Me: So I haven't actually written anything in awhile so I thought it was about time I started again! So welcome to the weirdest story you will ever read!
Harry: Is she joking? She better be bloody well joking!
Edward: You know what the sad part is? She's not.
Batman: Hi :)
Me: How the hell did you people get into my house!?

Part one

Hi! My name is Cassie and I shall be your narrator for this strange story. So let us begin......

Harry Potter

Once apon a time in a far away land called England, there were many strange things going on. For one, there was this huge castle that kept turning into an old broken down electric plant when you got close I mean what's up with that!? But I digress.

Anyway in this castle there was a very special boy sitting at a very long table with his many friends.

"So Harry, I think you should die your hair blond." Stated Ronald Wheasly conversationally as he chewed his breakfast. Harry gasped dropping his fork and stood up quickly.

"But then I'd look like that son of a bitch!" He yelled pointing over at Draco Malfoy who was eating everything at the slytherin table.

"Yeah, but at least you would look cooler." Ron shrugged continuing to eat not really caring that Harry had just run from the room crying. "You agree right Hermione?"

Hermione looked up at him and shrugged. "Look I have a very busy day of pissing off snape so shit your trap ron!" she hissed and then stormed off with what looked like a chicked head in her hands.

"Oookay. Well she's insane." Ron stated and then went bak to eating. Meanwhile at the other end of the gryfinndore table nearly headless nick was trying to eat some chicken and failing misearably.

"Why the bloody hell can't I eat!" He suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs causing the whole great hall to go dead quiet and stare at him. The bloodly baron walked up behind him and said in a low voice..

"You are a ghost you right foul git."

And with that both ghosts started to try and kill each other even though they were already dead.

Harry, who had just finished crying was now looking for Hermione. Ron suddenly appearing out of thin air grabbed his shoulder and Harry screamed in a very high girlish way.

"Shut your trap Harry it's me you git!" Ron hissed covering Harry's mouth with a dirty sock, and to rons great shock Harry started to suck on the sock like a soother. "Well come on then. Let's find hermione."

Harry, still sucking on the sock, followed ron willingly as they set off towards the dungeons. All the dungeons windows were open allowing the light to stream in and in the distance the could have sweared that they heard a low voice singing. Ron, dragging Harry behind him, threw open the potions classroom door and kicked Harry in before closing the door behind them. Harry sat on the floor quietly still sucking on his sock.

Suddenly a deadly cackle reached their ears. Hermione grinned at them and then pointed out the window where they could easily see Snape standing on the balcony singing 'sunshine lollipops, and rainbows, everything that's wonderfull is what I feel when we're together!' at the top of his lungs. A lot of students were in the grounds laughing at him at this point.

Hermione what the bloddy hell is going on!?" Ron shouted running over to the window. Hermione cackled and snatched the sock away from harry making his eyes water.

"I put Snape under the imperius curse, but he knows exactly what's going on! Briliant isn't it!"

"Amazing!" Ron gasped. "Let me have a go!"

"No way!" Hermione growled, but then she smirked. Suddenly Snape took a step forward towards the edge of the balcony.

"Hermione don't!" Ron shouted, just as she thrust the wand into his hands and the curse lifted. Snape turned around with a glare and then Harry and Ron noticed that he seemed to have a chicken head magically glued to his nose.

"Wheasly! Detention for the rest of the week!" Snapem growled. He stalked over to them and glared at them for a second before he realized Harry was crying. "Oh dear. What's wrong Potter?" He asked kindly.

"Hermione stole my sock." Harry whimpered looking at the dirty sock hermione still clutched in her hand. Snape grabbed it roughly and handed it to Harry gently smiling a strange smile.

"There you are. You know your mother Lilly used to suck on socks as well." He laughed. An odd sound to come from Snape but Harry didn't care as he was too busy chewing on the dirty sock. "Now then wheasly. For your detention,you will have to tie yourself to a tree and allow Mr Potter here to use whatever spell or potion he wants on you. Won't that be fun Harry?"

"Oh yes!" Harry nodded happily while ron sulked. Hermione however was now smashing everyhting she could get her hands on.

A few hours later Ron was tied up to one of the many trees around the giant castle and Snape, Harry and Hermione were bringing down many bottles of potion. Harry grabbed a small bottle of truth telling potion (sorry I suck at spelling so I'l just make it my own!) and tried to shove the bottle down ron's throat. Ron gagged how ever so only the potion went in.

"Okay everyone ask him a question!" Snape barked at the students that had just magically apeared.

