Title: My Immortal
Author: Dark Angel Yahriel
Rating: R
Warnings:: death-suicide, some swearing, general angst, sap?, OOC? O_o;
Pairing(s): Bakura/Ryou
Disclaimer(s): Yugioh is © Takahashi-sensei. I don't make any claim to own the character (as much as I'd like to). I also don't own the song/lyrics/music "My Immortal". Those belong to Evanescence. ^_^
Thank You: Thanks to Sazz for beta-ing! *glomps*
A/N: ... It strikes me as a Bakura/Ryou song? Can something be fluffy, sappy, and depressing? I dunno... Just read. _ Read slowly, btw. It's better like that.
Oh, and listen to the song "My Immortal" while ya do. ^_^
~~~~~~~~~~ = Flashback. I tend to switch POV during flashbacks
Lyrics are italics
... I tend to not use those /thoughts/ things.
My Immortal
Again, he was restless. Bakura just couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about his little Light… "Why, Ryou...? Why..." he whispered to the shadows. Scenes of the past few days haunted him. "I should have known then... Ryou..."
His mind returned to one particular scene. That "outburst"... had been the start of this? But, Ryou did that often. Bakura shook his head, attempting to clear his mind of the memories, the impression of Ryou's voice... and his own guilt.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ryou lay curled up on his bed, hugging his favorite pillow. He didn't even try to hide the tears streaming down his face. "...Pathetic." I thought, "He looks absolutely pathetic..."
"B-Bak-kur-ra?" he asked, voice trembling... was it fear, or from crying? I don't know.
"What?" I grunt. I don't want to deal with his whining right now. In fact, I don't want to deal with it. Period. He needs to learn to get over it.
"I'm so tired of being here..."
I sigh and swallow my pride. I know this... the only way to shut the child up is to "comfort" him. I walk over to his bed, and sit down, but instead of welcoming me; he curls into an even tighter ball.
"That's just... sad..." but I have to feel... something. What? I reach my hand out to brush the tear-damp hair out of his face. He squeezes his eyes closed as my hand approaches his face, but he seems to relax a bit once he realized that I meant no harm - this time.
"Suppressed by all my childish fears..." Ryou opens one eye and looks at me questioningly.
"What AM I doing...?" I pause with my hand still on his cheek. I look from my hand, to his eyes, well, the one I can see. Those big, brown eyes. "What are you asking for, Ryou?" I silently wonder. "What are those beautiful eyes pleading for...?"
"And if you have to leave," he ignored me, and let me continue stroking his face, although I'd already brushed the snowy bangs aside.
"I don't have to go anywhere, Ryou..." I whisper. Calmly. And I mean it. Yet at these words, slight tremors pass through my Light. Inwardly sighing, I re-position myself so I can lay down with him, and embrace my trembling Hikari.
"I wish that you would just leave!" he chokes out. Between the sobs, there is anger in his voice.
"What?" I have to say it out loud. Isn't this what he wants?
He shakes his head, making that silky, white hair graze my face lightly. "'Cause your presence still lingers here..." he mumbled into his pillow. I can just barely understand it; even then, I didn't *understand* it...
"And it won't leave me alone." He squirms half-heartedly, to get me away from him, or himself away from me. But I'm not leaving. If he's that afraid of me disappearing, then I'm going to stay here.
I say the only thing I can think of saying, "Ryou..." and hold him even tighter.
A few moments pass... how I wish they'd last forever... it *is* nice to be holding him. Slowly, his pillow-muffled sobs become less. His body begins to relax against mine. The shaking even lessens. I close my eyes; somewhere I silently wish we could stay like this. Well, on better terms, of course. Yet, part of me still wants to just tell him to shut the hell up so *I* can go to bed. "...He's making me soft," I mentally grumble. My thoughts are pushed aside when he pulls his face out of his pillow.
"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real..."
I didn't think he was referring to the scar I'd given him a year or so ago, during Battle City. I absent-mindedly stroked that arm, tracing the impression... I knew that wasn't the only impression I'd left on him. Or that anyone else had... You don't forget things like that.
"There's just too much that time can not erase..." his already-soft voice trailed off. Truer words had never been spoken.
I didn't have to ask, I just felt his thoughts now: his father all but abandoned him; mother and sister both died in a car accident. Amane... "You really miss Amane, don't you?" I confirm. His sister was his only friend then. That was... my fault, wasn't it? So was everything that had happened to him since, escalating these past three years. "I'm sorry, Ryou," I whisper into his ear as I feel something warm and wet run down my cheek.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Some time later, Ryou woke. He'd just taken the nightmares as normal, by now. Something warm was by him, all around him. His body tensed. Then he felt the warm breath of this "other" on his neck. Bakura's breathing stirred Ryou's hair slightly, and though it was a pleasant feeling to have tickling his neckline, a chill still ran down his spine. "Ryou..." Bakura muttered in his sleep.
