This was supposed to be the second chapter of "Canada: North America's Third Largest Nation" but I figured this would function nicely on its own as a one-shot.
But unlike that one-shot, this is an expanded version and actually simulates their radio broadcasts! Again, I don't own the CBC. The government does.
This Is That 2016
After taking the year off, this British Columbia, that British Columbia, and the other British Columbia finally gathered together at the CBC studio in downtown Vancouver, BC. Pat Kelly, Peter Oldring, and Gene Sloan sat together at the radio desk. With headsets on, microphones at the ready, and documents laid out, the three of them prepared for another broadcast. Sure, their broadcast might have been delayed for a while, but oh well.
The typical theme song of 'This is That' began to play and broadcast all around Canada, beginning right here, right now, in the CBC studio in Vancouver.
"I'm… Peter Oldring."
"And I'm Pat Kelly."
"And today… on This… Is… That…!"
"We've been receiving a lot of feedback for our commentary of how to address Canada in the nicest way possible," Peter Oldring said into the microphone. "And for today, we will be talking about that feedback we have received from our loyal listeners. We'll even speak to some of our listeners who are here today in our studio! But before we get to that, we will of course get to once again hear from our very own Gene Sloan who once again will address Canada in the most honest way possible."
"All this and more! Today! On This… Is… That!"
2016
Canada:
North America's third largest nation.
Lovers… of hot dogs.
From bug bites… to Northern Lights.
Canada!
A road runs through it!
The Stanley Cup champions of camping!
Canada:
Inventors of tennis.
Canada:
No shoes. No shirt. No problem.
Snow banks, and septic tanks.
We break the ice with BOATS!
Canada:
Land… of the free-ze.
50 shades of SNOW.
From forest FIRES… to winter TIRES.
From snow banks… to septic tanks.
Canada:
Australia's winter home!
Bug bites… and Northern Lights!
Canada!
Nature's food truck!
Where 19-year old Americans learn to drink.
Canada:
Inventor of yoga pants.
Take your shoes off at the door.
Anaconda spelt backwards.
Inventor of formal fleece wear.
Canada.
Let's peer into the heart of this great nation.
Who it is.
Where it is.
And how it's getting there.
And who's involved.
And what's at stake.
Where is it…?
(Canada)
This. Is. That.
"With a monumental ton of feedback from our loyal listeners," Peter Oldring said, "we have decided that we wanted to hear from you, and what you had to make of addressing Canada in the most honest and nicest way possible."
"Indeed, so that's what we did," Pat Kelly added. "So here's what you had to say. Please note that whatever is said here reflects just how good of a job we've done."
Working at the computers at their desks, the programmers in the CBC studio let the talkbacks reel, and the same voices were broadcast over CBC Radio One as well as into the ears of the radio hosts.
"I have been listening to CBC for a long time, and I think calling Canada the home of sandy oil is the most insulting thing you could ever address," was the comment from Alberta.
"Your statements are really not that funny," Saskatchewan said. "We may have wheat fields that may be aging, but that's nothing to be proud of."
"Your show is terrible," was what all Manitoba said.
But most of the fire came from Ontario, no less. "Rob Ford?! Really?! That is a low blow, CBC. Burn the show! Bury it! We are not America's pupil, in a way! Calling us whatever that's cold is just satirical! Oh, for crying out loud, British Columbia, we hate this show! We DO have a queen, and Burger King is not our king! For what it's worth, we hate this show."
And then there was Québec. "Worst of all, we can't stand being the laughable symbol of maple syrup production! It's not even funny! The idea of Canadians being this icon is ridiculous."
Peter Oldring and Pat Kelly sat patiently as they kept listening to the triumphant feedback.
"What, are you trying to start a civil war within the nation? We can't keep labelling each other idiots," New Brunswick said. "Whatever is happening over at CBC British Columbia, or whoever, for that matter, should get fired!"
Prince Edward Island joined in, "You can't keep labelling us something we're not to be proud of, CBC. Come on, what are you thinking?!"
Nova Scotia added, "I have never, ever, ever, ever, heard us being labeled as boats and ice and a lot of coast. Sure, we have skies and lakes and skies, but we have OCEANS, CBC. OCEANS. OCEANS. OCEANS! Which goes to say there is lots of coast but you never know…"
"Well, that is what we hear from our listeners. Our most honest and open feedback ever," Pat Kelly said. "You're listening to This is That on CBC Radio One. Do you have any opinions on the matter of addressing Canada in the most honest way possible? You can reach us by email. We're also on Twitter, at CBCThisIsThat."
Peter Oldring added. "Of course you can find us on Facebook, or you can let us know on our talkback line at 1-***-Joe-Chic. We want to know what you think."
As the interlude went on, Gene Sloan took over.
Canada:
Inventors of SNOWBALLS.
Gretzskies… on jet skis.
You have to SKI it… to BELIEVE it…
Inventors of HAMILTON.
From migrating DUCKS… to flying PUCKS.
Listening to DRAKE on a LAKE.
Canada:
A curling… whirling… dervish.
Bring a sweater.
Stanley Cup champions of camping!
Canada!
Practically… a lake!
Stealing American Netflix since (2010!) Two-Thousand-and-Ten!
Canada:
Home of Toronto.
Mostly around… the highway.
America's BARN team!
Mostly around the border.
Canada!
HOME… of hickory sticks.
What's trending here is usually weather!
Every vowel is an 'eh!'!
Home… of (Zed) Z!
Canada:
Voted most likely to succeed by the class of 1867.
Canada:
France and England's teenager.
Hockey stars, and Nanaimo BARS…
From Sicamous to Pamplemousse.
Canada:
Home of BELT-MOUNTED cellphones!
Leading the WORLD… in the Thanksgiving race.
