warnings: (very) light yaoi, will do more if I add more chapters
Disclaimer: I own nothing that is bleach, nor do I profit from my admiration
Endurance
He was so exasperated. For once he wished he could rip out his ailing lungs and fight unimpeded like anyone else. He was so tired of having to calculate every move he made to ensure he didn't set off another debilitating attack. The hollow in front of him seemed momentarily confused as the white haired shinigami paused to cough lightly. Recovering quickly, he leapt above the Hollow to drive his zanpakto through its bone mask before it remembered to swipe him with its claws. Landing gracefully he looked around to see the remaining Hollows swiftly taken care of by his subordinates before allowing his protesting body to hack up more blood.
"Taichou. All of the Hollows have been cleansed with minimal injury."
The exhausted captain nodded at his third seat before waving his hand in an order to fall back to Seireitei. The training exercise was a success. Several new graduates had completed their first Hollow raid and nearly all had come through unscathed. Coughing a few more times, the slender captain spit the last of the blood out before heading back to his quarters to change and take a bath.
When he got to his office, his third seats had already written the preliminary reports and gone home. Making sure that everyone had been accounted for, he poured himself some green tea that Kiyone had thoughtfully prepared before she left for the night. It was almost still hot. Sighing, he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to relieve a dull ache that was growing there. His eyes remained closed as he heard a familiar step outside his door moments before it opened with a cool breeze and the scent of rose petals.
"Hello handsome."
Jushiro smiled and opened his eyes tiredly to greet his old friend.
"Shunsui, I thought for sure you would be out already. It is well past sunset."
The big man chuckled softly and went over to sit by his tired friend.
"I felt you could use some company tonight, I heard all went well."
Shunsui raised an eyebrow as if he questioned his statement. What he didn't say was that he sensed Jushiro's reiatsu was different tonight. It was still soothing on its edges, but like the sea his friend loved so deeply, the surface remained calm while the depths hid ominous undercurrents.
He wasn't sure why it was different tonight, but Kyouraku was uneasy and he wanted to make sure that his friend was truly unharmed from the earlier exercise. Seeing Jushiro seemingly unaffected didn't calm his unease as much as he would have liked.
"Shunsui? You seem tense."
Jushiro was surprised at the big man's reigned in stress. It wasn't like Shunsui to be nervous, nor was it like him to be over visiting with vague concerns. Unfortunately, his presence did little to detract from Jushiro's growing headache. Pinching his nose again, Jushiro stifled a sigh as he waited for Shunsui to tell him what was bothering him, trying not to fidget under the big man's measured gaze.
"Jushiro, something feels off. I don't know what it is exactly, almost as if you are about to get sick but it isn't quite the…whoa!"
Jushiro's head jerked up as he realized e had fallen asleep within seconds of Shunsui's explanation. Appalled, he looked up into startled brown eyes that seemed to mirror his own confusion.
"I'm sorry Shunsui…I…I guess I'm just worn out. I was going to take a bath and go to bed early tonight."
Frowning, Shunsui nodded and helped his friend get up. He followed Jushiro to his sleeping quarters and beyond to the washroom, helping to draw steaming water into the bath. Shivering, Jushiro quickly undressed and lowered himself into the bath. Shunsui watched for a moment before removing his own clothes. He was careful not to disturb Jushiro as he got in behind him and pulled the slender man against him. Sighing contentedly, Jushiro relaxed against the broad chest and closed his eyes.
Absently he played with the ends of his hair and thought for the hundredth time about cutting it all off so he wouldn't have to worry about it. He smiled as Shunsui's big hands gently pulled the silky strands free from his fingers. He shivered when he heard Shunsui's husky voice in his ear.
"Don't even think about it."
Snorting inelegantly, Jushiro rolled his eyes. "It's such a pain to take care of. It is much more manageable when it's short, like the academy days. Besides, I already look old with it being white, I don't want to look like a woman with it being long."
He felt the broad chest behind him rumble as his friend laughed at his exasperation.