"Are you really Ron?" Someone shouted. Ron nodded. "Which teacher do you most fancy?" Shouted Fred.

"Flitwick." Ron answered. Harry muttered something but no one heard what it was.

"Are you gay?" Someone else shouted.

"No, but I wish I was." Ron sighed. Harry choked and suddenly a frog appeared on the ground at his feet.

"Cool." he said before grabbing another potion and shoving it down rons throat. This time it was the strongest love potion in the world. Ron's potion didn't have any DNA in it though so he just drooled over everyone there.

"This is boring." Harry finally sighed after giving ron 49 different potions. He turned to snape. 'Can I see your arm?"

Right away Snape gave Harry his arm and Harry pulled the sleeve up. He pressed the tip of his wand to the dark mark and a few seconds later Voldemort was standing in front of them.

"You called?" He asked in a cheery voice smiling at all the waving and cheering students.

"Yay Voldy's here!" Fred and George yelled sprinting forwards to give him a hug. Voldemort laughed at them and they fell on the ground writhing in pain. A few seconds later they got up and the students began to laugh and cheer for Voldemort who gave a bow.

"Voldemort my old friend!" Called Dumbledore as he strode through the crowds with his arms open.

"Good to see you again Albus!" Voldemort grinned and they shook hands. "I believe someone called me here."

"I did!" Harry yelled running up to Voldemort. "Can you just kill me so these books will end? I mean we look pathetic!"

Voldemort just stared at Harry befoer he grabbed him and hugged him. "So good to see you again Harry! How's Sirius? I have heard he's been doing well.."

"Ask himself you old goat!" Sirius called. He was sitting on top of a cloud blowing bubbles that buckbeak was chasing. Voldemort ignored him when suddenly Lupin and Mad eye Moody showed up.

"Ah Voldy's here! We should have a party!" Lupin greeted. Mad eye moody just stared at a wall blankly that was for some reason right in front of him though they were no where near the castle. The whole school cheered and suddenly a disco ball desened from the sky and they all began to dance even though there was no music playing. Then Cedric showed up and stared at them all for a few minutes before screaming in a very high girly voice.

"VOLDEMORT RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" and then he ran and fell off a cliff to his death. Again. Everyone stopped for a minute, laughed and then began to dance again. Ron, who somehow managed to untie himself from the tree stood up and yelled

"We've got no bloody music!"

"Of course you do Ronald." Miley Cyrus said appearing out of thin air but there was a sudden flash of green light and she fell to the ground lifeless. Everyone turned to look at Voldemort but he shrugged his shoulders and pointed at Harry who still had his wand pointing at her dead body.

"Sorry, but I don't like her very much."

Everyone laughed, and then suddenly Simple Plan appeared.

"Will we work!" They called to Harry who gave them the thumbs up, and then Shut Up began to play.

Suddenly Harry realized that this was not the way the book was supposed to be. Wasn't he supposed to be sane at least? Voldemort looked down at Harry.

"What's the matter?" He asked placing a cold boney hand on the boy's shoulder. Harry didn't answer. He just pointed his wand at his head and said 'Alakazam' before falling limp to the ground. Voldemort screamed. "Ahhhhhh! Harry, Harry No why the bloody hell did you have to die! My only equal!"

Harry lifted his head. "I won't be dead for another minute. What do you want to say?"

"Where did you get that scar? I want one!" Voldemort grinned but Harry had already fallen down limp. "No harry why did you have to die! My only equal!" And then voldemort pointed his wand at himself and said Aveda Kedevra (probably speeled wrong) and he died.

Fred and George screamed. "No not voldy!" and they too pointed their wands at each other and yelled Aveda Kedevra! Dumbledore screamed.

"Not Fred and George. They were the only funs things at this place." and he too killed himself. After an hour the whole school had killed themself to be with the others that had just died.

Harry yawned and stood up. "That nap was refreshing! Now I remember I have to kill Voldermort!" Harry pulled out his wand and turned only to see Voldemort and the rest of the school on the ground dead. "That was easy!" Harry grinned and then started to skip towards the school. "Tra la la la la!"

Me: Now I know what you are thinking....
Edward: Of course yo do I just told you-
Me: Shut yor trap! Any way I know yall are thinking that I hate Harry Potter, but I actually adore it!
Harry: She's not kidding. I've been trapped here for months and she still won't let me go until I tell her where Hogwarts is or agree to marry her!
Me: Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Right Harry?
Harry: -leaning away from her even though he is tied up- uh, help
Batman: Hi :)
Me: How the hell do you keep getting past Alice!