Her
by Annie Hall
Special Thanks to Molly Jordan
Rated R: Sexual Reference, Strong Language
===/\=== WARNING :: Male Sexual Pairing :: WARNING ===/\===
HER
A limp and frustrated Trip Tucker pulled back from his lover and rolled onto his side next to him; "Jesus, Jon, I think that's the third time since we've been here that you've done this to me isn't it? You wait 'til I'm all worked up and ready to go and then you pull this shit, I'm startin' to think you're doing it on purpose. You coulda just as easily said something before you were satisfied or at the very least waited 'til after I was."
Jon rolled onto his side facing away from his angry lover and pushed himself upright, he swung his legs off the bed and stood up taking an indignant stance, his back still toward his lover. "I'm sorry Trip. I really am. But, I did say something to you about this yesterday. You just didn't want to hear it."
Trip sat upright in Jon's direction letting his feet dangle off the bed. "So, we're going with that one again? The one where you tell me I don't care enough to really listen to you?"
"Something like that." Jon murmured more to himself than to the man asking the question.
"Well, you know what, Jon? Fuck you!" The wounded man fired back and then snorted in frustration; "or as it's happenin' lately; don't fuck you. Jesus, what is it with you?"
He shifted on his feet. "Nothing, I would just like you to see it from my point of view."
Trip snorted. "You know that isn't what you want; what you want is for me to do whatever the hell you tell me and you know it! I really hoped we were gonna play this game again today Jon, because it sure was fun yesterday!"
"That's not what I meant and you know it." Jon's arms crossed in front of him.
"Then what did you mean?" Trip asked, his voice was calmer but his anger still unwilling to move.
"I don't know." He replied, his arms still folded, his back still rigid and tears forming in his eyes.
"You don't know what you meant, but you didn't mean that?" Trip asked with a bit of frustration coming through though he tried hard not to let it.
Jon answered. "We've been through this so many times Trip; you know what I meant."
Trip tried his best to remain calm. "Enlighten me, Jon. I'm confused here, I thought the conversation you're referrin' to was finally over. You asked me what I wanted; I answered you, end of discussion. Now you're gonna tell me this whole thing just now with us went from good to bad in a heartbeat because you didn't like my answer from yesterday? Damn fine timin' to bring it up now don't ya think?"
Jon stiffened his back squared off his shoulders and exhaled loudly.
Trip waited hoping Jon would soften and turn but Jon never budged and Trip's pained anger met again with his frustration. "Look, Jon, this has got to stop. I have the right to make my own choices whether you agree with them or not and I'm tired of always bein' pushed to change because you think I'm wrong. I can't play that way." Trip sighed, then changed his statement; "No, wait, that's wrong Jon; I can play that way. I can let you have total control over me, but you know you wouldn't like that any better."
"I'm not asking for control over you; things are just different now that's all."
Trip disagreed. "Things aren't different, Jon. You're different. Nobody asked you to step in and rearrange this situation. Not her, and not me. If you wanna know the truth you seem to be the only one havin' a problem finishin' what we started here."
"Oh? And you haven't been just a bit on edge since we got here?"
Trip's anger flew. "Hell, yeah I'm on edge and I'll tell ya why, Jon, it's because you keep playin' me like this, getting' me just so far and then just walkin' away. Jesus it's frustratin' as hell for me, either you want me or you don't want me, but I gotta know what it's gonna be. You can't just keep pulling me into your web just to me leave hangin' there with my hands tied assumin' that I'll wait for you." He suddenly had a revelation and grunted frustration; "Oh shit!" He sucked in a long breath and let it out. God, I am such a dunce! I see it now; I'm the stupid ass here right? I'm the one who believes what you tell me is true. I'm the one who keeps comin back for the bait even when I oughta know it's just another god dammed trap. God, I am so slow to learn at this shit. Why do I never see it comin? Tell Trip you love him, reel his heart in and work him over good. You know you can because he's too damn stupid to realize you're just usin' him 'til you got somethin' better ta go home to."
He stood from the bed firmly planting his feet on the floor and crossed his arms tightly. Then, with sudden resolve, he spoke; "I want you out. You have got to get out of this room now Jon. I can't talk to you when you're like this and I guess I've never told you what you wanna hear anyway. I can't do this with you anymore. You have got to get out."
Jon's arms dropped to his side, the tears now running down his cheeks. This was not what he wanted, but he couldn't make himself face Trip right now - everything Trip had said was, to a certain degree, true. His attention turned toward something on the beach outside of the bedroom window. It was her. She was reason for his hesitation in letting himself go through this plan fully and completely. "What about her?" He asked.
Trip glanced through the window at the girl on the beach. "What about her? You're worried about her? What about us, Jon? Get a clue; she isn't the problem here."
He stopped himself and let out a strong sigh. Maybe Jon really thought she was the problem and maybe he should try to listen again for something he missed from Jon the last time they talked about it.
"Look, Jon, if you wanna talk about her, I'm more than willing to do that. But you have gotta tell me what's really going on in that heart of yours. If you're just gonna keep frettin' about something you have no control over I don't see any reason to..."
Jon swung around to face Trip with fists raised and shouted, "You bastard! Fuck you!" He wanted to say more, a lot more. But he restrained himself and, needing focus on something other than Trip, angrily bent to pick up his clothing.
Trip had thought he was making a genuine offer to his lover, he had never expected that kind of reaction from Jon and he concealed his hurt with sarcasm; "Fuck you huh?" Trip scoffed. "Don't promise me things you aren't willing to give me, Jon."
Jon swung up clenching his hands tightly around the clothing he held, Trip thought for sure he would swing and readied himself to duck. Instead Jon locked his jaw tightly and sucked back the fire that was about to flare from his nostrils.