"Ah Jushiro, all the women of Seireitei are jealous of your beautiful hair. And you don't look old. If it weren't white, you'd look prepubescent."
Jushiro rolled his eyes again. It was an argument they'd had countless times throughout the centuries since the Academy. He did like his hair, but it was a pain to take care of and he did feel old at times.
Lurching, he suddenly began coughing violently, his entire body going rigid as he tried to stifle the oncoming blood. Shunsui pulled his hair back while he wrapped a thick arm around Jushiro's contracting abdomen to keep the lean man from plunging forward into the water. Usually Jushiro would relax into Shunsui's arm but this time he struggled against it with a strength that belied his slight stature.
"Jushiro! Don't fight it!"
Jushiro coughed more blood into the water before his whole body suddenly went limp. Standing up and dragging Jushiro up with both arms, Shunsui lifted his friend out of the now pink water and shunpo'd to his futon. Alarmed, Shunsui flared his reiatsu to try and get a response from Jushiro but his friend's reiatsu failed to counter and intertwine with his own as it usually did. Shunsui threw on a kimono and grabbed another to wrap around his friend before quickly shunpo-ing to the Fourth Division.
Encountering a lower seated officer at the infirmary, Shunsui barked out orders to get Unohana as he brought Jushiro to the all too familiar room that was kept ready specifically for him. Laying him down gently on the bed, Shunsui moved to the side in order to allow Unohana faster access to her most frequent patient. Beads of sweat were gathering on Jushiro's forehead and he started coughing quietly again.
Unohana appeared moments later and began to check all of Jushiro's vitals.
"What happened Kyouraku Taichou?" She asked calmly.
"His reiatsu felt different so I came to check on him. He complained of a headache and at one point fell asleep quite suddenly. He began coughing violently in the bath and his body went so rigid I thought he would snap his backbone. He coughed up a lot of blood and eventually passed out before I brought him here. I've never seen this happen before."
Unohana nodded calmly and continued to administer to the white haired captain. Inside she was worried. She knew that Jushiro's condition was worsening and that there was little they could do for him other than to try and make him comfortable. Though she would never want to face him in battle, she still wondered why Soutaichou Yamamoto had promoted and retained him as a captain.
Cautiously, she sent her reiatsu out to feel his response. Shunsui started in surprise when he felt her reiatsu gently brush his. Curious, he reigned his in so that she could continue what she was doing unimpeded. He felt Jushiro's reiatsu spike slightly and then gasped again as Unohana suddenly flared hers to attack level. Flaring his own instinctively, he grabbed her arm in warning.
"Be still Kyouraku Taichou! I need to fully assess Ukitake Taichou's health." They watched Jushiro struggle against the stifling reiatsu before it snuffed out. Unohana looked up at Shunsui and waited until he met her saddened eyes.
"Shunsui," He startled at her drop of honorifics. "Soutaichou Yamamoto predicted that his health would increasingly fail and that I should notify him when I think the damage has reached a certain point. We all knew that he would likely die young from his disease." Gently, she laid her hand on Jushiro's shoulder and looked down at the slender man. "His reiatsu has indeed changed. I'm not sure what it means, but I'm afraid it doesn't feel good."
She paused to look back down at her old friend and in a move that both surprised and disconcerted Shunsui in its honesty, she leaned over to softly brush Jushiro's stubborn bang from his face and kiss him softly on the forehead.
Quietly she bowed slightly and retreated from the room. Shunsui felt the walls cave in and it was suddenly hard to breathe. Vaguely he wondered if this was what it felt like for Jushiro on a good day and squeezed his eyes shut. It couldn't be, not yet! It was too soon. There were too many days left to sit on the roof drinking sake and sipping tea. There were too many times to jump out and scare Jushiro while he peacefully gardened. There were too many times yet to try and make the serene and constant captain jealous of his flirtations with women. Most importantly, there were too many times to try and make the beautiful white haired captain understand how much he needed him, body and soul.
