"I'll take it from here." Said Sapphire owner of Sainsburys, drawing her own jewel encrusted sword.

"I'm not gonna fight with a girl!" Protested Morris.

"I'm not a girl." Replied Sapphire.

Morris raised a bushy eyebrow.

"Well, obviously, I am." The woman chuckled. "But I'm a Newarton."

"I've heard of those!" Said Francine jumping up. "There's only three of them in the universe! The other two live in other galaxies! They fight demons! Wow, it's an honour!"

"How come I haven't heard of any of this stuff." Sulked Mr Wiggles, who was sat in the corner of the room reading 'war for dummies'.

"Because you're slow and dumb." Replied Morris.

"Now that wasn't very nice." Said Sapphire, raising her sword above Morris' head.

The owner of Morrisons sunk to the floor and begged for mercy.

"Well that's no way to act." Commented Sapphire. "If one of the opposing army threatens to stab you, what do you do?"

"Umm, duck cover and scream?" Replied Morris, still cowering on the floor.

"No. Get them before they get you." Corrected Sapphire. "So lets try that again."

The owner of Sainsburys raised her sword again. Morris reacted by dropping down to his knees. But this time he skidded through Sapphires legs and put his sword to her throat.

"Very good." Complimented Sapphire. "But remember, when we're actually at war, you're going to have to actually cut their head off. Think you can handle that?"

Morris blew over the top of his sword, like people do with guns in action movies. He was enjoying this.

"Is there anything Morris, owner of Morrisons, cant handle?"

"You cant handle pickled eggs." Mr Wiggles pointed out.

"Yeah, he cant stand them!" Giggled Francine.

"Well then, as long as Wallmart and Tess don't summon a giant army of killer pickled eggs we should do alright. Especially with my army of sword fighting robots." Said Sapphire.

"I know!" Wallmart blurted out across the room to Tess. "We can summon a giant army of killer pickled eggs!"

Tess looked at him for a moment, as if she were considering it.

"…No." She protested.

Wallmart was starting to feel over powered. But when this whole episode was done, he would be king of the superstores again. It was a small price to pay.

"So," Continued Tess. "Half an hour and we go to war. How does it feel?"

"I'm not scared, if that's what you mean." Insisted the dark lord.

"Then why is your hand shaking?"

Wallmart looked down at his ghostly white hand. It was true. He was shaking. Weather that was because he was scared or not he wasn't certain. Cuddles wasn't able to accompany him during the war, maybe that was why. He had to man the control panel. For the first time in his life, the dark lord Wallmart was unsure.

"Come on Wally, get a grip." Moaned Tess. "How's about getting the army set up?"

Wallmart nodded. This was no time to have second thoughts. There was a battle to be won.

On the battle field, ready to go, were the Morrisons and Sainsburys army. Even the robots were armed to the teeth.

"Alright you bums!" Shouted Morris, the leader, marching up and down the many rows of fighters. "You are gonna defeat Wallmart's army, and you are gonna like it!"

Bob and Mr Wiggles looked at eachother, as if to say 'what the hell is he doing?'

"Ok then," sighed Morris. "This doesn't seem to have any effect on you guys, so, just do your best."

"Sir yes sir!" Came his reply.

The Irish kid tried to calm himself down. There was so much at stake here. If they lost Holly would die. They would all die!

He mentally slapped himself for thinking so negatively. They could do this. They just had to keep their minds on the battle and off any other personal problems. Of course, it was no problem for the fighting robots. But the youth just couldn't concentrate. All of a sudden he thought, did I leave the stove on?

His pointless thoughts were interupted by a scraping sound below him, like nails down a blackboard. However, it was not nails down a blackboard, it was a spoon down a concrete wall. For below him was Holly in her cell.

That's it. He thought. I'm so nervous I'm hallucinating.

Holly stopped spoon shovelling for a moment and looked up. When she realised that there were actually people there, she leapt up from her spot. Her eyes widened when she realised who it was standing directly above her.

