This is a oneshot about what Emmett does when he gets bored, inspired from the story 51 Things Emmett Cullen Must Remember, by the indifferent child of earth. If you haven't read it yet, go check it out! It's the funniest story I've read in ages!
I sighed, staring singlemindedly at the screen, mechanically pointing my gun at the various aliens threatening my virtual hero. If only Alice hadn't taken Rose on a shopping trip in New York. I was bored out of my mind.
I huffed and hurled my controller at the screen. It hit with a loud crack and fell to the floor. I ran upstairs as fast as I could, barging into Carlisle's study. He looked up wearily. "What do you need, Emmett?" he asked with a trace of annoyance.
"I'm bored," I moaned. Carlisle dropped his head into his hands.
"I can't entertain you right now, Emmett. Go find something to do. Anything. But I need to figure out this case!"
I slouched out of the room, examining things for their fun value. Since I had my eye on Carlisle's large crucifix, wondering what would happen if I held it hostage, I didn't see the large book lying on the ground. I tripped over it and fell on my face, letting loose a string of profanities. I looked just like Bella!
Picking myself up off the floor, I grabbed the novel that had caused my fall. A boy in black robes was waving a wand at a threatening shape. Sharp, spiky lettering caught my eye: Harry Potter.
I grinned as a plan began to form in my mind, thankful that Edward wasn't here and Alice was in New York. They would have tried to stop me for sure.
Some people just don't know brilliance.
My mind racing, I hurtled downstairs. Carlisle had said anything…
"Emmett!" Jasper yelled, making me stop in my tracks. "What are you doing that has you so excited?" His voice was very suspicious. He knew me too well.
"Nothing, dear brother," I yelled back merrily. "I am beating Halo 3."
"Oooookay….." Jasper said, not entirely appeased, but willing to accept my lie. I continued my race for the outdoors and leaped into my Jeep, gunning the engine.
My first stop was the costume shop. Thank goodness it was almost Halloween! Quickly I selected a big black robe and round glasses. Then I picked out my wand, and for the final touch, some scar makeup. I raced home with my loot and quickly changed, until a very large Harry Potter stood staring at me in the mirror.
My cell phone rang. I flipped it open, releasing a cacophony of sound. "EMMETT CULLEN!" Alice shrieked, sounding panicked. "DON'T YOU DARE! YOU LEAVE THOSE POOR FOURTH GRADERS ALONE! I SWEAR—" I shut her off with a snap of my wrist, closing my phone. Grinning evilly, I ran outside just as Jasper yelled, "Oh, shit! Emmett!"
I jumped into my Jeep and roared away. It was three o'clock, just about the time little children were getting out of school. I positioned myself at an inviting looking playground and waited.
Ten minutes later, three young boys ran onto the playground, yelling and waving sticks. I smiled. This would be too easy….
"Expelliarmus!" I yelled, pointing my fake wand at one of the boys. Then I raced over at vampire speed, tore his wand out of his hand, and threw it far away before racing back to my original position. The whole thing took less than a second.
"Whoa!" the boys hsouted. "How did you do that?"
"Hi," I said, smiling. "My name is Harry Potter. What are your names?"
"Are you really Harry Potter?" One boy asked suspiciously. Once again, I yelled, "Expelliarmus!" and repeated my trick. The boys were amazed.
"Wow!"
"He's real!"
"I told you so!"
The boys were jumping up and down with excitement. I laughed to myself. Fourth graders were so gullible!
"Why are you here?" one of the boys asked. A new plan began to form in my mind.
"Yeah! Why is Harry Potter in Washington?" another one asked.
"Where are you going?" the third one asked. It was the question I had been waiting for.
I stared at them with a fake look of horror. "You're some of them, aren't you?" I asked in as terrified a voice as I could muster. The boys looked confused.
"Huh?" the first one asked.
"Uh-oh. He's flipping out," whispered the shortest one.
"It's an act! It's all an act!" I screamed frantically. A woman walking towards the park looked alarmed and started walking faster. "Why can't you just leave me alone? I defeated him, it's over, done! Stop following me!"
The boys were now looking a little scared and the woman was sprinting as fast as she could toward us.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?" I ranted, waving my wand around. "Your precious Voldemort is not coming back, so don't follow me! And making fourth graders do your dirty work is just sick!" I yelled at the sky, as though somebody up there were listening to me.
The running woman reached us, panting for breath. "Rory, Cody, John, get away from that man!" she screeched. "He's crazy!"
"Nuh-uh!" the boys protested loudly. "He's Harry Potter!"
The woman glared at me witheringly. "No, he isn't. He's just a sick, sick man who tells lies to children. Next thing you know, he'll be telling you he's a vampire!"
My mouth twitched with humor—she had no idea. "How?" I yelled. "How do you know?"
Now all four were gaping at me. "Harry Potter's a vampire?" muttered one of the boys. "Cool."
"Get away from these boys!" the woman yelped. "And get yourself some help!" She grabbed the arm of the brown haired boy and dragged him away, along with the other to, ignoring their protests. I remained on the playground, chuckling, until my cell rang again.
"EMMETT CULLEN!" Rose screeched at me, and I gulped. Rose angry at me was the one thing I feared, and the tone in her voice meant she was pissed—very pissed. "THAT WAS THE MOST BRILLIANT JOKE YOU HAVE EVER PLAYED!"
Sorry if it's not very funny…I've never written just for laughs before, but this one I couldn't resist Review and tell me how I did!