For the first time in years, Shunsui felt the first tendrils of despair welling up in his chest and tried to calm down before his reiatsu exploded. Fearing the soul numbing depression he fell into during his youth when he first came to the Academy, Shunsui laid down next to the pale captain and buried his face into the soft, snowy hair. Squeezing his eyes shut, he breathed in Jushiro's familiar scent of lavender and salt and willed himself to an uneasy sleep.
*******
The next morning, Jushiro was up early. Startled he recognized the infirmary and felt a familiar lump next to him. Shunsui was snoring lightly and Jushiro thought he looked exhausted. His headache was gone and he was having trouble remembering how he got to the infirmary exactly. When memories didn't come, he shrugged it off and waited for either a nurse to come in or for Shunsui to wake up. As if on cue, someone lightly tapped on the door frame.
"Come in." He called softly. Hanataro walked in shyly and set a tray loaded with food down in front of him.
"Ukitake Taichou, I've brought you and Kyouraku Taichou some breakfast. Unohana Taichou gave me the message that she will be stopping by shortly with Sou…Soutaichou Ya..Yamamoto."
Jushiro pretended not to notice the nervous boy's stutter in saying the Soutaichou's name. Instead, Jushiro smiled kindly at Hanataro and thanked him for the breakfast. Bowing, Hanataro retreated quickly from the room.
Jushiro briefly considered waiting for Shunsui to wake up before starting to eat, but his stomach protested and he reasoned that Shunsui surely wouldn't mind if he started without him. Halfway through the tray, Shunsui chuckled and propped himself up on his elbows.
"You must eat more than anyone in Seireitei…Soifon should speak to you about Omaeda." Shunsui gently grabbed Jushiro's wrist and paused to marvel at how such a slender wrist could wield a sword with such ferocity.
"I just have a high level of reiatsu." Jushiro expertly twisted his wrist free in order to continue eating the persimmon in his hand.
"Definitely more than Omaeda" Shunsui waited for an exasperated response as he slid his hand down Jushiro's side.
"It's too early to be rude Shunsui…" Jushiro batted his wandering hand away.
"You're cute when you get riled" Shunsui let his hand rest on Jushiro's hip.
"Shunsui…" Jushiro warned as he wriggled away from Shunsui's heavy hand.
Chuckling, Shunsui sat up and grabbed a bowl of rice. Jushiro unconsciously moved back towards Shunsui until their legs were touching. Suddenly, Shunsui felt frustrated. Whenever confronted with affection, Jushiro shied away. But, whenever Jushiro was distracted, he always moved back. Shunsui was suddenly and uncharacteristically irritated with the charade.
"Jushiro, why is loving me so uncomfortable for you. Hasn't hundreds of years been enough time to get over it?"
Startled, Jushiro's expressive hazel eyes shuttered as he saw the pain and hurt in his friend's deep brown eyes.
He didn't want to have this conversation today. To be honest, he never wanted to have this conversation.
*******
Years ago, their roles had been reversed. He had always been the one quietly looking after the handsome man in front of him as that man walked off with a girl on each arm. He had always been the one asking Shunsui whether he loved him or not and was always left feeling slightly hollow when the big man laughed and said that they were brothers in arms. When their relationship turned physical, Jushiro had been shocked at how much he wanted Shunsui despite his initial hesitation. From that point on, Jushiro had never looked at anyone else for a relationship again.
Though Shunsui knew of Jushiro's condition from early on, it was years before he actually witnessed a coughing fit. Jushiro never forgot that day when Shunsui's eyes shuttered with pity as Jushiro was on his knees attempting to stifle the blood spewing with each breath. Horrified, Jushiro had quickly fled to the washroom and waited until Shunsui had left. It had taken two years of awkward silences before Jushiro finally broke down and asked Shunsui if he was too repulsed to touch him again. Shunsui had replied that Jushiro was too fragile. Stunned and hurt more than he thought possible, Jushiro had walked away from Shunsui and the tatters of their relationship only to immerse himself in training.