The elf's companion was violently shaking his head, like he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Down here!" Whispered Holly.

"H…Holly!" Cried the youth as he got down on his knees and gripped the bars of the grid.

"I'm so sorry!" Called the elf.

"What for?"

"I should of tried harder to get out. I gave up too easily. I failed you."

"Don't be so stupid." Said the Irish kid. "As soon as this battle starts, I'm coming straight down there and getting you out."

"But, there's-"

Holly was cut short by the sound of the opposing army marching into position.

Sapphire elbowed the youth gently.

"Get up." She whispered.

He did as he was told.

Wallmart had a megaphone in one hand and a sword in the other.

"This is your last chance to surrender." Said the dark lord through the megaphone. "Give up now, or be damned!"

"Never!" Shouted Morris.

Tess snatched the megaphone.

"You don't stand a chance against Tesco, Morris. We do car insurance!" She said.

"We'll se about that." Muttered Morris. "MORE REASONS TO SHOP AT MORRISONS!!!"

The Morrisons army charged, apart from the Irish kid who held back and his behind the Asda wall.

"THAT'S ASDA PRICE!!!" Shouted Wallmart as his army of sword fighting flatulisers charged as well.

"TASTE THE DIFFERENCE!!!" Screeched Sapphire as the rest of Morris' army charged.

"EVERY LITTLE HELPS!!!" Screamed Tess as her army charged as well.

Soon the whole battlefield was filled with the sound of clashing swords and farting flatulisers. The sight was even worse than the sound. Droplets of blood flew through the air, and there were so many people running round places it was impossible to tell exactly who the blood belonged to. Anyone that got stabbed would be trampled before they could say 'ow that hurt'.

The Irish youth ran/fell down the stairs and through the underground corridor as fast as the speed of light, ignoring any cries of help from above him or any doors he ran past reading 'cheese office'. If his calculations were correct (which they always were) Holly's cell should be right next to the Wallmart's play room.

It was. But there was a problem.

Guarding the cell door, was Tess, owner of Tesco.

"Ahh." She sniggered. "At the risk of sounding clichéd, I've been expecting you."

"Let her go Tess." Said the kid, drawing his sword.

"Come any closer, and she gets it." Threatened the dark lordess.

The Irish youth wondered why Holly wasn't saying anything, until he spotted a sleep ray inside Tess' belt.

"You cheated." Said the youth. "You cant use laser equipment. It's an old fashioned battle."

"What, you expected me to play fair? Haven't you ever heard the saying, be fair and be square? Well, I'd rather be a triangle if you catch my drift."

"No!"

"Anyway, you have no idea what tragedies are to come for your army. And I'll start by disposing of this wretched creature."

Tess took out a dagger and aimed through the bars at Holly.

"Don't!" Screamed the youth. But there was no way Tess was going to do as he said. Murder was her idea of fun.

She through the dagger.

Everything seemed to be in slow motion. Every moment equally as agonising.

"Mwa ha ha!" Laughed Tess. "Bulls eye! Anyway, I'd better be going. There are people up there that must die." And with that she ran up to the battle field.

The Irish kid dashed into the cell where he found his companion lying on the ground with a dagger in her chest, gasping for air, but still asleep.

"Holly." He breathed, as he rushed over and removed the dagger. It was coated in thick red blood. The youth cradled Holly's head in his hands. He just felt like sobbing. But not now. Now it was time to concentrate. Time to finally put his magical powers to use.

He placed his hands over the elf's wound.

"Heal." He whispered.

Magical blue and green sparks scurried though his fingertips and into Holly's flesh, sealing the wound completely.

The youth smiled. Tess had no idea he was half elf. Ha!
Suddenly, Holly started squirming around.

"AH!" She screamed. "I wont to ware that dress! Please don't make me ware it! NOOOOO!"

"Holly it's me, wake up!"

The elf flicked her eyes open and sat up quickly, gripping her chest where the wound used to be.

"What… How…" She stammered.

