OK, this is supposed to be funny, and bizarre, and yet somehow, it's getting kind of touching...I'm really starting to LIKE all these people. :)

A Stupid Batman Joker 70's Show Story!

Chapter 1

Joe

It was a crisp autumn day, and Joker, who's real name was Joe, was hurrying along to get to the restaurant where he was to meet his girlfriend, Donna. He strode purposefully along, smiling even more than usual. He was excited because he planned to ask Donna to become his wife. It was kind of funny, because he hadn't really PLANNED on asking her today, until some stuff just happened, like it always seemed to do to him.

Earlier in the day, he had been beating the shit out of a pimp in an alley, attempting to rip him off, when he heard someone behind him. He spun around from the unconscious pimp, and saw a prostitute standing there. The prostitute looked like she had seen better days, but that was okay, because so had Joe. She was kind of fat, wearing a black tank top and a denim miniskirt. Joe debated shooting her immediately, and then he saw the diamond ring sparkling on her finger. They stood still and silent, eyes locked, waiting to see what the other would do. The prostitute trembled, and began backing away from Joe. He jumped off the pimp and came running at her. She turned and started to run, screaming, but it was too late. Joe dived at her and tackled her, knocking her onto her stomach and landing so that he was laying on top of her. She attempted to get away. Joe sat on her back and grabbed her dirty blond hair, pulling her face up so that it was inches from his. "Well, hello, beautiful!" he said, laughing. The whore started screaming, and Joe slammed her face into the concrete, and pulled her up by her hair again. Blood poured out of her nose and down her face. "You had better shut the fuck up," Joe said quietly. She seemed to understand. "What do you want?" she whispered. "Why are you painted up like that?"

Joe laughed and replied, "Well, sweetie, I just wanted to get to KNOW you a little better."

"So, you want to have sex with me?" asked the whore. "That's fine, just let me...."

"NO!" Joe screamed. "I wouldn't fuck you with a stolen dick, you disgusting piece of shit!" He was lying. He'd actually thought about fucking her, briefly, but she was so damn annoying he'd have to kill her first, and he really wasn't into the necrophilia thing. Not his cup of tea.

"I...don't understand....," she began. And, that was fine. Joe didn't really understand, either. He had just thought it would be fun to mess with her for a little bit. But he was already tired of it. He pulled out a switchblade and slit her throat. Dark blood poured onto the pavement. Joe giggled. The hooker collapsed, lifeless, and Joe brought her hand up to look at the diamond engagement ring sparkling on her finger. "Now where did something like you....get something like this?" he whispered. It was exquisite, a flawless emerald-cut diamond in a yellow gold setting. Probably stole it off someone, he figured. Oh, well, he had a plan for it now. Joe tugged at the ring, but it was stuck. He continued to pull on it, frowning.

Fast forward to now, four hours later. Joe was almost to the restaurant. He pulled the ring out of his coat pocket and started giggling. He had almost forgotten! He pulled the prostitute's severed finger out of the ring and slammed it into a nearby trash can. He breathed heavily on the ring, and wiped it on his coat. He couldn't have any of that hooker filth touch his precious Donna.

Oh, Donna. She was so perfect. So special. He couldn't believe that she loved him, of all people. She could have had anyone. Donna Pinciotti. He had met her on the subway one day. He was standing there, minding his own business. He turned and saw the pretty redhead looking at him. He was used to people staring at him, and he didn't really mind, but there was something about her. She didn't seem intimidated or offended by him. She looked up from her book, glanced at him, and smiled. It was a genuine smirk, and he knew it was genuine, because her eyes smiled at him, too. He knew he should turn around, but he just couldn't help it. There was something about her....that drew him in. He smiled back at her, and said, "What?"