Ryou focused on a moonlit spot on the wall. "That's right... why is he still here? I told him to leave, I thought he would." After some consideration of a particularly uninteresting spot, Ryou drew his conclusion, "I made him stay, didn't I? ...I'm always doing that. Making people feel sorry for me. I hate it. I HATE IT!"
Careful not to wake Bakura, Ryou got out of bed. "This has to stop..." he thought. "I really want it too. Just... stop." He found the stairs to the rooftop, where he often sat, just thinking. "I'm sick of always being... like this. The one everyone feels sorry for. Bakura's dead weight. Useless..." he continued to tell himself with each step.
Now on the rooftop, Ryou looked up at the sky. "Make it stop..." he whispered to the stars... or whatever God or Gods might bother with their time of day for him.
He walked to the edge of the building. It was reminiscent of a castle – bench-sized cinderblock, gap, block, gap, and so on. The spaces between the blocks made the perfect seat - hidden from people below, yet he could still watch them.
Again, a familiar idea flitted through Ryou's mind. He was standing on top of a ten-story building. But, it didn't just "flit" this time. It perched and sang to him.
Ryou walked right to the edge of the building. He leaned over to look down, and watched a tear fall... and fall, and fall... He leaned back again so he couldn't see down anymore. A strong breeze whipped up, billowing his hair out, and he spread his arms, as if he could catch the wind and fly away on it. "Die... flying..." he mused under his breath. Again, he leaned over the edge of the building, this time, with his whole body. As he watched the sky tilt into his vision, he murmured, "I'm sorry, everyone."
Bakura awoke with a start when he heard a loud, sickening noise from somewhere outside, and though the sound made his stomach churn, he was still compelled to investigate it. As he moved from the bed, realized something… Ryou was missing. "He probably just got up to piss, and then decided to sleep on the couch" Bakura dismissed it.
Almost down the stairs, Bakura suddenly had the strangest feeling. He couldn't quite put a name to it. Dread? "Thieves don't 'dread'," he told himself. Then what was this cold sensation consuming him? Well, it felt like only half of him. Like an icy hand was clawing at his heart, no his soul.
Grumbling about "drunken bastards disturbing my sleep", he opened the door. He expected to find a half-wreck car, or maybe a street brawl. He *didn't* expect to find a little stream of blood. His eyes swam up that stream, finding its source at an ocean of red that pooled around…
"Oh Rah! Ryou!!!" now Bakura really felt sick. There was his Hikari, crumpled on the sidewalk, lifeless as a rag doll, and just as impossibly bent.
~~~~~~~~~~
Bakura paced to the opposite side of the room, hoping that moving himself from that one spot would make that memory disappear. "Think of something else…" he told himself.
You used to captivate me by your resonating mind
Smiling sadly, Bakura recalled how fascinated with Ryou he'd been. Every. Little. Thing. When he first made omelets that one morning, the way he'd watch the pan. The way his hands were so skilled at chopping carrots and onions and whatever else he wanted to cook. When he scrapped them off the cutting board with the knife, he'd use a little flick of his wrist.
But it wasn't just his actions... it was... something Bakura couldn't quite put his finger on. "Ryou just... resonated Light," he concluded. "My resonating Light..." he whimpered to the floor.
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
He'd never really cared about what Ryou did during school, or his annoying little friends, but somehow Bakura had managed to pull off "Ryou". He'd been going to Domino High as his Light for a few days now. But Bakura didn't have to wonder why. He just didn't want to say it. Saying it, somehow, makes it... real. He refused to realize that no matter how much he acted like Ryou, and tried to live Ryou's life, it wouldn't bring Ryou back. He refused to acknowledge one simple fact.
Bakura sighed and shook his head. "No," he answered to nothing in particular.
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
He couldn't even sleep at night. Not in his own bed... not in Ryou's. He missed that warmth beside him. The soft sounds of his breath. The Dark albino couldn't even close his eyes without hearing that soft breath, it echoed in his mind. As did that horrible image of Ryou's body, bloody and lifeless...
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
"..."
"Ryou?!" Bakura whipped around. See nothing, he let out an aggravated cry. "It's just the lack of sleep... I wish I could sleep..." he told himself. "Maybe if I eat something...?" he considered, remembering he also hadn't eaten in nearly two days.
