Chapter 1
Allison Cameron knocked on the door of her best friend's apartment and waited for Remy to answer. 30 seconds goes by no answer. Then a minute and still no answer. Allison checks her watch making sure she isn't early. She realizes how late she really is and gets worried. Using her key, she lets herself in Remy's apartment.
"Remy… Hey babe, where are you?"
No answer.
"Rem. You here?" Allison said as se walked cautiously through the hall towards Remy's bedroom. She saw light from the crack under the door to the bathroom and knocked carefully. When there was no answer, she opened the door slowly and peeked her head inside.
There she was Remy Hadley unconscious on the floor her stomach bleeding. As she rushed to her friend's side, her brain switched from worried friend to doctor. Immediately she took Remy's pulse, grateful the girl was breathing. As Allison continued to call Remy's name, she picked her up carefully--realizing how thin the brunette doctor had become—and carried her to the shower, turning the water on cold.
The shock of the ice-cold water startled Remy from unconsciousness as she slouched against the unbearable cool of the shower tiles. She opened her eyes to see Allison rummaging through her bathroom cabinets.
"Al- what are you doing here?"
"Holy shit. You're okay! What happened?"
"Yeah I'm fine; it's nothing." Remy replied as she tried to stand. Her legs, however, had a different idea in mind as Remy toppled to the floor, only to be caught by Allison.
"Really? It doesn't look fine. I'm not sure if you skipped classes in med school, but when a person passes out due to loss of blood, you can almost always conclude that he or she is not fine. Spill. What happened?"
By now, Allison had propped Remy against the side of the bathtub and had retrieved a towel for her wet friend. She continued to rummage for bandage supplies happening upon a black kit that resembled something of a first aid kit. Opening it, her jaw dropped in disbelief as she stared upon a series of scalpels, razor blades, and box cutters.
"What the fuck is this?" Allison asked, fear and anger mixing into her words.
"Shit…" Remy muttered to herself, knowing she was at a dead end. "Seriously, it's really nothing. It's stuff from a long time ago that I couldn't bring myself to throw away." She hated lying to Allison but today wasn't the day to get into her self-destructive habits and her other hidden lifestyles with her best friend.
"Right, stuff from a long time ago. No, of course, I believe that I mean it's not like you have a deep 5-inch cut across your stomach or anything. I'm not kidding; tell me what the hell is going on."
Remy sighed and resigned herself to telling Allison her past, her present, and her future on the floor of her bathroom as she sat with a white cotton towel around her shoulders.
Chapter 2
In those 2 hours, Remy spilled her guts, telling Allison everything from the hatred she felt for her mother, who died of Hutchinson's, her lonely teenage years, her self mutilation, and finally about her own death sentence.
Remy spoke the words slowly. "I have Hutchinson's," she whispered in an almost inaudible sound. Allison was shocked and she didn't know what to do. It was the cherry on top of an evening that had overwhelmed her from beginning to end.
Remy understood this feeling and didn't try to interrupt Allison's train of thought. She stood up, saying "I'm going to order a pizza."
After calling for delivery, Remy stepped in the half bathroom adjacent from her living room. Allison still hadn't emerged from her spot against the bathtub. Remy knew better than to intervene. Allison would put on a brave face and tell Remy that it was okay to be afraid, assuring her that she would be there every step of the way. Remy also knew that even though Allison would say all these things, she'd be breaking inside. She rolled up her shirt to see the make shift bandage covering a good portion of her stomach. After peeling it away slowly, she grabbed a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and poured it on her wound. She could cut but she would never leave it untreated. She was a doctor after all. Remy closed her eyes and leaned against the wall, wondering what would happen with Allison, whether she had done the right thing. Now, Allison knew everything. The walls Remy hid behind were nonexistent in terms of Allison, and the realization of this hit Remy like a tidal wave. She had always run from obstacles in her life, but this blonde was someone she knew she could never outrun, never hide from. Despite the friendship, there was love. Remy was in love with Allison Cameron, and it was her little secret.
Chapter 3
Emerging to the smell of pizza, Allison walked solemnly out of the bathroom through the hall and into the living room. She was still in shock but she was ashamed of the way she had completely shut down as Remy told her everything. She walked past the hall bathroom and saw Remy leaning silently, eyes closed, against the wall.
She tried to create a sense of confidence and assurance in her voice, but her intentions failed her as Remy's name came out in a hushed whisper.
"I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything. Now you know."
Allison nodded and felt stupid in her response, but it was the best thing she could come up with.
Remy gave a casual smile and took Allison's wrist and pulled her to the bar. "I think we need a couple of drinks."
With that their evening was spent with alcohol, pizza, and crappy movies. It was an escape, an attempted one at least, from the immense weight of the present on their shoulders.
Chapter 4
Too drunk to drive, Allison slept in Remy's bed. A combination of the alcohol and her close proximity to her partially naked best friend drove Remy crazy to the point where sleep wasn't an option. Remy crept down the hall quietly, determined not to wake Allison. She quickly found her shot glass and a mostly-full bottle of tequila. Multiple rounds of shots always ended poorly for Remy, but she needed a distraction. She grabbed her speaker headphones and dialed through the artists until she found Forever the Sickest Kids. Me versus Everybody began playing and she poured herself another shot.
Why do I put myself in these situations?
Woah oh woah oh I keep pushing myself even though I can't take anymore.
You're worth losing my, losing my, losing my self esteem.
With each new shot came a new song. Innocent by Our Lady Peace rang through the headphones and Remy lost herself in the lyrics and booze.
