A/N: So. I wrote this for BethyBoo97, to cheer her up out of her miserable mood. Phase 2 of Operation Cheer Beth Up.
The song is "Who You Are" by Jessie J.
For BethyBoo97.
Sarah x
I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no
She examined herself in her pocket mirror, nitpicking faults about herself as Gerry, Jack and Brian worked away. Her skin was too uneven. Her eyes were too sharp. Her hair didn't sit right. Everyone else thought she looked fine – beautiful, even – but she sat picking faults with her appearance.
She tried to ignore it, and see past it, and she could almost see how far she'd come as she adapted and became at home within UCOS. She could remember when her appearance was everything. How she used to have to appear both masculine and feminine at once to get anywhere, to avoid too much criticism. She almost forgot who she really was as she shot up the ranks, becoming whoever she was needed to be at the time.
Then she was handed UCOS and all of that changed. These three men didn't expect much from her. Loyalty and trust, perhaps, but they knew who she was and didn't ask her to be anything but that. It was then that she realised she could be herself, because they didn't actually give a damn what she looked like and if she acted like a child sometimes, and even if they did, she was in charge. So she brought the fun-loving Sandra Pullman back from the dead.
Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's OK not to be OK
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are
She almost lost herself climbing the wobbly ladder, trying to be the best. She abandoned what little love life she had, settling instead for the unsustainable to save her from the perils of commitment. What sort of life was that to lead? She might have been one of the best, but she was also one of the most deeply miserable.
As she recalled the long friendless nights before Tweedledee, Tweedledum and Tweedle-Dumber wandered into her life, she felt tears sting her eyes. By God, she had definitely improved her life in her years running UCOS. They had somehow humanised her, reminding her she is breakable, and it was not a sin to show the cracks once in a while.
Gerry walked into her private office to tell her something but stopped dead in the doorway at the sight of her tears. "What's up, Sandra?" he asked her, shutting the door. She wasn't good at this whole 'open your heart' lark. She preferred to follow her head's advice and keep her heart well hidden.
She wiped the tears away. She still didn't understand the concept that it was not a sign of weakness to cry. It was hard to break the habits she held for most of her life. In her heart she knew she was not weak – tear or no tears – but she was feeling bruised and fragile as she remembered how she used to live.
"Nothing," she finally sighed. "I was just remembering things."
Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah
The more I try the less it's working, yeah,
'Cause everything inside me screams, no, no, no, no, yeah
She ran her fingers through her golden hair, trying to get every snag out. It was the wind that did it to her hair, twisting it around until there were multitudes of knots right through it. She always wished she was nothing more or less than perfect. It was the most self-destructive thing about her personality, this desire to be perfect.
She stared at Gerry for a second and recalled what she was like before she met him. She remembered she was trying to be the best detective she could, which necessitated in letting other people decide who she had to be to get where she wanted to be. She could remember trying to be one of them but never quite managing it as it got more difficult the harder she would try.
"What were you remembering?" he asked with genuine interest. Her heart was begging her to let him in, and break her own routine of blocking the world from hurting her.
"Just the way I used to be, how I used to live before I met you guys," she admitted.
"That bad, was it?" he grinned at her, receiving the glare she reserved especially for him, and him alone.
Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's OK not to be OK
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising
There's nothing wrong with who you are
She often forgot to be Sandra Pullman the woman rather than Sandra Pullman the copper. There was a major difference there. If someone didn't know her well enough, she could trick them into thinking she was just a happy woman. But the truth was that she struggled with who she was, and who she wanted to be.
"I'm just being silly," she told him, wiping away the tears. "Sometimes I just wonder who I really am."
He went to stand behind her chair and placed his hands on her shoulders in a comforting gesture. Soon, he was rubbing her shoulders and neck ever so gently, trying to relax her body. She felt stupid for letting this get to her, and for crying over it. There were a few things that defined her: she stood up for what she believed in, she looked out for her team and she did not take any crap from anyone.
That was what defined her as a person. There was nothing that really made her stand out. She had no real love life to speak of, and she spent many a night alone. There was one thing, well, person, who got to her sometimes, though. Gerry. He could sometimes make her feel like who she was was perfectly fine. Her head told her to back off from him, but her heart told her to let him love her. It was an endless struggle between the two.
"What makes you think about it?" he asked her gently.
Yes, no's, egos, fake shows
Like whoa, just go, and leave me alone
Real talk, real life, good love, good night
With a smile , that's my own
That's my own, no, no, no, no, no
"I don't know," she sighed. "It's just feels like I'm not allowed to be the person I wish I was. Like I have to have this hard shell on so no-one thinks I'm a coward."
"Who do you want to be?" he challenged her. She tilted her head back to see his face, and he was perfectly serious. No joking.
She thought on it for a minute. What did she want? She didn't want to be the hard-faced cow she pretended she was. Yes, she was hard, but deep down, she was not a horrible person. She knew she, somewhere inside her, genuinely believed in the fairytale romance, even if she hadn't found it yet.
And yet she was, in a way, addicted to real life and the challenges it brought. She thrived in the face of adversity, and yet she was tired of facing it. In a way, she wanted a simple life with someone she loved.
"I want to be the woman who can laugh when she wants to," she confessed. "I want to be someone who is loved for her own personality. I want to fall in love and live happily ever after. But I know I can never have that," she sighed, letting her head drop sideways onto his hand. "I want to be special, I guess, but I don't want to lose myself."
"You are special," he reminded her. "And you're perfect the way you are. And who says you can never fall in love and be happy?"
"I'm a bit old for that, Gerry," she gave him a sad smile. His free hand stroked her hair out of her eyes and brushed her cheek softly.
Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's OK not to be OK
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are, yeah, yeah, yeah
"You're never too old," he answered. He wiped away the very last of her tears for her. She knew where he was going with this now. She could not fool him; he knew her too well and could see through every mask she chose to wear.
"Gerry," she warned him, her voice husky and rough with tears. "Don't do anything you'll regret."
"You mean anything you'll regret," he corrected her. But then she felt something inside her click. She realised the fairytale had been waiting for her for years, in this office. It occurred to her that he was the one who loved her for all her qualities and flaws. He was the one she fell in love with, so gradually that she had barely noticed it until now.
"I would never regret it," she promised him, and she really did mean it. His lips were against hers as he leaned over her from behind, so soon that it almost surprised her. Almost.
She reached up to stroke his face as she kissed him back. He pulled away and ran his fingers gently through her hair.
"I love you for who you are, Sandra," he explained "Not who you wish you were. You don't need to change."
Hope it's OK!
Please feel free to leave a review and tell me what you think!
Sarah x