A/N This is a complete piss take of Harry Potter and it's not even plotted well or anything. So enjoy the random insanity of it all and perhaps I'll write more. It might get very rude in later chaps (if there are any) so that's why it's rated so high.

Harry Potter… The Real Story

Chapter One

Harry made his way downstairs, dodging between all the old take-away wrappers that where lining the stairs.

"Dudley dude, you need to clean this place up man..." he thought, his 60 stone cousin never did any work and so Harry was always forced to. The reply sounded something like 'mmphfgly' and Harry could see why when he turned the corner into the kitchen to see Dudley stuffing his face with chips, he had so many in his already fat mouth that he was keeping them from falling out by pushing them in with a spoon. Harry watched him suspiciously as the chips looked as though they would burst out at any time.

He waded through the waist deep old Chinese cartons and Double Cheese Burger wrappers to the toaster. He opened the bread bin and put two slices in, and pushed down the spring, which popped up again so he held it.

"Marge should be here any minute," said Dudley's rather blind mother, "Eat up diddums…" she said turning to her son, who was already so fat he could only just fit through doors.

Harry watched the toaster cook his bread as a loud crashing noise seemed to come down the stairs, and, as expected, Harry's uncle Vernon Dursley marched into the room, his many chins bulging over his collar. "Petunia... Is everything ready?" he said, making the flab around his face ripple slightly. "For Marge...?"

Aunt Marge, who was no relation to Harry but Harry was still forced to call her 'aunt' was probably the same stature as her brother, Vernon, at around 4ft tall and with a bull dog called Ripper, she was hardly Harry's favourite guest.

"Yes Vernon, dear," Petunia said smiling at him and wading through the rubbish towards him, "everything's perfect!"

"But…" Harry about to point out the fact that they were all waist deep in trash, when he stood in something squishy, as he was wearing no shoes, he had to deal with that immediately.

"Good, so, boy, make sure you behave well for Marge, or else…" Vernon demanded, turning and addressing Harry, narrowing his piggy eyes into a glare. But before Vernon could finish his threat the doorbell rang. "Ah! That will be her now!" and Vernon went to the door, and opened it.

What was standing on the other side of the door was the stuff nightmares were made of.

The short, snarling, drooling bulldog ran towards Harry and jumped on him, what followed was a bloody fight to the death which none of the rather visually impaired Dursleys noticed.

"Aaaaah Vernon!" Marge said extending a podgy hand to him, "I see you cleaned up the house, where's that Potter boy to take my bags?" Harry rolled in from the side still pummelling Ripper, who at this moment was trying to bite off his testicles.

"Here boy," she said dropping the bags on Harry's head, he exclaimed "HOLY CRAP!" And continued fighting, and walking in, she, as she was so small, was almost completely covered by the rubbish, which, almost fatally, cascaded in on her, almost suffocating her, but, for the same strange reason that effected the rest of the family, Marge didn't notice.

Harry who was still amerced in his battle, reached around and stabbed Ripper in the head with a wooden fork left over from, what smelled like, a four-week-old fish and chips wrapper. Ripper squealed loudly and rolled over, apparently dead.

A/N and that concludes that… for now at least children cackles evilly Okay this is my first HP fic… and it might suck ass, but it was fun to write and if I get any reviews I might continue XD. Hope you liked it.