The youth lifted his hand and blew the remaining sparks from his fingers. He smiled at his companion.

Holly flung her arms around him.

"Holly, when we get back I'm going to make you the most delicious crumble you've ever tasked."

The elf snapped out of the mushy phase.

"That's if we get back. There's still lots to be done." She said, getting back on her feet. "Come on." And with that the dragged the youth out of the cell and up to the battlefield.

Back on the battlefield, things weren't going so well for the doochebags and the Morrisons Sainsburys army. Most of the sword fighting robots had been broken and the flatulisers were still full to the brim with energy. None of the doochebags had been injured yet, and Morris and Sapphire were still doing their best, but they didn't seem to be getting anywhere.

It's stupid. Thought Sapphire. Wallmart and Tess have something up their sleeves. At this rate we'll never manage to defeat them.

She looked around at Bob, Francine and Mr Wiggles. The were using all the moves she had taught them. Winning every time. Their eyes shining bright with determination. I'm going to find out what Wallmart is up to. She thought.

But she didn't have to.

Just then, the super deadly evil super evil laser emerged from within the superstore. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at it. The flatulisers sighed with relief, and the doochebags gasped with horror.

"Take cover!" Shouted Wallmart to his army, who immediately ran into Asda.

"This cant be good." Muttered Morris.

"That's cheating!" Mr Wiggles screamed at the opposing army. Like they cared. The scumbags.

At that moment, Holly and the Irish youth came running onto the battlefield. They too gasped when they saw the super deadly evil super evil laser.

"What do we do?" Asked Francine. The others eagerly awaited the answer.

"There's only one thing we can do." Said Morris. "Duck cover and scream!"

"Morris, do you remember why you were voted king of the supermarkets?" Asked Sapphire.

"Because I sell high quality goods at extremely low prices?"

"No. Because you were a great leader and you gave the right orders. So are you just going to back down and let Wallmart and Tess win the battle? Or are you going to be a man, and clean up this mess once and for all."

Morris clenched his fist.

"You're right." He said, getting back on his feet. "Me and Sapphire are going into Asda to fight with the leaders. Bob, Francine, Mr Wiggles, you're going to cover me and Sapphire. And the kid and Holly, welcome back Holly by the way it's nice to see you're alive and well, will go to the control panel and shut off this super deadly evil super evil laser."

Holly and her mastermind companion rolled their eyes and dashed back the way they came, while the rest of the team made there way into the most evil place on Earth. Asda.

"Well, I think that went pretty well." Said Sapphire once they were well away from the super deadly evil super evil laser. "Don't you?"

"You say that like you've just been on a date." Replied Wallmart. "This is serious you know."

"Oh give me a brake Wally. It's just a measly war."

The dark lord clenched his fist and tried to conceal the anger he was feeling. He shut his eyes for a brief moment and took a deep breath.

"Why don't you go and check on the prisoner." He requested.

"No need." Said Tess, an evil smile growing on her otherwise pretty face. "She's gone. Taken care of. No need to worry about her anymore."

"You killed her? Without letting me know?"

"Yeah. She was annoying me."

"But she's an elf. Elves have healing powers."

"She had no magic left."

"Did anyone see you do it?"

"That Irish kid was there."

Any blood left in the dark lord's cheeks disappeared.

"You idiot!" He shouted at Tess. "That kid is part elf!"

"Sh-"

"Quick." Wallmart dragged Tess down the stairs and through the corridor towards Holly's cell. When they got there, there was nothing left but a dagger and a pool of blood.

Tess scrunched up her face and growled.

"You and your magical opponents!" She shouted at Wallmart.

Just then the mastermind kid and the elf rounded the corner of the corridor. They froze as soon as they saw the two superstore owners.

Wallmart and Tess simultaneously drew their swords.

"Hey, Wallmart." Came Morris' voice from behind them. "Why don't you pick on someone your own species."

The dark lord and the dark lordess whipped around to find Morris, Sapphire, Mr Wiggles, Bob and Francine, all with their swords drawn.