When in doubt, portage…
The world's leader in Thanksgiving.
Canada!
The world's 'coolest' fashion.
When the rain turns to SNOW… you know you're getting close.
From the St. Lawrence to St. John. From St. Albert to St. John's.
Canada:
Inventory of money!
From our hockey STARS… to our Nanaimo bars…
America's overhead compartment!
Canada:
Home… of WOOD.
What we lack in NUKES… we make up for… in TOQUES!
From snow BLOWING to Leonard Cohen-ing.
Inventor of formal fleece wear!
Canada:
Inventors of GINGER ALE!
Where you can wear pants… all year long…
America in plaid clothing!
The world's largest small town!
Canada:
The world's 'oldest' country.
So big it could fit two Canadas inside of it…!
More coast than you could shake a boat at!
Canada!
The world's 'oldest' country.
Leaving our carbon footprint… in the snow.
From snow blowing… to Leonard Cohen-ing.
You've got to SKI it… to BELIEVE it…
Canada:
Visible from space!
Canada:
Where the world SHOPS for WOOD and FUR…
From our sports TEAMS… to our CURLING teams.
Defrost before enjoying.
Canada:
Inventors of snowballs…
Canada:
TIME to pull out the box… of toques.
America's… ATTIC.
Canada:
Inventors of frostbite.
Alaska's subconscious.
Canada:
From salted COD to salted STREETS.
Canada:
Home of the HOLIDAYS.
The President's CHOICE… of countries.
Canada:
Walking uphill both ways in a snowstorm…
This... Is… That.
"You're listening to This is That on CBC Radio One," Peter Oldring said.
"Today, we have a special guest who is visiting our studio," Pat Kelly added. "All we can say about our guest is she has travelled across the country – literally – to join us with a positive reaction to our show. Please welcome: Newfoundland. How are you, Newfoundland?"
Indeed, there was 'Newfoundland' sitting with the BC radio hosts, with a headset and microphone set for her as well. She looked pretty hyped and happy to even be here.
"I'm doing great, thank you," she replied happily.
"Tell us what you think about how we address Canada in the most honest way possible," Peter Oldring asked.
"I personally think that it's the best thing I've ever heard in a long time," Newfoundland replied. "We might have a knack for being 'Canadian' per se, but I think that we just haven't been doing a good job at describing ourselves. I believe that if we describe ourselves like this – we might make ourselves look more appealing to the world."
"We would agree, but what would you make of the others and their kinds of feedback?"
"Oh, we could say they're too stuck up, I guess. Let's consider Ontario, who is kind of over the top of being 'inventors of Hamilton' and 'home of Toronto'. I mean come on. Consider this. If we went to visit England, and said "I'm from Canada! The home of Toronto!" England would probably understand, right? We'll be the show-offs for once."
Peter Oldring looked away for a moment and went back to the microphone, "But I don't see –"
"But Peter, if we went and said Toronto has plenty of maple syrup for sale, then who is anyone to judge? We'll be able to market Canada in a surprisingly honest way and attract everyone! Toronto: the makers of maple syrup! The maple leaves say it all"
"Newfoundland," Pat Kelly interrupted. "Maple syrup is produced in Quebec."
"Oh, really? I didn't know that!" Newfoundland replied. Such a response earned chuckles from both Peter Oldring and Pat Kelly. "Either way, it doesn't matter. We might as well say maple syrup is produced in Alberta, but of course, that's where all the oil is. But that's the point! If we say Canada can produce oil and maple syrup at the same time, then who are we to judge?"
"Newfoundland," Pat Kelly interrupted again, "I'm going to have to stop you there. Are you under the impression that Toronto produces maple syrup?"
"Yes," she replied.
"That is not true. Again, maple syrup is produced in Quebec. Plus, the maple leaves you're referring to might be a reference to maple leafs. You know, the hockey team?"
"I honestly think that is not true, I don't believe you're correct on that," Newfoundland replied. "Let's face it. Where you will have trees, you will have maple trees!"
Peter Oldring went on. "Okay then. Moving, on, what else could you say about profiling Canada in the most honest way possible?"
"Personally, I also think it's a great way to get into everyone's minds," Newfoundland replied. "We always would think that Ontario and Québec knew a lot of Canada, but now we realise that they have the opposite mindset! They're just too stuck up, I guess."
"Kind of like you're refusing the learn the name–"
"On-terrible," Newfoundland happily said, "as everyone else in Canada would say it. Sure, sure, we've got our share of terrible stuff, but if it rhymes with 'Ontario', then why not?"
Peter Oldring nodded. "Well, we certainly appreciate having you join us on the program, Newfoundland."
"Thank you, Peter!" Newfoundland said.
The theme song for 'This Is That', played once more, as the BC (British Columbia) radio hosts Pat Kelly and Peter Oldring prepared for the off.
"Well, that was This Is That for this week," Pat Kelly said.
"Make sure you tune in next week for Gene Sloan's additional comments on presenting Canada in the most honest way possible on behalf of Canadians," Peter Oldring added.
"Also, Canada," Pat Kelly added, "we have written a book. It's called the 'This Is That Travel Guide to Canada'. If you'd like more information on how to get your hands on one, head to . I'm Pat Kelly."
"And I'm Peter Oldring."
"Remember, Canada…"
"If it's not this…"
"Then it must be… that."
This Is That is created, produced, and improvised every week… by Peter Oldring and Pat Kelly.
With contributions by:
Mike… BALAZO.
Sara… ERIKSON.
SCOTT… Vrooman.
Chris… REDMAN.
Lauren… ASH.
This Is That was recorded and produced… in Vancouver… by Chris Kelly.
And I'm… Gene Sloan.
This. Was. That.