Ron's Thriller Night
Previously on Potter Puppet Pals:
DUMBLEDORE: Ken is such a man. I'd do all I can
RON: Just to do him.
BOTH: We just wanna screw him!
SNAPE: This is so wrong, on so many levels!
HARRY: Well, that would be weird if he was. It would be like Michael Jackson's grandfather running a school full of magical children. But he was still looking at Ron's ... package ... awfully seductively.
RON: Ooooh, he wants - uh, I mean, um, ewwwwwwwww, that's disgusting.
DUMBLEDORE- Mr. Weasly, can I see you in my office please. I need to speak with you privately.
RON: YAY! He wants me! I mean, um, he wants to, um, talk to me, uh, about my, um, magic stuff. Okay then, bye.
SNAPE: I'm listening in on the gay converation but I hear a 3rd voice. It's not as high as Ron's but it still sounds gay. (opens door) Who else is in here?
RON: Just Mechial Josackn.
HARRY, HERMOINE AND SNAPE: Oh my God!
HARRY: OK, no need to panic. I'm 13, I'm safe.
MJ: What are you talking about? My age limit is 17.
HARRY: Oh, I'm going to run away now.
MJ: Relax, I'm not here to go boy scouting. I'm just here to see Grandpa.
HARRY: Wait a minute, I was right again, you owe me 10 sickles.
BACK TO PRESENT TIME
HARRY: I can't defuse the bomb!!
HERMIONE: What bomb?
HARRY: The bomb that Voldemort set in this classroom!
HERMIONE: There is no bomb. You were just asleep again.
HARRY: Oh. Well, that means you're gay.
HERMIONE: What?
HARRY: Yeah. Go play with your gay friend Ron.
HERMIONE: If I were gay, why would I want to play with Ron?
HARRY: Good point. Oh, then I guess you're not gay. But you're still weird.
HERMIONE: Okaaaaaayyyyy...
RON: I'm gay!
HARRY: Yes, we know that.
RON: I didn't rhyme with Hermione! Anyway, I'm sad that my Dumblycakes hasn't touched me since he came from emoness.
HARRY: Let's take a survey of who cares. (stands up) Who cares?
SNAPE: Please sit down, Mr. Potter.
NEVILLE: I kind of care.
HARRY: That means you're allergic to butterflies.
NEVILLE: No! They're so pretty! (cries)
SNAPE: Stop interrupting my class, Mr. Potter! 9 million points from Gryffindor! And 2 from Neville because I don't like him. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, the healing properties of wormwood.
RON: Honestly, more people care about this than my sad problems with Dumblycakes?
EVERYONE: Yes!
HERMIONE: We're actually being tested on this, so of course we care!
SNAPE: Pop quiz, everyone.
RON: No, I'm too sad.
SNAPE: I don't care! I'm sad all the time! You don't hear me crying.
HARRY: Actually we do. In the dungeons, late at night.
SNAPE: Damn!
RON'S THOUGHTS: I don't know anything as usual, so I'm probably gonna fail this quiz anyway, and this question is so hard. It's asking me what the color of Snape's hair is.
HERMIONE: Professor, is there any reason to be asking this?
SNAPE: Because I'm bored, and I hate children.
RON'S THOUGHTS: At least he gave me a hint. 'It's black, retard.' That didn't help at all! I'll just write down my problems.
RON: What's that voice in my head? I'm scared!
RON'S THOUGHTS: I can write about the voice in my head too. Okay, I'm probably going to fail anyway, so I'm just going to write my problems, hoping you'll feel sorry for me and give me an F+. I'm just sad that Dumbly doesn't want to do anything gay with me anymore. We used to be such good boyfriends. And then he turned into an emo when you were on crack. Oh, and for some reason, Harry doesn't want me to tell you about how stupid you were when you were on crack, instead of antidepressants, which I thought was really funny. Anyway, even when he changed back into the regular gay guy, he won't do anything gay with me. It makes me sad. So sad that I'm telling you this when you'd be the last person to care. Me talk pretty one day. (turns in test)
NEXT DAY
SNAPE: (hands test back to Ron) I gave you a Z. Not only did you not answer an incredibly easy question in which I gave you the answer, but you wrote a bunch of stuff I don't care about and you spelled your name wrong.