"Fancy a fight to the death?" Asked the dark lord. He was convinced that he would win.

"Not really." Replied Morris. "But it looks like I have no choice."

"Us too." Said Tess, staring hard into Sapphires big blue eyes. "There's not been enough bloodshed in this battle."

"Very well." Agreed the owner of Sainsburys.

The mastermind kid and his companion used this as an opportunity to dash to the control room, though there was nothing they wanted more than to stay and watch the fight.

Bob, Francine and Mr Wiggles stepped aside. This was a one to one fight. They couldn't interfere. Even though Tess and Wallmart were cheaters, the doochebags were not.

Everyone was silent for a few moments.

"Will somebody start the stinking countdown?!" Shouted Tess, who believe it or not was getting rather impatient.

"Five…" Started Francine. "Four… Three… Two… One… Gooseberries!"

"Oh for crying out loud!" Screeched Morris. "It's a freaking fight to the death! Just do the countdown properly!"

"Sorry." Apologised Francine. "Five… Four… Three… Two… One…… GO!"

The next few moments were little more than a blur. Four clashing swords could be heard throughout the building. You'd probably know when someone lost because there would be a huge scream.

Remember the technique. Morris thought to himself. It's all in the technique. It's not about strength. He steps forward I step back. It's like dancing… But a little more deadly.

Morris did exactly that. So did Sapphire. They felt like they were actually winning!

Then a scream was heard. A girly one. However, it was not the dark lord Wallmart.

Tess got what she wanted. Bloodshed. What she didn't consider was the fact that it could be her bloodAnd it was.

The dark lordess fell to the floor with a sword plunged through her stomach. Of course, nobody minded. Wallmart had had just about enough of her anyway. Now it was between him and Morris. Morrisons or Asda. Good or evil.

"Lets finish this." Said the dark lord.

Unfortunately, Morris was a little squeamish around blood. And since there was a lot of that, he began to feel faint.

Wallmart knocked the weapon out of Morris' hand, easy as pie. The owner of Morrisons dropped to his knees and cowered on the ground. The dark lord lifted his sword high above his head, ready to plunge it through Morris' heart.

Wallmart brought down the sword.

Mr Wiggles thought fast. Faster than the speed of which Wallmart's sword was coming down.

"Nooooooooooooo!" He cried as he dived in front of the dark lord's weapon, knocking Morris out of the way. Wallmart's sword sliced the majority of Mr Wiggle's hair off.

Wallmart could only stop and stare as Francine's boot collided with his head and knocked him unconscious.

Morris crawled to Mr Wiggles' side.

"Mr Wiggles! Talk to me!"

"Uuuuuggggghhhhh." Groaned Mr Wiggles. "My hair."

"Don't worry, it's all going to be fine." Assured Francine.

"Yeah, we'll get you back as soon as possible." Agreed Bob.

Francine kicked Wallmart's unconscious body.

"Can I stab him?" She asked.

Morris thought for a moment.

"No." He replied. "What's the fun in that. This group's nothing without Wallmart's evil schemes. If we kill him, we'll be bored for the rest of our lives."

"The rest of our lives wont be long as long as this man is living!" Argued Francine.

"Think about it. I'm right." Said Morris.

"I guess so."

"Come on then!" Urged Bob. "We need to get Mr Wiggles back, this is an emergency!"

"We cant. Not until the super deadly evil super evil laser has been shut off." Explained Morris. "Where are those two anyway?"

The control panel, of course, was being manned by the one and only, Cuddles. His massive frame covered most of the door. There was no way Holly and the youth could possibly get in there without either knocking him out or him letting them through. The first option was out of the question. Maybe if Holly had been bigger she would of stood a chance. But elves are only around a meter tall. They would have negotiate.

When Cuddles saw them coming he immediately put up his fists.

"You'll never get through." He said. Then his eyes widened as he realised who was standing in front of him. "Holly! We all thought you were dead!"