"Oh, nothing," Donna said. She looked down at her book, and then started laughing hysterically. Joe looked at her and pointed at himself. "Is it my makeup?" he silently mouthed to her. Donna nodded, and scooted over, patting the seat beside her. "Come," she beckoned. "I just wanna know why." Joe sat down beside her, and looked into her smiling eyes, and then he started laughing himself. By the time they reached her stop, they had both laughed until they were in tears and their sides hurt.

"Where are you going?" Joe asked, realizing it was stupid, but unable to help himself.

"I'm just going home," Donna replied. "You wanna go get something to eat?" He nodded. And they had been together ever since that fateful night, nearly a year ago.

Donna was an English major at the local university. She planned to go to graduate school there. Joe had made up a story about the makeup....he told her he was a mime, of all the fucking stupid things...God, it had been hard to keep a straight face. Donna found this hilarious, but accepted the story and even bragged to her friends that he was an "artist" of a sort.

It had started as a friendship, something he wasn't totally familiar with, but he did his best...Donna just thought that he was a bit "socially awkward", as she tried to put it nicely......and then, one night, he was over to her house on a Friday night, and they were eating pizza, and watching movies, and drinking too much beer, and smoking a little dope, and Joe just suddenly couldn't hold back any more...he took her into his arms and began kissing her. She pulled back, and Joe tried to stand up off the couch.

"I......I'm sorry....sorry," Joe stammered. Donna stood up, her green eyes searching his.

"Don't be," she said, in a husky voice, and pulled him back down on the couch.

They had made out on the couch for hours, ignoring the movies they had rented, which had seemed so interesting at the video store. They fell asleep like that, cuddled together, giggling like giddy teenagers.

Since then, they were together almost all the time that Donna wasn't at school or Joe wasn't "working".

He found it amusing that she thought of him as so shy and gentle. He wondered what she'd think of his "work". But it wasn't like that with Donna. He liked her. She was fun, and respectful, and smart, and she treated him like a human being. She didn't piss him off like everyone else did. Most people, he just wanted to kind of choke, and then maybe stab a few times, and then shoot in the head.

Joe had become a regular fixture at her small apartment, and spent the night with her more often than not. He was touched by the kindnesses she showed him....washing his clothes, buying his favorite pop, making special meals for him. She baked him pies and cookies, and sat with him on the couch, doing her homework while he watched television. She let him sleep next to her, and snuggled with him, and kissed him so sweetly.....but she wouldn't put out. And Joe had tried. God, he had tried so hard. Some nights, as she kissed him and loved on him, it was all he could do not to attack her like a rabid dog. But somehow, he held back. Because it was Donna. HIS Donna. The one he would do anything for.

As he'd tried to persuade her for the umpteenth time last night, she'd bit her lip, and whispered in his ear, "I want to, Joe. I want to so bad. But I can't, because we aren't married." And then, she went to sleep, and Joe was left staring at the ceiling, aching with unfulfilled desire. Drat. Foiled again.

But that stupid little fat hooker today had solved this particular problem. Because, soon, she WOULD be his wife. He was sure of it.

He hadn't really thought much beyond the actual getting married and getting a piece of Donna thing. Joe didn't really like to have plans. They kind of cramped his style. This was the plan for this week. Perhaps, next week, there would be another plan.

Chapter 2

Joe's Proposal

Joe entered the restaurant and looked around for Donna. He spotted her at a table near the back, waving excitedly. He smiled and waved back. A man who worked at the restaurant approached him, looked him up and down in a snooty, condescending manner, and said, "May I HELP you?" Joe glared at him and kind of snarled. The man left. Joe went back to join Donna, grinning.

"Hey, Pumpkin!" he said, sitting down at the small table. "Hey, you!" Donna smiled. "I got you a pop, I didn't know what you'd want to eat, so I didn't order anything else. So, what's going on?"

"Donna.....I've, I've gotta....talk to you," he stammered. God, was this hard for normal guys, too?

"Oh, my God, Joe!" Donna said. "What's going on? Are you okay? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No....nothing like that," Joe replied, "It's just......I've been thinking.....about you, and me, and you, and, well, you're just so perfect, and I love you so much......and I don't know why you want me, but I want you, and I don't know..."