These wounds won't seem to heal
But to go to the kitchen, he had to go down the hallway. The hallway that led to the stairs that Ryou last climbed...
This pain is just too real
Mentally grumbling, but unable to resist the memory of Ryou, and the hope that somehow, some way, he'd still be up there, just sitting on his "bench", and greet his Dark with a smile.
But as Bakura pushed the door open, no such Ryou greeted him. In fact, no Ryou greeted him at all. There was no sign of the boy. No sign of his beautiful little Light. Bakura felt himself choke on something - something he'd been trying to hold back for days now. But this... "Ryou... he isn't here." This was real. Too real.
There's just too much that time can not erase
"Ryou... isn't here. Ryou..." The Dark fell to his knees, clutching his body, letting two days of pent-up emotions flow free. As he did, his mind tried desperately to bring back any part of Ryou...
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
It was but a few nights ago. He'd only just begun to show compassion for his Light. "Ryou... I... you made me feel again..." he found himself still unable to say it.
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
Farther back, during the Battle City tournament, he'd protected Ryou.
~~~~~~~~~~
Bakura's spirit form watched Ryou from behind as he was given control of his body again. The rush of signals that Bakura had been able to block hit Ryou all at once, causing him to cry out in pain, as he clutched his arm and fell to his knees. Truly, he shouldn't have been out of the hospital, or his Soul Room.
Bakura could hardly stand to see his other half pant "i-itai..." it was so pathetic, yet it struck him on some level. He heard Malik next to him, babbling about having this duel in the bag because of Ryou's state, and Yami's inability to harm his friends.
And I held your hand through all of these years
I conceded a point to that blonde psycho. It WAS a good trick. Just NOT when played on MY Hikari. I gathered my energy, and banished him from our mind, and took control of Ryou again. Weak as he may be, he's still *my* Hikari!
~~~~~~~~~~
But you still have all of me
Thought Bakura had protected Ryou many times physically, he couldn't save him from the psychological damage... "of having a cold, heartless bastard like me for a Yami... but I'm still your Dark. Ryou... I can't..." he didn't want to say it, but, who would witness it, save for these old bricks? "I can't live without you... how can you..." more things Bakura didn't want to admit were real. "... How can you be without me?"
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
He decided to investigate the edge of the building. Solemnly, he walked over to it - the same place where Ryou had been. Carefully, Bakura peered over the edge. There, was that place on the sidewalk where Ryou had been, his body crushed by the impact... the albino shook his head. He didn't want to think of Ryou like that.
"But he *is* gone," a voice within himself told him. Bakura couldn't disagree. Ryou was gone. "Ryou is gone..." he echoed in his head.
But though you're still with me
A breeze picked up, and swirled about him, rustling his hair in all directions. But it was cold and made the tears on his face sting all the more. Bakura looked up at the sky, wondering where Ryou was, half-expecting to see the white-haired angel. "Ryou!" he cried out to the sky. "RYOU!!!"
"My other half... is missing. Half of my soul... is gone," Bakura spoke, finally able to put some words to these emotions.
I've been alone all along
Though he'd been reincarnated several times, when he or his host departed, it *never* felt like half of his soul had been told from his body. At that moment, Bakura realized, he never really had a Hikari until Fate matched him with Ryou.
He took a shaky, but deep breath. The wind seemed to do the same. Bakura closed his eyes, completely giving into the tears that streamed profusely from his eyes, and all the thoughts and memories of Ryou... He spread his arms, hoping to catch the wind, or maybe even Ryou.
Somewhere in his mind, he felt himself falling... and falling.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Bakura wondered... would the gods permit him rest? No, he was bound for all eternity to that accurséd Ring. His heart wouldn't be weighted against the feather of Ma'at, he wouldn't even meet Ammit. He'd wander in darkness for the rest of time. He'd never have another Hikari; there would never be another Ryou. His Light had been extinguished, now he would roam the darkness, Darkness without Light.
The wind rustled the ex-Thief's hair, blowing it in all directions. "But… I can't help but think that I'm not the one who's immortal. You are Ryou. You are forever, My Immortal."
Post-fic A/N: So, did he jump? Did he *die*? Is Bakura really immortal? Or did Bakura just stand on the roof and imagine the whole last scene, and he safely goes back to bed? You decide! ^_^ C&C much appreciated!
Thanks for reading!
*EDIT* Fixed all those spazzed-out lines. Turns out Word randomly threw in some h2 tags and mis-tagged a few other things when it exported this to an HTML document. X_x I cleaned it up best I could...