woodwork
it carries on as we become undone
woodwork, sleeping at last
She already has a sister. She doesn't need another one.
Then she remembers, her heart feeling heavy in her chest.
She had a sister. Then a plane fell out of the sky and then she didn't have a sister anymore.
It doesn't stop her forming the words on her tongue, a rebuke ready to be yelled into the night air. Then the words catch in her throat because they're not true.
She had a sister. Not anymore.
...
She walks away and a memory hits her.
It's from years ago. A young intern, shy and stammering, telling her that she had a sister. She shivers in the night, remembering the feelings that assailed her at that moment - and finding that right now, those same feelings had returned.
Her step falters and she comes to a halt, the pain in her chest making it impossible to continue. She hasn't thought about that moment in a long time. Oh, Lexie - innocent, young Lexie, dead now for so long.
And now there was someone else - another girl claiming to be her sister.
And Meredith knows she's not got any space left in her heart for another sister because Lexie left her mark in the scars that she carries with her every day.
She doesn't mean to, but suddenly, she's crying - the tears spilling down her cheeks and the sobs wracking her body with convulsions. She's in the middle of the street, but it's empty of people and for that she's glad, at least.
She ends up, somehow, crouching on her knees by an illuminated store window - flickering images advertising something or other but Meredith can't see through her tears and doesn't care anyway.
The grief hits her like brick wall, surprising her because it's been so long. But then again, did she ever really grieve at the time? There were so many things to worry about, to take her mind of the crippling truth so she never did.
Now there's stranger claiming to share blood with her, just like her, just like Lexie did and she can't push it away, can't distract herself with other, less important things.
Because there was plane crash and her sister, so recently discovered, was taken away.
The world lost a shade of Grey that day, and the world's that bit darker for it.
...
Lying in bed, Derek next to her - Derek who's so excited to have someone else to add to the family, who hasn't even considered that his wife, next to him, is wrestling with a broken heart. It's typical of them at the moment - two people who used to know each other inside out who are drifting apart.
She's thinking of Lexie, of how she hated the other girl when they first met - how she was adamant she didn't need a sister, just like now, like with Maggie.
But there are other things in play now.
She can't just let Maggie walk into her life, into her family. She's lost too much, been burned to many times to let something like that happen so easily.
She had a sister and she doesn't need another one.
...
Zola sometimes says things that breaks her mother's heart. Normally, Meredith dismisses them out of hand, ignoring them or placating Zola with a brief sentence or two.
But now, after recent developments, she can't. They're at home, Zola's playing with her toys, Derek is entertaining Bailey a few metres away, and she suddenly drops her toy and looks up at her mother with a frown her face and speaks.
"Mama, where did Auntie Lexie go?"
Meredith freezes, and closes her eyes.
"Zo-Zo I've told you," Meredith replies, but her chokes on the words and she's scared she's going to cry in front of her daughter, so she screws up her eyes and takes a deep breath. When she opens them again, Derek's in front of her, and talking Zola's hand.
"Zo, Auntie Lexie's gone away, remember? She's not going to be coming back. But she loves you very much, and so do I and so does your mommy, alright?"
Zola looks up at them with her innocent eyes but there's a look in them, as if she understands there's something going on she doesn't fully understand. Then she nods, and goes back to her toys and the moment's gone.
...
Later, she's in the kitchen, washing up some dishes, when Derek comes in, explaining he's left Amy with the kids. She turns away, back to the dishes, because things between her and Derek haven't been great between them recently.
"This thing with Maggie," he starts. "You're off with her because of Lexie, aren't you? Because you don't want to lose another sister."
She stays steadfastly at the sink, her hands cleaning on autopilot, her mind blank.
"What happened with Lexie - that hurt all of us, but you most of all. All that you went through, accepting her, letting her in - you didn't do that lightly. And then the plane crashed and she died. But Meredith, Maggie's not going to die. And she's your sister, just like Lexie was, and just like Lexie, you're going to accept that. I know you."
She stays at the sink, her arms freezing. But then she turns away, violently, and pushes past him. She falters in the doorway, and turns back.
"I don't need another sister."
...
She cries again that night - cries for the sister she left in that forest, cries for the innocent little girl who just wanted her sister to love her, for the future she never got to see.
...
She sees Maggie the next day, at the hospital. Meredith wants to go up to her, but she knows all that will come out will be anger, because she doesn't need another sister.
She already has one.
There she goes again.
She had a sister and then a plane fell out of the sky.
...
Any thoughts?