Trip sat himself back on the bed and watched as the angry man forcefully dressed in silence and took his leave. "Goddamned asshole!" He said as the door slammed shut and shattered his strength into uncontainable tears.
*******
She was on the beach flying a kite and Jon recalled that it was the same thing she had been doing the day he had introduced her to Trip. Kite flying was something she always swore relaxed her but it had never served to give him much more than a stiff neck and a sore left shoulder. His muscles tightened just watching her there, doubling on top of the twisted knots that had occurred just moments before.
He thought it might be better to just leave a note on the monitor instead of verbally telling her he was leaving. He knew she would realize something was not right. Nothing had been right since they had arrived on her doorstep four days ago and all of this suddenly became real. She looked from the kite to catch him standing there on the deck watching her. Damn it! He thought, and tried another tactic.
"Taking the transport into the city for the night, do you need anything?" He called, trying to be relaxed about it.
"Don't think so; check the fridge though." She called back.
"I will." He forced a smile; that was too easy.
"Charlie too?"
He sighed, he had been right - it had been too easy - he hoped she wouldn't ask him to explain. "Not this time,"
"Really? Why not?" She asked, and then, as if through his insistence, her kite dipped and faltered taking her attention away from him. "Shit!" She yelped, and struggled to gain control of the kite before she lost it in the water. She found him gone when she finally returned her gaze to the deck. "Damn it." She mumbled and began to reel the kite in guessing at the reason for the single departure.
Jon boarded the morning transport into the city intent on entering the first bar he found there and spending intensive time in it gathering or drowning his thoughts, whichever came first.
******
She came up from the beach climbing the short staircase to the deck and propped the kite in the corner, slipped off her shoes and entered the house. It was quiet inside now; quite different than the noisy sexual play she had awoken to. She smiled at the fact that the two of them were so bold in such a small open space as this, but then again the two of them had never been a secret with her.
She quietly gathered the items she needed to make a pot of coffee and assumed that a worn out Charlie had simply gone back to sleep afterward, and Jon had let him be. Still she wondered why he had made the lone trek into the city; it wasn't like Jon to go anywhere alone unless there was a problem. She poured the water into the coffee-pot and a sudden inkling told her that she should peek in on Charlie just to make certain that things were ok.
The door was shut but it was not locked when she tried the knob, an indication that it was ok to open it. She pushed it open just enough to see him sleeping there and returned to her coffee.
******
Jon walked four blocks from the transport drop off before he found an open bar and then decided to pass it. His mulling over all of his conversations with Trip on the way had resulted in some new questions. The fact that it was really too early for a drink didn't bother him as much as the fact that he wasn't quite ready to deal with the liquor's enhancement of his control issues just yet. He walked on another few blocks finding himself in front of a toy store with a display of tiny kites in the window. A sudden warmth caressed his heart and he went in to look around.
******
It was late afternoon and she had yet to see Charlie save for one trip to the bathroom. She put down her book and went to the door pushing it open a crack to listen for his breathing and then a bit more when she didn't hear it to see that he was actually there. He was naked seated in the middle of the bed, covered knees pulled up against his chest, his folded arms resting against them and his gaze extending somewhere far beyond where he was.
"Watching the waves?" She quietly asked.
He didn't turn from his gaze, simply tipped the hand most toward her with a rocking motion to signify his answer was 'yes and no'.
The only thing this told her was that he was not being his loveable and teasing self. Maybe he had just awoken and was still adjusting, she thought, but, because of Jon's departure, something told her he was upset.
"Want some company?"
Again his fingers were her only indication as they curled with a motion that told her she could enter.
"You ok?" She asked after she had situated herself on the bed next to him.
He said nothing but reached down and interlaced his fingers with hers. She turned her hand over to grip his and waited for his verbal reasoning.
"Not feeling well?" She finally asked when his silence began to bother her.
"I'm ok, just sore."
"Having a little too much fun with Jon the past few days are we?" She teased. He shot back a pain filled expression that that took her quite by surprise.
She had no way of knowing that what she had just asked him couldn't have been farther from the truth. He realized she didn't even have an inkling that he had told his lover to leave. Nor did she understand that he was sure his lover would never return. She could only tell by his immediate and sharp reaction that it wasn't something she should have teased about just then.
She thought it better not to question his response and changed the subject. "How about I make you something to eat?"
He wrinkled his nose.
"Something to drink?" Her counter offer.
Again he wrinkled his nose.
She sighed. "Ok, I can just sit here with you if that's what you want, or I can give you a backrub while you watch those waves hit the beach.
He smiled; "that would be nice."
"Oil, lotion, or bare?"
"Oil."
"Be right back." She kissed his cheek and exited, returning just as quickly with the bottled oil, very happy to have something to occupy the time spent with Charlie Tucker's silence. She climbed back up on the bed and positioned herself behind him, warmed the oil in her palms and pressed them into his back. He sighed and leaned into her hands as she worked her way from between his shoulder blades toward his neck and back down.
After several minutes tears began to roll from his eyes. "He's not coming back, you know that, don't you?"
She stopped rubbing. "What?" She asked, a little surprised that this was the problem.
"I told him he was using me, then I told him to get out." He sucked in a quick breath to stop himself from falling to pieces there with her.
"Is that what you really wanted?" She asked, hoping it wasn't. She could tell by the uneven breaths he was taking that he was about to lose control and braced herself against the headboard for her own support.
"I don't know." He said turning onto his side before falling against her comforts. She took him into her arms holding him against her chest gently stroking him until the sobbing subsided and he regained control.
He spoke softly opening his broken heart. "I never lied to him about any of this. Ever. He knew what I wanted and where I was headed with this and he made me think he wanted it too. Now I gotta think he only wanted the sex part, and know what? I don't think he even wants that anymore."