"Jesus, Joe, spit it out!" said Donna. "Are you trying to break up with...."

Joe grabbed the ring out of his pocket and thrust it at Donna, with his eyes closed. When she didn't start screaming or hitting him, he opened one eye, a little, to see what was going on.

Donna was staring at the ring, breathless. She looked up at him and her green eyes met his brown ones. Joe winced. "Oh my God, Joe," she whispered. "It's beautiful."

"So, you like it okay, then?" he asked.

"Well, of course, stupid! LOOK at it!" she smiled and laughed.

"So does that mean, you....are you okay with it if I.....what I'm trying to say is...," Joe began.

Donna looked at him, her eyes filled with tears. She nodded. "Yes, Joe, I love you."

"Now ask me right," she whispered.

Joe grinned. He loved being the center of attention. As long as he knew she wouldn't reject him in front of everyone, he was fine with it.

Joe grabbed the rose from the small vase on the table and held it in his teeth. He dropped to one knee and held her left hand in his. With his other hand, he took the ring and slid it onto her finger.

"Don-na, don-na...the love of my life....," he howled like a dying cow. " Mar-ry me and be my wife!"

Donna laughed as the other patrons in the restaurant cheered him on. "Yes, Joe," she replied.

"What was that?" Joe cried. "I can't HEAR you!"

"Yes, Joe!" she yelled. Joe stood up, took her in his arms, and began kissing her, swinging her around. The people in the restaurant clapped and cheered. Joe felt so...weird. So.....normal. It was odd.

Then, he felt someone tugging on his arm. He turned to see a little girl of about 8 standing beside him.

"Mister," she said. "Are you the CROW?"

Chapter 3

Marriage

Joe and Donna finished their meal and left the restaurant, holding hands. They walked down the block.

Donna turned and smiled at him. "You!" she said. Joe smiled back.

She turned and whispered in his ear, "I think we should go and do it right now!"

"Are you serious?" said Joe. "That's a great idea! I mean, that's what I want to do!"

She turned to hug him, "I mean, why not? We don't have any family here, either one of us! What have we got to lose?"

"I totally agree!" said Joe. He took her hand and began practically dragging her back to the apartment.

"Wait, stupid!" said Donna. "I mean, are you sure this is what you want?"

"Oh, yes!" said Joe. "I can't remember ever wanting anything more." He started trying to pull her again. "Yep," he said. "I want it. Bad."

"Silly," Donna said. "The courthouse is THAT way." She pointed to the left. "That's where we have to go to get married. You were headed back to the apartment!"

"Oh, well, gee," said Joe, flustered. "It must have been my nerves."

They headed to the courthouse, which, in a town the size of Gotham, is open quite late, and filled out a small paper. They had to present their drivers licenses, but really, the whole thing only took a few minutes and cost very little. Joe was surprised by it. Then, with the paper declaring them to be husband and wife, they went to stand in front of the judge.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" the judge asked Joe.

"I doubt it," replied Joe. "I'm a mime." Donna started laughing. Then Joe started laughing. The judge grinned.

"Well, okay," he said. "So, are you kids ready for this? Do you have a witness?"

"Oh....Jesus....no!" said Donna, "I didn't think about it! Oh, gee.....can I call my friend real quick? Is that okay? I mean, can you wait a minute for us?"

"Absolutely," smiled the judge. Joe shifted from foot to foot.

"Lemme go call Jackie real quick," Donna said, running to the hall.

"Okay," said Joe. He wanted out of here ASAP. Courthouses made him nervous.

"So you're a mime," the judge said to Joe.

"Yup," said Joe. "I mean, yes, sir."

The judge waved at him. "Oh, kiddo, you don't have to be so formal about it. I just...I've never met a mime. Does it PAY well?"

"Not really, sir," replied Joe. The judge smiled at him. Joe smiled back, trying not to look evil or desperately horny, which took a lot of effort.