RON: No, I didn't. I spelled it exactly the way I'm supposed to.
SNAPE: Spell it for the whole class, then.
HARRY: I'm getting my camcorder and putting this on YouTube.
RON: Fine, I will. (Harry takes out camcorder) R-O-O-N-I-L W-A-Z-L-I-B.
SNAPE: That doesn't even spell a name, much less yours.
RON: Oh well, my bad.
AFTER CLASS
RON: I wish there was a gay guy who would understand my pain.
MJ: Hey, little boy.
HARRY: Mechial Josackn! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
RON: Why doesn't your grandpa want to be gay with me?
MJ: How should I know? Just come to my house and play!
RON: Why?
MJ: I really want to play at my house. Why don't you ever wanna play at my house.
RON: You're not going to rape me, are you?
MJ: Possibly.
RON: YAY!! Wait, you can have sex with somebody else when you're in a relationship with somebody else, right?
MJ: Uh, sure. Why not?
RON: YAY!
HARRY: That's so highly disturbing I'm not even gonna comment
HERMIONE: You just did.
HARRY: Curse you! All right, Ron, make sure that when you get back, don't describe your adventures in excruciating detail, cuz that would be really gay.
RON: I'll be sure to do just that. Let's go, Peter Pan.
MJ: YAY! Hee Hee! (Ron and MJ leave)
LATER THAT NIGHT
RON: Wow, that was great!
MJ: Yeah, I know.
RON: I didn't know such a tiny thing could perform so much.
MJ: What do you mean, tiny?
RON: Well, it is about the size of a Christmas tree light.
MJ: Oh shimona.
RON: What's a shimona?
MJ: Didn't you already ask me that?
RON: Well, we were interrupted as if it were some sort of running gag?
MJ: Okay, it's a- DUMBLEDORE bursts in.
DUMBLEDORE: Hello, grandson. Have you seen my boyfriend? I wanted to do a bunch of freaky stuff with him.
RON: It happened again!
DUMBLEDORE: (sees Ron with MJ) You cheated!
RON: No, it's okay. Mechial said it was.
DUMBLEDORE: It's not okay to cheat on your boyfriend! Who told you that?
RON: Mechial.
DUMBLEDORE: Damn you to hell! Why would you tell him such horrible things?
MJ: Because I was lonely, and he's a little boy.
DUMBLEDORE: But why would you sleep with my boyfriend. You know he's my boyfriend! You met him in 'Queers Are Here.' It's in the flashback!
MJ: I should really read those more often. Hee hee.
DUMBLEDORE: Okay, I forgive you because you're my grandson, but Roonil Wazlib, we are through!
RON: I told Snape I spelled it right.
DUMBLDORE: Oh, and just so you know how many views 'Kid Spells His Name Wrong' has gotten in the past few hours, you could be another Chris Crocker.
RON: No, I don't call myself a woman, and I think Britney's a whore.
DUMBLEDORE: Takes one to know one.
MJ: That's ignorant, Grandpa.
DUMBLEDORE: At least I don't sleep with other men's boyfriends.
MJ: Not many men have boyfriends, Grandpa, but that's true. I'm sorry, I shoudn't have done it. It was very ignorant.
RON: Please, Dumblycakes, give me another chance.
DUMBLEDORE: Stop calling me Dumblycakes! I'm gonna go back to emoland.
RON: But Snape's already an emo. Do we really need to have two emos.
DUMBLEDORE: Believe it or not, you have a point.
RON: I do? YAY! Mark it down on your date-thingy.
DUMBLEDORE: You mean a calendar.
RON: Yeah, that.
MJ: One in a row, a new record. Shimona.
RON: YAY!!
DUMBLEDORE: Now, that you're all celebrating, I'm gonna find myself a new boyfriend, and he'll be twice the man you'll ever be.
RON: So, now you're gonna date a girl?