It was at that point that they both were promoted captains of the newly formed Gotei 13 and no longer shared a room. Grateful for the separation and distance, their friendship grew again without any physical entanglements as they learned to lead their divisions. After a particularly difficult fight with a Hollow, Jushiro fell when a coughing fit left him open to attack.
Feeling his reiatsu flare and then snuff out, Shunsui had abandoned his division in a panic to search out his friend. Finding him torn and broken, Shunsui was convinced more than ever that the beautiful captain was too fragile to interfere with. However, he was honest enough to admit that his own life would be incomplete without Jushiro anchoring the parts of him that were truly important.
Jushiro survived that attack; he always survived hollow attacks as if his fate was to die only by his disease. Though their friendship grew closer and more intense, Jushiro silently suffered as Shunsui continued to seek out beautiful women. Once he had explained to Jushiro that though he loved beautiful women, he always came back to Jushiro.
Bitterly, Jushiro noted that Shunsui could easily say he loved all of the faceless, nameless women he had slept with but refused to say it to Jushiro. He knew that Shunsui cared for him, that he was maybe the most important person in Shunsui's life, but it still ate at him that Shunsui would never openly acknowledge it.
He had made up his mind that he was satisfied with what they had and he didn't need any of the affirmations traditional in an intimate relationship. Recognizing that he held this against his friend and lover, Jushiro struggled to accept Shunsui's explanation that words were just decoration, intended to flatter but never to promise.
Eventually they fell into the easy pattern of best friends by day and lovers by night with Jushiro keeping the boundaries firmly in place while Shunsui teasingly pushed them around. It amused Jushiro endlessly when Shunsui's game was turned around on him with his new lieutenant Yadomaru Lisa and it amused him further when Shunsui unexpectedly grew jealous of his own lieutenant, child prodigy Shiba Kaien. The loss of Lisa had nearly undone Shunsui, and Jushiro later realized when he lost Kaien and Miyako that Yamamoto sensei had been correct: Jushiro was the stronger of them.
When Shunsui's new lieutenant Ise Nanao was promoted, Jushiro's resolve for boundaries was further strengthened. He didn't know what it was he and Shunsui had but he determined to keep it neatly packaged and mostly hidden. He would defend Shunsui until death, he would support Shunsui through anything, he would surrender his body to Shunsui. The long years with Shunsui had finally taught him that he would never obtain what he had long wanted most from his difficult friend and therefore he almost defiantly no longer sought it out.
*******
"Shunsui, I don't understand what you mean. We are brothers in arms and longtime friends. You already have everything I can give." Jushiro said carefully, well aware that Shunsui knew he was not answering the question Shunsui was really asking.
*******
Shunsui wanted to slap that beautiful face with its unending supply of quiet confidence. He hated that he needed Jushiro so much more than Jushiro needed him. It was always Shunsui that ran when he felt Jushiro's reiatsu flicker. It was always him seeking Jushiro out and trying to provoke him through flirting or exasperation.
Of course, everything came so easily to Jushiro. He never second guessed himself, always able to strike with devastating assurance and impeccable technique. Yama-jii counseled with him, and the other captains respected him more than any other of their rank. His division adored him and shinigami outside his division flocked to him for advice and comfort. His sense of justice never wavered, and dammit if he wasn't so breathtakingly beautiful. It frustrated Shunsui that Jushiro was unaware of his effect on everyone around him, particularly his effect on Shunsui.
He remembered that night long ago when he first saw Jushiro on his knees, barely able to breathe with blood dripping between his fingers as he tried to suppress the noise. Though he had known exactly what coughing did to his friend, Shunsui was completely unprepared to see Jushiro battling so violently against his own body. He remembered the look of panic in Jushiro's eyes right before he fled to the washroom.
At that point, Shunsui had resolved to protect Jushiro in any way possible; to make his life easier so that there would be fewer flare ups in his lungs. He resolved to be less of a burden on Jushiro and to stop monopolizing the beautiful man's time. Surprisingly, Shunsui began to focus more on his own schooling and training. He was already a large man with good skills but he developed into an excellent tactician in class and an uncanny judge of character. He drank slightly less and slept around slightly more. When he and Jushiro would briefly pass each other in the barracks, they were friendly if casual.
