Character List
Layla Foster- Danielle Harris
Hayden Tottington- Ryan Kwanten
Caden Robbyns- Daniel Radcliffe
Celeste Robbyns- Natalia Tena
Alice Robynns- Natalie Portman
Melissa Glynn- Ali Bastian
Chastity Phillips- Eddie Izzard
Pet Shop Owner- Dennis Leary
Dr. Abraham- John Cleese
Orla- Piper Perabo
Mrs. Roberta Landin- Sally Field
Pewter- Michael Palin
Justina- Tea Leoni
Ma Kole- Queen Latifa
Chipper- Jason Alexander
Squeaker Toy- Jon Cryer
The Late Mr. Dobbs- Timothy Spall
Teddiursa- Patrick Warburton
Krisko- Mark Decascos
Inna Morrison- Linda Cardinelli
Wendy- Debi Mazar
Uncle Orsen- George Clooney
Self-Defense Teacher- Kate Hudson
Lopunny- Diora Baird
Professor Azalea- Terry Gilliam
Roscoe Muffinmitt- Eric Idle
Lulu the Cancan girl- Julianne Hough
Tomas Finch- Tim Curry
Sayble T.- Emma Stone
Rebecca Smits- Keke Palmer
Clueless McGee- Topher Grace
Stunt Double- Tyra Banks
Piplup- Barry White
Dawn- Amanda Bynes
Pikachu- Johnny Depp
Ash Ketchum- Josh Henderson
Jules/ Kwan- Katherine Heigl
Un-Coolio- Master P
Danny Stille- Drake Bell
Taco Bell Chihuahua- Gabriel Iglesias
Anna Trebunskaya- Herself
Anna Faris- Herself
Yorkie- Brianna Brown
Mitchell Musso- Himself
Vin Diesel- Himself
Plot: Wallace wakes up in a world where all ideas relate to Monty Python, Pokemon, Pop Culture References, Celebrity Cameos and Uncensored English Jargon.
Part 1: The Fun-Parade
Chapter 1: Dead Parrot SketchCharacters- Wallace, Melissa Glynn, Pet Shop Owner, Orla, Chipper, Teddiursa, Dawn, Piplup, and Lady Tottington.
Wallace and Lady Tottington are walking down the street towards the pet shop to report of a dead parrot they purchased.
WALLACE: Can you believe it?
LADY TOTTINGTON: Of all the nerve!
WALLACE: Let me take care of this you stay here!
LADY TOTTINGTON: Alright…
He enters the Pet Shop with the Dead Parrot in hand.
WALLACE: I'd like to make a complaint!MELISSA: He's somewhat deaf speak up!
She exits into the back room.
WALLACE: I'D LIKE TO MAKE A COMPLAINT!!
PET SHOP OWNER: We're closed for lunch.
WALLACE: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot that my friend and I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
PET SHOP OWNER: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?
WALLACE: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, lad. It's bloomin' dead, that's what's wrong with it!
PET SHOP OWNER: No, no, 'e's uh, ...he's resting.
WALLACE: Look, chap, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
PET SHOP OWNER: No, no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
WALLACE: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
PET SHOP OWNER: No, no, no, no, no, no! 'E's resting!
WALLACE: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (Shouting at the cage) 'Ello,
Mister Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttlefish for you if you show some sign of life!
The Owner hits the cage.
PET SHOP OWNER: There, he moved!
WALLACE: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the damn cage!
PET SHOP OWNER: Why I never!!
WALLACE: Yes, you did!
He hits the cage again.
WALLACE: You just did it again!!
PET SHOP OWNER: You must be blind.
WALLACE: YOU must be- this parrot is a lost soul… a stiff!
PET SHOP OWNER: I never, never did anything...
WALLACE: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing!
Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! Wakey, wakey!
Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.
WALLACE: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
PET SHOP OWNER: No, no..... No, 'e's stunned!
WALLACE: STUNNED?!? That's such a load of hooey!
PET SHOP OWNER: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
WALLACE: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when me and my friend purchased it not half an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
PET SHOP OWNER: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
WALLACE: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
PET SHOP OWNER: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
WALLACE: Plumage!? I don' think plumage is worth a look at when the parrot is insisted upon death!