DUMBLEDORE: You are retarded. What did I ever see in you?
MJ: Well, you probably just dated him because he's the only other gay guy at Hogwarts who's not related to you. DUMBLEDORE leaves.
HARRY: (bursting through the door with Hermione) Oh, my God.
RON: Harry, what are you doing here?
HARRY: We were going to rescue you from Meichal Josackn but now I think I'm gonna gauge my eyes out!
RON: Why?
HARRY: Because that's one part of you that I did not need to see.
RON: Maybe you will because I'm single again!
HARRY: barfs
HERMIONE: You and Dumbledore broke up?
RON: Apparently you're not supposed to sleep around when you're dating someone.
HERMIONE: Well, duh, everyone knows that!
HARRY: This is Ron you're talking to.
HERMOINE: Oh, right, we probably should have told you sooner. Sorry.
RON: That's okay because I'm available now.
MJ: Ahem.
RON: That was just a fling.
MJ: Awww. Leaves.
RON: Well, now that I'm single I'm gonna go boy scouting. Gets up.
HARRY: Please put some pants on!
RON: If I'm going boy scouting, why would I have to?
HERMOINE: Were you naked when you got Dumbledore?
RON: Well...
HERMOINE: Don't answer that! Just put your clothes on!
THE NEXT DAY
RON: (to Cedric Diggory) Will you be my boyfriend?
CEDRIC: No.
RON: Why not?
CEDRIC: I'm straight. I don't date dudes.
RON: You should.
CEDRIC: Harry told me to tell you "Not everyone's gay. Live with it."
RON: Awww. Damn that motherchucker. (to Justin) Will you be my boyfriend?
JUSTIN: What's in it for me?
RON: Whatever you want.
JUSTIN: 50 million galleons.
RON: I'll just ask somebody else. (to Dean) Will you be my boyfriend?
DEAN: Why are you even asking me? Walks away.
RON: (to Harry) Will you be my boyfriend?
HARRY: What was that Mom?
RON: Your mom's dead.
HARRY: Oh well, in that case, I'd love to but I'm going to be in the hospital that night. (shoots self in the arm.)
RON: Why would you shoot yourself in the arm just to get away from me?
HARRY: I'M NOT GAY!
RON: Why not?
HARRY: Now what did I tell Cedric to tell you?
RON: Not everybody's gay. Live with it.
HARRY: Good Ron. Now I'm going to the other room to stop myself from bleeding.
HERMIONE: Episki. (heals Harry's arm.)
HARRY: Thank you, Hermione. (to Ron) Why are you still here?
RON: Now will you be my boyfriend?
HARRY: Hell no.
RON: (to Hermione) Will you be my boyfriend?
HERMOINE: Are you sure? I thought you were gay.
RON: I am.
HERMOINE: I'M A GIRL!
RON: Really?
HERMOINE: Do you want me to prove it?
RON: No thanks. (to Malfoy) Will you be my boyfriend?
MALFOY: I would eat my own vomit before doing anything gay with you.
RON: Is that a maybe?
MALFOY: Wow, you are as retarded as they say.
RON: Now, will you be my boyfriend?
MALFOY: NO!
RON: sighs I wonder how Dumbly's doing.
ELSEWHERE AT HOGWARTS
DUMBLEDORE: (to Snape) Will you be my boyfriend?
SNAPE: I will chew off my own arm before I even think about doing anything remotely gay with you.
DUMBLEDORE: So, is that a maybe?
SNAPE: Your ex-boyfriend's retardation must have rubbed off on you. Wow, that sounded wrong.
DUMBLEDORE: So, is that an invitation?
SNAPE: No.
ELSEWHERE AT HOGWARTS
RON: I've asked every male student at Hogwarts and no one wants to be my boyfriend. Time to resort to drastic measures. Snape, will you be my boyfriend?
SNAPE: Your Dumblycakes just asked-why the hell did I just call him Dumblycakes- but Dumbledore just asked me that same question and I rejected him.
RON: But that doesn't answer my question.
SNAPE: I will chew off my own arm before I even think about doing anything remotely gay with you.