One night, Shunsui unexpectedly went back to sleep in the barracks after being at the bar and was devastated to see Jushiro asleep on his futon with his arms wrapped around a girl from their class. Shunsui fled back to the bar and avoided Jushiro completely for a week.
It was about a year after that when a drunk Jushiro finally cornered him at a party and fiercely kissed him. Shocked, Shunsui didn't know how to react and stood stiffly until Jushiro pulled away. With moonlight illuminating his pale face and anguish in his eyes, Jushiro had demanded to know why Shunsui had given up on him. Hating that it would hurt Jushiro even more, Shunsui had told him that he was afraid of breaking him, even though he wanted the slender man more than anything. Jushiro had reacted as if he'd been slapped and had stumbled back into the party. It was at that point that Jushiro emerged as a natural leader, full of charisma and a reiatsu that eclipsed everyone except Soutaichou Yamamoto.
Shunsui remembered the night he first thought Jushiro had been killed. It had been snowing and his division was a wreck. Everyone was fighting back in the early days before the Gotei 13 had solidified into organized ranks and battle was more chaos than militaristic precision.
Shunsui always knew where Jushiro was, his formidable reiatsu made him hard to miss. When it flared searingly bright and then snuffed out, Shunsui found himself shunpo-ing away from his beleaguered division. Panicking he saw Jushiro's body tossed near a tree, his division already around him and the hollows sufficiently repelled. His torso had been torn open from one collarbone to his hip with cold precision. Some of his viscera were already protruding from the gash and his leg was bent backward underneath him. His zanpakuto was still in his grip and his eyes were open and glassy. One arm was nearly severed at the elbow and one of his subordinates was vainly trying to perform healing kido.
Luckily Unohana had been nearby and was at his side quickly. She released her bankai and swept Jushiro away from the field. Shunsui was never quite sure how Jushiro survived or what Unohana had done to save his life, but when he saw Jushiro laying in the Fourth division recovering, he broke down. He wept openly at his idea of protecting Jushiro by leaving him alone to which the recovering man reacted by turning away, embarassed. Slightly desperate, Shunsui had grabbed Jushiro's face and pulled it towards him roughly. Pausing for only a second, he kissed Jushiro with all of the passion, hurt, desperation and yearning he possessed to try and make the injured man understand. Jushiro had hesitated infinitesimally before he finally, roughly, tangled his fingers in Shunsui's hair and kissed him back with equal passion, hurt, desperation and yearning. From that point on, Shunsui no longer avoided his friend, emotionally or physically, and in the beginning he failed to notice that Jushiro always held a little back.
*******
Jushiro coughed politely to pull Shunsui back into the present moment. Sighing, Shunsui decided not to press the issue tonight. "Never mind Jushiro, it doesn't matter."
Jushiro was thankful that the conversation had been put off yet again and suddenly felt extremely tired. Smiling at his friend, he set down his empty bowl and chopsticks and rested his head against the big man's shoulder. Surprised, Shunsui wrapped an arm around his friend, briefly squeezing the chiseled bicep before he relaxed. Tiredly he pulled them both back to lay down and closed his eyes.
"I thought we just got up?" Jushiro asked, amusement in his voice.
"Well, there's only two things to do in bed, and I'm pretty sure you don't want to do my first choice…" Shunsui was half hopeful that Jushiro wouldn't be a prude, but centuries of experience told him not to get excited.
"Shunsui, you never change." Jushiro's voice sounded playful, but underneath was a bitterness unusual for the gentle captain. Before Shunsui could question his friend, Jushiro laid down and rolled to face away from him, effectively shutting down.
Jushiro reminded himself that what he had with Shunsui was enough and that it was selfish to want more when the big man wasn't able to give more than he already had. Shunsui would always need to be surrounded by vivacious, pretty things…by life. What more could he offer with his dying body and his traditional idea of one person, one relationship.
He'd just have to do as he's always done his whole life: endure.