Donna ran back into the room. "Okay, Jackie will be here in a couple of minutes," she said. "Is that still okay?"

"It sure is," said the judge. "It's always a pleasure doing things like this. Dealing with sweet college kids like you guys. Not like all the other assholes that come through here."

Joe looked at the floor and tried not to laugh or throw up.

"What is wrong with you?" Donna asked. "Are you fucking possessed?"

"Nothing," Joe said. "It's just....I feel funny....I think I'm going to puke. Oh, my God." Joe put his hands over his mouth. "Yep....just a minute.....Donna....stay RIGHT THERE....I love you....I'm gonna be right back....urp..."

Joe made a mad dash for the bathroom. Donna watched him go, and glanced up at the judge. "Is this normal?" she asked.

"Yeah," the judge replied. "It's his nerves. Don't worry. He'll be fine."

Soon, Jackie arrived with her friend Hyde, and they began the small ceremony. Jackie was the maid of honor, and Hyde, the best man. Donna held a small bouquet her friends had brought for her. It took only a few minutes, and Joe and Donna were officially husband and wife.

After a few minutes of hugging and crying, Jackie gave them a ride back to Donna's apartment.

They entered the small apartment and stood facing each other.

"Wow," said Donna. "This is kinda weird. I haven't ever been a wife before."

"Me neither," said Joe. "I mean, well, obviously not a wife, but I've never been anyone's husband."

"I knew what you meant, silly," Donna said, playfully punching him in the arm.

"Donna," Joe said. "I've gotta take the car.....I've gotta....get some stuff.....you know.......wow, you are just so beautiful.....I'm gonna be right back......I've just gotta get some stuff for tonight, you know...it's gonna be so special......wow!" He ran around looking for the keys, finding them on the kitchen table.

He turned and said, "Now, Donna.....hold that thought.......God, I love you SO much.....wow! I'm gonna be RIGHT BACK.....so, like....don't go anywhere.....okay?"

"Yes, Joe, I'm not going anywhere," she said, sitting down on the couch. "Go do whatever this thing is you gotta do, and then then get your ass back here. I'm ready to go to bed."

"Oh, Jesus.....just.......wait a minute.........I will be like 20 minutes......I'm serious! God, you are SO awesome....I just..."

"Joe, get the fuck out of here, and hurry up," Donna said.

Joe pointed at her. "Got ya!" he said, flashed a big, cheesy smile at her, and ran out the door.

Donna sat on the couch and clicked on the television. She grinned at the thought of her goofy, wacky, possibly clinically insane Joe.

Chapter 4

More Drama for Joe

Joe was on a mission as he sped down the street in Donna's little Escort. He was, you might say, a man with a plan. He stopped off at the local supermarket, purchasing a dozen roses, some candles, some liquor, and anything else he could think of that might relax and please Donna. He figured, the better of a mood she was in, the better this was going to work out for him. He wasn't sure whether she'd prefer champagne or mixed drinks. "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor," Joe thought, smiling. Tequila it was. He was getting ready to head out the door, when he noticed the pharmacy counter right next to the exit. An evil thought entered Joe's head, and he sauntered up to the man working there.

"Hey," he called out, and then looked around nervously. "You got any of that Viagra stuff?"

"Viagra?" the pharmacist asked. "What the hell do you need that for? What are you, boy, about 27? 28? And why the hell are you all painted up like that?"

"30," replied Joe. "And....I'm a mime."

"What the heck is that?" the man asked. "Is that like a queer or something?"

"NO!" Joe screamed. "I'm NOT a queer! It's just.....I just got married, and I wanted something...you know....to...make it better. You know....for...her."

The pharmacist motioned him up to the counter. "Listen, kid," he said. "You don't need no Viagra! Go in the bathroom and rub one out first. (this thought had occurred to Joe already) You'll be fine. Because you gotta have a prescription for that stuff, and it's expensive, and....just listen kiddo. I can't sell it to you over the counter like that."