RON: So is that a-
SNAPE: That is not a maybe, that is a hell no, leave the premises before I snap.
RON: You can't snap, that would require large amounts of emotion that you clearly don't have.
SNAPE: I'm surprised you were intelligent enough to see through that but I can give you a Z-.
RON: Awww. Time to resort to the most drasticest of measures. (to Ginny) Will you be my boyfriend?
GINNY: I'm your sister!
RON: So, is that a maybe?
GINNY: No, I'm a girl! What am I, Hermione?
HERMIONE: Well.
RON: Fine. I'll just ask dad.
GINNY: But, uh, nevermind. You're so stupid sometimes, most of the time, always.
RON: Dumblycakes used to call me stupid sometimes.
GINNY: I can only imagine why.
RON: Dumblycakes! Oh, well, I'll just make him jealous with my new boyfriend.
GINNY: You won't find a new boyfriend.
RON: Dad hasn't said no yet.
GINNY: You haven't asked him yet. Does dad even know you're gay.
RON: No.
GINNY: Okay, imagine this. 'Hi dad. I'm Ron Weasley. I'm coming out of the closet. Actually, I came out of the closet about a year ago, but I didn't want to tell you because I was nervous or stupid or some combination of both. Anyway, do you want to be my boyfriend. Because Dumbledore, my old boyfriend, broke up with me after I had sex with Mechial Josackn.' Does that sound wrong to you.
RON: No, not really. Dad! I have a question for you! Ginny told me this really funny thing to tell you.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
RON: He said no. Then he had a nervous breakdown and he took the flying car to a motel to have sex with a. . . girl (shudders).
GINNY: Which girl was it?
RON: Oh, it was just mom.
GINNY; Oh, thank God.
RON: Why can't everyone be gay?
GINNY: If dad were gay, you wouldn't be here right now. Oh, and Harry told me to tell you -
RON: I know the drill. Not everyone's gay, so put a snail in your armpit.
GINNY: Um, no. 'Live with it.'
RON: Live with a snail in your armpit?
GINNY: No, Live with the fact that not everyone's gay.
RON: Oh. Why wouldn't I be here if dad were gay?
GINNY: Don't you know where babies come from?
RON: Yeah, the stork!
GINNY: I can't believe you've had sex but you don't know where babies come from.
RON: I do know where babies come from. They come from the stork, just like I said.
GINNY: How do I put this? When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they get into bed and the dad sticks his hot dog into the mommy's bun, and then a baby forms, and for nine months it stays inside the lady, then it comes out.
RON: Why?
HARRY: Because it wants to hump the doctor.
RON: Really?
GINNY: How long have you been here?
HARRY: That's none of your concern.
GINNY: Well, do you mind?
HARRY: Fine, I've got better things to do, like put snails in people's armpits.
RON: So, men can't have babies?
GINNY: No!
RON: Fine, I'll ask Charlie to be my boyfriend.
GINNY: But, Charlie's, uh, nevermind
RON: Not my brother Charlie, the unicorn! Hey, Charlie!
CHARLIE: Oh, God.
RON: Do you want to be my boyfriend?
CHARLIE: What?
RON: You know, my boyfriend. Where we hug and kiss and put our hot dogs in each others' buns, apparently.
CHARLIE: Let's get something straight, queero. I'd rather be trapped in a closet with those pink and blue freaks than be your boyfriend. True, they'd probably rape me, but that would be better than anything you'd suggest.
RON: So is that a maybe?
CHARLIE: No, I don't want to be your boyfriend!
RON: So is that a maybe?
CHARLIE: I just said no!
RON: Will you?
CHARLIE: God, what is wrong with you?
RON: Nobody knows.
CHARLIE: There's Clay Aiken.
RON: Ooh, I love him.
CHARLIE: Of course you do. Now run along and play.
RON: WEEEEEEEEEE!! Maybe he'll be my boyfriend.
CHARLIE: Finally, he's gone.
PINK: Hey, Charlie, come into the closet, Charlie.
BLUE: The magical closet of wonder!