Her mind whirled around his words. She thought she knew exactly where the two of them were headed too. She had been convinced they would always be there together and that was the only reason she had agreed to do this for them. If there was no longer a couple here what would happen to her in all of this. Would she be left to care for something they had started? This was something she hadn't prepared for at all, something she never expected.
"Are you sure, Charlie? Because maybe you're seeing something that really isn't there."
He looked up at her and met her gaze. "I wish I wasn't sure but he's been pushing me away ever since we got here. I think now that it's real and he sees what this is really gonna take, he doesn't want it any more."
"Maybe he's just afraid of this, Charlie; maybe the two of you just need to talk about it."
He grunted a snort; "All we've been doin' is talkin' about this. I thought Jon and I both wanted this. Now I don't know what he wants anymore. Maybe he never wanted any of this in the first place and I just wouldn't listen."
"Damn it!" She slipped, she hadn't meant to voice her own torment out loud. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work." She whispered a tear falling from her eye.
He kissed it from her cheek and moved over to place a kiss on her lips.
She turned from him and he pulled her back and kissed her anyway. Tears ran down her face as she let herself dissolve into his touch.
His kiss suddenly became violent with need and she pushed him away.
"We can't do this Charlie; it's not right." She turned to go and he pulled her back to himself. "What about Jon?" She questioned as he pinned her underneath himself.
"I don't belong to him, and he's not comin' back. I can't let him come back this time." He moved to kiss her lips and she turned her head, he persisted by kissing her elsewhere.
She could feel herself responding to his touch, her body beginning to ache for him and she wanted desperately to let it happen but she couldn't. "He will come back, you know he will and you won't be able to live with yourself for cheating him like this."
His kisses stopped. "I'm not cheatin' him of anythin', I'd be givin' this to him but he doesn't want it from me anymore."
"This morning?" She asked, his mouth hovering over hers.
His eyes looked back at her with the same pain she had seen earlier. "This mornin? This mornin I knew it was over."
"But it's not over; it can't be over because it's not over for me. I can't just quit with this. I'm stuck..." She tried to say as his mouth covered hers and she returned his kiss.
His hand ran up under her shirt playing softly across her belly making its way downward. "I won't make ya do this alone, I still want this and I'll be here for you, you know that."
"I know." She whispered back. "I just thought that it would be..."
His mouth again muffled her words as he pushed himself inside of her and she gave in to him.
******
Jon felt uncomfortable there alone at the cafe table and tried to eat his dinner in an inconspicuous manner. He had skipped the bars and intentionally made himself miss the last transport. He didn't want to go back with anything left unresolved in his head or his heart. Trip was right. He did need to have control. Not necessarily control over his lover, but control over the situations in his life that were uncomfortable. Where there was no control or sense of order he somehow ceased to function favorably.
He realized also that he had been seeking reassurance that things were going in the right direction. Reassurance that his lover wasn't going to leave him for her. Today looking through the toy store it suddenly hit him that that kind of reassurance is something no one can ever really give you. People in your life come and go on a daily basis, some even after they've made their promises to be with you forever. He recalled his father making that promise and the instant the memory hit, he realized that he was afraid to make the same promises to his own child.
When she opened the door and he saw her standing there with the child in her belly it finally made it real. It wasn't a theory any more, not a 'what if we', or a 'maybe we can'; it was reality. It was a reality he wanted more than anything in the world. It was also a reality that he now realized had made him feel totally and helplessly inadequate.
*****
She woke up still in his bed as the twilight filtered shadows through the room. He was not with her. She sat up leaning against the headboard peering through the window out onto the water and wondered why she had never taken over this room instead of keeping the one that looked out onto the drive.
His voice came quietly from the shadows. "We still friends?" He asked. "I really never intended forcin' myself on you like that."
"I would've said so if I had wanted it to stop." She lifted the covers inviting him back into bed and he climbed in next to her. She snuggled against his chest. "I forgot how much I loved you."
This felt good to him, being here with her opening up his heart. She always knew how to listen and he had forgotten how much he loved her as well. "Me too," he said. His hand toyed with her hair for a long while.
"He tells me I should marry you, did you know that?" He finally asked.
"Because of the baby you mean?" She asked, her fingers tracing patterns across his chest.
"Yeah, he's pretty insistent that it's what I really want."
"Is it?" She asked sitting forward to look at him.
"No it isn't. I told him that but he's still pushin' me toward it and he doesn't seem to want to let it go. Yesterday he gives me all the reasons why it would be best if you and me were together instead of him and me. Then he asks me yes or no if I want to marry you. I tell him no. It's not what I want, and it's not what you want. Everything's fine 'til this mornin' when he sees you out there and he starts all over again with the questions." He drew her in and kissed her forehead. "I gotta tell ya this; thanks for letting me finish what I started back there. I haven't been able to do that for a while and I was gettin really frustrated you know?"
She chuckled at his awkward timing. Choosing to thank her for sex just now in the in the middle of such a serious sentence was yet another strange part of his personality that she loved. "You're welcome, and I know the frustration." She relaxed back against his chest.
He continued. "I know he's stubborn, but this time he just won't quit and I can't deal with it anymore. I just want to be happy with this. I love him so much. I was a fool for lettin' him take me this far. God, I was stupid. I'm always endin' up alone and I never ever see it comin'."
She traced her hand across his cheek. "You aren't alone, Charlie, and I think you're wrong about him. I can't believe he would play you this far into the game and then be able to just turn and walk away. Maybe if it was just sex. Maybe even if you had something he could take from you besides your heart I could see what you're saying is true. But, even then, he would have been gone years ago. I can't believe Jon works that way, he'd bend over backward before he'd hurt anybody, especially you. Maybe he just needs time to think this through. Make sure its right for him."
