I wrote this story ages ago but never had the gut to publish it. After reviewing it for the nth time here it is. Hopefully you'll enjoy it. Thanks to Ebba (uselesswriter23) for reading it first and giving me the push to publish it (also the main idea was hers) so thanks :)
He found her crying, again. For the last couple of days it seemed as if that was all she ever did. She tried to hide it, she tried her absolute best but even the quietest sob was heard by the man she loved.
He knew better than to ask what was wrong, he had a knack of knowing when to back off, so he gave her time. That's all he could do besides holding her tight at night and running a gentle hand across her dark hair.
Eventually, he hoped, she would say something and then he would do anything in his power to make the pain go away. For her to be happy, again.
He feared that all the battles they'd fought were finally taking a toll on her. It made complete sense, she was tired and who was he kidding so was he. Maybe she realized that those mythical days post-war were so far away from their reach.
Did she regret the choices she's made in order to get where they are? She was all he ever needed to be happy, but what if that wasn't enough for her? He decided not to torture himself with these thoughts anymore. He knew Nikita, he knew she loved him. They trusted each other too much to let something come between them without talking about it.
The pressure on her chest just wouldn't go away. Day and night it would torture her; a constant reminder of what she'd lost.
How can you miss something you've never had? She thought and without notice a lump had already risen to her throat. She couldn't control it and that frustrated her to no end. Nothing could be done, but somehow she couldn't move forward. She couldn't stop the tears from falling.
She had been frozen since the moment she realized what had happen, the world kept spinning but she was still waiting for the sun to turn dark. Then she thought of him, her Michael, she was being so selfish. It was unfair to him. The permanent worried look on his face and the unspoken question that he was too scared to ask made her feel even more miserable. She appreciated his silence though, she needed that silence and unconditional support.
'Enough!' She scolded herself. It was time to be honest, even if the truth hurts more than the lie.
Her voice was so soft when she spoke that for a moment he doubted words had even left her mouth.
He was speechless, numb. A second later the truth knocked him out cold and for an instant an image of a child with his eyes and her full lips crossed his mind. His hands began to sweat and a shiver ran down his spine. He opened his mouth to say something but decided against it when he felt a lump settle on his throat.
He looked into her eyes and there was so much pain in them it was unbearable for him. That's when he realized how hard this was specially for her and without a second thought he pulled her close to his embrace.
She let out a breath she hadn't realized was holding and a small whimper escaped her lips. For the first time in so long she felt his chest loosen a little.
He held her tight cradling her head with a tender hand. Giving her all she wanted while getting all he needed. He could only get himself to whisper "We're okay, we're okay, it's okay". Her tense body relaxed in his hold and her breath evened. This was all she could ever ask for after days of anguish.
With her head on his outstretched arm she could feel the slow rise and fall of his chest. It was soothing and reassuring.
She didn't know how scared she was of his reaction until she was about to tell him.
Now, having him by her side and knowing that he still loves her is all that's important.
They did have to talk about it though, eventually. But, what could she say? I'm sorry I couldn't take care of our child? or, I wasn't even sure I wanted it? No, she couldn't say that. So she chose the temporary easy way out, silence.
He was running a comforting hand up and down her arm. Reflecting on the best way to address the situation. He had to say something, this couldn't become a barrier between the two, he wouldn't allow it. When his reasoning wouldn't give him a good place to start he decided that he was going to let his heart do the talking
"Hon, I know we've always had a sort of silent agreement over this, uhm... topic." He half whispered, a bit hesitant as to what to say next.
"I mean, the life we are living is not exactly an easy one or a kid friendly one for that matter." He sighed and fixed his eyes on a random spot on the ceiling. This was most certainly not easy.
"I'd be lying to you if I told you I've never picture a little girl sneaking into our room in the middle of the night or a young boy playing catch with me." Nikita closed her eyes tightly forcing those images out of her head.
"...but believe me, those thoughts leave as soon as they come." He continued to talk with all the honesty his voice could gather.
"I would never want something that you don't. I am completely happy with you just the way things are. Just like I would certainly be happy if there were to be a new addition to our own little family." Unconsciously his hand tighten around her waist.
"One thing has to be constant though, you have to be there and be happy with me." His arms tightened infinitesimally before turning slightly to face her. Her eyes were glassy and uncertain but there was a hidden hope in them.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is, whatever you choose to do I'll support you and respect your decision. But you have to talk to me sweetie. There's two of us in this relationship, you shouldn't have gone through this alone. I love you so much, you do understand that right?."
A small smile graced her features before reaching up and closing that tiny space that kept their lips apart. Kissing him lightly she assured him that she knew. It was a small gesture that was worth a thousand words.
A quiet 'thank you' was all she muttered against his lips before placing her head on his chest again. The slow thump in his chest was taking her to the land of dreams, but before succumbing to exhaustion she managed to blurt out some last few words that she knew couldn't be said at any other time.
"Could I be a decent mom? Do I really deserve a little angel to take care of?" Her eyes were closed and her voice sleepy and soft.
She felt the chuckle in her cheek more than she heard it. A hand wound through her dark hair and lips met her forehead before his voice was heard again.
"You would be the greatest mom to ever exist." He enunciated every word carefully and truthfully.
"I know you. I know that you would love that child more than life itself. If you can't recall, you have a pretty good record of giving everything you have to those you love. Hell, I'm a living proof of it. Now that I come to think it, I must have done something right in this lifetime to have you here in my arms."
She smiled, a true smile that met her eyes.
There it was, her playful Michael again. Always making her feel better even when she thinks its next to impossible. He would never let her fall. And even though she can still feel that hole in her chest burning, she's beginning to feel how it's slowly extinguishing.
She was going to be okay, they were going to be okay.
If that little girl ever came along she would love her to pieces. She would be the new light in their path, their little miracle.
But, if she never arrived... well she already had the brightest light she could ever ask for.
With that last thought she turned around and settled closer to him. She brought his hand to her lips and gently kissed it before placing it again on her stomach, maybe unconsciously or not so much. She took a deep breath and for the first time in days she gave into a dreamless and untroubled slumber.
Well there you have it. I know I know, another story about family and fluffiness. Kinda sweet. Truth is I've never been good at writing angst or action. Maybe some day.
Be sure to let me know if you enjoyed it or if you hated it on the reviews. Only way to bring myself to write again.
Love,
Adriana.