"Really?" said Joe. "Are you sure? I've got like $100. You can have it all. You wouldn't have to tell anybody."

"No, " the man replied regretfully. "I can't. Like I said, you've gotta have a prescription. Sorry."

"That's too bad," said Joe.

Joe strolled back out to the car. He heard people screaming behind him, which wasn't a foreign sound to him. He tossed the bag of candles and romantic shit into the passenger seat, opened it up, and tossed an almost full bottle of Viagra into it. He took the scalpel he had used on the man in the store out and wiped the blood from it onto a kleenex, which he threw out the window, giggling. "Oh, shit," he thought. He pulled out a small clear bag which he had lifted off the pimp earlier in the day, and shook it, looking at the white powder inside. He looked at it carefully. He wasn't sure if it was cocaine or methamphetamine. He didn't really care...he preferred coke, but beggars can't be choosers. He dumped a small amount onto one of Donna's CD cases (Fleetwod Mac, the irony of which was not lost on him), smiling as he cut it into tiny pieces with his driver's license and formed it into small lines. He licked the card and his tongue felt numb. Coke. Good. He rolled up a dollar bill and quickly railed the powder up his nose, enjoying the feeling of numbness in his nostrils and upper lip. "Wow," Joe whispered, as a feeling of peace and euphoria enveloped him. "Good shit!" Smiling, he tied the little bag back into a knot and crammed it into a hole in the lining of his coat. Then, before anyone could arrive at the supermarket and cause any trouble for him, he sped back to Donna's.

Chapter 5

Joe Gets Laid, and Gets a Visitor

Joe lay in the bed with Donna napping beside him, her head on his arm, in the soft glow of the candles. He grinned an evil, drowsy grin. Damn, it had been a hell of a day.

She claimed to have been a virgin, but she was 23, and she seemed fairly knowledgeable about what she was doing. Plus, Joe thought, giggling a little, her 'Ouch' hadn't been all that convincing. He didn't really care, although the idea kind of annoyed him, as she hadn't been willing with HIM before. Oh, well.

It had been a first for Joe, in a way. He certainly wasn't a virgin, it was just....he had never had sex where the woman wasn't screaming and trying to get out from underneath him. Not that it wasn't fun like that. Seriously. That was a blast. It was just......this had been different. It was so much easier with the woman being up for it. He didn't have to try to hurry, and he could focus more on how things felt...for both of them. He had wanted to please Donna, and from the sounds she was making while they were going at it, as well as her cute little sex faces, it certainly seemed like she was pleased. (He credited this to the Cosmo magazine he had read, while lying on Donna's couch one day, sick with the flu, while she was away at school. "Your G spot....It's REAL", the article had stated. Apparently, they knew what they were talking about.)

But it was strange. Joe had actually felt something besides lust while he was having sex with her. He didn't know what it was, but something about when she looked deep into his eyes.....he didn't know. It just kind of stirred a feeling in him. A feeling in the pit of his stomach.....he didn't understand it. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not. In a way, he did. In a way, he didn't. Ah, well. While they were making love (for hours, by the way...thanks, Viagra!), she had whispered to him sweet nothings; that she loved him, that she needed him....and he had reassured her that he loved her, too. He had wanted to make some sort of lovey comments to her, but he couldn't think of what to say. He tried to think of a romantic movie. As he was kissing her neck, running his hands around in her hair, he moaned, "You had me at hello." Donna promptly started giggling, and Joe, irritated, had said, "What?" "Nothing," Donna breathed. "You are just so silly." Joe was baffled. He thought that had sounded really romantic. He searched his brain for another bright comment. "You complete me," he whispered into her ear. She seemed to like that, judging by the response he got. God, he loved that line. Joe didn't know what to think about the whole deal. He hadn't really thought it out that far in advance.