He disagreed. "I thought we'd already done that. We didn't make this choice in a day and he's had all this time since it happened to say something."
"But theory has a little different taste than reality."
"I'm not gettin' your meanin' there."
"When I opened the door and you saw me, you were thrilled. Jon had a different look, more like panic. Think about it Charlie, he's uncomfortable being in the same room with me and he's only touched my belly when you've forced him to. Maybe he's just afraid of what he has gotten himself into..."
"No. He knew exactly what he was gettin' into."
"Really? I think you may be wrong about that. I thought I knew exactly what I was getting into. I thought I knew what this was going to take, but I really had no idea. I didn't know I'd be spending my days throwing up and my nights running to the bathroom every ten minutes to pee. I may as well have moved in there for the first four months. Now I still have to pee all the time, I can't sleep, everything in my body aches because its being stretched to the limit, then there's the cramping and kicking, not to mention the emotional roller coaster I've been on for six and a half months; I had no idea. I'm sure it's only going to get worse."
He pulled her into a hug. "Why didn't you say something?"
She laughed. "Because there's nothing either one of you can do to change it. Would you really have wanted to hear all the complaints and misery I've been through with this? I don't know, Charlie, but I'm beginning to think that if I had known it was going to take this much to give this to both of you I might have just kept it for myself and..."
His eyes sparked with revelation; "He's afraid you're going to keep it."
"What?"
"He's afraid you're going to keep the baby, and me too that's why he's pushin' me toward you, he just wants to see how far I'll take it. He's jealous."
"I don't know, maybe, but maybe he's just afraid to have a baby. It scares the hell out of me knowing she'll have to be cared for it for the rest of her life. I'm not sure I'm capable and maybe he's not sure either. Doesn't that frighten you at all?"
He smiled at her question as if it were a silly one to ask; "No, it doesn't scare me. I guess I just don't think that far ahead because sometimes you just don't get forever. You gotta take what you're given when it's given and enjoy it all you can while you got it."
"And now I remember why we love you." She smiled. "Give him time, Charlie, he'll be back. He loves you too much to stay away."
"I said some pretty nasty stuff."
"Maybe you did, and maybe it was a wake up call for him. Sometimes they can be pretty tough to take."
******
Jon showered letting the warm water caress his body recalling the wonderful patterns Trip would trace over his bare skin when they were together. He had been being denying Trip that pleasure for a long while and the pangs of guilt started settling in around him. How unreasonable he had been to push the only thing in this world he wanted so far away from his reach because he was anxious about becoming a father. How could he ever have thought that the few nights Trip had spent with her trying to create their child could compare to the lifetime he and Trip had spent together?
He had asked Trip if he loved her. Trip's answer was yes, with the question being re-asked of Jon. Jon's answer came back the same, but where Trip never gave it a second thought; he had picked it up and ran with it. So unrelenting was his need to control the situation and not be hurt in the process that he had tried to dissolve his love. Tried to push Trip toward something none of them wanted. A neat little package tied with a bow. A mother, a father, and a child. Something he had set in motion and this way something he had also controlled.
He made his trek to the transport connection and waited at the platform where he watched a little girl with her father trying to catch a butterfly that flittered through the flowers in the Center Square. He caught the attention of the father and gave him a quick smile as the daughter was lifted higher and the butterfly made its escape into the air. The father then brought his daughter to the platform and smiled at Jon.
"On your way home to your family?" He asked of Jon.
"Just a better half so far, we're due for the family part in about eight weeks." The answer left him feeling a bit uncomfortable but in a good way.
The father smiled back at him. "Getting quite close to the end then aren't you? You didn't happen to be running away by any chance?"
"No." He lied.
"Good. I did with this one and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. Thankfully they hunted me down and took me back in just before she was born. We've had two more since."
"Quite the family then." Jon said and smiled at the little girl. "Going home, or on a visit today?" He asked her.
"We been at grandmas, going home to daddy now, right daddy?" She quipped with question.
Jon looked up at the father in a different light now. "Two fathers?" He asked, just to be sure he had heard right. The other man nodded yes with a smile. "Me too," he said relaxing a bit; "anything else you might want to share about running away? I could certainly use some advice."
******
She was on the beach with Trip giving him control of her kite. Jon watched as she stood in front of him and waited for him to position his hands to slip into the reigns and take it from her. She continued to guide the kite gently until he gained enough self-assurance with it for her to let it go.
Trip flew the kite with confident mastery, and Jon likened it to the way she would pass the child on to them, gently guiding them through until she was sure she could fully let go. He smiled as he watched her, marveling at the selfless being she must be to have agreed to put herself through this for them. The kite master glanced up the beach catching the gaze of his lover there on the deck. His forehand dropped and the kite faltered, dipped, and fell into a nosedive headed toward the water's edge.
"Damn it!" He swore trying desperately to regain control.
She laughed as the kite hit the sand just at the surf. "I told you he was coming back." She said reaching out for the reigns, which he fast handed over.
In a heartbeat he was gone from the shoreline and back in Jon's arms.
She watched the two of them as they kissed and fondled their way blindly into the house and she was sure back into their bed. She smiled and put the kite back in the air with a reaffirmed feeling that she was doing the right thing and the baby girl she was birthing for them would have a family she could be proud of.
Jon kissed an exhausted Trip as he lay there breathing beside him. He had been running away from his young lover and his child for fear that they would leave him for something far better. Someone like her. Someone who held the promise of a more normal existence. But if he really thought about it, nothing in his life had ever been normal. 'Existence relies not on normality but those things that feel right' he thought. He stroked Trip's hair and felt the whisper of a moan against his chest. This felt right and good and he was now sure the child would only add to that feeling.