Well, she wishes she was a dancer and that she'd never heard of cancer.
She wishes God would give her some answers and make her feel beautiful.
I remember feeling low.
And I remember losing hope.
And I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped.
We are, we are all innocent. We are all innocent.
We are, we are all innocent. We are all innocent.
The song was on replay and she was too lost in the feeling of drowning her senses to realize the tears sliding down her face. She was numb. Leaving the headphones in, she stumbled into the kitchen, picked a knife and pushed the cold metal into the skin on her hip-bone. The rush of pain, the peeking red drops, the adrenaline rush reminded her she was alive. Remy turned around; headphones still singing, tears stains dried on her beautifully sad face. The sight before her was enough to make her feel again; it was enough to break her heart. There stood her best friend, clad in shorts and an extra large sweatshirt, with tears streaming down her face. Allison wasn't blinking. She just stood there in shock. Remy saw pain, panic, and fear in her eyes.
"Um," she stuttered, trying to regain her composure, "I… um… you… we… I'm sorry." Allison turned and walked away, unaware of what to do or say or where to go. She couldn't leave because Remy needed her, but she couldn't talk to her because she was at a loss for words. She couldn't go back to sleep because she was shaking. So she stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room looking and feeling like she didn't belong anywhere in the room while hugging herself as if holding her together. Allison knew one thing: standing there like an idiot crying her eyes out would not help the situation in the slightest. She dried her tears and started down the hall to the bedroom. After mumbling another good night, Allison climbed under the covers and tried to stop the flooding of memories from her past that were resurrected with the events of the day.
Chapter 5
"Allie, please talk to me. Allison? Are you asleep? I'm sorry you had to see that. Please. Come on; just talk to me. I want to try to explain."
"Explain what? I get it okay? It's your business, not mine. So I'll stay out of it. You know I'm here if you need me, but if this is your way to deal with it then so be it. Whatever works best for you."
"You don't understand. It's not as easy as that. It's about…"
Allison cut her off. "What? It's about control? You don't have any control over the things in your life like your disease, your parents, your boss, so you control what you can. Even if it's painful, it reminds you that you're alive, that you can feel."
Remy was speechless. "Look. I get it okay? Trust me. From experience I know. I can't say I know what it's like to have a fatal disease, but I watched my husband die. Yes, it was my choice, and yes, I would do it again if I ever given the chance. My life isn't lollipops and rainbows—never has been, never will be. I understand the need for control. I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I'll see you in the morning. Night." Allison prayed that Remy hadn't caught the slip up of words in her rant as she turned her back to the brunette and pulled the covers back up over shoulders.
"Allie… from experience? What are you talking about?"
"Remy. It's not the time. I can't. Okay? It's the past just leave it there."
Ok. Well then I guess we should get some sleep." Remy sighed and rolled in the opposite direction to try and sleep off the bad feeling she had about Allison's past.
Chapter 6
Remy woke to sobs wracking the small blonde next to her.
"Hey Allie. Hun, what's wrong? Allie? Allie? Allison?"
The blonde was curled in a ball, tears streaming down her face, mumbling, "Please no," over and over again.
Remy shook her, trying to jolt Allison from her nightmare. "Wake up. Allison, come on. Wake up."
Finally, Allison shot up in the bed and quickly examined her surroundings, unsure of where she was. The first thing Remy noticed was how intensely Allison was shaking.
"You okay? Can I get you anything? What happened? Where did you go?"
"No where. Just a bad dream. I'm fine. I'm going to grab a glass of water. Go back to sleep. Sorry I woke you." Allison slid from the bed and headed towards the kitchen. She paused leaning against the countertop for support. Her shoulders her shaking and she couldn't get her hands to settle down enough to grab a glass. Remy came up behind her, grabbing a glass out of the cabinet and filling it with water. She led Allison to one of the chairs and sat across from her waiting for Allison to calm down.
As she regained composure of her body, she mumbled her appreciation.
Remy wasn't about to drop it there. Whatever was bugging Allison had her shaken to the core, and she wasn't going to leave the conversation where it was.
"Talk. I'll listen."
"I can't."
"Allison.
I've seen you cry more in the last 7 hours than I have in the
entire 3 year span of our friendship. Something isn't right, and
it's not just about the stuff I told you. So talk to me hun."
Allison found it hard to breathe. She had no idea where to start. She'd sealed off her past and left it where it was, learning that living in the present with a brave (even if fake) face was better than remembering the pain.
Chapter 7
After relocating to the couch and finding a comfort spot underneath a large blanket, Allison broke the silence. "I was abused as a child. As a teenager, I cut to relieve the pain. My brother got into drugs because he knew what was happening and couldn't handle not knowing how to protect me. I left after I graduated and haven't been back since. I paid my way through college and med school with working multiple jobs and taking out student loans. I married my late husband 2 years after I graduated med school. I was pregnant and lost the baby due to complications because of the abuse I'd sustained when I was younger. I watched my husband die slowly for 6 months. I buried him and then started working for House." She took a deep breath. "That's it. All of it."
Now it was Remy's turn to be speechless.
"How long?"
"14 years."
"What kind?"
"Physical, emotional, and sexual." Her voice caught in her throat as she spoke the last word.
"Allison, I'm so sorry. That must have been hard. You are an unbelievably strong woman."
Allison stared at the ground refusing to let the tears stream down her cheeks.
"Honey, it's okay to cry. That's a lot to hold in. You take care of everyone else, but who takes care of you?"
With that their friendship was sealed, they depended on each other for emotional support, for laughs and relaxation, and for companionship.