Joe yawned. He was sleepy. And it was so nice and warm here, with Donna laying on him like she was. But he was kind of hungry (thanks, 3 hour long sex-a-thon!). And he had noticed a lemon meringue pie sitting on the counter...his favorite....and no doubt, it had been prepared with him in mind. He thought he ought to have a piece of that pie, maybe two. But it was so warm and cozy here. But the pie....and he kind of had to pee. He hated to move and possibly wake her up, yet the pie called out to him. He was suddenly starving. Okay, he tried to scoot out from underneath her without waking her up. And then, he heard it. From outside. Someone screaming, furious!

"Joker! Joker! I KNOW you're in there!"

"Fuck ME!" thought Joe. He got up and got dressed.

Chapter 6

Joe Has Company

Joe went outside and crossed the street to a small church cemetary, where he saw the source of all the screaming and commotion. Fucking Batman, just as he'd thought. Here to piss on his parade, like normal.

"WHAT?" screamed Joe. "What is your fucking malfunction?"

"What?????" cried Batman. "What?????? You KNOW damn good and well what! You've been up to no good, and you know it! There was a call that someone dressed up like the fucking Crow had been in a grocery store, and killed a guy, and it had you written all over it!"

"That wasn't me," said Joe. "I was here all night."

"Then what the fuck is this?" asked Batman. "This was left at the scene of the crime." He held up a Joker playing card. "Plus who the hell else dresses up like you?"

"That's a set up!" cried Joe. "I'm SERIOUS!"

"They have you on videotape," replied Batman. "I can tell it's you."

"How?" asked Joe. "That could be anyone!"

"Because, stupid! You got up on the counter, got up in front of the camera, flipped it off, mouthed, "This is the Joker, and I just killed a guy!" and then did a little dance before you ran out!"

"Oh," said Joe. "That was probably not really that smart. In retrospect."

"It was probably retarded! And what is up with you getting MARRIED?" asked Batman. "I mean, I heard about it earlier, and I was thinking, what the hell is up with that!?!"

"How'd you hear about that?" asked Joe, innocently.

"I'm dating JACKIE, stupid!"

"Oh," said Joe. He thought about the ways he could possibly make Jackie pay.

"Joe????? Joe???? What are you DOING? Who is over there, Joe?" It was Donna, calling from across the street. She began to walk toward them, tying her robe on tighter.

"I swear to God, you had better keep your fucking mouth SHUT," Joe snarled at Batman.

"I'm cool," Batman replied.

Chapter 7

Donna Finds Out Joe's Secret, and Kicks Some Ass; Crazy Psychedelic Shit Happens

Donna strode across the street to where her husband and the other man were standing. As she got closer, she saw the guy was dressed up like a bat.

"Go back in, sweetie," Joe called. "I'll be there in a second."

Donna continued to approach them. "Shit," said Joe.

"Pumpkin? Sweetie pie? Are you mad? Aw, why so serious?"

"That is getting really old," Batman stated. "I am really getting tired of hearing that."

Joe looked at Batman and pretended to scratch his eye with his middle finger. Batman grinned.

Soon, they were all standing in the small cemetary. Donna narrowed her eyes and looked at the strange man. "Are you........Batman?" she finally asked. Joe began smacking his head into a tree.

"Yes," Batman replied, looking at the ground, and then back up to meet her gaze.

"Well, what do you want?" Donna asked.

"My fight is not with you," Batman said quietly, in a raspy voice. "It is with the Joker."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Donna asked. "Joe, WHAT is going on?"

"I can explain," said Joe.

"Whom, you are married to," Batman continued.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!" screamed Joe. "I told you to let ME handle this!"

"He killed someone tonight," Batman said.

"That's impossible!" Donna replied. He's been with me all night!"

"Awww yeah!" Joe grinned. "ALL NIGHT LONG, baby!" He pretended to hump a tombstone, rolling his eyes back in his head and sticking his tongue out the side of his mouth. Batman giggled. This was enough encouragement to get Joe really going. "It was SHAG-A-DELIC, Bay-bay!" he howled, in an Austin Powers impression that was actually quite good.