===/\=== WARNING :: Male Sexual Pairing :: WARNING ===/\===
HER
A limp and frustrated Trip Tucker pulled back from his lover and rolled onto his side next to him; "Jesus, Jon, I think that's the third time since we've been here that you've done this to me isn't it? You wait 'til I'm all worked up and ready to go and then you pull this shit, I'm startin' to think you're doing it on purpose. You coulda just as easily said something before you were satisfied or at the very least waited 'til after I was."
Jon rolled onto his side facing away from his angry lover and pushed himself upright, he swung his legs off the bed and stood up taking an indignant stance, his back still toward his lover. "I'm sorry Trip. I really am. But, I did say something to you about this yesterday. You just didn't want to hear it."
Trip sat upright in Jon's direction letting his feet dangle off the bed. "So, we're going with that one again? The one where you tell me I don't care enough to really listen to you?"
"Something like that." Jon murmured more to himself than to the man asking the question.
"Well, you know what, Jon? Fuck you!" The wounded man fired back and then snorted in frustration; "or as it's happenin' lately; don't fuck you. Jesus, what is it with you?"
He shifted on his feet. "Nothing, I would just like you to see it from my point of view."
Trip snorted. "You know that isn't what you want; what you want is for me to do whatever the hell you tell me and you know it! I really hoped we were gonna play this game again today Jon, because it sure was fun yesterday!"
"That's not what I meant and you know it." Jon's arms crossed in front of him.
"Then what did you mean?" Trip asked, his voice was calmer but his anger still unwilling to move.
"I don't know." He replied, his arms still folded, his back still rigid and tears forming in his eyes.
"You don't know what you meant, but you didn't mean that?" Trip asked with a bit of frustration coming through though he tried hard not to let it.
Jon answered. "We've been through this so many times Trip; you know what I meant."
Trip tried his best to remain calm. "Enlighten me, Jon. I'm confused here, I thought the conversation you're referrin' to was finally over. You asked me what I wanted; I answered you, end of discussion. Now you're gonna tell me this whole thing just now with us went from good to bad in a heartbeat because you didn't like my answer from yesterday? Damn fine timin' to bring it up now don't ya think?"
Jon stiffened his back squared off his shoulders and exhaled loudly.
Trip waited hoping Jon would soften and turn but Jon never budged and Trip's pained anger met again with his frustration. "Look, Jon, this has got to stop. I have the right to make my own choices whether you agree with them or not and I'm tired of always bein' pushed to change because you think I'm wrong. I can't play that way." Trip sighed, then changed his statement; "No, wait, that's wrong Jon; I can play that way. I can let you have total control over me, but you know you wouldn't like that any better."
"I'm not asking for control over you; things are just different now that's all."
Trip disagreed. "Things aren't different, Jon. You're different. Nobody asked you to step in and rearrange this situation. Not her, and not me. If you wanna know the truth you seem to be the only one havin' a problem finishin' what we started here."
"Oh? And you haven't been just a bit on edge since we got here?"
Trip's anger flew. "Hell, yeah I'm on edge and I'll tell ya why, Jon, it's because you keep playin' me like this, getting' me just so far and then just walkin' away. Jesus it's frustratin' as hell for me, either you want me or you don't want me, but I gotta know what it's gonna be. You can't just keep pulling me into your web just to me leave hangin' there with my hands tied assumin' that I'll wait for you." He suddenly had a revelation and grunted frustration; "Oh shit!" He sucked in a long breath and let it out. God, I am such a dunce! I see it now; I'm the stupid ass here right? I'm the one who believes what you tell me is true. I'm the one who keeps comin back for the bait even when I oughta know it's just another god dammed trap. God, I am so slow to learn at this shit. Why do I never see it comin? Tell Trip you love him, reel his heart in and work him over good. You know you can because he's too damn stupid to realize you're just usin' him 'til you got somethin' better ta go home to."
He stood from the bed firmly planting his feet on the floor and crossed his arms tightly. Then, with sudden resolve, he spoke; "I want you out. You have got to get out of this room now Jon. I can't talk to you when you're like this and I guess I've never told you what you wanna hear anyway. I can't do this with you anymore. You have got to get out."
Jon's arms dropped to his side, the tears now running down his cheeks. This was not what he wanted, but he couldn't make himself face Trip right now - everything Trip had said was, to a certain degree, true. His attention turned toward something on the beach outside of the bedroom window. It was her. She was reason for his hesitation in letting himself go through this plan fully and completely. "What about her?" He asked.
Trip glanced through the window at the girl on the beach. "What about her? You're worried about her? What about us, Jon? Get a clue; she isn't the problem here."
He stopped himself and let out a strong sigh. Maybe Jon really thought she was the problem and maybe he should try to listen again for something he missed from Jon the last time they talked about it.
"Look, Jon, if you wanna talk about her, I'm more than willing to do that. But you have gotta tell me what's really going on in that heart of yours. If you're just gonna keep frettin' about something you have no control over I don't see any reason to..."
Jon swung around to face Trip with fists raised and shouted, "You bastard! Fuck you!" He wanted to say more, a lot more. But he restrained himself and, needing focus on something other than Trip, angrily bent to pick up his clothing.
Trip had thought he was making a genuine offer to his lover, he had never expected that kind of reaction from Jon and he concealed his hurt with sarcasm; "Fuck you huh?" Trip scoffed. "Don't promise me things you aren't willing to give me, Jon."
Jon swung up clenching his hands tightly around the clothing he held, Trip thought for sure he would swing and readied himself to duck. Instead Jon locked his jaw tightly and sucked back the fire that was about to flare from his nostrils.