PET SHOP OWNER: Lovely Bird it 'tis!
WALLACE: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
There is a short pause in which Melissa reenters.
PET SHOP OWNER: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
WALLACE: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
He looks at Melissa.
WALLACE: Come here, ma'am!
MELISSA: Yersir?
WALLACE: Look at that parrot upon the floor does it seem alive to you?
MELISSA: No, no! 'E's pining!
WALLACE: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a bloody knockout! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
There is another pause in which Melissa picks up the parrot.
PET SHOP OWNER: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
WALLACE: I see. I see, I get the picture.
MELISSA: We got a slug.
WALLACE: Pray, does it talk?
PET SHOP OWNER: No… not really.
WALLACE: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
MELISSA: N-no, I guess not.
WALLACE: Well.
PET SHOP OWNER: Would you like a better replacement?
WALLACE: I would!
PET SHOP OWNER: I has a sista' in Ipswich owns a store simal'a to mine she 'as los'sa fine birds, she does, govn'a!
WALLACE: In Ipswich you say?
PET SHOP OWNER: Yes!
He exits the shop and tells Lady Tottington about the ordeal and inevitably end up on a train making it's way to Ipswich.
WALLACE: I can't believe we have to go to Ipswich to get a bleedin' replacement bird!
LADY TOTTINGTON: The nerve of some people.
TEDDIUSRA: I can't believe it! Eight seasons of Family Guy sixty cameos on high-profile shows and I'm reduced to playing a damn pokemon! In a Monty Python Skit, nonetheless!
CHIPPER: Oh calm down at least your adorable!
ORLA: Oh it's not so bad I mean how do you feel now?
TEDDIURSA: Pissed off!!
Wallace stares at the Teddiursa for some time until…
WALLACE: Aren't you Patrick Warburton?
TEDDIURSA: (Being embarrassed when acknowledged) Why yes… uhh… I am!
He picks the Teddiursa up.
WALLACE: Haha! You're like a newborn babe!
He bounces the Teddiursa in his lap.
TEDDIURSA: Stop that! I'm warning you!
WALLACE: What're you gonna do 'bout it 'TINY'?
Teddiursa's eyes glow a deep red and it performs a scratch attack on Wallace's face causing him to drop the Teddiursa.
ORLA: I'm so sorry!
CHIPPER: Bad Teddiursa!
By midday Wallace and Lady Tottington arrive having about enough of the nonsense they've endured.
WALLACE: I'm goin' in an' hopefully this woman i'nt as codged in the 'ead like her brother.
He enters and sees the Shopkeep's sister is probably only fourteen at least.
DAWN: 'Ello how may I help you, gov'na?
WALLACE: Yes, my friend and I purchased a parrot from you brother and the bird is no wandering around as a spirit!
DAWN: Spirits are a nasty spot of botha!
WALLACE: Right…! Anyhow, I need a replacement for the, er- post-mortem parrot.
DAWN: Got'cha I have just the thing!
She pulls out a Piplup with a pair of shades and a red bowtie.
DAWN: This 'ere's a rare Ipswich parrot!
WALLACE: Madam, I don' mean to be rude, but I believe that creature is not a parrot; ratha' a pok'mon… a Piplup if I'm not mistaken!
DAWN: I'm aware! It's a 'Palindrome'!
WALLACE: A palindrome? Wha's a palindrome for what?
DAWN: 'Ipswich' is a palindrome for 'Piplup'!
WALLACE: Are you mentally unstable?! A palindrome is a word that when spelled in reverse make another word!
DAWN: So 'ow much fur it? Ten thousand pounds saunds reasonable?
WALLACE: (Outraged) Ten thousand pounds for a mere Piplup?
DAWN: He has the voice of Barry White!
WALLACE: I'd believe that only when pigs fly!
PIPLUP: (In a deep Barry White voice) Hey, there sugar stick… let the woman sell me to you and I'll personally see to it that I make sweet love to you and your friend, oh-yeah!
Wallace faints and the sketch concludes.