"Joe, shut up!" cried Donna. He did, although he kept smiling. Like he had a choice.

"It was earlier," Batman said quietly. "He went in a store and killed a guy! It was like 4 hours ago. They have him on tape."

"What the hell are you....Joe, is this TRUE?" Donna asked, her eyes blazing with rage.

Joe shrugged. "I dunno," he said. "I think it's like a setup or something."

"Jesus, Joe! I can't take any more crazy bullshit tonight!" Donna screamed. "What is the DEAL with you? You have been acting like an idiot all night!"

"I was nervous," replied Joe. "I think I'm going to throw up."

Suddenly, they heard a noise from behind one of the tombstones. They all turned around and looked. It was Jack Nicholson, apparently reenacting his role from "The Shining"!

Jack walked toward them, dragging one foot. "Here's Johnny!" he yelled waving an ax.

"You have GOT to be shitting me," Donna exclaimed. "I've already said, I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE CRAZY SHIT TONIGHT!"

Donna pulled a flamethrower out, apparently from her ass, and shot Jack Nicholson with a stream of fire. He instantly burst into flame, and began running around screaming.

Batman and Joe started laughing hysterically. "Stop, drop, and roll, bitch!" Joe yelled. Donna glared at them. They shut up instantly and looked at the ground.

"Now, as I was saying....," Donna began, when they heard another noise. They turned to see Clint Eastwood striding purposefully toward them, a pistol in each hand.

Joe immediately pulled a pencil out of his coat and threw it at Clint as hard as he could. The pencil penetrated Clint's eye, went through his head, wrapped around like a boomerang, and returned to Joe.

Clint fell to the ground.

"Good pencil," Joe replied. He blew it as though it was smoking, and shoved it back in his pocket.

"Jesus Christ," said Batman, giving Joe a high five. "You don't mess with the Zohan," replied Joe, and then fell on the ground in a fit of laughter. "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I can't breathe!"

"Does anyone else wanna go?!?!?" Batman screamed. "You wanna go??? You wanna go?"

Eric Cartman stood up from behind another tombstone. He looked at the two dead men lying on the ground, and then back at Batman, Joker, and Donna.. "Screw you guys, I'm going HOME," he announced, and waddled off.

Batman, Joker, and Donna glanced at each other. Donna folded her arms across her chest. The other two started giggling again. "Can I get a little peace and quiet so I can try to process all this?" Donna yelled at them. "Is that asking too much?"

"I'll be quiet," said Joe, looking at the ground. "I'll be peace," said Batman, flashing a peace sign at her. Joe started giggling again.

"Un-fucking-believable!" she cried, and strode off toward her apartment. Joker turned around, gave Batman an evil glare, and mouthed "Thanks a lot!" at him. He tried to chase after her, talking to her, but she shoved him away. He followed her inside looking like a whipped puppy. Batman smiled. "No more ass for YOU tonight," he laughed. "Maybe not for a few nights."

Chapter 8

The Boys Piss Off the Girls

Donna paced back and forth in the small apartment, smoking a cigarette. She was furious with Joe, herself, and the whole situation. What had she gotten herself into?

"Baby, I can explain," Joe said, giving her a sheepish grin.

"Don't BABY me!" Donna yelled. "What the FUCK, Joe?"

"That guy just doesn't like me," said Joe. "Most of that was just a lie. I think that guy's crazy, mostly."

"You know what, Joe? Or whatever the hell you are? Joker? I don't wanna talk about it any more! Your ass is sleeping on the couch!"

"So, you probably don't wanna fuck again?" questioned Joe. "Cause I thought maybe that would be kinda fun, you know? Like a stress reliever."

"NO, JOE!" Donna screamed. "NO, I DON'T!" She threw a pillow and blanket at him. "Your ass is on the couch tonight!"