Trip sat himself back on the bed and watched as the angry man forcefully dressed in silence and took his leave. "Goddamned asshole!" He said as the door slammed shut and shattered his strength into uncontainable tears.
*******
She was on the beach flying a kite and Jon recalled that it was the same thing she had been doing the day he had introduced her to Trip. Kite flying was something she always swore relaxed her but it had never served to give him much more than a stiff neck and a sore left shoulder. His muscles tightened just watching her there, doubling on top of the twisted knots that had occurred just moments before.
He thought it might be better to just leave a note on the monitor instead of verbally telling her he was leaving. He knew she would realize something was not right. Nothing had been right since they had arrived on her doorstep four days ago and all of this suddenly became real. She looked from the kite to catch him standing there on the deck watching her. Damn it! He thought, and tried another tactic.
"Taking the transport into the city for the night, do you need anything?" He called, trying to be relaxed about it.
"Don't think so; check the fridge though." She called back.
"I will." He forced a smile; that was too easy.
"Charlie too?"
He sighed, he had been right - it had been too easy - he hoped she wouldn't ask him to explain. "Not this time,"
"Really? Why not?" She asked, and then, as if through his insistence, her kite dipped and faltered taking her attention away from him. "Shit!" She yelped, and struggled to gain control of the kite before she lost it in the water. She found him gone when she finally returned her gaze to the deck. "Damn it." She mumbled and began to reel the kite in guessing at the reason for the single departure.
Jon boarded the morning transport into the city intent on entering the first bar he found there and spending intensive time in it gathering or drowning his thoughts, whichever came first.
******
She came up from the beach climbing the short staircase to the deck and propped the kite in the corner, slipped off her shoes and entered the house. It was quiet inside now; quite different than the noisy sexual play she had awoken to. She smiled at the fact that the two of them were so bold in such a small open space as this, but then again the two of them had never been a secret with her.
She quietly gathered the items she needed to make a pot of coffee and assumed that a worn out Charlie had simply gone back to sleep afterward, and Jon had let him be. Still she wondered why he had made the lone trek into the city; it wasn't like Jon to go anywhere alone unless there was a problem. She poured the water into the coffee-pot and a sudden inkling told her that she should peek in on Charlie just to make certain that things were ok.
The door was shut but it was not locked when she tried the knob, an indication that it was ok to open it. She pushed it open just enough to see him sleeping there and returned to her coffee.
******
Jon walked four blocks from the transport drop off before he found an open bar and then decided to pass it. His mulling over all of his conversations with Trip on the way had resulted in some new questions. The fact that it was really too early for a drink didn't bother him as much as the fact that he wasn't quite ready to deal with the liquor's enhancement of his control issues just yet. He walked on another few blocks finding himself in front of a toy store with a display of tiny kites in the window. A sudden warmth caressed his heart and he went in to look around.
******
It was late afternoon and she had yet to see Charlie save for one trip to the bathroom. She put down her book and went to the door pushing it open a crack to listen for his breathing and then a bit more when she didn't hear it to see that he was actually there. He was naked seated in the middle of the bed, covered knees pulled up against his chest, his folded arms resting against them and his gaze extending somewhere far beyond where he was.
"Watching the waves?" She quietly asked.
He didn't turn from his gaze, simply tipped the hand most toward her with a rocking motion to signify his answer was 'yes and no'.
The only thing this told her was that he was not being his loveable and teasing self. Maybe he had just awoken and was still adjusting, she thought, but, because of Jon's departure, something told her he was upset.
"Want some company?"
Again his fingers were her only indication as they curled with a motion that told her she could enter.
"You ok?" She asked after she had situated herself on the bed next to him.
He said nothing but reached down and interlaced his fingers with hers. She turned her hand over to grip his and waited for his verbal reasoning.
"Not feeling well?" She finally asked when his silence began to bother her.
"I'm ok, just sore."
"Having a little too much fun with Jon the past few days are we?" She teased. He shot back a pain filled expression that that took her quite by surprise.
She had no way of knowing that what she had just asked him couldn't have been farther from the truth. He realized she didn't even have an inkling that he had told his lover to leave. Nor did she understand that he was sure his lover would never return. She could only tell by his immediate and sharp reaction that it wasn't something she should have teased about just then.
She thought it better not to question his response and changed the subject. "How about I make you something to eat?"
He wrinkled his nose.
"Something to drink?" Her counter offer.
Again he wrinkled his nose.
She sighed. "Ok, I can just sit here with you if that's what you want, or I can give you a backrub while you watch those waves hit the beach.
He smiled; "that would be nice."
"Oil, lotion, or bare?"
"Oil."
"Be right back." She kissed his cheek and exited, returning just as quickly with the bottled oil, very happy to have something to occupy the time spent with Charlie Tucker's silence. She climbed back up on the bed and positioned herself behind him, warmed the oil in her palms and pressed them into his back. He sighed and leaned into her hands as she worked her way from between his shoulder blades toward his neck and back down.
After several minutes tears began to roll from his eyes. "He's not coming back, you know that, don't you?"
She stopped rubbing. "What?" She asked, a little surprised that this was the problem.
"I told him he was using me, then I told him to get out." He sucked in a quick breath to stop himself from falling to pieces there with her.
"Is that what you really wanted?" She asked, hoping it wasn't. She could tell by the uneven breaths he was taking that he was about to lose control and braced herself against the headboard for her own support.
"I don't know." He said turning onto his side before falling against her comforts. She took him into her arms holding him against her chest gently stroking him until the sobbing subsided and he regained control.
He spoke softly opening his broken heart. "I never lied to him about any of this. Ever. He knew what I wanted and where I was headed with this and he made me think he wanted it too. Now I gotta think he only wanted the sex part, and know what? I don't think he even wants that anymore."
