It seems almost inevitable. The fire is everywhere. Surrounding me, encompassing me, enveloping my brain until all I can see are sparks of pain. Bodies are strewn around me, including one of the Avox boy. The sight fills me with regret. It's my fault. All my fault.
Mutts appear out of the unforgiving flames, their eyes filled with burning anger. I try to run but the fear numbs me to the point which I can't move. They pounce on me, and I just know they want to devour every part of my body and soul. One opens its mouth, and Peeta's voice jumps out at me. You're the reason I'm dead, Katniss. It's your fault we're all dead. No one will ever forgive you. In the back of my head, I hear Rue's whistling. I scream in terror, pain, and sadness as the mutts descend. All. My. Fault.
My own frightened screams awaken me, and suddenly I'm in my house in District 12. I'm soaked to the bone with sweat. Gale rushes in to see me hyperventilating, trying to regain some sense of reality. I'm so thankful he's here with me. He seems to be the only part of my old life that's still true.
The nightmares started three days after the Games ended. They're different almost every night, but they always end the same horrifying way. Screaming. Crying. All. My. Fault. It's been seven months since then, and the nightmares still haunt me every night. No matter what I do they won't stop. It's gotten to the point where I scare my mother and Prim so much that they can't stay in the house. They spend their nights with Haymitch, and Gale offers to say with me. It's nice to know that normal is only down the hall. I know it hurts Gale to witness me in this state, but his eyes still tell me he's committed.
The very sight of him brings me to tears of relief and sadness. He crosses the room to my bed, hugging me. I bury my head in his chest, crying so much I can't stand it. I hate being so vulnerable. I am sick of always being too fragile. We sit there for who know how long in the cold darkness, me so weak and him so strong.
Finally I pull away to dry my eyes, trying to hide my face. But Gale stares full on at me. His piercing stare can alone bring me to tears, but I fight the urge to cry in front of him.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, I-I'm fine. Really."
"I can stay. You know, if it helps."
"Really. It's not that bad," Really I just want him to go away.
He tries to smile sympathetically, but I can see the pain in his eyes. He gets up and leaves.
When he's finally gone, I start crying again. Not out of fear, but out of anger. I hurt everyone I come in contact with. I hurt all those people in the area. I hurt Rue and Peeta by not being there when they needed me. I hurt their families and their districts. I hurt Peeta's family worse. I hurt my family every time I scream at night. I hurt my best friend by forcing him to see me this way. I hurt everyone and everything I touch.
I finally retreat under the covers and curl up in a ball, hoping it will muffle my sobbing. Finally I drift into another restless sleep, but somehow contain my screams.
The next day I wake up to sounds in the kitchen. As I walk in, I see it's only my mother in the house. Prim is off to school and Gale to work in the mines.
"Good morning. Sleep well?" My mother notices the dark circle under my eyes and has her answer. She changes the subject. "It snowed last night. I thought you would like that."
Actually I did. I needed to cool off (no pun intended) in seclusion. A big storm would prevent most people from coming outside, let alone bother me.
I grab my old boots and trudge into the chilling air. Looking around the Champion's Circle, there is no one outside. Who would be? Haymitch is either drunk or hung over. No one else.
There is about three feet of snow on the ground. After walking a safe distance toward the fence, I lay prostrate on the ground. I let the snow overpower my body, hoping it will extinguish the fire inside. But it only leaves me cold and alone.
After a while, I get up, letting my feet carry me. Soon I find myself at the bakery. Crap. But I go in, none the less. And what I do isn't so shocking anymore.
"Can I have one loaf of bread?" I ask tentatively. I try not to meet the gaze of Peeta's father.
Silently he gives me the bread, and I give him all the money in my pocket. It's way too much for one loaf, but I won't let myself do otherwise.
I walk behind the bakery and arrive at the makeshift grave. I lay the bread down. I have to talk to him.
"Hey… I brought you some bread. Remember when you would tell me what kind came from each district?" The memory brings fresh tears to my eyes, but I continue, "It's been a while since I've been here last. But I saw you again last night in the arena… Oh Peeta I'm so sorry. It is all my fault, I know it." I fall down to the ground, shaken. I grab the headstone to steady me.
I hear footsteps crunching in the snow, but refuse to look up. When I finally do, I'm astonished to see Peeta's brother, whose name I cannot for the life of me remember. But it's amazing, the resemblance between him and his dead brother.
"You come here too, huh?" He says. I can barely nod my head. He looks at Peeta's grave, and I'm expecting him to blame me or yell at me. Instead, he simply says, "It's not your fault, you know. Peeta. He would have died in the Games with or without you protecting him."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying that you can't keep beating yourself up about what happened. He already knew he was walking to his death. He knew you had to be the one to come home. You would be happier."
I'm flabbergasted. "You think I'm happy right now? You think I enjoy being haunted by 23 ghosts that I killed? You think I like being the one to blame for all of that?" My anger takes over, and I stand up from the grave. I'm shaking with anger and with terror.
"Wait a second! Happy wasn't the right word there. I meant to say that Peeta knew you would do greater things with your life then he ever would."
"Do you realize you're saying this about your DEAD BROTHER? I can't believe you!"
"Your life is more important to others. If Peeta came home, do you know how many people would never be the same? Peeta, your mom, your sister, and your friend wouldn't be able to stand living! Your life means a lot more to people. He and I both know that you will be a blessing to many people. Peeta sacrificed his life for you, Katniss, and for all those people. Including himself."
"But you don't understand. I can't forgive myself for what happened in the arena! I can't! I hurt a lot of people with what I did! I the reason people are grieving."
"Look, I know what you did wasn't easy. But Peeta knew that you were strong enough to move past this and have a meaningful life. I just don't think you do," He started to turn, when he stopped, "You mean a lot to someone. And if you ask them I'm sure they would do the same as Peeta."
And he was gone. I was left with his words hanging in the air.