"Well, I was just asking," said Joe. "Jeez. If it's because you have a headache, I have some Tylenol." He smiled at her hopefully.

"No, Joe! I don't have a headache! I will talk to you tomorrow! Leave me alone!" Donna went into the bedroom and slammed the door.

"Are we having a marital spat?" Joe called out to her. She didn't respond.

Joe sat on the couch, eating his pie straight from the pan, and pouted. "You will pay, for this, Batman!" he vowed. Billy Mays was on TV. Joe flipped him off. The pie was absolutely heavenly. He planned on eating the whole thing.

Batman headed back to the batcave. He was driving his Ferrari, so it didn't really take very long to get back. Plus, since the Ferrari was also a jet, he was able to fly part of the way, thus avoiding traffic. When he returned, Jackie Burkhart, his girlfriend, was waiting for him.

"So, what's going on?" asked Jackie. "I heard there was a robbery at a supermarket and a guy got killed. Was it the mafia?"

"No," said Batman, removing his suit. "It was the Joker."

"Oh, seriously?" said Jackie. "For real? What did he want?"

"He robbed the pharmacy," replied Bruce.

"So what did he take? Pain pills or something?" Jackie asked.

"No," sighed Bruce. "Viagra."

"Why the hell would he do that?" Jackie asked. Bruce pulled out the videotape and stuck it into the player. Instantly, images of the Joker knifing the man, going through the pharmacy, and leaving his card there played on the huge televisions around the room.

"Oh, my God!" cried Jackie. "That's Donna's husband!"

"I know," said Bruce.

"Well, my God, why would he DO that?" Jackie asked. "Bruce, I had met him before, and he was really nice! I mean, he was kind of shy, but I guess he's like an artist or something."

"Apparently, he was in there getting candles and a bunch of romantic shit, so I guess he was planning up a sexy time."

"So it was because he LOVED her?" Jackie squealed. "He wanted to SATISFY her?"

"Well, sort of, I guess.....I don't know," Bruce replied.

"That is SO ROMANTIC!" Jackie screamed.

"I don't think you're seeing the whole picture here," Bruce said.

"Oh my God, Bruce!" Jackie went up to him and put her head on his chest. "Would you ever kill anyone for me?"

"What....NO, Jackie! What the hell are you talking about?" Bruce asked. "You know the Batman doesn't kill!"

"Well, would you? Like if you had to? Like, if a guy was going to kill me, and the only way you could save me was to kill him?"

"I suppose....it's just.....I don't know, Jackie! Why are we talking about this?"

"Because you don't show any PASSION for me, Bruce! You would never kill anyone for me!" Jackie began to sob. Bruce wondered if she might be insane.

"Why are we fighting?" Bruce asked, baffled.

"I don't know," cried Jackie. "I guess I'm just jealous of what Donna and Joe..I mean, Joker...have."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Bruce replied.

Jackie stormed off in tears into Bruce's bedroom. The next thing he knew, she had tossed a pillow and a blanket out into the other room. "I can't sleep with you tonight, Bruce," Jackie sobbed. "I don't feel loved." She slammed the door.

"But this is my house," Bruce protested. "Dammit!" he thought.

"You know, you're as crazy as he is!" Bruce hollered after her. "You guys are two peas in a pod!"

Jackie didn't respond. "I'm going to the bar!" Bruce yelled. No response. Bruce sighed, went into the kitchen, and grabbed a pint of Ben & Jerry's. He plopped down on the sofa, and flicked on the television. He wasn't going anywhere. He took a bite of ice cream. Cherry Garcia. My God. It was exquisite. Billy Mays was on tv. Bruce flipped him off.

Ok...thank you to anyone who was brave enough to read this utterly insane story. I'm not sure where I am going to go with it next. I think this fabulous four-some needs to have some adventures together, but I'm not sure what yet.

Anyway....honest opinions.....it's supposed to be funny....I really hope someone likes it. It was fun as hell to make up.

To be continued, maybe....:) if anyone deems it worthy!