Her mind whirled around his words. She thought she knew exactly where the two of them were headed too. She had been convinced they would always be there together and that was the only reason she had agreed to do this for them. If there was no longer a couple here what would happen to her in all of this. Would she be left to care for something they had started? This was something she hadn't prepared for at all, something she never expected.
"Are you sure, Charlie? Because maybe you're seeing something that really isn't there."
He looked up at her and met her gaze. "I wish I wasn't sure but he's been pushing me away ever since we got here. I think now that it's real and he sees what this is really gonna take, he doesn't want it any more."
"Maybe he's just afraid of this, Charlie; maybe the two of you just need to talk about it."
He grunted a snort; "All we've been doin' is talkin' about this. I thought Jon and I both wanted this. Now I don't know what he wants anymore. Maybe he never wanted any of this in the first place and I just wouldn't listen."
"Damn it!" She slipped, she hadn't meant to voice her own torment out loud. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work." She whispered a tear falling from her eye.
He kissed it from her cheek and moved over to place a kiss on her lips.
She turned from him and he pulled her back and kissed her anyway. Tears ran down her face as she let herself dissolve into his touch.
His kiss suddenly became violent with need and she pushed him away.
"We can't do this Charlie; it's not right." She turned to go and he pulled her back to himself. "What about Jon?" She questioned as he pinned her underneath himself.
"I don't belong to him, and he's not comin' back. I can't let him come back this time." He moved to kiss her lips and she turned her head, he persisted by kissing her elsewhere.
She could feel herself responding to his touch, her body beginning to ache for him and she wanted desperately to let it happen but she couldn't. "He will come back, you know he will and you won't be able to live with yourself for cheating him like this."
His kisses stopped. "I'm not cheatin' him of anythin', I'd be givin' this to him but he doesn't want it from me anymore."
"This morning?" She asked, his mouth hovering over hers.
His eyes looked back at her with the same pain she had seen earlier. "This mornin? This mornin I knew it was over."
"But it's not over; it can't be over because it's not over for me. I can't just quit with this. I'm stuck..." She tried to say as his mouth covered hers and she returned his kiss.
His hand ran up under her shirt playing softly across her belly making its way downward. "I won't make ya do this alone, I still want this and I'll be here for you, you know that."
"I know." She whispered back. "I just thought that it would be..."
His mouth again muffled her words as he pushed himself inside of her and she gave in to him.
******
Jon felt uncomfortable there alone at the cafe table and tried to eat his dinner in an inconspicuous manner. He had skipped the bars and intentionally made himself miss the last transport. He didn't want to go back with anything left unresolved in his head or his heart. Trip was right. He did need to have control. Not necessarily control over his lover, but control over the situations in his life that were uncomfortable. Where there was no control or sense of order he somehow ceased to function favorably.
He realized also that he had been seeking reassurance that things were going in the right direction. Reassurance that his lover wasn't going to leave him for her. Today looking through the toy store it suddenly hit him that that kind of reassurance is something no one can ever really give you. People in your life come and go on a daily basis, some even after they've made their promises to be with you forever. He recalled his father making that promise and the instant the memory hit, he realized that he was afraid to make the same promises to his own child.
When she opened the door and he saw her standing there with the child in her belly it finally made it real. It wasn't a theory any more, not a 'what if we', or a 'maybe we can'; it was reality. It was a reality he wanted more than anything in the world. It was also a reality that he now realized had made him feel totally and helplessly inadequate.
*****
She woke up still in his bed as the twilight filtered shadows through the room. He was not with her. She sat up leaning against the headboard peering through the window out onto the water and wondered why she had never taken over this room instead of keeping the one that looked out onto the drive.
His voice came quietly from the shadows. "We still friends?" He asked. "I really never intended forcin' myself on you like that."
"I would've said so if I had wanted it to stop." She lifted the covers inviting him back into bed and he climbed in next to her. She snuggled against his chest. "I forgot how much I loved you."
This felt good to him, being here with her opening up his heart. She always knew how to listen and he had forgotten how much he loved her as well. "Me too," he said. His hand toyed with her hair for a long while.
"He tells me I should marry you, did you know that?" He finally asked.
"Because of the baby you mean?" She asked, her fingers tracing patterns across his chest.
"Yeah, he's pretty insistent that it's what I really want."
"Is it?" She asked sitting forward to look at him.
"No it isn't. I told him that but he's still pushin' me toward it and he doesn't seem to want to let it go. Yesterday he gives me all the reasons why it would be best if you and me were together instead of him and me. Then he asks me yes or no if I want to marry you. I tell him no. It's not what I want, and it's not what you want. Everything's fine 'til this mornin' when he sees you out there and he starts all over again with the questions." He drew her in and kissed her forehead. "I gotta tell ya this; thanks for letting me finish what I started back there. I haven't been able to do that for a while and I was gettin really frustrated you know?"
She chuckled at his awkward timing. Choosing to thank her for sex just now in the in the middle of such a serious sentence was yet another strange part of his personality that she loved. "You're welcome, and I know the frustration." She relaxed back against his chest.
He continued. "I know he's stubborn, but this time he just won't quit and I can't deal with it anymore. I just want to be happy with this. I love him so much. I was a fool for lettin' him take me this far. God, I was stupid. I'm always endin' up alone and I never ever see it comin'."
She traced her hand across his cheek. "You aren't alone, Charlie, and I think you're wrong about him. I can't believe he would play you this far into the game and then be able to just turn and walk away. Maybe if it was just sex. Maybe even if you had something he could take from you besides your heart I could see what you're saying is true. But, even then, he would have been gone years ago. I can't believe Jon works that way, he'd bend over backward before he'd hurt anybody, especially you. Maybe he just needs time to think this through. Make sure its right for him."