"Well, I would be. If it weren't for… Anyway. We need to get in there."

"Sorry, but orders is orders. I brake those, I loose my job." Apologised Cuddles.

"What if the man who gave those orders is busy down the corridor and there's no way he could possibly see you?" Asked the mastermind kid.

Cuddles thought for a moment.

"Alright." He said, stepping aside. "Go ahead."

Holly and the youth ran inside and started searching for buttons marked 'deactivate super deadly evil super evil laser.' After searching for a few moments, they came to the conclusion that none of the buttons were marked. Holly poked her head round the door.

"Umm, Cuddles?"

"Yes Ma'am?"

"Could you tell us which button it is that disables the super deadly evil super evil laser?" Asked the elf.

"There any big red ones?"

"Just a sec." Holly's head disappeared round the door again. It reappeared a few seconds later. Holly gave Cuddles a thumbs up.

"Super deadly evil super evil laser, deactivated." Said a robotic voice through the speakers.

The Irish youth came out the door.

"We did it." He announced.

"Yay!" Cheered Holly.

"I guess this is bad news for me." Said Cuddles as he stared at the floor.

"One question." Said the Irish youth to Cuddles. "Why do you work for Wallmart?"

"I dunno." He replied. "I'm a big man. I may as well guard somebody with big money. To be honest though, it sucks. I mean, we don't even have health insurance. I'm a bodyguard for corn sake!"

"Well, if you ever need anything, we're right here."

"Aww. Shucks. Thanks." Cuddles felt so good. People actually cared! This was an emotional time for the bodyguard.

"Don't mention it." Said the mastermind kid. And with that, he and Holly were off down the corridor to hopefully join the rest of their group.

They met up half way down the corridor.

"You did it!" Cried Morris. "We did it! Well done everybody!"

Holly spotted Bob and Francine carrying Mr Wiggles.

"What happened?!" She asked.

"His hair." Replied Sapphire. "It's all very tragic.

"We must get him to a hospital!" Said the youth.

"Hair isn't alive," argued Francine. "He'll be fine."

"You can never be too sure with this one."

So our favourite heroes made it out of Asda alive once again. And although Wallmart probably would return, they were happy. That's all that matters, right? What? It's not!? Ahh poop. Well anyway, they made it out alive.

Six weeks later. When Mr Wiggles had gotten over only having half a doody hairdo.

"Alright everybody," said Morris, when all of the doochebags were seated in his newly refurnished office. "I called you in here because I was thinking about setting up some kind of Morrisons car insurance, and I wanted your opinions."

"Well, I don't know…" Started Mr Wiggles, only to have Bob stamp on his foot under the table. "Oww! You big bully!"

"I think it's a great Idea. Especially since Tesco's gone out of business and they cant do car insurance anymore." Announced Bob.

"You're so mean sometimes!" Whimpered Mr Wiggles.

Morris stood up and threw a 'snickers' chocolate bar at Mr Wiggles, that bounced off him and landed under the table.

"You do that again," He shouted. "And you're gonna meet my friend pain! Eat snickers. Get some nuts!" Then the owner of Morrisons sat down again. "I do apologise, I got told to do that for the new 'snickers' commercial."

"Yeah, right." Muttered Mr Wiggles as he bent down under the table to get back the chocolate bar. As he did so, he noticed that Francine's shoes were totally out of fashion. He also noticed the fact that Holly and the Irish mastermind youth were holding hands under the table.

He put his head up again and raised his eyebrows at the two.

They looked back as if to say, 'what?'

"Oh please. Now I'm gonna have to put up with you two making doe eyes every time we go on a mission." Moaned Mr Wiggles.

"Uhh… Wait… No. Its not like that." Assured the Irish kid.

"Yeah, yeah." Replied Mr Wiggles. "And you," He pointed to Francine who looked up at the sound of her name being mentioned. "Get some new shoes hunny. Red does not go with green."

Things were back to normal. Well, sort of.

The end