CHARLIE: I would rather be Ron's boyfriend. True, he'd probably rape me, but that would be better than spending any time in a closet with you.
PINK AND BLUE: Please?
CHARLIE: Fine, if it'll shut you two up for three seconds. (goes into closet) Hey, why's it locked.
PINK: Charlie, we're gonna have a magical night.
BLUE: A magical night of hope and wonder.
CHARLIE: Oh, God, somebody let me out of here.
AT HOGWARTS
MJ: Ron, I have something to tell you.
RON: Are you gonna tell me what a shimona is
MJ: Um, no. I'm pregnant.
RON: With a shimona?
MJ: No, with a child! You can't be pregnant with a shimona. Who gave you sex ed, your little sister?
RON: Yes, but I don't even know what a shimona is!
MJ: Ok, that's fair.
HERMIONE: That's impossible! Guy's can't get pregnant.
HARRY: Mechial Josackn's a guy?
HERMIONE: Surprisingly, yes.
MJ: Of course I'm a guy. I'm a little boy. A pregnant little boy. If it's a girl, I'm gonna name her Pillow. If it's another little boy, I'll name him Mattress, to go along with Blanket.
HERMIONE: Other than the fact those are really stupid names -
BLANKET: AMEN!
HERMIONE: Little boy's especially can't get pregnant.
RON: Oh, thank God! We really dodged the bullet on that one.
MJ: Nice to know you would've been supportive.
RON: I wasn't looking for anything long-term. You were just a fling.
MJ: I'm registering for Maury. You men are all the same.
HARRY: That is one messed-up dude.
RON: I'm gonna go check on Dumbledore, and beg for his forgiveness.
AT DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE
NEVILLE: Are you sure I'll get extra credit for this?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, yes, just play along. (looks down the hallway) Ron's coming. Kiss me!
NEVILLE: I feel so violated.
RON: Oh, hello, Neville, Dumbly. NEVILLE!
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, yes, he's my boyfriend!
NEVILLE: No, I'm -
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, you are!
NEVILLE: I am! I love doing gay stuff with my new boyfriend, Dumblypies, 'cuz, apparently, I'm gay.
HARRY: I knew it!
RON: Oh, come on, you replaced me with NEVILLE?!
DUMBLEDORE: But he's so warm, and luscious, and LOYAL.
NEVILLE: Yeah, I would never dream of being with another man.
HARRY: I'm gonna tell the whole school.
NEVILLE: No, you can't.
DUMBLEDORE: Come on, Neville, you've got nothing to hide.
NEVILLE: Yes I do.
RON: Your boyfriend hasn't come out of the closet yet?
NEVILLE: I was never in the closet to begin with.
DUMBLEDORE: You're a lousy fake boyfriend.
NEVILLE: Do I still get extra credit?
DUMBLEDORE: No!
HARRY: Only if you put a snail in your armpit.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, yeah, do that, that'd be cool.
RON: Oh, that'd be hilarious.
NEVILLE: Do I have to?
DUMBLEDORE: I guess if you don't want extra credit.
NEVILLE: Fine. Does anyone have a snail?
DUMBLEDORE: Uh, Harry, you better help Neville find a snail. Ron and I have some catching up to do.
RON: YAY! I'm GAY! I'm sorry I cheated on you Dumblycakes.
DUMBLEDORE: And I'm sorry I didn't want to do anything gay with you, Weasleywobbles.
HARRY: We'll just leave you two ladies to your business.
NEVILLE: No, I want to watch this.
HARRY: No, shield your virgin eyes!
NEVILLE: But I'm not a virgin.
HARRY: Yes, you are!
NEVILLE: Okay, I am.
DUMLBLEDORE: We can fix that.
NEVILLE: After you, Harry!
(CREDITS ROLL)
AFTER CREDITS SCENE
GINNY: Where did you come up with 'put a snail in your armpit?'
RON: I think it was a few weeks ago.
FLASHBACK
HARRY: Ron, not everyone's gay,
SNAPE: So put a snail in your armpit.
RON: Snape, did you eat your funny candy again.
SNAPE: Why is that milkshake talking to me?