He disagreed. "I thought we'd already done that. We didn't make this choice in a day and he's had all this time since it happened to say something."
"But theory has a little different taste than reality."
"I'm not gettin' your meanin' there."
"When I opened the door and you saw me, you were thrilled. Jon had a different look, more like panic. Think about it Charlie, he's uncomfortable being in the same room with me and he's only touched my belly when you've forced him to. Maybe he's just afraid of what he has gotten himself into..."
"No. He knew exactly what he was gettin' into."
"Really? I think you may be wrong about that. I thought I knew exactly what I was getting into. I thought I knew what this was going to take, but I really had no idea. I didn't know I'd be spending my days throwing up and my nights running to the bathroom every ten minutes to pee. I may as well have moved in there for the first four months. Now I still have to pee all the time, I can't sleep, everything in my body aches because its being stretched to the limit, then there's the cramping and kicking, not to mention the emotional roller coaster I've been on for six and a half months; I had no idea. I'm sure it's only going to get worse."
He pulled her into a hug. "Why didn't you say something?"
She laughed. "Because there's nothing either one of you can do to change it. Would you really have wanted to hear all the complaints and misery I've been through with this? I don't know, Charlie, but I'm beginning to think that if I had known it was going to take this much to give this to both of you I might have just kept it for myself and..."
His eyes sparked with revelation; "He's afraid you're going to keep it."
"What?"
"He's afraid you're going to keep the baby, and me too that's why he's pushin' me toward you, he just wants to see how far I'll take it. He's jealous."
"I don't know, maybe, but maybe he's just afraid to have a baby. It scares the hell out of me knowing she'll have to be cared for it for the rest of her life. I'm not sure I'm capable and maybe he's not sure either. Doesn't that frighten you at all?"
He smiled at her question as if it were a silly one to ask; "No, it doesn't scare me. I guess I just don't think that far ahead because sometimes you just don't get forever. You gotta take what you're given when it's given and enjoy it all you can while you got it."
"And now I remember why we love you." She smiled. "Give him time, Charlie, he'll be back. He loves you too much to stay away."
"I said some pretty nasty stuff."
"Maybe you did, and maybe it was a wake up call for him. Sometimes they can be pretty tough to take."
******
Jon showered letting the warm water caress his body recalling the wonderful patterns Trip would trace over his bare skin when they were together. He had been being denying Trip that pleasure for a long while and the pangs of guilt started settling in around him. How unreasonable he had been to push the only thing in this world he wanted so far away from his reach because he was anxious about becoming a father. How could he ever have thought that the few nights Trip had spent with her trying to create their child could compare to the lifetime he and Trip had spent together?
He had asked Trip if he loved her. Trip's answer was yes, with the question being re-asked of Jon. Jon's answer came back the same, but where Trip never gave it a second thought; he had picked it up and ran with it. So unrelenting was his need to control the situation and not be hurt in the process that he had tried to dissolve his love. Tried to push Trip toward something none of them wanted. A neat little package tied with a bow. A mother, a father, and a child. Something he had set in motion and this way something he had also controlled.
He made his trek to the transport connection and waited at the platform where he watched a little girl with her father trying to catch a butterfly that flittered through the flowers in the Center Square. He caught the attention of the father and gave him a quick smile as the daughter was lifted higher and the butterfly made its escape into the air. The father then brought his daughter to the platform and smiled at Jon.
"On your way home to your family?" He asked of Jon.
"Just a better half so far, we're due for the family part in about eight weeks." The answer left him feeling a bit uncomfortable but in a good way.
The father smiled back at him. "Getting quite close to the end then aren't you? You didn't happen to be running away by any chance?"
"No." He lied.
"Good. I did with this one and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. Thankfully they hunted me down and took me back in just before she was born. We've had two more since."
"Quite the family then." Jon said and smiled at the little girl. "Going home, or on a visit today?" He asked her.
"We been at grandmas, going home to daddy now, right daddy?" She quipped with question.
Jon looked up at the father in a different light now. "Two fathers?" He asked, just to be sure he had heard right. The other man nodded yes with a smile. "Me too," he said relaxing a bit; "anything else you might want to share about running away? I could certainly use some advice."
******
She was on the beach with Trip giving him control of her kite. Jon watched as she stood in front of him and waited for him to position his hands to slip into the reigns and take it from her. She continued to guide the kite gently until he gained enough self-assurance with it for her to let it go.
Trip flew the kite with confident mastery, and Jon likened it to the way she would pass the child on to them, gently guiding them through until she was sure she could fully let go. He smiled as he watched her, marveling at the selfless being she must be to have agreed to put herself through this for them. The kite master glanced up the beach catching the gaze of his lover there on the deck. His forehand dropped and the kite faltered, dipped, and fell into a nosedive headed toward the water's edge.
"Damn it!" He swore trying desperately to regain control.
She laughed as the kite hit the sand just at the surf. "I told you he was coming back." She said reaching out for the reigns, which he fast handed over.
In a heartbeat he was gone from the shoreline and back in Jon's arms.
She watched the two of them as they kissed and fondled their way blindly into the house and she was sure back into their bed. She smiled and put the kite back in the air with a reaffirmed feeling that she was doing the right thing and the baby girl she was birthing for them would have a family she could be proud of.
Jon kissed an exhausted Trip as he lay there breathing beside him. He had been running away from his young lover and his child for fear that they would leave him for something far better. Someone like her. Someone who held the promise of a more normal existence. But if he really thought about it, nothing in his life had ever been normal. 'Existence relies not on normality but those things that feel right' he thought. He stroked Trip's hair and felt the whisper of a moan against his chest. This felt right and good and he was now sure the child would only add to that feeling.