"These things lie."
"It's just a fortune."
"It's lying, Pinky. It says I am going to journey to a far-away land."
"Maybe you will one day."
"The last thing I need is to be relocated just because a stupid cookie predicted it." Perry tossed his fortune cookie back into a bowl on the table and turned the fortune over in his hands. "What's this?"
"Your lucky number should be on the back."
Perry looked up at the ceiling. "Of course."
"What?" Pinky asked.
"It says thirteen."
"Seriously?"
Perry handed him the fortune.
"Wow. It does. Well, these things aren't always true."
"So you admit it, then."
Pinky sighed. "Fine, the fortune lied."
"The fortune AND the cookie lied. They lied together. I chose the cookie and it GAVE me the lying fortune that was inside of it. Therefore, the cookie is guilty by association. The cookie is a liar."
"That's probably the first time anyone has accused a cookie of being guilty by association. Are you going to eat that, by the way?" Pinky pointed at the cookie, which lay broken in the bowl.
"No. They taste weird."
"Okay. So, what are you doing for Christmas?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like, what are you doing to celebrate? Are you going to the O.W.C.A party again, or…"
"I am not going back there. Monogram ate Frosty's nose."
"…Or are you celebrating with your family?"
"The second one. Phineas and Ferb like it when I'm home."
Pinky looked confused for a moment. Then he nodded. "Oh. Okay."
"Why'd you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Take too long to respond?"
"It doesn't matter how long I take to respond."
"Your brain had to register something there for a second. Which means I said something weird."
"Well…" Pinky poked at his tofu with a chopstick. "By your family… I didn't really mean Phineas and Ferb."
"My other family? Pinky, my mother and my sibs don't even know what Christmas is. To them, it's just another sunshiney day. If you don't believe me, ask my brother Pablo what he's doing on the twenty-fifth. I'm ninety-nine percent sure he'll say he's going to be eating pancakies."
"Not them either."
Perry thought for a minute. "Doofenshmirtz? I hate to break it to you, Pinky, but he and I aren't really related."
"Your… other family. You know… Pal and stuff."
"Oh, right. Them. Nah, I'm just gonna be at home."
"Why?"
"Call me insane, but I much prefer hanging out with the boys than looking after a juvenile delinquent."
"Maybe Pal's calmed down since the last time you saw him."
"The older he gets, the more dangerous he becomes." Perry cracked open another fortune cookie. "You tend to frighten away tourists. Oh great, now the fortunes are just insulting me."
"Agent P, is this your letter?"
Perry turned around in his chair to face Monogram, who was waving a piece of paper in the air.
Perry nodded.
"It's a very good letter. But I'm afraid your penmanship is still a little off." Monogram whipped out a red pen and laid the letter down on a desk. "You see, that O there is much too ovaley. It needs to be more circley. And the end of this H needs to be closer to the beginning…"
Perry sighed.
"There. That's better." Monogram held up the letter again. "I see this is a request to take a day off to shop for presents? I'll see if I can approve it later."
The phone rang. Monogram thrust the letter into Perry's hand and rushed to answer it.
Perry looked at his letter. Almost every word had red pen streaks across it. Nothing was ever good enough for Monogram.
"I… I can try to… I mean, I will. I will. Okay." Monogram hung up. "Well, Perry, it turns out I can approve that shopping request after all. It was actually very well-written, by the way. You could probably make it into a novel."
Perry raised an eyebrow.
"Um… I need a favor."
Perry smirked. So that's what all of that random flattery was about.
"A friend of mine, who works with animal television, lost his lead for his dishwashing detergent commercial and… ah… he thought you would be perfect. So, I'll get Agent R to fill in for you today… if you do it."
Perry folded his arms.
"Would you do it if I also threw in a free coffee mug?"
Perry stood up and shook Monogram's hand.
"Thank you. Thank you. I'll call him back."
"Okay, so all I need you to do is say 'I used Bubbly-Wubbly detergent'. It's amazing, right? No, YOU'RE amazing." Director Morris handed Perry a bottle of Bubbly-Wubbly detergent. "Go on now, honey."
Perry walked onto the set. No way was he saying "Bubbly" and "Wubbly" in the same sentence.
"AAAANNND- ACTION!" Said Morris.
A white cat sprang onto the set. She smiled at the camera and did a little spin.
"CUT!" Morris said. "Caterina, honey, why are you dancing?"
Caterina shrugged.
"Okay, honey, never mind. Go on back. Let's try that again. And ACTION!"
Caterina went over to the counter on the set and picked up a shimmering glass. "Dear, how did you get these dishes so clean and shiny?"
"I bought new ones!" Perry said.
A few animals who had been watching started to laugh.
"CUT!" Morris shook his head. "Honey, that's not your line."
"How does he know what I'm saying?" Perry whispered to Caterina.
"He's animal-obsessed. He's studied practically every animal sound in the world and knows what they all mean." Caterina explained.
"Let's try it again." Morris said. "ACTION!"
"Dear, how did you get these dishes so clean and shiny?" Caterina asked.
"I used this stuff." Perry half-heartedly held up the detergent bottle.
Caterina looked over at Morris, who was frowning. "And… what's it called?" She asked.
Morris smiled and gave Perry an encouraging nod.
Perry looked at the front of the bottle. "I dunno. I suddenly lost my eyesight. Would you mind reading it for me?"
Morris sighed. "CUT. Honey, if you don't want to say the name of the detergent, we'll edit it in later. No need to add in all that."
"That's so cool you're in a commercial!" Devon the dog said.
Perry, Devon and Pinky were all staring at Perry's phone.
The phone screen showed a fake kitchen, with Perry standing next to a dishwasher. Caterina pranced in and picked up a glass.
"Dear, how did you get these dishes so clean and shiny?"
"I bought new ones!"
A picture of the detergent appeared on the screen.
"Never buy a new dish again! Buy Bubbly-Wubbly dish detergent! Washes so clean, you'll think it's a whole new dish!"
"All ad-libbed." Perry said proudly. "Unfortunately, it isn't as funny, now that they put in that whole thing at the end."
"Bubbly-Wubbly!" Devon burst into laughter. "I bet they named it that so they can have a good laugh anytime someone asks to buy it!"
"Speaking of buying stuff, I'm going Christmas shopping tomorrow." Perry switched off his phone. "Either of you want to come with?"
"Can't. Poofenplotz schemes on random days of the week, and tomorrow is one of them." Pinky said. "I have to fight her again."
"She creeps me out." Devon said. "I'll go with."
"To fight Poofenplotz?" Pinky asked.
"NOOO. To go shopping." Devon held up his hands and backed away from Pinky. "I'm not going anywhere near that crazy lady."
"I have a list of people to shop for." Perry pulled a long piece of paper out of his fur pocket. "Phineas, Ferb, Candace, Monogram, Carl, Doofenshmirtz, you two, Agent C, Agent B, Agent D, Agent L, Agent W, Agent E, Agent A, Agent T…"
"I'm dizzy." Devon said.
"Maybe you should just get all the agents a piece of chocolate or something." Pinky said.
"Where's the fun in that? I have to get them stuff that is their thing."
"How do you know what that is? You don't even KNOW Agent L."
"Of course I do. His name's Leo, right?"
"Agent Liz is a GIRL."
"Right. Well, I'll get all that information later." Perry stuffed his list back in his pocket.