To Bite or not to Bite?
THE NEW SOAP OPERA!
Episode One
Christmas at the Cullens…
SCENE ONE
The Cullens
(Carlisle enters the room, humming to himself)
Carlisle: Oh, the joys of Christmas!
(Emmett, sitting on the couch across the room, looks up)
Emmett: As if…
(Alice walks in)
Alice: Edward is bringing Bella over soon!
(Rosalie rolls her eyes)
(Doorbell rings)
Esme: Now, now Rosalie, behave yourself.
Rosalie: Pfft. You're not my mother.
(all gasp)
(Edward and Bella enter)
(meteor falls from the sky, Rosalie looks up hopefully. Alas, the meteor lands instead on the piano)
Edward: (bursting into venomous tears) MY BABY! MY PRECIOUS!
Bella: No, I'm your precious! (stomps on his foot) Ow!
(Nobody notices)
Jasper: Come thou, why doth thou inflict such pain on mine own brother?
But soft! What light through yonder teeth inflames mine eyes?
It is the Listerine, and Edward's is the sparkles.
Ay, that light, which to our eyes burns.
Bella: (totally not understanding) YOU PIG!
Jasper: Ay, and thou art also an animal that cometh from the countryside!
That gives us such sweet diary nourishment!
Edward: (gasp)
Bella: Yeah well, art thou livery crappeth thee skthei tggkhvsd seidskjdsn!
Jasper: Such blasphemy that cometh from thine own tongue!
You jest at mine words,
For thou hath not learned such delicate manner of speaking.
Esme: Jasper, enough. Now please, take off the costume.
(Rosalie, Emmett, and Alice erupt in simultaneous laughter)
(Jasper is humiliated)
Jasper: Life is just one crapshoot after another… You love someone, then they make you wear tights. (glares at Alice) Alice, you told me you liked my cultured look!
Alice: (awkwardly…between laughter) Well… (sniggers) I did it for Prank TV.
Jasper: Huh?
(all but Carlisle and Esme scream in unison: GOTCHA!)
Edward: You're on tape!
Bella: (laughs blondly, though she is not blonde)
Jasper: (totally pees his pants) I'm so humiliated.
(exeunt)
Esme: Now, now, do you feel good about yourself Alice?
Alice: Huh, duh! Now Rosalie has to give me her nail polish collection because she thought I couldn't trick Jasper!
(exeunt too)
Bella: (is still laughing blondly)
Edward: (whispers) Stop it, this is embarrassing…
Bella: Oh silly, everyone is embarrassed when they have to be compared to me! I'm just the best human ever!
Rosalie: Humph. Well, you're not a vampire.
Bella: VAMPIRES SUCK!
Emmett: (not understanding) …blood.
Bella: Yes, you IDIOT!
(exeunt, madly and blondly)
(Rosalie and Emmett go upstairs, laughing)
Edward: Was I just dumped?
(exeunt after Bella)
(Esme looks at Carlisle)
Carlisle: Oh, the joys of Christmas!
SCENE TWO
Outside the Cullens'
(Edward finds Bella outside)
Bella: You're here! Okay let's kiss.
Edward: (thinking to himself) Run away, Ed, run away, and never come back!
(talking) But you smell so good… (sigh) alright (kisses her)
Bella: Yay!
(pause, they kiss, then break apart)
Edward: Augh. (looks nauseous)
Bella: (deluding herself into thinking that he is tortured by the fact that she is a better kisser)
Yes, Eddie?
Edward: THE LISTERINE! IT BURNS!
Bella: (hands on hips…which of course, are perfectly toned) WELL! I chose to use mouthwash for YOU. But if you don't like it, well, then I guess I'll just go kiss Jacob.
(exeunt, trips, begins to bleed)
Edward: Bella! (runs after her)
Bella: You've come to save me!
Edward: (pauses) No. I WANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!
(Jacob enters)
Jacob: BACK FIEND!
Edward: (stopped) Gee, can't you take a joke.
(Bella slaps Jacob)
Bella: Honestly, some people.
(Bella and Edward kiss)
Jacob: (rolls eyes)
Bella: Oh, Jacob, you know I love you. You know I am tortured by the fact that you're standing right here as I kiss Edward! Edward, let's go to my room!
(holding hands, Bella and Edward run away)
Jacob: … … um…. She still thinks I like her doesn't she………..I have a thing for little kids now. Pfft.
(exits in opposite direction)
SCENE THREE
Bella's room
(Edward and Bella are exchanging gifts)
Bella: I went to donate blood last week. But instead, I stole my donation to give to you.
Edward: YIPEE!! (eye twitch)
Bella: Here it is! (takes out bottle) Oh dear, it's congealed, do you still want it?
Edward: MY FAVOURITE! (begins to snack)
Bella: Do you mind? That's my blood your eating. (faints)
Edward: Hmm…. (checks her pockets) Oh right, she's not rich, darn it.
(Edward jumps out the window before Bella wakes up and sees)
(two hours later, Bella wakes up)
Bella: Eddikins! Oh well, I'll go have some pancakes in a cereal bowl.